Chapter 33 #2
You Again Because DON’T YOU GET IT HE DOESN’T LIKE YOU: Don’t mind the babbling. Pretty sure I am still drunk. Anyway how’s work? Big day?
You Again AND DON’T YOU REALIZE YOU ARE TALKING TO YOURSELF?!: Random but my friend Joan and her boyfriend wanna do something this weekend. This super cool underground karaoke place. Zero pressure lol it’s not like it’s another wedding!
You Again AND NOW YOU’RE DRUNK AT NIGHT: asakjn the squirrel heart spaear botanical hmmm baby dance askjdakj hiiiii
You, the day after: someone might have had a wee too much to drink last night. howru
You, sober and stubborn: Okay you were right. Raising Arizona is art. And I might have an investor for your film, this guy who asked me out a couple nights ago…I mean I could go out with him and bring you and kill all the birds with one stone…
It makes me cringe, Vail. I know what you did there.
You tried to be the Caring Girl, asking about his dead vet brother.
You tried to be the Fun Girl. None of it worked, so you set a jealousy trap as if Dick wouldn’t see that coming a mile away.
You think you’re clever, but you can’t put the zookeeper in the zoo.
Did you ever read a Russian fucking novel?
Didn’t you at least read some Dickens in high school? You can’t nail a Dick with a dowry.
There’s a break, as if you had temporary sanity. And then you lost it.
You: So I think I have to move back home. Long story and I’m okay but I got mugged and just…No thanks New York. Anyway maybe I’ll see you before I go. Already told my roommate so if you know anyone looking I should help her find someone.
Classic. You’re playing the victim, the princess in the castle, the girl tied to the railroad tracks. Don’t you understand that Dick is not me? He is not Mario! I am Mario.
Dick: In Canada on location. You can’t leave New York, darling. You got mugged. You’re a New Yorker haha see you in like five or six days when I get outta this fuckin tundra.
You: OMG CANADA I AM SO SO STUPID AND DUMB. You TOTALLY told me about Canada and oh my brain…Stay warm I’ll keep New York toasty for you
At long last, there is a fuckin’ plot twist. Four days later, Dick is the instigator.
Dick: Vail
You: What? What do you even want?
Dick: Vail
You: ?
Dick: I didn’t lie to you. I was in Canada. I was gonna call.
Ah, so you bumped into the lying horndog. This should be the end. It should matter that he lied to you. And I like you like this. Disgusted. Terse. How you are with me when I mess up.
You: Right. Sure. Whatever you say Dick.
Dick: We wrapped early and it was a mad fuckin rush to get back to town. And yeah I’m a piece of shit. Shoulda called yada yada. What can I say? I suck. You can delete my digits
I’m guessing that didn’t happen. I read between the lines, between the days that passed and it’s pretty clear that you called him. A lot.
You: I’m sorry I’m calling so much…I just miss you and I know you want things to be chill and all that and I do too honestly lol but I really do need my scarf.
My Portnoy twitches. It’s stupid. I wanted to be the first guy who held on to your scarf.
Dick: Been busy. Got fucked over on that Canada job. I’m a piece of shit. Can’t talk now.
You: No you’re amazing, Dick. You are a great line producer and the idiots on that film are the pieces of shit. You do everything and you deserve more.
Dick: Ha. Sure. At least I’m not a total fuck up. I do have your scarf.
You: I’m on my way
Dick: Haha it’s at the Beanery so you can pick it up whenever.
I need a break. I am sick for you, Vail. You won’t be stopped. You are a train and you rolled off the tracks, but you’re the one who’s gonna get run over. A few days later.
You: Look, Dick fuck it. No more games. I like you.
I want to see you. Like see you see you.
It’s not just ’cause of the wedding or that you know all the words to I Want it That Way and love Sex & the City.
I want to go out with you. And if you don’t want to go out with me, you need to say it because here I am… And I am hitting send. Send.
For twenty-six hours, you probably sat there welded to your laptop. And then he threw you a bone.
Dick: Do you like Indian food?
I need a TUMS and a barf bag and was anything between us our first?
Is there one fucking cherry that I popped?
India wasn’t spontaneous. It was a code word between you and him, yet I believed you when you said it was all random.
Something happened for the two of you in India.
Or you read some article in Cosmo or got a lecture from one of the Sex writers.
Anyway, you put up a wall, blew him off after the trip to India on Eighth Street.
You: Hey sorry I missed your calls. That Indian place was sooo good and thank you for spoiling me! And the travel bug is a thing. Totally. And yeah we should go to Costa Rica. It’s insane but let’s be insane lol I deserve some insanity cuz this job is killing meeee
Dick: Ha I feel ya brb
Oh dear, oh, Vail, don’t you get it? He is laughing at you, still.
You: I could do November or December or January. And I shouldn’t say this but like…everything I want to do in CR is couple stuff. Not that we’re a couple, but I really wanna go
Dick: I’m so fuckin broke
You: So would November work? Gives you time to save
Dick: Hang on fuckin Schlitz is hitting me up
He leaves you hanging, and this book is bad. Monotonous and depressing. I skim the next few chats. You push him about Costa Rica and karaoke and he does not Seduce. He Destroys.
And then, after all his nos, you get a yes. He agrees to be your plus fucking one at the VMAs. You made it sound like you were with friends, and no wonder you rewrote your fucking history. It appears that our enemy Dick went home with someone else.
You: Just so you know, I’m not mad. I feel sorry for you, Dick.
Delete my number. Go away. I really do hope you grow up and learn that women are people too.
I wasn’t trying to “lock you down.” I wanted to dance with you and during Slave 4 U…
It’s a song, dick. I meant I loved the song. Not fucking you.
He respects the boundary but we all know what happened a few days later, the day the towers fell, the day Dick rose to the occasion.
Dick: I tried calling and I’m coming over to see that you’re okay are you okay?
You: Come over please I am losing it
Dick: On my way
My veins can’t hold my blood. They’re not wide enough, not strong enough.
When New York got hit, I was in Mooney’s cage.
Oblivious. Meanwhile, Dick was plowing through the dust, the human particles.
Warring his way through the closed-off streets of the city, using the tragedy to get to you, to own you.
You held on to him, and he held on to you.
You told me you were lonely on the sofa with Cynthia and some guy and that’s a lie.
Dick was your person. You went through that together, the haze of not knowing where the world went now.
You thought Sex and the City would never shoot again.
He thought about joining the marines, like his brother.
(Oh, please.) You became obsessed with Giuliani and Letterman.
You had Dick by the balls, and he played your hero, supporting you through an anthrax freak-out, a bomb scare by your apartment.
The two of you walked on eggshells together and I have to face facts.
You might never stop loving him. If some girl rescued me while I was in the cage…
Alas, Dick is Dick. I gulp and I swallow.
My character is about to show up. It’s December, right after your first trip to Mooney Books, you head home to Beverly Hills to be with your family for Christmas.
Dick stays in New York and after one too many nights at Passerby, he brings a girl home. And not just any girl. A teenager.
Dick: I’m sorry I am I have PTSD from losing my brother and it was just one girl
You: You’re lucky I don’t call the cops.
Dick: She wasn’t THAT young
You: I trusted you.
Dick: The girl’s dad was in Tower One so yeah
You: Right. Sure. That doesn’t sound at ALL fabricated or made up or whatever.
Dick: Sorry I’m human sorry I’m not a hero all you talk about is cops and firemen and fuckin Rudy Giuliani and David Fuckin Letterman sorry I make coffee not movies and I probably never will make movies.
Never gonna get out of the coffee shop. Never gonna make a film.
Sorry I’m not my dead hero brother and I’m gonna move back to Chicago or some shit.
Fuckin serves me right treating you the way I did but I hope you get everything you want kid. You deserve so much better you do
I love you for ignoring that message. You really did ice him out. You slammed the freezer door and didn’t look back. He keeps trying to talk to you. You ignore him, and I like this part of the book. I won’t get ahead of myself, but it’s starting to feel good, Vail, like you—
Fuck.
You: Okay I can’t not tell you about my life lolol
Dick: Look who’s back hi sexy whats up
You: I know! Sorry I was just busy. But omg so a few weeks ago I go into this bookstore to pee.
Dick: I’m hooked
You: And this high school boy like practically comes in his pants
Dick: Ha
You: And then he puts a Missed Connection on Craigslist I mean he’s like OBSESSED with me.
No. THAT. WAS. YOU. You put the Missed Connection on Craigslist. You threw the bottle into the ocean and you were obsessed with me.
Dick: Creepy
You: Right?! And I’m no better cuz the girls at work read it and I…I might have gone to the movies with him yesterday. NO JUDGMENT.
Dick: Oh shit. You locked up in a basement right now?
You: Not yet. But if I am, I know who to call