24. Max
The closer I get to Ryke, the more I learn about him. He’s not easily swayed but doesn’t like confrontation. When he’s had enough, it’s enough. I keep comparing him to Cole because he’s what I know. Cole would keep the argument going at any cost if it meant he might be proving his point. He’s been on my mind more and more lately. Maybe it’s because I’m going to see him today. Well, I’m going to get Ri and that means seeing him this week instead of Colleen. Two weeks with my sweet pea. I can’t wait to spend an entire week at the beach with her.
“Mm, wait,” Ryke groans, pulling my half-naked body back to his. I don’t want to leave bed. I have to.
“I have to get ready.” I pull away and he reels me right back. The weight of his arms around my stomach refuses to let me escape.
“Five more minutes.” He nuzzles into my neck. Itchy prickles of facial hair rub my skin.
“You’re never late and I always am. I’m trying to do better and you’re stopping me.”
“I would never stop you from self-growth,” his groggy voice allures me.
“I’ll make you a deal. If you let go of me, you can borrow Avery,” I reply, eyeing up my Squishmallow on the floor.
“You would let me have the duck? That’s how bad you want to get away from me?”
“No. I would let you borrow him because I’m a caring person who understands you need a cuddle buddy and I can’t be the buddy right now.”
“You sweet angel,” he murmurs.
An ocean-like calm takes my voice. “My mom loved Mallards.”
“She raised an amazing woman who inherited that quacking obsession.”
“Just one.”
“You feel her spirit.”
I slide out of bed in my tee and undies, walking to the corner where I threw the cloud-soft pillow last night. Hugging it against my chest, I stroll to his side of my bed.
“Raise your right hand and promise to take care of him.”
“You care more about this pillow than any living human, don’t you?” He teases.
“Not more than Riley,” I disagree.
“But fuck Ryke.”
My eyes send in a full circle. “Obviously.”
“That’s it.” He snatches Avery from my hands, squeezing the duck tight in his solid arms. “I shouldn’t have given him back to you. I’m keeping him forever this time.”
“You will not.”
“I will and I will hide him somewhere that you’ll never be able to find him.” His deep, evil laugh doesn’t phase me. I cross my arms over my chest, glaring at him.
“I’ll tie you up and torture you till you give up his whereabouts.”
“I’m definitely doing it now.”
“You’re sick.”
“If I’m sick, so are you, because you’re dating me.” He clicks his tongue against the side of his cheek, winking.
“That may be true,” I hum. “I have to get dressed.”
“Or undressed?” He tosses the pillow, squeezing my thighs as he pulls me closer.
“No.” I giggle. “I need to leave in half an hour.”
“It only takes you fifteen minutes to get ready, remember?”
Excuse me. Turning my advanced skills into weapons is awfully cruel.
“Yeah, but I think you’ll need more than fifteen.”
“Want more than fifteen, yes. Need? No, peach.” He shakes his head with a smug chuckle. “I’m sure you’re ready for me. You’re a little freak.” His fingers trail my inner thigh igniting a shiver up my spine. “I can imagine how wet you are with the thought of me between your legs.” He rolls two fingers between my legs, making me squirm. I shove him back and walk to the end of the bed.
“Your ego is entirely too large.”
But he’s right. It takes very little to get me going. It can only be blamed on the horny thirties about to hit me, being in the most exciting stage of a relationship, and because I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t reading cliterature.
“Probably, but you like it,” Ryke shrugs.
“Hmm,” I sigh, fishing through my dresser. “Don’t kidnap my duck.” Sticking my tongue out at him, I head to the bathroom.
That’s it. I deem all sex-driven maniac traits are courteous wrongdoer of Ryke Onak, my boyfriend. If twice last night wasn’t enough, I’m tempted to strip and jump back in bed.
I don’t want to give Colleen any excuse to complain this week, not that she needs one. Cole will tell her I was late and then she’ll be on my case for the next three. Something in my gut keeps telling me to walk on eggshells around her. I guarantee if I stayed in that town, every corner would be full of dirty looks because I’m the wrong do-er in her narrative and the day Cole shuts that rumor mill down is the day I’d fall to my knees for him again. Never, because I can’t go backward. Only forward. And if he hasn’t changed by now, he never will.
Will it ever get easier? I ask myself this question far too often. The answer can’t be found, so why am I asking it once again? When I see this house…the Hydrangeas I planted out front two years ago…Riley’s wooden swing set that Cole built, while I mostly supervised…all of it reminds me of what I had and lost. Or gave away.
Get out of the truck, Max. You made the right choices. Stop getting in your feelings.
With a long exhale, I get ready to face him.
Knocking on the door doesn’t feel right. Walking straight in wouldn’t either.
“How are you?” He greets me, pushing the door open.
“I’m okay.” An uncomfortable smile takes my lips as I walk past him, into the kitchen.
“Good.” His reply comes out flat. “Riley, Momma is here,” he calls. “What beach are you going to?”
“Wrightsville,” I answer quickly, avoiding his eyes.
“Is he going with?”
“Ryke? My boyfriend?” My stomach flips. That’s the first time I spoke those words to Cole. “Yeah. He’s going.”
“Who does Riley think he is?” He asks me with nothing besides calm composure, surprisingly.
“A friend. I know what I’m doing, Cole.”
Until I’m ready for a serious commitment, there is no way I would introduce him as anything more. He should know that. He does. This is a test to see how serious I am about Ryke.
“I know. You wouldn’t put her in harm’s way.”
“Agreed.”
“Momma!” Riley jumps into my arms and I hug her like I haven’t hugged her in a year.
“Hey, sweet pea. Are you ready to go?”
She bounces up and down, her dark little pigtails swinging. Cole holds up her purple duffle, following us outside. I secure her car seat, put her bag on the floor, and climb in the front, turning the engine over. Then, I hit the button for her window so Cole could say his goodbyes.
“It’s going to be weird not having her here for two weeks.”
“You can video call me whenever you want to see her. I know how hard it is.”
He glances down. “Thanks.”
“Say bye to Daddy, sweet pea.”
“Bye!” Her tiny voice yells.
“Have fun at the beach.” He smiles at her then his stony eyes fall on mine. “I love you.”
My heart sinks into my stomach and burns in the acid. Why did he look at me?
“I love you,” Riley yells, kicking her feet.
Inhaling and imagining my organs returning to where they belong, I glance over my shoulder into the backseat. “Please don’t kick the back of my seat, Ri,” I tell her.
“Okay, Momma.”
She’ll probably do it six more times before we get back to my apartment, but I’ll take it. Not seeing her every day is horrible. I don’t know how anyone does this. When she’s gone, a part of me is missing.
“Bye, Cole.”
He sucks his lower lip in, swallowing as he begins to pace back to the house. “Cya in two weeks.”
I put the windows up and pull out of the driveway.
Pulling into the parking spot in front of my apartment, the memories of Ryke in my bed last night swarm my thoughts. It’s only the second time that I’ve faded away during the drive home with him on my mind.
I sit Riley’s duffle on the sidewalk and unfasten her harness, helping her out of her car seat.
“Do you have to go potty?”
“Yes!” She dances.
“Okay, hurry. Let’s go inside.” I point.
I make my way in after unlocking the door with the little kangaroo hopping up and down. “I like this.” She points.
“The faucet?”
“Yep! It’s shiny.”
“Don’t you like the bronze one at home?”
“I like both.”
“Oh, okay.” My cheeks are going to hurt from all the smiles she creates. “Great job. High five.” She gives me some skin and starts looking for something to get into, asking me a million questions and touching everything she can reach. “I have to go potty too. Why don’t you go play with the toys in the living room? They’re in the blue bin.”
She jogs off. I should have asked her to repeat where the toys are. She’s probably inside a kitchen cabinet saying she can’t find them.
I finish up, making my way out of the bathroom to join her. When I walk into the living room, Riley is nowhere in sight.
She must be in my bedroom. I knew she wasn’t going to find the toy bin.
“Riley,” I call, walking through the short hallway to the bedroom.
What is that sound?
I push the door open as the low humming gets louder.
What the hell is…
Oh…my…god. Ryke!
Riley’s criss-crossed legs hold several toys as she sits on the carob comforter covering my bed. Another is in her hands and a few more are beside her.
“Why do you have so many buzzy worms, Momma?”
He’s dead.
I cringe, baring my teeth as I contemplate what I’m going to say to her.
“Can I have that, please?” I extend my hand.
She pulls away, refusing to give me the pink sparkly vibrator in her hand. “I want to play with the wormies too! Sharing is caring. Sharing is caring!”
I’m disgusted and yet I want to laugh. If I do that, she’ll think it’s a game and I’ll never get it out of her hand. My god, there is a fucking sparkly peen in my four-year-old’s hand. This can’t be the part of our vacation she shares with Cole. It can’t, but it will be. She’ll carry it around like a teddy bear for the next two weeks if I don’t distinguish this burning excitement.
“That’s not a toy. It’s a…back massager for my sore muscles. It’s boring.”
“You have a lot of sore muscles.”
I glance at the array of toys that Ryke decided to buy me and leave behind on my bed after I left this morning. If he thought this was going to be a pleasurable surprise, it’s not exactly going that way.
“Yeah. Apparently, someone thinks I do,” I mumble. “Can you find the blue toy bin while I put these in a safe place?”
“Okay!” She bunny hops back out of the room.
“It’s a big blue bin, Ri,” I call out.
I reach into my back pocket, taking my phone out. Unlocking the screen, I hit Ryke’s name on my contact list. He better answer.
“What were you thinking?” I scold Ryke the second the phone stops ringing.
“Hello to you too.”
“Ryke, you left a bunch of sex toys on my bed for my four-year-old to find.”
“Oh, shit,” he exclaims.
“Yeah, shit is exactly right. She thought they were toys.”
I look at the arrangement in the top drawer of my dresser, holding the phone to my ear.
“She’s not wrong.”
“They’re not children’s toys. I had to fight to get the pink sparkly worm away from her.”
“Worm?” His laugh raises a pitch higher than normal.
“You’re about to be around a little kid for an entire week. Seven days. Do better.”
I hold up a U-shaped silicone toy with two long arms. What the hell is this one?
“But moooom,” he whines.
I drop it back in the drawer, never wanting to hear that come out of anyone’s mouth while a sex toy is in my hand.
“If you call me mom again, I will vomit.”
“Please don’t. I don’t have the stomach for that,” he pleads. “I’m sorry. I won’t let it happen again.”
“Could’ve been worse. Always lock the door when you’re in the nude. Kids don’t give a fuck. They’ll walk right in.”
“I’m going to need a cheat sheet. Preferably a digital index card.”
“I’ll see what I can do about it, but what do you think I’m going to do with all of those?”
“I didn’t know what you liked. Any of those have to be better than a fucking spatula.”
Oh. My. God.
“It was one time!”
I know what’s going to get me off. So sue me.
“I’m not judging you. Yeah, it was fucking weird. It’s fine. I like weird. I’m just giving you some better options.”
“How much did you spend on these?”
I close the drawer and walk back to the living room to check on Riley. She’s playing with the correct toys this time. Hopefully, the beach leaves her with better memories to share with Cole, other than my worm collection.
“Don’t worry about it. It’s a gift. Do you like the sparkly one?”
“It’s very basic, but pretty.”
“I thought you would get a kick out of it.”
“The whole thing is still traumatic. I don’t know if I can move forward yet.”
“You’ll change your mind tonight when I’m not there. I’ll be waiting for your text.”
“Who says I’m going to text you?”
“Because I’m your favorite bad decision.”
My cheeks flush and a grin pulls at my lips.
“You’re not all that bad.”
“Good to know. I’ll see you in the morning. Have fun with Ri.”
“Thanks. Bye.”
I set my phone on the counter, grinning foolishly. “Alright, sweet pea.” She pushes a purple and blue 1:10 scale Yamaha across the floor. “Are we racing bikes or is makeover time?”
“I think we can do both.”
“That’s my girl. You can do whatever you put your mind to.”
“I never got a call.” Ryke elbows me from the driver’s seat.
Why is he always right? I did want to call him. The temptation to grab a toy or two and listen to his voice…
“I almost did it, but then Riley wanted to sleep in my bed.”
“Excuses, excuses.” He tsks.
“It also means I got little sleep. Don’t mind me if I take a nap.”
“If you drool, I’ll know you’re dreaming about me.” A big smile takes his lips before he looks back to the highway.
“I’ll be dreaming of that big, juicy, cheeseburger from the billboard we passed ten minutes ago.”
“I’m all the snack you need. You’re welcome.” He winks. “Do you want to stop for food?”
“No. I’m fine.” I trace the inked lines on his forearm with the gentle touch of one finger. “Thank you.”
Tiny fragments of seashells wash over my feet and my toes sink into the sand. The sun’s rays heat my shoulders as I hold on to my hat while a gust of wind tries to take it away. I study the curves of the ocean waves, each washing away the shells and pebbles from my feet and replacing them with new ones. Glancing back at Ryke, he’s helping Riley build a sand castle. She’s adorable in her purple polka-dot one-piece, especially with the little frilly skirt. I find the ocean again, shielding my eyes from the brutal sun.
I have to update the graphics on the Stellar website next week.
Damn it.
How does Ryke turn his work brain off?
“Max.” Squinting, I look back at him beneath the umbrella. He travels the length of my body in a single glance. “Looking gorgeous.”
Oh, please. Not a dab of makeup is on my face. Sunscreen, messy hat hair, and a basic black bikini.
I march the few feet to them and dig through my bag for my sunglasses. They made their way to the bottom when I took them off to read. “How long have you been working on this?”
A low bridge stretches to the castle, separating a moat as long as the length of the structure. Three towers at four buckets high make up the queen’s realty while a few small buildings sit outside to the right. That must be the city.
“Thirty minutes?” He shrugs, shoveling sand into a pointed bucket.
“I’m impressed. Mostly that she didn’t destroy it yet.”
“Destroy it?” His brows near.
“Nom nom nom!” Riley growls.
Oops, spoke too soon.
“Monster masher!” Her arms spring out as she looks like a hybrid of a zombie and a Frankenstein, stomping towards Ryke’s city.
He tilts his head to the side in disbelief. “Noo,” he groans quietly.
And just like that…his hard work is gone. Welcome to parenthood. It’s beautifully disastrous.
I pat him on the shoulder. “How many more kids do you want?”
His hanging head perks up. “Five. The oldest three can rebuild every time the other two fff-uh muff it up.”
“I honestly can’t imagine you dealing with six kids running around your house, touching everything with their sticky and boogery fingers.”
“I’ll learn to find the balance,” he insists. “How many more do you want?”
“I don’t know. I thought two would be manageable at one point.”
“Manageable?” He takes it transactionally.
“In the aspect of being able to give my utmost attention and time to. I don’t know how I’d run a business and connect with six kids as individuals.”
“People do it all the time. It’s possible. Have faith.”
“A subject we might revisit one day. For now, I’ll keep taking the precautions.”
“Swallowing.” He points.
Laughter takes my voice. “Precautions. Plural.”
The days are long and the years are short, much like our vacation. It seems like we only got here and it’s already coming to an end. Beautifully uneventful and relaxing…well, for the most part. Me, actually fully relaxed? Haven’t seen her in a long time. I deserved this and I couldn’t have afforded it without Ryke.
I snap another crab leg, pull the meat out with my teeth, and dunk it into the garlic butter.
“It’s good, right? I love this place.”
We’ve been to different restaurants all week and this one is by far the best. The waitress is my favorite too. She’s on top of everything, including the mess Riley made when she knocked my water over. Her fatigue tends to come out in obnoxious and noisy ways. Spending all day at the beach has worn her out…me too. It’s a good thing we stopped to eat before we went back to our hotel because I would have got a shower and climbed into bed.
“Are the scallops good?” I ask.
“Yeah. Do you want to try one?”
“I’m gonna go wash my hands. These wet naps aren’t cutting it. I’ll try one when I get back.” I pull my napkin from my lap, setting it on the table as I stand. “Ri, is it okay if you stay with Ryke for a moment?”
“Yep!” She put another French fry in her mouth.
“We got this, right Ri?” He winks at her.
I find the bathroom near the entry door. A young woman in a dark green dress patiently waits for a stall to open. Peering at myself in the mirror, I wipe the lazy grin off my face. To think…I didn’t want to take a chance with him and now he might be the best rash decision I made. I can see something with him. The way he is with Riley…it melts my heart that she likes him, too.
While I’m in here, I’ll use the bathroom since two stalls are now open. I wash my hands for a second time, quickly dry them, and pull the door open. The restaurant is more chaotic as I walk out of the ladies’ room.
Is it a birthday party or something?
What’s happening?
My stomach falls the closer I get to our table.
Something isn’t right. Nobody is smiling. The lights look brighter, too. Maybe that’s just me. I swear nobody is eating. Not the tables or the booths that I pass, making my way toward the booth that I left five minutes ago.
What’s happening?
Who’s that man…in deep blue? And the red shoulders. I’ve seen those colors enough trackside.
Is that…Is that a paramedic? What? Um…no. That’s my table. My booth.
I can’t breathe.
I’m holding my breath.
Stop holding it. Breathe, Max!
I’m...I’m…
“Max, it’s okay. She’s okay.”
What? She? Riley?
“Where’s Riley?” I shove a woman out of the way, reaching for my daughter. “What happened?” I cup her face in my hands, trying to stop my arms from shaking as I smooth her hair back. The tremble in my voice accompanies the stupid tears I’m desperately holding back.
“Mam, is this your daughter?”
“Yes! Yes! What happened?”
“She was choking. Her father called for help and—”
“He’s not her father,” I cut him off.
“I’m sorry, this gentleman called for help. The timing couldn’t have been better. My partner and I had just stopped in for dinner. Her airway is clear. She’s going to be fine, but you can follow up with your family doctor if you choose.” His deep eyes are calming, although it has little effect on my trembling body.
“Max, I’m sorry. I gave her a scallop. I didn’t think—”
“You didn’t think Ryke,” I snap. “That’s the problem.”
“Max…”
“Ryke, pay the bill. We’re leaving.”
Holding Riley close, I examine her sweet face periodically while I listen to the paramedic try to reassure me that she is fine. I thank him and do my best to calm down. Ryke pays the bill quickly, given the circumstances, and I pick up Riley, walking past gawking faces. Some of the strangers offer encouraging words as I pass.
I sit in the backseat, holding her for several minutes. The shaded parking lot did little to keep the truck cool. Ryke started it up and cranked the air on immediately, waiting till I was okay to leave.
Silence isn’t golden. It means I’m in my head, thinking about all the possibilities; everything that could have made the slightest difference. Ryke corners me in the bathroom as I comb out my wet hair.
“Are you going to talk to me at all tonight?”
“That’s my baby, Ryke. If anything had happened to her…”
“She’s fine. Look.” He waves his hand. “She’s fine, Max. She’s playing like it never happened.”
Riley scribbles in a coloring book, laying on her belly and kicking her feet. She’s bound to crash soon. The poor kid has had a long day.
“What if that guy wasn’t there? Would you know how to clear her airway?”
“I called for help.”
I pace the bathroom, watching her through the doorway.
“It’s not enough.” I catch myself getting louder and hush my voice. She can’t hear us. “When a small life is in your hands day in and day out, you have to be prepared because life happens fast…and so does death.”
“Max…I…”
The silence settles between us.
That was terrifying. It’s still terrifying…and I can’t shake it. I’ve lost people that have meant everything to me. He needs to understand where I’m coming from because he can’t be the fun guy all the time anymore. If he’s in my life, around my daughter, he has to be an adult. It’s not simply setting boundaries or being a good example. It’s late sleepless nights when she’s sick, doctor appointments, dental appointments, vision, playdates, sports, and…worrying. Constant fucking worrying. It’s hard. It’s incredibly fucking hard. If he wants to be with me, I am a mom first and foremost. She will always come before him.
“This is my life. I need someone who is going to prove to me that I can rely on them with my daughter. I told you this was going to be hard.”
“I know…” He exhales, but I keep watching that sweet girl, holding back the tears at the thought of losing her. “You were right, Max. I wasn’t ready for this.”
His eyes are fixated on mine as I dart my view to him.
“Are you…do you…want to end this?” Tears well in my lash line and I desperately try to keep them from falling. I’m chasing him away. Was I too harsh? Is there a thing as too harsh when it comes to your child’s wellbeing? Am I sabotaging us? He said he was ready! I said I didn’t know if I was, but I’d try. I’m trying. I’m trying! Don’t do this.
He rushes over to me, taking my chin in one hand, and strokes my hair back. “No, no, no. Don’t ask me that. Not now. I’m not making any decisions without thinking them through, but you’ve given me a lot to consider. I’m stressed, Max. That was—” He pushes the door half closed. “Fucking scary. It wasn’t how I saw today going.”
“Expect the unexpected.” I reach for the toilet paper to wipe my nose. Then I toss it in the trash and turn to the sink. He lets go of my waist and I wash my hands. Drying them, I find him staring at me. I’ve seen that look many times from many people. “Don’t look at me like that.”
“These are my eyes. I can try to exchange them, but the black market scares me.”
My short airy laugh boosts his ego. “You know what I’m talking about.”
His fingers sweep across my jaw.
“Can I kiss you?”
My eyes drop to the floor, lingering before I look back up at him and nod. His lips don’t feel any different. Still soft until they turn heavy and heat seeps into my core. Everything with Cole was filled with flames. We loved passionately and painfully. This isn’t like that. I wanted to grow and change and become the best version of myself, yet as soon as I get scared, I resort to old habits. I push the person I care about away, then pull them back the moment I fear they will leave. Sometimes I wonder if I was the problem, not Cole. If he had gone to couples therapy with me, would it have been a waste of time?
“Can you believe she’s an entire year old already?”
Riley’s tiny hands are wrapped around Cole’s long pointer fingers. Her itty bitty toes curl up in the sand goofily. I hold my phone up and take a picture, smiling to myself as I glance down at the screen. Parking my torn-up jean shorts in the sand next to him, my heart feels full.
“Before you know it, she’ll be graduating high school.”
I poke my bottom lip out, pouting at the thought.
“Don’t put me in that mental state. I’m already on the verge of tears.”
He rubs me with his elbow, nudging me to come closer. Brushing against his slate Let’s Get Dirty shirt sleeve, I admire the little human we created in his yellow sundress. The off-white sunhat falls in her face for the hundredth time. I take it off of her and hold it in my lap.
“When did you start getting emotional?” His chin flicks up.
“Hormones,” I laugh. “She changed me, Cole. When it comes to Ri…”
“You’re a momma bear and that cub is the one part of you that can’t be messed with. I pray I never fuck up. You’d cut me apart and carry on. I can already see it. You would bury me alive. Dirt falling on my face as I fight to get the zip ties off my wrists.”
Luckily we’re one of the few families left on darken beach. Overhearing bury me alive might raise some brows. The white clouds mix with an array of blues and I hang on to the moment before the horizon takes it away.
“You have all the details figured out for me.” I shake my head and roll my eyes. Lying my head on his shoulder, I scoot as close as I can. “And don’t say fuck in front of the baby.”
“Spare my life, momma bear,” Cole laughs.
We sit on the sand, watching the blues swirl together. This will forever be one of my favorite memories—our first family beach trip. I try to capture it in my mind like a photo, to keep it sempiternally.
“I love you, Cole.”
“I love you, lovebird.”
“You’re a good dad. I wouldn’t bury you. Maybe steal the key to your quad or truck, though.” He pulls away, forcing my head off of his shoulder. “Don’t look at me like that.”
“I’ll look at you however I want, like the psychopath you are or like the gorgeous woman you’ll always be.”
“You’re so romantic,” I sneer.
“Anytime, baby. Just call me Mr. Suave.” His brows jump and wiggle.
He’ll never be a man of beautiful words, but he makes up for it with the little things he does that prove how far he would go and how hard he loves. I’ve always seen into the shadows when I came to Cole. He lives in the gray. His romantic gestures as tiny and meaningful. Whether it’s starting my truck on a brisk winter morning to warm it up for me or running to the store at nine PM because we’re out of ice cream and I’m craving my favorite, but don’t want to put pants on.
“Do you love me more than your dirt bike?”
“No competition. I’d light the bike on fire for you.”
“You’d be miserable.”
“I’d rather be miserable with you than miserable without you.”
I stand corrected. He does know a few beautiful words. “Your poetry should be in a book.”
“Blue skies, dry sand, my girl is my best friend.”
My smile stretches cheek to cheek. Then it falls and I find myself deep in his blue eyes. “I’d burn the Oak tree for you.”
“The Oak? No, you wouldn’t.”
“It would be very last resort, but…yeah, I would. For you and Ri.”
“I’d carve our initials into a thousand more.”
“Now you’re getting too smooth, sir.”
He hums the chorus to Nic D’s Skin Like Summer. I bob my head side to side and shimmy my shoulders and Ri hops up and down with her chubby little legs.