8. Luke #2
It feels too soon for that. Washing her mug makes me think I’d be washing away her memory. Like an official stamp on our marriage that says she won’t be coming back.
Emma opens the pantry and pulls out a box of crackers, as comfortable in my home as she is in her own.
She gives some to Ceecee. “I think Natalie was okay with the arrangement when you got married,” she says.
“But things change over time. She wants to experience a family of her own. You can’t really blame her for that. ”
I give her a look that says But did she really have to run away?
Her hands go up in surrender. “I’m not saying she handled it the right way. I definitely don’t think that. I’m just saying maybe you could try to see where she’s coming from. Ask yourself what she needs right now. She’s not doing well.”
“Did she say that?” I ask, frowning. I don’t want Natalie to be in a bad place mentally. I’m the only one who really knows what she’s been through with her nightmares and anxiety attacks. Emma knows a little, but not how bad it gets.
Emma’s black hair sways as she shakes her head. “No. She said she’s fine, but I can tell in her voice she’s not. You know what I mean?”
I nod, knowing all too well how Natalie masks her true feelings from everyone else.
This is all my fault. If I had listened to her sooner about what she really wanted, then we probably wouldn’t be in this mess.
I should have talked through it all with her, told her what was really going on in my head.
Maybe I—we—would be in therapy right now.
I would be making strides to curb my fears around pregnancy, childbirth, and all the ripple effects those things have on the people involved.
If I were working through what happened to my mom and dealing with the way it shaped me, things would be different.
Maybe I wouldn’t be so scared to give Nat what she really wants if I knew how to handle my own emotions around it.
I look at Emma. How does she do it? Be a single mom without a man to help carry the load? Without a partner to help shoulder the fears and the responsibilities of raising a child?
Natalie isn’t alone; she has me. And I need to show her that.
“I have to go after her,” I say, already thinking of how I’ll jump on the next flight to Pennsylvania.
“What? Really?” Emma’s face bursts into a huge smile.
“Really. She’s my wife. I need to be with her.”
“Do you even know where she’ll be?”
“She told me she’s going back to Maple Lake.” I look up at her, and she’s statue still.
“Wait,” she says slowly. “Did you finally call her?” A smile creeps across her lips.
I nod slowly.
“I thought you didn’t want to call because you wanted her to make her own choices.” She watches me, her blue eyes glistening with expectation.
“I had to.” I straighten my cell phone so it lines up with the edge of the counter. “I had to know she was okay. It’s harder than I thought to let someone you love go, even if it’s what they want. I tried to respect her boundaries, but … I failed.”
“I think calling her was the right choice,” Emma says.
I meet her eyes and she smiles at me, like a sister who’s proud of her little brother.
Even though I’m older, she’s always acted like she’s the eldest of the siblings I don’t actually have.
With me being an only child and Natalie leaving her siblings behind, Emma fit into our lives better than any of us expected.
“So,” she says, handing Ceecee another cracker.
“Besides Maple Lake as a general area, you don’t know exactly where she’s going to be when you get there, right?
Unless you two are sharing your location, which obviously you are.
Duh. Should have thought of that.” She rolls her eyes, but I just stare at her, biting the inside of my cheek in silence.
She drops her hand to her side, her eyebrows rising. “Did she end location sharing with you?”
I nod and my shoulders sag. There’s another beat of silence between us before I pick up momentum, a steam train forging ahead at full speed. “You know what?” I shake my head. “It doesn’t matter. I’ll ask around town. Someone’s going to know where she is.” I turn for the stairs.
“Or”—I swivel toward Emma’s voice as she pulls out her phone—“I could track her on my phone and send you her exact location when you land.”
“She shares her location with you?” If I were looking in a mirror, I’m sure I’d see my eyes widen and get ten shades brighter.
“All best friends share their locations with each other,” she says like I should already know this.
“This is perfect, Emma. I have to check the next flight to Pennsylvania.” I grab my phone from the counter.
Emma hands another cracker to Ceecee and waves me away with her other hand. “I’ll check the flights. You go pack a bag.”
I smile at her. “You’re the best.”
“I know.” She grins. “But, hey.”
I turn back to her from the stairs.
“Showing up in her hometown might not make her change her mind. She might not come back.”
“I know,” I say, accepting this.
“She wants a baby, Luke. Coming back to the same house’’—she looks around—“the same marriage, where nothing’s changed … you’ll just be bringing her back to be hurt again.”
I pause, pushing my hand through my damp hair, slick from sweat.
A few years ago, Natalie came home from a therapy session and told me about this idea her therapist explained to her.
She called it “rupture before repair.” Basically, the idea is that sometimes things need to blow up before they can blow over.
Conflicts occasionally are so compact that we need to reach the absolute worst part of it before we can find resolution.
And this? This is the absolute worst pitfall our marriage has ever faced.
Marriage isn’t easy by any stretch of the imagination—it’s two people coming from different backgrounds and trying to create a life together.
It’s two partners wanting the best for each other and striving to be the best they can be for the other person.
But have I done that? No, I haven’t. I haven’t considered what’s best for her, and my selfishness has torn us apart.
Even though I’ve never told Natalie about my mom’s struggles that affected me when I was a kid, I want to open up to her now. She needs to know the whole truth, no matter how painful it is for me to dig up the past. Our relationship is rupturing, and it’s my duty to repair what I’ve broken.
I can’t lose Natalie. I just … can’t.
“I won’t hurt her,” I say. “I’ll make it better. I’ll make everything better.”