16. Max
“Isn’t this weird?” Melody asks, sitting her purple and white helmet on the driver’s side mat of my truck.
“Yeah, but we agree that Riley comes first and she needs some type of normalcy. Besides, we’re just going out to ride four-wheelers on the trails.” I put the truck into drive and pull out of the parking lot across from her apartment. “Ezra couldn’t come?”
“I don’t know how long that’s going to last?” She looks out the window.
“Already? Dude, why now?” I roll my eyes.
“He’s a homebody and I work with people every day that tell me to enjoy life while I can.” I take back my eye roll. “I’m thinking about going to Vegas for a week.” That’s a legitimate reason to not stay in a relationship. Wanting adventure, not Vegas. Figure out your differences now and if they’re manageable or not, rather than ten years later.
“Vegas? I could get you into Rave 101 a lot cheaper and it’s a lot closer.”
“There’s one man in particular that spends some time at The Black Diamond. Bennett Larson.“ Her entire face scrunches up and her shoulders lift.
“The director?” I deadpan. “Your goals are much higher than mine.” My brows raise as a wide smile takes my lips. “I hope you find your man.” And he’s not as much of a dick as the media says.
“So how was that club? I’m assuming you went.”
I cringe, clutching my teeth. “Oh boy, did I ever.” I’m surprised they didn’t stream the live, especially her.
“It was hot as fuck, wasn’t it?” She scrunches her mouth and nose up tight. “Ohhh,” her squeals are terrifying. “Did they dance on you?”
“They did more than that.” I continue watching the road with one hand on the steering wheel.
She gasps dramatically. “You fucked the entertainers! How did you do it? Like, did they run a train or are we talking double.” She winks. “You know. Double trouble. Double dirty. But also I’m pissed you didn’t immediately call us. You waited an entire week to give me the tea!”
“Ew, hell no. I didn’t fuck any of them.” I grimace. “They did their jobs very well. Too well. I was horny as fuck and then Rave came out.” I shiver. “The way he grabbed me and looked at me with that mask on, goddd...and then he turned back into Ryke.”
“You’re telling me that you’re into Rave, but not Ryke? Is that like being into Superman, but not Clark Kent?” Says the woman who wants to leave the nice guy for the asshole.
“I don’t want to be into either of his personalities. I’m done with men. For a while anyway. I don’t have any desire to put the effort into a relationship.”
She dips to the side, tapping me in the arm. “What’s wrong with friends with benefits, though?”
“No,” I sulk. “Not him. I like him as a person. If I cross that line, there is no going back. Besides he already asked me if I was going to break his heart.”
“He asked you what?” Her jaw drops. “He has feelings for you.”
“Damn it. I knew it. I was hoping you would tell me it was all in my head.”
I’m a shit person. I’m really a shit person...because I like that he wants me. I won’t act upon it and he knows I’m not available. At least not mentally. It makes me feel good that he sees something in me. That’s horrible. I don’t want to be that woman who has another guy lined up before the divorce is finalized. I...don’t want another crutch.
“Amber is going to fliiip.”
“Don’t tell her.” I jerk to her, pointing a finger. “She didn’t want me to go in the first place.”
“Ugh,” she whines. “You’re no fun...Okay, fine.”
We pull up to the off-road park and I scan my membership card, following Cole and Andy to the unloading lot. I follow in line and park last, grab my gear, and hop out. I meet Melody at the tailgate, opening it as Amber approaches. Tell me how we all wore the same “hit it with your purse” shirt in different colors.
“Hey, how was your week?” She asks, tying her Auburn waves back in a low pony.
“Her roommate has a crush on her,” Melody blurts out before I get a chance to answer.
“I told you.” She leans her forearms on the right rear fender. Looks like she got her nails French-tipped while I was out of town. “You can’t live with a single man as roommates. Someone is going to fuck someone.”
“Nobody fucked anybody.” I shake my head, my single braid falling over my shoulder. “Keep your voice down.”
“Why? Afraid your husband will find out?” She challenges.
“Estranged husband. And I’m trying to have a nice day spent with my daughter. No drama.”
“Where is Riley?” She crossed her arm. For hating Colleen so much, she’s starting to become a Kareny witch herself.
“Momma!” Ri comes running with her little purple helmet on her head that makes her look like a bobblehead.
“Hey, sweet pea. Did you have fun riding in Daddy’s truck?” I tap her helmet.
“Yeah, but I missed you.”
Gosh, why is she such a sweetheart? My heart melts.
“I needed more space so Melody could come, too. Is that okay or should I have just left her out?”
“Mm, it’s okay.” She nods, bobbling. “But I’m still gonna be the fastest!” She races her invisible quad around my legs.
“You are? Are you sure? I’m pretty fast.”
“I’m the champ.” She punches a little fist in the air.
“Okay, champ. How about you stay up here.” I lift her onto the truck bed. “Until all the four-wheelers are unloaded from the trailers.”
“What did Ryke say?” Amber pushes for more details.
“He just asked if I was going to break his heart,” I mutter.
“What happened before this that prompted him to ask you that?”
“We went to the club, and it was overwhelming so he asked if I wanted to leave.” If my monotone isn’t enough to tell her that I don’t want to explain myself without telling her I don’t want to explain myself, nothing else is. “I thought we were going back to his place, calling it a night, but he took me to his treehouse.”
“His treehouse,” she sneers. “What is he, like twelve?”
I do tend to find myself wrapped up in men who are mentally twelve years old.
“It’s his decompressing place, okay? So, we’re hanging out, stargazing, and I told him—”
“You told him!”
“Quiet.” I stir around.
“Ambie, we’re outside. You can use your outside voice,“ Riley yells. “It’s okay.” She shrugs and goes back to hopping around the bed.
“I told him he made me feel.”
“What the fuck does that mean?” She barks.
“He made her pussy wanna purr,” Melody whispers.
I smack her in the arm and she rubs it like I whipped her. “I was feeling emotions that I haven’t felt in a long time, but I didn’t say I wanted to get involved with him or anything.”
She looks away, then back at me with a pucker face. “What did he do?”
“What?”
“What did he do when you told him you were in the feels?“ She mocks in a whiny tone.
“Um, he grabbed me and asked me what would happen if he kissed me?”
“Jesus, Max!” She yells, throwing her hands in the air.
My eyes liven. “Shut up.”
“Max!” She whisper-yells. “You are not ready for that.”
“I didn’t kiss him.” I wrap my hand around her upper arm, pulling her closer. “That’s when he asked if I was going to break his heart and I told him that I can’t break it if I never take it.”
She pulls back and looks at me, disgusted. “You said that?”
“Should I tell him to eat shit next time?”
“That’s a little harsh, but—”
“Daddy, Daddy!” Riley hops as Cole approaches in his red and black riding pants and black tee. I don’t think I’ll ever get past my attraction for him and it sucks. It’s not only that. I still love him. He’s rooted through my veins. My pulse spikes and I softly smile, hiding behind it.
“Ready?” He holds his arms out, swinging her in the air, and putting her feet to the ground. She hops around with energy I only wish I had on any given day. Even coffee gives me more jitters than that type of energy. “Max?”
“I’m ready.” My smile thins.
The view is breathtaking. Gorgeous leafy greens hang from branches, banding over the trails like umbrellas with spots of scattered skies peeking in between. Mountains frame us, no matter which direction we go in. The terrain changes from smooth to a little rocky and back again. Riley rides next to Cole on her quad at the back of the line. He has the kill switch in hand ready to go if he needs to cut her off. She started riding her own quad about a year ago. If it was up to Cole, she would have been in control as soon as she could walk, but I remember convincing him to wait till she was at least potty trained. She’s as fearless on that thing as he is on a bike.
We stick to green-level trails with Riley and when she gets tired of driving, hit the harder trails with her on as a passenger.
Reaching a huge mud hole, Amber putts through halfway on her red utility quad and I have the urge to pay her back for giving me hell earlier. The mud is watery and at least four inches deep in places. I blast through the pit, slinging up mud in every direction. It flies everywhere in splatters and gushes, painting my legs as I reach the end. I look back to see her caked, holding her arms out in front of her with the thick liquid dripping off.
“Fuck yeah, baby! That’s how you do it!” Cole yells.
“Max!” Amber screams, trying to wipe her goggles clean. She mostly smears them and eventually pulls them to the top of her blue and white helmet.
“I love you, Amber!”
She jumps into the mud, running full force towards me as I scramble to get off my quad. Nearly putting me in a headlock, she swings me backward, dropping us both into the brown wading pool.
“Take your top off,” Andy calls from the front of the line, covering his mouth quickly as he remembers a child is with us. Cole yelled fuck twenty seconds ago so if she’s picking up any bad terminology today, it would be that magical word. With Andy’s boys making their move closer to trail riding, it’s going to be a series of fork yeahs and innuendos of wild proportions. River is a loose cannon like Andy. If he wasn’t he’d be tagging along today.
“Momma, you’re so dirty!” Ri’s little voice yells and she bounces on the seat. I love her enthusiasm. And yet, for such a little human, she seems to have more self-control than I do.
Heading toward her, I call out. “I think you need a hug!”
“No, no!” She pulls her legs up, trying to hide behind Cole. Her machine is hidden behind his. “Give mine to Daddy!”
I look at Cole, and my wide smile softens. “Maybe next time.” I turn around, slipping and sliding as I make my way back to my quad. This is why I always bring extra clothes.
After a long day and a group dinner, I’m back at Amber’s house, feeling lost in another strange bed. I can hear her and Andy laughing in the kitchen. They poke fun at each other, mostly him giving her hell for looking like a mud monster today, but she dishes something back at him. I close the door, lock it, and climb into bed. Freshly showered and fully exhausted, my scrambled thoughts are left to form unended sentences that I want to pull out my ears and plug the holes to form an airtight bubble that will stop another run-on from beginning.
I wish it would work.
It hurts...witnessing this couple that I love, genuinely happy, and being angry at them for it. I am. I’m angry. I’m jealous. Yet...the more I think about it, the more I wonder if I held onto my marriage with Cole because I wanted the picture that looked perfect, no matter how shattered it was from the inside facing out.
What?
Um… That’s very specific.
He’s good. I’ll play.
Holy shit.
I toss to my side, suddenly feeling warm and bothered.
I toss to my other side.
Fuck. I can’t stay still.
What am I doing? What am I saying? This is a game. It was.
Oh my god.
The tingles overwhelm my body.
Breathe, Max.
It’s a little light-hearted sexual tension between mutually single people. It doesn’t mean I’m going to sleep with him or say anything this heated to his face the next time I see him.
I bite my lip, typing the letters in without thinking.
I’m not lying.
This is a bad idea.
Why did I send that?
Fuck, I’m so horny.
Fuck it. Consequences later.
I pull my black jersey shorts and matching Under Armour thong off, left in an oversized dove sleep tee.
Two?
Three?
Two?
Should I just say four to make him go insane?
I nod, even though he can’t see me.
Mhm.
Oh my god.
My toes curl and I spread my knees farther, tilting my pelvis.
He sent a voice message?
Oh my… holy… What?
I tap the voice message with my thumb. “Hold onto it, peach.”
No. No, no, no. Why did he send me that? Ohh, mm… I can’t stop. This is Ryke. It’s fucking… I’m fucking around with… it’s…
I keep working my fingers in and out, pressing my thumb to my clit.
“10… 9… 8… 7…”
Oh my god, he’s counting it down. Why… why? Why? Why? Ohh.
I wish he could hear what he’s doing to me.
No, I don’t.
Yes. Yes, I do.
The sound of my fingers in my arousal.
“Almost, baby. 6… 5…”
Baby? Baby!
I’m getting carried away, pushing a third in.
“I have to stop the countdown for just a second, okay?
Listen to me. You’re such a good, good fucking girl. You’re doing amazing without me.”
Rolling to my knees, leaving my phone on my pillow, and riding my fingers, imagining how I would grind on him.
“4… 3… it’s right there. N-no, don’t stop. Look at me, you can hold it.”
Oh, god.I squeeze my eyes closed tightly.
Then, I reach blindly for my phone. Fumbling with it and opening my eyes enough to hit the record button, another text comes in. I click it and try for the record again, my eyes pinching closed with a sharp exhale.
Ugh, fuck it.
The sound clip plays in my head again.
“2… 1… Find it. Now.”
Now.
It hits me hard, squeezing my legs around my wrist to the point it should break.
Riding. Riding. Reaching for every last surge before I roll to my side, breathing through the heavy beats of my heart.
I pull my phone from underneath my head, holding it up.
Oh my god!
I jolt up, seeing the video that I must’ve taken when I was trying to hit the audio record and then send it when I landed on my phone. I click on it, playing it back. It’s dark, okay. It’s only shadows and quiet moans.
I fall back to my side, waiting for him to reply. After a few minutes, I get up, pull my clothes back on, leaving my phone on the bed while I run to the bathroom.
When I get back, I pick it up, afraid to open the new message.
I type, erasing it several times, and then leave it blank.
The three dots show up that he’s typing, then they disappear.
What the fuck did I do?
I smack my head back and close my eyes, pulling my blanket up to my neck as I curl to my side.
What time is it?
Eight-thirty.
There’s a voice message sent ten minutes earlier from Ryke…and a text message from Cole.
Hey friend. Apartment search ideas. Call me later.
“Your usual, honey?” Sunset Diner. A place for breakfast with Cole’s grandparents, innocent first dates, and casual Sunday afternoons. He wouldn’t want to talk about custody here. It’s the cesspool for all that is the talk of Montross.
“Yes, please,” I tell Susanna, the waitress who remembers everyone’s usual orders in this town, probably because she’s worked here for almost as long as it’s been open. If she had social media, I’m sure she would host a weekly reel on tea in the town. I wonder if she does and I’ve never stumbled upon it. Maybe I should look for it. Anything to keep my mind and fingers occupied while wait.
“Coming right up.”
I don’t touch my phone. I lace my fingers on the table in front of me and contemplate what I want to say to Cole. Hey. Yesterday was fun. I’m glad we could set our differences aside and have a good day with Riley. We played in the mud. We laughed. My heart wept when we went our own ways. And then I virtually fucked the guy I told you was just a friend. At least we got a booth away from all the other patrons. I wonder if he requested it. Probably. He wouldn’t want anyone getting wind of his troubles if things didn’t go his way. Is that it? If we’re here, I won’t make a scene.
There he is. Jeans without tears or stains and a neutral blue tee with a pocket on the left, he cleaned up well.
He sits down and looks out the window, avoiding my face. After a moment of silence, I speak up.
“Cole, why are we here?”
His eyes are cold, but the sadness seeps through them. “Did you sleep with him, Max?”
“What? Who the—” I look around and correct myself. “With whom?”
“That friend, Ryke.”
“No. Why are asking me this?” The irritation takes over my face.
“Nothing stays quiet in Montross.”
“Who’s saying this?” I glance around again.
“Relax. I put a stop to it.”
Because you’re a Warren. Thanks for reminding me of your power.
“I didn’t sleep with him, but it’s nobody’s business who I sleep with.”
“It’s fun now, but it won’t always be. We used to be new and exciting.”
“I’m not dating Ryke,” I repeat in fewer words. I don’t know what I’m doing with Ryke. I don’t know!
“This is real life, Max. He’s a fantasy that won’t last. If you’re into him or his lifestyle, you won’t be forever.”
What the hell?
What the hell!
“Cole!” I glance around and abruptly soften my voice. “Life is hard enough without us putting our frustrations on each other. Don’t tell me I’m not going to be happy with someone else. I don’t want a relationship right now, to begin with, but when I’m back there again, you and everyone else can keep their nose out of my business.”
“Just come home,” he demands.
“Cole. No.” I get up, and head to the front door, straight down from our table. Let them talk.
“Max,” he calls from behind me. I swing the door open and turn the corner. He follows me to the end of the building where there are no windows. “Max.”
“What?” I spin, swinging my arms with frustration.
“I’m stalking your socials.”
“I haven’t updated them.”
“You’re tagged. I saw photos from that club. Was that him?”
“I didn’t see the photos, Cole.” I cross my arms in a huff.
“The one with the mask. It said that was Rave. That’s his brand, right?”
“Yes, but so what? It doesn’t matter.”
“I’m lost without you.” He reaches out, taking my hand and I’m too overwhelmed to pull it away. It’s a numbness I can’t comprehend. I should feel it. It should be warm and callused and homey. “I can’t picture my life a month from now, let alone a lifetime without you.”
“Cole…” I pull my hand from him. “I can’t do this.”
I walk away…and it still hurts.
It still fucking hurts.
I don’t think it will ever stop. I want it to stop. I want to rip my heart out so I never have to feel again. I want it to be as numb and frozen as my hand. Will it ever end? Please, make it end. I don’t care if it’s temporary. If it’s enough to get me through a few more days. Maybe a week from now I’ll be able to breathe alone without the fear of tears mixing with the water in the drain every night before I close my eyes. I need to sit at the base of my tree and exhale my pain, but it’s our tree. I need to find a tree… a tree that’s only mine.