3. Natalie
Natalie
Idon’t know where I’m going or if I made the right choice in leaving. Nothing in life is easy, but I’d wager leaving the man you love is the hardest choice anyone can make.
We had a good life together, me and Luke. He has a well-established job, he’s known and liked in the community, his family is one of the wealthiest in town, and of course he’s the most handsome man I’ve ever laid eyes on. Why would I be throwing that all away for a dream of being a mother?
I can’t quite say why. It’s difficult to describe the love you can feel so absolutely for a child you’ve never even met. A child that doesn’t even exist yet.
And somehow, in the most obscure shadows of my mind, I can understand the reasoning Luke has to not want kids.
His family is a tight-knit group, much like mine is—was, before I messed that up.
So it isn’t that he doesn’t like kids or that we wouldn’t have the means to raise one.
We have more than plenty, and then some.
No, what Luke feels toward children isn’t a dislike. I ruminate on this as I hit my blinker and turn right onto the highway going north. Palm trees flash past me, and I have to squint against the setting sun as it shines across my face.
Luke doesn’t want kids because he thinks this world isn’t good for them. He’s right, of course. No world is good enough for a newborn baby. Sickness abounds and bad things happen. People aren’t all good and life is dangerous.
But I would keep my baby safe. We would, together.
If only he believed that love is better the more it grows.
I’m tired of living in fear of the world.
I don’t want to be stuck in that giant house, surrounded by expensive suits and high-end designer heels, alone and wondering how my life could have been different with a child on my hip.
I want that. I want a place—a child—to bury all that love into as I watch him or her grow tall like a weed, budding like a beautiful flower the more I water it with all the love I have to give.
My phone rings over the car speakers, and I check the caller ID. My heart pounds, thinking it might be Luke, but then slows to a steady rhythm when I see the photo of Emma lit up behind her name.
Emma is my best friend. I met her soon after moving to Florida with Luke and, ever since she had a baby two years ago, I’ve been helping her with childcare while she works.
I have little Ceecee at my house most days from eight in the morning to whenever Emma gets off her shift at the hair salon in the afternoon.
I don’t need the extra money. Luke’s rental company makes money out the wazoo, and I’m succeeding as the owner and only photographer of NataLily Studios, but my best friend insists on paying me to watch her precious baby.
In order to placate us both, she pays me in ice cream sandwiches and she poses as my model when I need someone to photograph.
She has the most gorgeous raven-black hair and a beautiful smile, making her the perfect subject for a photographer like myself.
When anyone clicks on my social media page, she’s the first thing they see, all big blue eyes and long legs.
I answer timidly, hitting the icon on the vehicle’s large built-in screen. “Hi, Emma.”
She doesn’t know I’m leaving, and I feel awful knowing I’m totally screwing her over when it comes to babysitting.
“Where are you?” she asks. “I got a text from Luke saying you were maybe going out of town, but the message was vague. He sounded upset … through text. What’s going on?”
I roll my head and stretch out my neck, hitting seventy on the interstate. “I … Yeah. I left.”
“For how long?”
“You know, I’m not really sure … Maybe forever? I took an overly stuffed suitcase if that gives you more of an idea.”
She gasps. “You what? Like, you left left? You left Luke?”
My eyes heat again as I shake my head clear of the emotions. I’m tired of crying. Now I just feel frustrated. “I don’t know what I did. I just knew I had to get out of there before this became my life forever. You know he doesn’t want the same life I do. He told me to go.”
“Look,” she says, her voice calm like she’s trying to sooth a caged bird. “I know you really want a family and Luke doesn’t. And I don’t know his reasons for it, but I don’t think leaving is the best choice. You can’t just run from a perfectly good marriage, Nat.”
She’s right, of course. I’m leaving a perfectly good, perfectly loving marriage, and for what? Because I’m not getting what I want? Am I throwing a fit and acting like a spoiled child right now?
“No,” I say, “it isn’t perfectly good. He’s being selfish.
We’ve talked about kids again and again, and every time we do, the conversation ends in me crying and him telling me how much he loves me.
There’s something wrong there. He knows I can’t let it go.
That I want—no, that I need—to be a mother.
We’re just going around in this circle over and over again, and I’m tired of it.
I just … need a break. I need to get away from here and, I don’t know, maybe go back to my parents. ”
“Your parents?” Silence stretches. Either she doesn’t know what to say about my marital issues or she has too much to say and is forcing herself to keep her two cents to herself. “To Pennsylvania?”
“Yeah.” I shrug. “Maybe.” Looking at the large green signs as I drive by, I notice I’m definitely heading north on Interstate 95. “That’s what the signs say.”
Why did my subconscious take me in this direction? Am I really going back to Maple Lake after all these years?
I doubt anyone will want me there; I’m a runaway. When I was eighteen, I fell in love with a boy, and just weeks later I ran away from home, leaving only a note that said I was leaving to find my own happiness.
And, oh, how happy I was to be following Luke away from the little town of Maple Lake where I grew up.
Before Luke and his parents vacationed there, before I met him, I believed I’d live in Maple Lake forever.
I never saw a way out until he talked to me at that bait shop.
I knew that my life was forever changed when he paid for my ice cream bar.
My mind swells with memories and emotions like colliding winds in a tornado, and Emma’s voice pulls me back.
“Nat,” Emma continues, “I know you want to have kids. I know that it’s your greatest desire, and I’m sure it’s extremely difficult having a husband who doesn’t want the same thing.
But I want to encourage you to think through all of your options.
Maybe there’s some sort of … compromise you two can come up with.
I know I’m not the best person to talk to about this since I don’t have a husband, but—” She pauses.
“Running away from Luke won’t change the problem.
Unfortunately, I think it will only make things harder …
For both of you.” Her voice is soft and kind. “And I know how much you love him.”
Emma is a single mom who never had a chance to experience life with a loving husband. Her boyfriend left her when she confirmed she was pregnant, and she’s been a working mom since the end of her maternity leave.
When I don’t answer, she probes, “Will you go back to him?”
It’s the burning question in the back of my mind that I don’t honestly have an answer to right now. On one hand, I could be leaving for just a short time to work out my struggles, and then maybe I could reconcile with him and come back.
On the other hand, maybe I’ll end up wanting to adopt on my own, or maybe I’ll meet someone else who also wants to have kids. I’d never considered divorce until now.
My brain gets foggy with memories of Luke, the way he held me, comforted me, and warmed me from head to toe by just a simple brush of his skin against mine. How could I ever feel that way about someone else? Do I even want to try?
The answer is no. And yet, it’s not enough to make me turn the car around.
“Maybe one day I will go back,” I say to Emma. “But not today. Today I need to get out of here. I’m sorry I won’t be there for you and Ceecee. I feel terrible about that.”
“It’s alright,” she says, but there’s deep sadness in her voice. “I’ll figure it out. My mom is always asking to babysit more. We’ll just really miss you. All of us.” I know she’s including Luke in that statement.
Luke, Emma, Ceecee, and I are like a family.
When I moved to Florida for him, Luke introduced me to a few of his friends.
I didn’t really connect with any of them.
But then there was Emma. She felt like a sister to me from the moment we met.
Luke didn’t even really know her—she was a girlfriend of one of his buddies—but she and I hit it off instantly, and soon we were all hanging out.
Now she’s like our sister, and it makes sense that Luke would call her with the news of my leaving.
She also reminds me a lot of my own sister, Juliet. It’s been nine years since I’ve spoken to Jules, and just about every day since I left home I’ve drowned in the reality that I may have destroyed a perfectly good relationship with her, too, that I may never get back.
But where else would I go now? Maple Lake is the only other place where people who love me are waiting … Or at least it used to be. My family might hate me for what I put them through. Leaving without telling anyone where I was going or why I really left? That’s unforgivable.
I’ve already made the choice to plant myself somewhere in the realm between Maple Lake and Fort Lauderdale, and I’ve decided to leave this life behind.
Who knows? Maybe I’ll come back, just like I’m making my way back to Pennsylvania after all this time.
But for now, this is one decision I feel like I can make, so I’m going to see it through.
“Keep me updated with everything going on here, will you?” I ask, hoping I can keep ties with Emma. I’d hate to lose her friendship over this.