36. Archer
Chapter thirty-six
Archer
Present
D ear Seb,
I’ve spent the last five years dead inside because of you. Because instead of having you to talk to, I convinced myself if I let your stupid chip help me make decisions that it was like actually having you here with me, guiding me. But all it did was make me believe you didn’t think I was good enough for Tilly, like I didn’t deserve her. And hell, I probably don’t. I could’ve ignored the chip and still told Tilly how I felt, but that’s my own dumbass fault. I know helping her open her bakery doesn’t make up for the past hurt between us, but it’s brought us closer and given her the chance to figure out there could be something between us.
And the something between us isn’t just sex. Yeah, that’s fucking explosive. I knew it would be. There’s so much history and tension that was built up that made the sex that much better (you better not be watching, or I’ll kick your ass once I get to see you again). But now we’re in this weird space, a situationship if you will, where we’re not officially anything but we’re spending all of our time together. If you were here I’d ask for your brotherly advice, but you’re not. And neither is Jessie.
If I dwell too long on the fact that I only have Tilly now because Jessie’s gone, I start to doubt that I truly deserve a chance with her and feel like a total dick for what I’m doing. But I know Jessie would want Tilly with someone who’d love her with his whole heart, and that’s me.
We’ve spent the last week working at the bakery, putting finishing touches on the place while we wait for the coolers and door, and every night we have dinner at my house. She hasn’t stayed the night yet because she still isn’t able to be cuddled, which is understandable given the way Jessie passed, but I hope with time she’ll eventually get there. I want to cuddle the fuck out of her. The house has never felt so…warm. It’s stupid, but Tilly brings life to it. There’s always music playing and food cooking and having her here just feels right. Like this is where she belongs. With me.
Nora and Shantel stopped by to have coffee the other day when Tilly was at the bakery, and even though I feel like they’d be okay with it if Tilly and I decided to make a go of it, I still couldn’t tell them about us spending time together. What if I ruin things with Tilly? I’m the exact opposite of everything Jessie was. I’m gruff where he was poised, surly when he was always happy, and I’m worried deep down they know I’m not good enough for her.
Dad sure made it clear he knows I’m not good enough. Mom called the other day and, in the background, he mumbled to stop spending so much time with Tilly or I was going to tarnish her too. It’s getting harder not to cut them completely out of my life. I know if you were here I’d be able to suffer through Dad’s blatant disdain for me and Mom’s nonchalant attitude about it, but you aren’t here. You left me.
I should be hearing from the producers of the show in a few days. I haven’t figured out what to do about Tilly and me if I get chosen. When I applied for the job I figured it’d be the best option for me to get out of the state, away from everything that reminded me of you and Jessie and how much I’ve lost. It would be the break from seeing Tilly I needed to finally move on. No chance of running into her at the store or being forced to sit across from her at Sunday dinners, because I’d be a state away. But then I started working on the bakery with her. I figured we’d get the work done, and it would be painful and motivating for me to want to leave, but the opposite happened, and I fell even harder.
We haven’t made things official yet, and we should probably have that conversation soon, but there’s so much up in the air right now. I’m not sure I can give up the opportunity to advance my career, and I can’t ask her to move to Knoxville with me when her life is here, either. I’ve gotta call the lawyer so he can draw up the paperwork to change the bakery lease to Tilly’s name instead of mine so it’s officially hers, but that’s another thing I’m struggling to do. How is she going to react when she finds out it was my building? That Jessie never had the chance to submit the paperwork to sublet it from me and that’s why she found it in the closet. It shouldn’t matter to her, but I know it will. We’re in such a good spot that I’m terrified of rocking the boat with all the things we’ve pushed to the side. Each one has the potential to poke a hole in the boat we’re coasting on, and I’m already sinking with the weight of everything I’ve got on my shoulders. Send me some good luck down here, asshole. I really need it.
-Arch