48. Tilly
Chapter forty-eight
Tilly
“ Y ou’re pregnant,” Shantel squeals.
Every muscle in my body tenses, and I jerk my head back. “What?”
“Have you taken a test yet?”
A coldness settles into my bones. “I’m not preg…No.”
Suddenly, there’s not enough air in the room and I’m gasping for any morsel my lungs can get.
“Tilly,” Shantel says, voice high pitched. “We’re pregnant together!”
My vision swims, brain fuzzing out on every thought trying to ram through my mental block.
Pregnant?
I can’t even say I’m surprised by how much sex we had after that night at the barn, but I’ve always known my ovulation cycle. How could I get pregnant if there wasn’t supposed to be an egg in there?
How am I going to tell him?
A million questions batter my weary mind, and I rest my head on the cool island to catch my breath.
“Fuck.”
“No, no, no,” Shantel says, arm laying over my shoulder. “He’s going to be so happy, Tilly.”
“You don’t know that.” Tears drip onto the countertop, and I reach for a napkin to wipe them away. “ He left.”
She shakes my shoulders. “He has loved you since the day he met you, Tilda St. James. And he might have left, but he didn’t want to. You didn’t give him any reason to stay. You were too scared to tell him you loved him too. Too scared to give him your heart again, but it’s not too late.”
“He’s going to be so mad.” My stomach clenches with the thought. We never spoke about kids and whether he wanted to have them. With how he was raised, I’m not sure he’d want any himself.
“Stop assuming what he’s going to be.” She takes my computer. “Let’s get you to Knoxville to find out.”
“I can’t go there now.” I try to take the computer back, but she pushes me away.
“You were planning to go there anyway. Nothing has changed.”
I throw my hands in the air. “Everything has changed!”
“You’re being dramatic, and that’s my area of expertise. You’re going to get your baby daddy and bring him back here.”
I get up from the island and go outside to think in peace. My hand automatically moves to my stomach, and I savor the brisk air, willing it to calm my nerves. I’ve always wanted kids, but Jessie and I never got that opportunity.
Oddly enough, it feels like everything, and nothing, has changed since this revelation. Even though it’s terrifying to think about, I can see how good of a father Archer would be to our kid. How good of a husband he could be if I let him.
If he still wants me.
Thoughts of what to do about our life speed through my mind. Would Archer move back here? Would I move? Can I find another bakery space there ?
Swallowing past my dry throat, I decide to go through with my plan of selling the bakery. Even if he wants nothing to do with me, with our baby, I still can’t handle being there without him.
“I bought your tickets to Knoxville,” Shantel says when I come back inside. “You leave tomorrow morning.”
I lean my head on her shoulder. “Why am I such an idiot?”
“Don’t talk about yourself that way.” Shantel grabs my purse and places it into my hands. “Let’s go get a test to confirm.”
Three pregnancy tests and a sweet potato later, I stand in front of the bakery with a sense of unease. I’ve wanted this my entire life, and now that I finally have it within my grasp, it doesn’t feel like I expected it to. Without Archer in my life to celebrate with, nothing feels…right.
I press the red and white For Lease sign onto the bakery window. Tears stroll down my cheeks as I back away, hoping someone who has a dream of having their own bakery buys the building instead of another restaurant or overly priced hot yoga studio.
I tug my cardigan closer, walking down the sidewalk and into The Pearl’s square. The ding of the holiday bell brings my attention to the rotund Santa, his cheeks rosy and beard slightly yellow. He’s not the same Santa from the other night, but I’m sure the little kids standing in line to greet him don’t notice. They’re too excited for him to make their dreams come true.
I wonder if he can make mine come true.
My eyes fall to my stomach, and a wish forms in my head. I’m sure that Santa knows my Christmas spirit is lacking, but hopefully he’ll renew it by making one wish come true. I wait patiently behind kids hopped up on sugar from the cookies and candy canes being passed out in the square. When it’s finally my turn, I forgo the picture opportunity and lean into Santa’s ear to tell him my wish. With a smile and a squeeze of my hand, he nods and tells me he’ll do his best. I want to tell him I’m not holding my breath, but I’ll take all the luck I can get at this point.
***
“Shantel will drop off the cakes to you at ten.” I pull my carry-on behind me, talking to my dad as I dodge travelers arriving at the gate and try to find a seat. At five am, getting through security was easy, but the line at Dunkin’ held me up an extra thirty minutes, and I barely made it to the gate on time.
At least I’m caffeinated.
“Okay, sweetheart.” He sighs, and I know it’s not the end of it. “Are you sure you want to do this?”
“Yes, Dad.”
“But the bakery was your dream.”
I swallow, massaging the tense muscles wreaking havoc on my neck. Dad was surprised, and a little angry, to hear I wanted to put the bakery up for sublet before it even opened. All the hard work and money Jessie and Archer spent getting it ready would be lost if I couldn’t find another renter, and I’d be essentially selling my dream for a chance at a relationship with someone who left me. I didn’t tell him that I pushed him away, that I made it near impossible for him to want to stay when I told him we were nothing but a fling.
“If I’m meant to have my own bakery there will be other opportunities.”
His voice lowers, takes on a menacing tone. “He better be worth it.”
“He is,” I reply, sure of my words. I may not have made him feel worth it, but I know with my entire soul he is worth more than a building. More than a dream .
“If you say so.” He exhales, and Gloria calls his name in the background. “I’ve gotta go, but let me know when you land sweet pea. Love you.”
“I will. Love you, too.”
I hang up with him and pull up the text from Shantel with Archer’s hotel information. I didn’t let him know I was coming because I was scared I’d blurt out that I’m pregnant before I had a chance to see him. To see the reaction on his face to truly know how he feels about it, about me.
I fire off a text to let her know we’re boarding and power down my phone. It’s a four-hour flight, and I’m sure I’ll be on pins and needles the entire time. Hopefully when I arrive, I’ll finally have figured out a plan to fix things.