You Can't Save Me

Chapter 1

Theo

One more hit. That’s what I kept telling myself. Wrapping the belt around my arm and taking that needle into my vein is everything to me. But it wasn’t supposed to be this way. Camie wouldn’t want it to be this way.

Shaking my head at the thought of that night makes me sick. Pushing the end of the needle down and letting the liquid pour into my veins turns everything into nothing. Deep dark nothing. I loved the dark. It soothed me and made all the demons go away. Time started to slow but went fast all at the same time. Why did time play these games with me?

I looked around and started to feel everything coming back to me, then the darkness went away too. The feeling didn’t last nearly as long as I needed it to anymore, and that’s when I needed to see her again. She’s not the one that I wanted to see but I can’t see the person I wanted anymore. Camie was dead, and it was all my fault. The guilt ate me from the inside out. I couldn’t live in reality. I didn’t deserve it.

Starting to feel a chill up my back thanks to the early fall breeze in Chicago, I pulled my sweater on and headed back to Claire’s house. This was not the life that I had planned for myself. I wanted all those things that a typical person wants: a good job, house, wife and eventually kids, but, due to a shitty hand that was dealt to me, I couldn’t have any of that. Instead, I was giving myself to some rich bitch for my next hit. I didn’t feel bad about it anymore because nothing else mattered.

Claire was the only person who could give me what I needed, but obviously that came with a price. When you chased what I did for so long, you learned to make do with what you had and understood that you will never have the life you wanted. In the end, I would die alone and probably with that needle in my arm.

I looked up and realized that I was about two blocks from her house and knew that I needed to go toward the back of her house because she didn’t want her neighbors to see me coming through the front. I heard loud music coming up the road and just as I looked, an SUV ran right into a pool of water and it splashed up on me.

“What the fuck!” I yelled out into the night.

They kept driving. Of course they didn’t stop. There were no good people in this world anymore. I shook off my arms and realized that Claire was going to be pissed that I was wet. She kept a super clean house and hated if I came and made any sort of mess. Thanks to her, I got to shower once or twice a week, but I tried to maintain myself despite being homeless.

While walking, I tried to wave my arms around, hoping that it would dry me off enough so she wouldn’t turn me away tonight. That couldn’t happen. I needed that next hit and I would do anything for it. I reached up and scratched my arm. What if she did turn me away? What would I do? Fuck, I didn’t know.

Feeling defeated already, I started to second guess if I should go to her house or if I should go back to my man-made bed in the park. Camie wouldn’t want this. She would want me to try to get help and get clean. But I couldn’t. I was too far gone. I scratched again and felt my arm starting to swell. At this rate, I would be bleeding by the time I arrived at her house. I took the next left and then her house was up ahead. To own a house in this neighborhood, you had to have money and Claire did have money. Her husband passed away ten years ago, and he had been a big shot lawyer. When he died, he had left her with more money than she knew what to do with.

I met Claire last year after the accident. At the time, I was running out of my pills that they prescribed me for my injuries from the accident. I knew that I shouldn’t have been taking them the way I did, but I just wanted to be numb. She told me that she could help me and I believed her but now all I was doing was chasing the dark and silence until my next hit.

I looked up and saw that her light was on near her back door, so I walked up to it. I took a deep breath because I was not looking forward to what she would have planned for me. But I would do pretty much anything to make all the voices go away and make it dark again.

I closed my eyes and I saw Camie. Long blonde hair blowing in the wind. She ran through a field of wildflowers and with her ivory skin, it made her vibrant blue eyes shine that much more. She was happy, we were happy.

“Good evening, baby boy. How are you tonight?”

And just like that, I opened my eyes. My daydream disappeared and there stood Claire in a black nightie. Don’t get me wrong, she didn’t look bad for a lady in her fifties, but she wouldn’t even be on my radar if I was my old self. But unfortunately, she was all over my radar now.

“Hello, Claire.” I kept it short and sweet with her because we both knew what this was—nothing but a transaction and a fast one at that. I needed that next fix soon.

“Come on in, sugar. I got some fun things for us tonight.” A chill went down my spine as if telling me to just leave, but my feet wouldn’t move. She moved out of the way and I walked in and turned back to look at the door. She shut and locked it. She took her finger and rubbed it over my cheekbone and down my shoulder to my chest.

“Time for some fun, baby.” With that comment, she grabbed me by my shirt and led me off to her dark room. This was for the darkness. Just get through it so you can get to the darkness again. The only thing I could do was chant to myself, but sometimes it was not enough to hide the demons.