Chapter Ten
York
How the hell were adults supposed to find time to have conversations without little ears overhearing?
It had been a full week—and three visits—since the pool day, and I’d yet to get more than two minutes alone with Runa to try to talk about her bruises. And what happened in my bedroom.
Though, to be honest, it was starting to feel like she was deliberately setting up situations where it would be hard—if not impossible—for the two of us to get time alone to speak.
She’d set up a beach day—guaranteeing that we wouldn’t be away from Denali for even two seconds.
Then there’d been the children’s museum.
And, finally, bowling.
She made very sure not to have it so I could come back to her place, where Denali might go to her room and give us time to speak.
Now, the question was: was it simply because she knew I knew about the bruises and didn’t want to talk about it, or was it something else?
Was it because I’d put my hands on her and she had regrets about that?
But if so, why? We were both adults. We were still attracted to each other.
What was wrong with us enjoying some adult activities?
Was it about Denali?
About not wanting to make her get her hopes up about her mom and dad being together?
I guess I could understand that.
But there was no reason she had to know.
Why couldn’t we wait for her to go to bed then… do whatever our bodies wanted?
I had nothing but questions and a frustrating lack of answers.
So I had a plan.
One I was pretty sure Runa wasn’t going to like, but as much as I was enjoying just spending time with them, getting to know them, I needed answers. I needed to know if there was something I needed to be on the lookout for with them.
Like an abusive ex.
My stomach knotted at the idea.
I tried to convince myself it was purely because I hated the idea of my daughter witnessing that, thinking it was what men did to women. And it was that. But I knew it was more than that too. I was just choosing to ignore it.
I had two pizza boxes, breadsticks, drinks, some candy, popcorn, and a bag full of DVDs… and a player, since I hadn’t thought to pick one of those up when I filled the apartment.
Then I did what you were never supposed to do. I showed up unannounced.
There was a long pause as Runa looked out the peephole before unlocking the door.
The second she did, Denali looked over from where she was kneeling on the living room carpet using the coffee table to play with her animal figurines.
“Daddy!” She beamed at me.
“Surprise,” I said. “I figured maybe we should have a pizza and movie night.”
“Yay!” Denali cheered.
“Hope I caught you before you cooked,” I said, but I knew I did since no one ate at exactly five in the evening.
“Hadn’t even thought about dinner yet. You could have texted to ask, though.” It was a small admonishment. And she was right. But, also, we both knew why I didn’t.
“So you could come up with a reason to meet outside of the apartment?” I asked under my breath.
“I haven’t been avoiding you. We’ve seen you every other day.”
“In public.”
“I know you’re new to this, but kids can be easier to handle when you keep them occupied. I don’t know if you’re going to be up for a full day of talking for stuffed animals or figurines.”
“I have to learn eventually, right?” I asked.
She reached to take the bag from me. “What movies did you get? We do have a bit of a collection.”
“I got the ones I asked her about but she hadn’t seen: Atlantis, The Aristocats, Hercules, and The Jungle Book.”
“Solid choices. Nothing too sad.”
“Yeah, I figured that was the goal.”
“She cried for three days after I let her watch The Lion King. We mostly stick to princess movies. But I think she will like these.”
“I’ll set up the player.”
With that, we ate our pizza, watched one movie, then had a break to make popcorn and open the candy, then watched another movie.
When Denali started yawning, Runa demanded she change into pajamas and brush her teeth before we put on another movie.
It was a smart move on her part because just ten or so minutes into the next film, I felt her lean into me as she started to massage the ear of her capybara.
My heart swelled that she chose to lean into me, and my arm went around her, my fingers sifting through her soft hair.
Two yawns later, her eyes slid closed and stayed that way.
Runa glanced over, taking it in, her smile soft.
“That’s a good feeling, isn’t it?” she asked.
“Yeah, it’s something else.” Denali shifted in her sleep, her chubby cheek pressing against me. “Do you ever feel like your heart is too big for your chest?”
“Pretty much every day since she came along,” Runa said, sharing the understanding. And it was nice to have someone who got it. “If you give her about twenty minutes, we can move her to her bed.”
“Twenty minutes, huh?”
“Yep. It’s a science. If you try it at fifteen, you’re gonna wake her up and she’ll be wired and impossible to get back to sleep until like midnight.”
“Good to know. I’m in no rush to move her.”
With Denali between us, neither of us spoke, just stared at the TV but seemed to get lost in our own thoughts. Until Runa suddenly got up.
“Do you want me to do it?”
“How about you watch and learn this time, so you can do it next time?” she suggested.
Then she carefully lifted our daughter and pressed her to her shoulder, pausing to rub her stuffed animal against her cheek for a second when she stirred, then carrying her down the hall.
I followed, watching her put Denali down, pull the blankets up, then press the capybara up near her head, then lean down to kiss her forehead.
She turned off the big light and on the astronaut projector.
“She’s obsessed with that,” she explained as she moved into the hallway, closing the door.
“Good. I’m glad. You close the door?”
“I hate closing it, but I will never forget this video I saw of how an entire house basically burned up… except for the room with the closed door. So she sleeps with a door closed, and so do I, but she knows she can come out and see me anytime.”
“That makes sense. Afraid of fires, huh?”
“Is anyone not afraid of fires?”
“Fair enough.”
She made her way to the living room, cleaning up the candy and food, bringing it into the kitchen, and putting everything into baggies, pizza included, then putting it all away.
“This was nice. She had a good time.”
That was a brush-off if I ever heard one. Everything about it, and her stiff posture, said it was time for me to go.
I leaned back against the cabinet instead.
Her whole body tensed.
And, yeah, I felt a bit like a dick about it. Especially if there had been a man in her life who had pushed her around a lot. But I needed answers, so I was just going to need to deal with the gross feeling in my stomach at her reaction.
“We need to talk.”
Runa exhaled hard.
“Look, York. We’re both adults. It happened. It doesn’t need to be discussed beyond the fact that it can’t happen again.”
Ah, so that was what she was all tense about. Not the conversation about their past, but how I’d gotten her off in my bedroom.
In general, I agreed. That kind of thing didn’t necessarily need to be discussed. Except I took issue with the “can’t.”
“Can’t, huh?” I asked.
She turned to me, chin high. “Right. Can’t.”
“Why can’t it?”
“Because of Denny. You just started to be part of her life. If things get weird with us, you might not want to be in it so much, and that’s not fair to her.”
“Alright. Let’s unpack that load of bullshit. I did just start to be a part of her life. But you’re wrong in thinking anything would get between us now. Even if shit went nuclear with us. I’d still be able to make it work for her sake. And I know you’d do the same.”
“I’d do whatever I needed to make sure she was happy, healthy, and safe.”
“Yeah, that last bit. That’s what I wanted to discuss. Not how good you sound moaning for me when I’m touching you.”
Alright.
It was low to go there just to watch the way desire flickered in her eyes. But I never claimed to play fair.
“Oh.”
“We can talk about that if you want, though.”
“No. No, I’m good. Sorry, I’m spacing. What part did you want to talk about?”
“Safety.”
“Oh, right. Well, I always lock the doors. And windows, even though no one can scale them.”
“Babe, come on. You know I want to talk about the bruises. About Denali seeing a man hurt you.”
“Oh,” she said, exhaling hard. “That.”
“Yeah, that.”
“I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that. I mean, that was why I’d recommended the zoo in the first place. I thought we might be able to talk a little bit.”
“She’s got a sense for when you’re trying to talk and interrupting it,” I said.
“Honestly, she’s not usually like that. She has this innate ability to know when I need to have an adult conversation and just… occupy herself while I do that. I think it says a lot about how comfortable she already is with you that she constantly wants to talk to you.”
“That’s good to hear.”
“I always hoped she would have a good father figure in her life. I’d like to think I’m more than enough.
God knows I have loved her enough for two parents.
But I have been painfully aware of the fact that I am single, that I don’t have any close family, that if anything happened to me, she might end up in the system. I couldn’t stand that thought.”
“So, you are single.”
“Yeah. I mean, I’ve been single since I found out I was pregnant.
That hardly felt like the time to get into some kind of relationship.
And I never wanted to be someone who had a revolving door of men in and out of my kid’s life.
Though, I guess I gave her a completely different kind of instability. ”
“Moving around a lot,” I said.
“Yes, that. And financial instability.”
“Hey, I don’t know everything about your life, but I do know that you have shoes that are nearly worn through the soles, but Denali has an entire wardrobe of princess dresses, with matching shoes, jewelry, and tiaras.
You might have had times where you wished you could give her more, but from where I’m standing, she hasn’t wanted for anything. ”
“It’s not things she’s needed, per se. But I couldn’t take her out to eat, to the zoo, the arcade, the movies…”
“She’s young, Runa. There is plenty of time for her to have all the experiences you want to give her.”
“Yeah, that’s what I keep telling myself.”
“Can we circle back, though?” I asked.
“To the moving around.”
“I have a feeling you didn’t exactly do that willingly.”
“Not at all,” she agreed, sighing.
“Talk to me. I can’t protect you two if I don’t know what’s going on.”
“That’s the problem, though.”
“What is?”
“I don’t know what the hell is going on, either.”