17. Nellie
SEVENTEEN
NELLIE
Enviro Guy
Guess not.
I stare at my phone for what feels like an eternity. I don’t understand what’s going on. His brother must be messing with us. Teddy would never go three days without a word and then answer me like this. The guy who showed up uninvited at my house to take care of me while I was sick wouldn’t do this.
Unless… An intrusive thought slithers in. Unless you were too clingy . Maybe he woke up the next morning and decided it was all too much too fast. Or it was all too much and not enough because we weren’t having sex. But he was the one who was abiding by my “let’s go slow” request better than I was. He was the one who stopped anything from getting too hot and heavy.
I tell my coworker I’ll be right back and head outside. I need air. Maybe by the time I get out there, he’ll have texted me an apology. He’ll let me know that Will stole his phone. He’ll apologize for ghosting me for the last three days, and then he’ll tell me he’s planned a picnic or a movie night.
But when I get outside, there is no new message. No apology or clarification. Just those two words jumping off my screen. Guess not.
For the next week I mope around work and home, obsessively checking my phone, talking myself in and out of reaching out to his sister or dropping by his place before my mom asks what’s wrong. When I tell her, she doesn’t seem to want to believe me. “That boy had it bad,” she insists. “There’s no way he’d just disappear.”
I thought maybe he had it as bad as I did, but the proof is in the text. It’s in the lack of any new texts. It’s in the absolute absence of my social life or my desire to get out of bed. The proof is in what I can only describe as a broken heart.
Four Years Later
Marley is home from an extended assignment regaling us with tales of lust in the most recent conflict zone she was sent to.
“He was hung like a jack rabbit,” Marley whispers, demonstrating with her fingers.
Izzy asks the question I’m thinking. “How do you know how hung or not hung a jack rabbit is?”
“I have absolutely no idea.” Marley laughs. “But he sure moved like one.” She gives us a look, and we both crack up. “The way he kissed should have given him away, but I’d been shot at like six times that day and needed something to take the edge off.”
“And did it?” I ask.
“It did not,” she confirms solemnly. “He seemed to have a good time though, so I’ll consider that my good deed for the month.”
“How was that date last night, Nell?” Izzy asks, switching her attention to me.
A nice guy, Kenneth Smith, had taken me out to a movie and a nice dinner and proceeded to bore me to tears. But he did kiss well, so I’d said yes to another date. “There’s potential there.”
“Is that what you want there to be?” Izzy prods.
“Maybe she just wants to get her rocks off and not chase potential, Iz,” Marley scoffs.
“No.” Izzy points at her. “ You only care about ‘getting your rocks off.’ Nellie here is a ‘meant to be’ type.”
I used to be , I think.
Seven Years Later
“You look stunning babe,” Mark says, pulling me close and kissing my neck.
“You don’t look half bad yourself.” I pull back and give him an approving once-over. “Definitely the only groomsman I want to go home with.”
“He’s totally going to propose after his brother’s wedding.” Izzy had said when I walked out of the dressing room in the dress I was currently wearing. “He may do it during the ceremony. I would.”
Being married to Mark wouldn’t be so bad. My parents seem to like him. He is nice-ish, and I feel good with him. It isn’t an all-consuming feeling, not like I kept expecting to feel, but it’s more than nothing. I’m sure the big ‘I would die for this man’ feelings are just around the corner .
Seven Years and Three Months Later
“What do you mean you said no?” Izzy squawks from where she sits beside me on the couch.
“He asked me to marry him and I said no,” I explain again. “I didn’t even want to move in with him. Does that scream ‘this is the one’ to you?”
“Meant-to-be person, remember?” Marley whispers. She’s currently in some half-destroyed hotel in god knows where and doesn’t seem at all bothered by the large booms coming from somewhere in the distance.
“But you two seemed so good together. Shit, I owe Tom a…” She stops abruptly, her cheeks pinking slightly. “I lost a bet.”
“Blowjob, Izzy. It’s okay, you can say it. This is a safe space.” Marley laughs as another boom sounds from somewhere closer.
Mark had asked in a restaurant, and I’d sat there staring at the large diamond ring he held out to me. And I felt absolutely nothing.
“At least you don’t have to move or anything,” Marley says with a shrug. “Small mercies.”
“Has it ever felt right with any of the men you’ve dated? Maybe the timing was wrong?”
One guy , I think, and the timing was terrible apparently. “No,” I say slowly.
“Liar,” Marley huffs and then covers her mouth while I glare at her.
The interaction doesn’t go unnoticed by Izzy’s mother-of-two gaze. “What? What does that mean?” She turns to me. “What don’t I know?”
“It was a summer fling.”
“With whom?”
“Just a guy. It doesn’t matter. He took off, and I haven’t seen him since.” That’s all I ever told Marley. Teddy has always been “just a guy” to those who didn’t know me back then.
Izzy sits back and crosses her arms. “So is this fling the reason you said no?”
“It was a fling when I was too young to get it. Things were great until he peaced out. I’d say that is a clear indication that he wasn’t the one.”
“If you expect it, it’ll never happen,” Marley says.
“So you’re open to the unexpected, are you?” Izzy asks.
“I thrive on the unexpected, Iz. It really gets me going.” She winks at us, and we laugh.
My two best friends could not be more different in how they approach relationships. Izzy was married by the end of her first year of university and still managed to finish and go on to get her master’s and PhD. Marley has no interest in spending more than one night with the same guy. Then there’s me, refusing to acknowledge that when it comes to my heart, no one has ever measured up to Teddy. It’s exceptionally annoying since he was only around for two months. There is no logical reason he should still have my heart under lock and key.
Twelve Years Later, December
I could barely sleep last night. The thought of getting Marley back to Bennett was too exciting. I felt like I was about to give someone the best gift, like a puppy or new car. But instead of either of those things, I was taking my anti-relationship best friend to the man who’d rescued her in the middle of the woods when she’d sprained her ankle. I would have put money on this happening eventually; when Izzy and I picked Marley up in October, her body came willingly but mentally she seemed elsewhere. It only took nearly dying in Syria for her to realize what, or rather who, she wanted .
I watch Marley fidget next to me. Her fingers tapping nervously on her thighs as she peeks over her shoulder at Pip, her Syrian rescue pup. The fact she brought a dog home with her was all Izzy and I needed to confirm how she had really felt about leaving Bennett’s.
Three cars sit in Bennett’s driveway, and I see Marley tense. He’d always been alone so I can practically see the scenarios that are playing out in her mind: there’s another woman here; he’s moved on .
“You good?” I ask as I put the car into park.
“Yeah, it’s just real now. Just… give me a minute.”
We sit there for a few moments, and I watch her hype herself up out of the corner of my eye.
“Okay,” she breathes out, slowly wrapping her scarf around her neck and slipping her gloves on. “Wish me luck.”
“You don’t need it, but for your sake, I’ll say it. Good luck, Marley.” She offers a tight smile in response and peeks once more back at Pip before sliding out of the car to follow the single set of footprints that lead to the barn.
A little while later I see her exit the barn and head towards the forest. Bennett must be out with the dogs on a pack walk. It seems fitting that’s what he was doing when he found her and now she’s off to find him.
“What do you think, Pips McGee?” I say, looking back to the tan and black puppy sitting with his little nose pressed to the window. “Should we go into the nice warm barn to wait for the two lovebirds?”
I’m greeted just inside the door by a woman with wild red hair, or rather Pip is greeted by her; I’m just an afterthought. I get it, though; Pip is adorable.
“Well, aren’t you the sweetest creature on the planet,” the woman coos at the squirmy pup .
“This is Pip. He’s—ugh, the woman who was just in here, Marley, he’s her dog,” I stammer as I’m divested of Pip.
“Hi Pip! I’m Cass,” she enthusiastically introduces herself, dropping to the ground to play with him. “If you’re waiting for Marley, I don’t think you’ll be needed.” She smiles up at me. “Bennett has been counting down to today, even if he won’t admit it.”
“Yeah, I had a feeling that would be the case. I tried to tell her, but I think she’s still struggling with the fact that someone may care about her the same way she cares about them.”
A door closes nearby, and as I turn toward the sound I hear a sharp intake of breath. Pale blue eyes greet me, and I feel all the air sucked from my body.
”Nellie?”
Holy shit.
Teddy.
He’s different then he was the last time I saw him. His wavy dark hair is longer, and his beard is thicker than any of the scruff I’d ever seen in our early twenties. Twenty-two-year-old Teddy had been long and lean, but thirty-four-year-old Teddy fills out a shirt the way the old version never could.
It’s those damn eyes, though. The pale blue flash of recognition as my name leaves his lips, the way he looks like he’s seeing a ghost, and then how that look quickly turns to nervous joy. I briefly glance down to see that Cass has disappeared with Pip before looking back up at him.
“Teddy?” I barely get it out, as if saying it will cause him to disappear again.
He nods absently, and I feel the shock and attraction start to give way to the pain I’d felt for so long after he’d sent that last message.
A slow smile starts to form on his face, his hand going to rub the back of his neck. “Hey, Nellie. ”
How fucking dare he flash that crooked grin at me? How dare my eyes go straight to those teeth that fascinated me so long ago? How dare he be here at all?
It takes me a few tries before the words actually leave my mouth. “What are you doing here?”
“I work here,” he says, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world.
“How— Of all the places you could work— How the hell are you here right now?” I’m barely keeping it together. Part of me wants to sink into the floor while another part wants to run back to my car, go home and forget any of this happened.
“Can we talk?” he asks, taking a tiny step toward me.
“ Now you want to talk?” I spit, stepping back to keep the distance between us in place.
“I think I owe you an explanation.”
“You owed me one twelve years ago.” I look toward the door, planning my escape.
“I know.” He looks down at his boots. “I let a lot of people down back then, you more than anyone else.”
I should tell him to scream the explanation into the ground for all I care; I don’t want what he thinks he owes me now. But for a split second, despite the added muscle and hair, I catch a glimpse of the Teddy who stole my heart with his goodness.
If you leave, you’ll just keep wondering , I tell myself. Get the reason and put this all behind you.
“Fine,” I say like a petulant child.
“We can talk in the office.” He motions with his head toward a set of stairs and leads the way.
The office is less a workspace and more of a storage room with a laptop.
“You can have a seat if you want.” he offers, moving a box off the desk chair.
“No thank you,” I reply, crossing my arms and letting my eyes wander around the room, looking everywhere but at him. “Well?” I order impatiently when he doesn’t start explaining immediately. “I’m here. Explain.”
“My mom died.”
My eyes stop wandering and snap to him. Of all the things I thought he’d say, that hadn’t ever crossed my mind.
“What?” My feet automatically take a step closer.
“That’s the reason I disappeared. She died, then I found out something that hurt me, and I took off.”
“Wait, back up,” I stammer, trying to put what he just said together. “When did she die?”
“The morning after I left your place. I was at work and my boss showed up and, well, she was dead. That’s why he showed up. He took me home, and then the rest is kind of a blur.” He’s so calm that I have to remind myself that he’s been sitting with this for twelve years. To me it just happened.
“Why didn’t you tell me? Teddy, I could have been there for you.” It’s weird to suddenly feel the need to apologize to the person who’s apologizing to me.
“I know. I know you would have been there in a heartbeat, but I wasn’t in a good place, Nellie. It wasn’t until a couple of months later that I was able to think again. And by then, I convinced myself that I’d messed up too badly.”
“Your mom died. Who would be in a good place?” I’m not sure anyone has ever thawed so quickly. All I want to do is cross the small distance between us and hug him, the way I would have if I’d known all those years ago.
“I still should have told you, let you in.” He sounds so broken that before I even know what I’m doing, my arms are around him. He doesn’t move, his arms limply at his sides, and I’m pretty sure he hasn’t taken a breath since he told me.
“Oh, for the love of god, would you hug me back, please?” I mutter into his flannel. When his arms fold around me, I can feel layers of what was left of the ice melt away.
This , a little voice hums.
We stand there holding each other for enough time that our breathing seems to sync. It’s suddenly like no time has passed. As if it was just yesterday we kissed goodbye and then we texted until we fell asleep. I let myself live in the fantasy for a few more minutes before I pull away. He lets me go, but when I look into his eyes, I can see him at war with himself. Heat, pain, and sorrow battling for his attention.
“I’m sorry,” I say, looking down at my hands because I can’t handle looking into those eyes any longer.
“You have no reason to be sorry.” He shakes his head, looking pained.
“Hey, Marley’s friend?” I hear Cass yell from somewhere below us.
“Marley’s friend,” Teddy says quietly, shaking his head like he can’t believe it. I get it. I can’t believe it either.
“I should…” I point toward the door.
“Yeah.” He nods and lets me lead the way back down to the main floor where Cass is waiting with Pip in her arms, her gaze shifting between me to Teddy, a little smirk on her lips.
“Just wondering if this guy can have some play time in the snow?”
“Oh, yeah, I’m sure he’d love that,” I assure her. “His outdoor time got cut short this morning.”
I can feel Teddy behind me as we head outside, Pip bounding around with excitement as if he knows what awaits him beyond the door.
When Bennett and Marley get back, I am still distracted by the fact Teddy is here and that there’s a part of me that wants to keep him here. I can’t stop looking over at him, each time catching his gaze already on me. Each glance adds another match to the spark of interest. It’s as if we’ve slipped back into our early twenties, when all that mattered was when we got to touch one another again.
After Marley confirms that she is in fact not returning with me, Teddy offers to walk me to my car. We’re quiet on the walk out, the snow beneath his feet the only evidence that I’m not alone. The air crackles around us when we stop in front of my door. I have every intention of thanking him for telling me the truth, and for walking me out, but when I look up at him nothing comes out. We just stand there staring. Then movement, so fast I don’t know which one of us leans in first. All I know is that as our lips collide the only thing on my mind is this, him, us .
It’s not until I’ve been sitting in my driveway at home for a while that I realize I’m crying. After I get into the house, I walk straight to my bedroom, flop down on the bed, and let the tears flow freely. I cry for Teddy’s mom and for him losing her so young. I cry because I feel guilty for hating him for so long. I cry because of what he took from me without realizing it. I cry because the day my best friend put her heart back together, mine feels like it’s being split into pieces all over again.