Chapter 21
Theo
I couldn’t stay there. Why couldn’t I? What the hell was wrong with me? I didn’t deserve to be happy. I didn’t deserve to be with a woman like her after what I did to Camie. I should have been dead, but I wasn’t and I had been trying to figure that question out for over a year.
I reached into my pocket and realized that I didn’t have my phone. Shit. Did I leave it at Serenity’s place? I tried to piece together the last time that I saw it and realized that I left it at Claire’s. Fuck. I grabbed my face and dragged my hands down it. Why did I leave it there? Who knew what Claire would do with it if she found it. If she tossed it, that means I would lose any contact I had with Serenity. Maybe that was a good thing. Maybe not. My thoughts were crashing together and I couldn’t keep them straight. I looked up from where I was walking and saw my dealer.
”Thank god.” I didn’t mean to say it out loud, it just kind of happened. I pulled the cash out of my pocket and walked up to him.
”I need something strong to make all this go away.” I was gesturing to my head, which he probably didn’t understand. He eyed me up and down. He then started to glance around to see if anyone was watching us. I almost got the feeling this guy was extremely paranoid. But I guessed that would make sense, since he was a drug dealer after all. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a baggie of white powder.
”This will make it all go away,” he said. I studied it for a second because I didn’t want that.
”You don’t have any pills?” Great, now I was being picky about what drugs I was taking. I looked at him and he looked like he was about to turn me away. I hurried and reached for the bag with one hand, then handed him the money in the other.
”Thanks.” He just nodded. I turned to walk away, but he grabbed my arm.
”Be careful with this shit. It’s a lot stronger than shit I’ve had before.” I nodded this time and walked away. Maybe this time, the demons would go away for good. But a part of me was starting to think differently. I shook my head again because I couldn’t think that way. I started to walk around the park until I came across the bench with my things.
The whole way there, I was praying that someone hadn’t taken my bag. I got to the bench and saw it was still there. I looked around and realized that it’s a lot later than I thought because there is no one around.
I reached down for the baggie and poured some of the powder out on my hand. I hesitated for a minute, but then I put my nose down and snorted it up. It took a minute, but just as I had that thought, I felt like I hit a brick wall. Was this me? Was this the life that I chose for myself? Why did Camie have to be dead? Why did I blame myself? Because it was your fault. You were driving and couldn’t keep her safe. It played over and over in my head like a movie. The last time I saw her. The last time I kissed her. Her parents blamed me, hell everyone blamed me. I knew it.
The quiet started to sneak in. All the voices that were there earlier were now gone. I loved this feeling of nothingness. There was nothing like it. I tilted my head back and closed my eyes. Staring into the dark, I started to drift off. I saw the dark, and it was eerily calming.
Wait, what was happening? There was something in the distance of the darkness. What the hell was that? It was bright and getting brighter. Where was the darkness going? I turned and started to walk toward the dark behind me because that was where I wanted to be. I looked back and saw the lights coming after me faster.
“Fuck you.” I started to run now, but I felt something pulling me backward. I started to lose my footing, but I fell forward and tried to grab the floor.
“No, you can’t take this from me. Fuck you!” I didn’t know who I was yelling at, but it wasn’t helping. It seemed like it was making it harder to stay in the dark. I started to hear voices, but I didn’t see anyone.
“What do you want? Leave me alone.” I was pleading with the light to just leave me in the dark, but there was no answer. I felt defeated at this point and decided to just let the light take me back in. I would find the dark again. That was a promise. I rolled over onto my back and got up. I looked back at what was left of the darkness and bowed my head. I started to move my legs and walked toward the light, but before I could take a step, I was jolted forward.
“Sir, can you hear me?” I opened my eyes and struggled as I took breaths. I started to look around and saw flashing lights, but I couldn’t make out what was going on. I tried to get up, but my body felt weak.
“He’s waking up!” someone was shouting, and it was too loud.
“Thank god! I thought he was going to die.” I heard a woman’s voice.
“If it wasn’t for you ma’am, we wouldn’t have got to him in time. Please come answer a couple of questions for me so that the paramedics can take him.” Now there was a male voice.
“What the fuck happened?” I tried to say but it didn’t seem to come out the way I was thinking it.
“You were overdosing, but we managed to bring you back. Now relax and let us check your vitals.”
What the fuck. I was overdosing? They brought me back? No, no, no! It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I needed to go. I couldn’t be taken to a hospital. I tried to get up again but I felt strong hands on my shoulders. Another hand went to my back for support, but it hurt. Shit, the marks on my back. I couldn’t have them seeing those. Too many questions.
“Can I go? I’ll be fine.” I tried to get up but I was extremely dizzy and struggled.
“You really should come with us to the hospital so we can take a look at you.” I looked at the guy next to me for the first time without hazy eyes. He seemed genuine that he wanted to help me, but no one could help me.
“I’m fine. Um, thank you.” He studied me for another few seconds when he looked past my shoulder at another guy. He nodded, and they helped me back to the bench that I was sitting on before all the excitement. I put my hands on my head, which was pounding now.
“Hey.” I tried to look , but it was tough.
“Take this card. This is someone who can help you if you want the help. I have been where you are now and know that it’s hard, but you can get through it.” I grabbed the card and looked at it.
Marco Sanchez.
I looked at him one more time and nodded. He went back to the ambulance, which I did not see before, but realized it was the thing with flashy lights.
After they left, I looked at the card again and realized I didn’t get his name at all. There was something about him saying he understood that made me think I could be normal again one day. I could give Serenity everything that she deserved and more. Doubtful, buddy. I shook it off and laid down on the bench, hoping that if I got some sleep my head would stop pounding. Dealer guy was right, this shit was way different from before. I was going to have to take it easy unless I wanted that one-way ticket to never coming back. To think before meeting Serenity the thought was heaven to me, but now I didn’t want to die as much. I would like to have a life that mattered again. Maybe.