Chapter 31
James
Coming back into the bedroom and seeing Isabelle sitting there, a look of sheer panic on her face, shakes me to my core.
Everything had been fine five minutes earlier.
In fact, it was amazing. But to come in and see her pale, hands trembling, makes me feel useless.
She had practically run out of the bedroom, eager to get away from me.
My heart drops. She’s regretting this, regretting me. How have I fucked up? I’ve done everything she’s asked of me. If she walks away now, I don’t think I can bear seeing her every day at work.
The sound of the water running stops, and I get into some boxer shorts and clear the bed.
The thought of her coming out and saying she’s made a mistake, that she doesn’t want me anymore, rips a hole through me. But surely she wouldn’t do that? We have something amazing going on here. Even taking sex out of
Yes, Miss
the equation, just waking up with her next to me, her dark waves splayed across the pillow and her soft apple scent filling the air around us, makes me happy.
Having her near when getting ready to leave the house has changed me on a bone-deep level.
Watching her put her makeup on, the way she scoops her hair into a messy bun or tames it into a thick plait, making two cups of coffee in the morning instead of my solitary cup, hearing her humming some show tune from another room when she thinks she can’t be heard…
it all fills my heart with happiness and peace.
I don’t want to be without her.
She’s made me feel complete again. She makes my house feel like a home again.
I sit, propped against the headboard, as she comes out of the bathroom, wrapped in a bath towel and avoiding my gaze. My hands rest in my lap as I watch her move to her overnight bag and pull out an oversized t-shirt, her back to me the whole time.
“Iz? What’s happened? Have I done something to upset you? Because if I have, please tell me. You’re killing me here,” I say, my voice cracking with fear and impending heartbreak.
Her movements still, and I see her shudder a breath in.
This is it.
Alexandra Ravensbrook
This is where she’s ending it.
I feel sick, my insides churning.
She turns to face me, her eyes bloodshot and slightly puffy. I spring to my feet and pull her into me.
“Isabelle, please, what’s happened? Talk to me,” I plead. Her head tucks into my chest, and she draws in a shuddery breath.
“I’m scared, James,” she whispers.
My heart breaks. Have I scared her? What have I done?
The very thought of her being scared of me shatters me into pieces.
I step back, holding her by her upper arms, and lean down so I can look her in the eyes.
I need to make sure I haven’t misheard. Her face crumples as she starts to sob and steps into my chest. If it’s me she’s scared of, she wouldn’t come to me for comfort, surely?
Isabelle’s sobbing slows as I stroke long, soft circles over her back. “What are you scared of sweetheart?” I ask tentatively, hoping to God it’s something I can fix.
“Can we snuggle and talk?” she asks, sounding so small and fragile.
So different from the passionate queen I saw moments earlier.
The confident, sexual woman, unafraid of asking for what she wants, taking control.
At this moment, her damp hair trailing down her back and her large grey t-shirt make her look broken, and I realise I’d give everything I could to fix her.
Yes, Miss
We lay cuddled up, her head on my chest in the dark, the streetlights making shadows dance across the ceiling as Isabelle takes in slow, deep breaths. I can tell from the way her breathing still shudders slightly that she isn't asleep.
Her fingers trail over my chest absentmindedly. Not wanting to rush her, I lay there with her, holding her, wanting to do everything I can to make her feel safe enough to open up.
I lift my head and press a soft kiss to the top of her head, relishing in the smell of her shampoo.
“I was eighteen,” she starts, making my heart race in surprise.
Her voice sounds emotionless and robotic, like she has somehow disconnected from her mind.
“I had started seeing Matt, and things quickly became physical. The standard, run-of-the-mill, teenage fumbling until we lost our virginity to each other. Everything was going well. A couple of months in, he said he wanted to try tying my hands up. I was game for it; I had no reason not to trust him.”
I steady my breathing, feeling nausea crawl through me at the realisation of what she is about to tell me.
“It had started fine, until he began getting rougher, pushing my legs apart, grabbing me too hard. I asked for him to untie me, and he ignored me. Just pretended he didn't hear me…” her voice trails off into a whisper.
Alexandra Ravensbrook
She takes a deep breath, breathing out slowly, her lips pursed.
“I tried kicking him off me, but he laughed and made a comment about me wanting to play rough.
He forced himself inside of me and raped me.
I cried throughout, and when he finished, he untied me.
I slapped him, and he slapped me back. Told me I didn't fight him off, that he thought it was part of the playing about.
He made me feel stupid and downplayed everything.
He hugged me and said he was sorry for not realising and promised it wouldn't happen again.”
Rage is already coursing through me, but I have to keep quiet.
She sighs and pauses for a second before starting again.
“Things were ok again for the next couple of times.
Then one day, he tied me up, blindfolded me, and pushed a pair of his socks in my mouth.
He raped me again, and when I tried to scream, he choked me until I passed out.
I came round, and he had untied me and said he thought I had come from it so I must have enjoyed it.
He made me feel stupid and dirty. I couldn't tell my parents; it would have broken their hearts.”
I have to fight to control myself as she says this. I wish I had known at the time. Remembering how happy she always seemed and how he had broken her down, how
Yes, Miss
withdrawn she had become. If I ever see him around, I will fucking kill him.
I bite my lip to stop from saying anything in case it breaks her flow. The fact she feels she can now tell me all this means everything to me.
She shudders another breath and continues.
“He had me to the point I couldn't talk to anyone, and I doubted everything I thought had happened. The final time, he tied me up, kneeling with hands behind my back whilst he fucked my face, his hands around my throat, choking me until I started to pass out, stopping and then starting again. He went so rough I vomited over myself. He smacked me so hard he split my lip and told me I was disgusting. I had no recollection of getting home. Just crying on the bed, unable to speak properly because my throat was so sore.” Her voice sounds almost flat and monotonous, the trauma still clearly present.
“My mum came in and asked about the marks on my neck and my lip.
I couldn't answer her, and she never asked again. Never mentioned it. She acted like nothing had happened. We had a week off school at that point, and by the end of that week, I had focused back on my piano and tried to shut it all out. I had no one and nowhere to go with it, so I shut it down. Locked it away.”
"Isabelle..." My voice is rough with emotion as I feel my eyes fill. My entire soul hurts with the agony she must have endured.
Alexandra Ravensbrook
"No, James, please. I need to get this out. I went away to university and ended up working at Plush, a kink club. I met my friend Victoria there, and I hadn’t even entertained another relationship after that.
Seeing people put so much trust into each other is mind-blowing.
How can they do that? I learnt so much there, not just about being a Domme, but about trust, communication, respecting boundaries, honesty…
It is being a Domme that helps me. I am in control.
I call the shots. No one will ever hurt me again like he did. "
She goes quiet for a beat. She moves out from my hold and sits on the edge of the bed, her back to me.
"James, I’m scared because I know that's what you want to do to me. I know there will be times you want to be in charge, and I’m scared I can’t give that to you, and you won’t want me…" Her voice trails off, her shoulders shuddering with silent sobs, and she stands and picks up her bag.
"Isabelle, I’ll never do anything you don’t want.
I don’t ever want to hurt you," I urge, moving off the bed to kneel in front of her.
Looking up at her face, her cheeks streaked with tears, I take her hands in mine and move closer to look into her eyes, clouded with anguish, mirroring my own feelings perfectly.
She is mine. I need her, want her in my life, and I will do anything—give up anything—for her.
Yes, Miss
"Isabelle, you are a fucking queen. In every respect. Your intelligence, compassion, and lust for life are astounding. Your grit, determination, and bravery in the face of challenges and trauma are a testament to you and your strength. I wouldn’t want to kneel anywhere in the world but at your feet, as your king.
I wouldn’t want to be anywhere but your court.
" My voice cracks, emotion finally taking over me. She really doesn’t see herself as I do, and that is like a knife to the chest.
Isabelle stands from the bed, pulls on some leggings and takes several stiff steps to the bedroom door, each one like a stab to my already shattered heart.
She turns to look at me, her overnight bag over her shoulder, as I stay kneeling on the floor, the light from the hallway casting her into silhouette as she turns and walks away.
"Goodnight, James. I’ll see you Monday morning." She walks out of the house, closing the door softly behind her.