Chapter 18
At ease, soldier. Those were your parting words.
And you know what, Vail? Not so wrong. I am a warrior.
I left the Beanery and marched down to Canal Street, where I bought bootleg DVDs of your sitcom.
I bought scripts too. Neon covers with titles like “The Turtle and the Hare” and “Three’s a Crowd” (really looking forward to that one).
I got Vagina to invite Dumb and Dumber to an astrology slut gathering somewhere in the Lower East Side, and my home is all mine. As it fucking should be.
I have the TV and the DVD player. I bought a Moleskine to take notes, because this is the closest I’ll ever get to cramming for an exam.
It’s not right, Vail. We aren’t built to watch hours of TV in one sitting.
We’re humans. David Foster Wallace knows that.
We need to breathe. Talk and fuck. Watch commercials and oh yeah.
Read.
But this is what it takes to learn your second language, and I am a soldier, a soldier of love.
Season 1: Your idol Carrie Bradshaw is not what I expected. She’s a sarcastic cynic pontificating on “the end of love in Manhattan.” Do you buy into that? Do you not understand that you are trying to end love in this city by fucking with my head?
I know. It’s not time for questions. But Dick was right.
I do like Mr. Big. He picks up Carrie and calls her out.
He knows she’s never been in love. She’s so insecure that she goes mute and stares out the window.
In the next episode, she gets insecure because she’s not a model, and I make a half-hearted ham fucking sandwich.
I am tired already. Models? Whatever.
Big goes out of his way to visit Carrie at her coffee shop.
He says he just wants to be with someone who makes him laugh.
Such a fucking cool cat! He went to her.
He opened up to her but still Carrie spends all her time picking him apart with her friends.
She’s holding out for him. She claims she wants “love,” but she dumps another guy for being nice to her.
(That episode was boring, not enough Big.) Next one is better.
Carrie makes out with a random young guy with a tongue ring, and she SLEEPS with him and I’m… confused.
I thought she was so in love with Big. I thought you were in love with me.
Poor Big doesn’t know she’s sleeping around.
They have casual plans to meet up for a “drink thing.” Nothing serious.
He’s with his friend who just got dumped, same way she hangs out with her friends.
But she throws a fit and stomps out. And still he likes her!
Still. She’s picking apart the young guy because he has a roommate, because he has no toilet paper and sorry, but is this your hero, Vail? Do you talk like that about me?
And would Big like her if he saw this snobbery?
! Now Big is out with his buddy. She bumps into him ON HER WALK OF SHAME.
Poor Big doesn’t know she was just in bed with another guy.
He invites her to join them—so cool—and she is super condescending about his crossword puzzle. Right in front of his buddy!
And still, he likes her! Still.
HOLY SHIT SHE JUST BANGED ANOTHER DUDE A RANDOM EUROPEAN GUY AND HE GAVE HER MONEY AND SHE TOOK THE MONEY WHAT THE FUCK VAIL SERIOUSLY?! Do I need an STD test?!
Next one is better. Carrie and Big have a date.
She wears a naked dress. The one she wears on the poster that goes on the bus.
Charlotte is right. Clearly, she is gonna fuck him.
He picks her up in a limo, and she lets him fuck her right in the car.
He’s cool. He treats her like a lady and takes her to a Szechuan restaurant that looks really fucking good—I AM ORDERING SZECHUAN—and she’s rude.
She leaves Big to hug a random guy, and then she refuses to introduce them.
That was gross and the restaurant was fast. My Szechuan is here. Score!
Big and Carrie are a step ahead of us now.
They’re a couple, but she’s still complaining.
He glances at another girl, and she gets mad.
He doesn’t introduce her to random friends on the street and she gets mad.
Hypocrite much?! Hello…the Szechuan place!
By the way, if we do make it and you’re reading this Moleskine because I just died of old age and you miss me, you should’ve been here with me.
The Szechuan is good. We could’ve taken this journey together.
Next episode. Carrie “caught” Big on a date with another woman. Instead of being sad, she stomps out and tries to make him jealous. And still, he likes her. Still!
Oh, Big, I feel you, brother, I do. Every episode is the same story.
Crazy Carrie gives up on Big for no reason.
He’s a punching bag with an old soul and a lot of suits who never gives up on her.
I got to “Three’s a Crowd,” and my God, Vail.
Carrie is now obsessed with threesomes. That’s all she does…
OBSESS. She asks Big if he had a threesome, and the answer is yes…
with his wife. As in ex-wife. Who cares?
! The guy was married. So the fuck what?
She’s a psycho, Vail. She runs around with random guys but he’s the bad guy? Is that your goal with us?
It’s getting worse. Carrie won’t tell Big how she feels. She stalks his ex-wife and shows up at her WORK. Big finds out, and she blames him for making her crazy?!
And still, he likes her. Still.
Road trip episode. Carrie and The Others are going to a baby shower for a woman they all hate, SO WHY THE FUCK GO?
! Samantha sticks up for Charlotte. Miranda kills it with her commentary.
Carrie thinks she’s pregnant. She tells her friends like they aren’t all down in the dumps trying to recover from that shower at a dive fucking bar. And duh. Carrie’s not pregnant.
I’m surprised that she didn’t call Big and lie about being pregnant, and the calypso music in the opening credits is starting to get to me.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS ONE?! Carrie farts in bed.
Big laughs because news flash: FARTS ARE FUNNY.
She goes nuts, jumps out of bed, and runs away and is this why you’re so obsessed with Everyone Poops?
Big teases her with a whoopie cushion (love that guy, I do) while she’s being pretentious about going to a museum.
Sorry, but if you can’t laugh at a whoopie cushion, you don’t deserve a guy with a whoopie cushion.
Now he’s not in the mood, and she’s paranoid.
But when he calls, she sends him to her answering machine.
Been there, brother Big. But I get it now. Carrie is abusive and selfish. Deranged.
And still, he likes her. Still.
Big shows up at her place (such a cool cat), and she’s MAD at him.
He says he likes her bed and she pretends she hasn’t been a voyeur staring at her neighbors as they fuck their brains out in front of a window.
Where is this Manhattan?! Why no curtains?
Is everyone an astrology slut except me?
She’s a pervert and a liar who lives off The Others.
And still, he likes her. Still.
Season 1 is almost over, and I’m feeling pretty fluent.
Carrie spies on Big and his mom at church.
She’s a stalker and she is jealous…of his mother?
! Poor Miranda is her wing woman (only sane one, no big look-at-me hat like Carrie), and Carrie drops a BIBLE.
She blames Big for her psycho, stalking ways and… and…
And still, he likes her. Still.
So much that he wants to take her on a vacation. He’s paying for it. She’s packed and here he is with his town car—I want a town car—and are you…Are you fucking kidding me, Vail? She’s dumping him?! She’s dumping him?!
Season 2. My left leg is asleep. Bloated from Chinese. I farted. You missed it.
Carrie plays the victim, as if she got dumped.
Throws herself at a new Yankee, and her picture is in the paper with the new Yankee.
Nice, Carrie. Really considerate. She runs into Big and he’s the coolest cat ever.
He walks right up to her even though she dumped him, made him go on vacation alone and rubbed another man’s jockstrap in his face.
He tells her that she never looked better.
She stays with her Yankee who she doesn’t even like and she insults his intelligence while Big is hanging his head thinking she’s moved on and… and…
And still, he likes her. Still.
You said there are no holidays in your show, but this one is about Carrie’s birthday.
Her friends throw her a party. She invites Big and he says he’s gonna bring someone and she acts like this is unfair.
Turns out by “someone,” he meant a buddy, a Piven type.
Carrie gets jealous when Big tips the belly dancers AS IF THE BELLY DANCERS DON’T DESERVE TO GET TIPS.
Yawn. Now she thinks all dudes in New York are freaks.
Like she’s not a freak for rummaging through a guy’s stuff.
Fucking psycho, Vail. I don’t like the circus music either.
None of these guys are freaks. Even the guy who doesn’t leave Manhattan.
A little disappointed in Miranda, stomping off like Carrie.
Maybe cuntism is contagious, like the flu.