26. Natalie
Natalie
Friday night rolls around, and I’m surrounded by my family as we lounge around a firepit in the backyard of the cabin.
Mom and Dad roast marshmallows on sticks over the fire for the boys while Cam adds a log to the flames from an enormous pile covered by a tarp nearby.
Archie’s sitting in my lap. He’s finally taken a liking to me, although he still doesn’t say much at all.
Beside me, Levi is telling Luke about fishing with his dad last week.
“And then,” he says, stretching his arms out wide, “there was a giant sea serpent, and Dad had to wrestle it out of the water. It was crazy.” His eyes are about to bulge out of his head, and the smile on his face showcases two gaps where he’s missing teeth. He’s lost a few since I arrived.
I gave Cam a dollar to hide under his pillow, which Levi happily told me all about in the morning. With the dollar from his parents, he was ecstatic to have two whole dollars—his words exactly. It made my day to see his eyes so bright and happy.
“Dude, that’s something,” says Luke, sipping from a silver beer can. Levi’s practically in his face, standing so close to his lawn chair that Luke has to turn his head away just to tip the can back. I smile behind Archie’s wavy brown hair.
“It wasn’t a sea serpent,” Cam corrects. He tugs at Levi’s arm, pulling him a few steps back from Luke to assist with his personal-boundary crisis. “It was just a northern water snake.”
“A water snake, huh?” Luke’s eyes are wide, playing into Levi’s story—even if half of it is made up. “Was it poisonous?” he asks, leaning conspiratorially toward the little boy. Levi’s green eyes light up again in the firelight. His short hair sticks out in every direction.
“Probably.” He shrugs. “All water snakes are poisonous, duh.”
“Be respectful,” Cam reminds him.
“Sorry,” says Levi, his smile never fading.
Cam laughs. “And that’s not true anyway; not all water snakes are poisonous. And this one wasn’t either. They’re harmless. They might bite if they feel threatened, but I’ve never had that happen with a northern water snake.”
Archie straightens in my lap, leaning over the armrest of my camp chair, deciding to involve himself in the story. I rush to grab him so he doesn’t topple off. “They look like cottons, though. Right, Daddy? Those are really poh-zun-us?” The way he says poisonous melts my heart.
Cam leans back in his camp chair. “You’re thinking of cottonmouths. And yes, those are very poisonous. They look similar to the snake we saw, but cottonmouths don’t live in Pennsylvania. So we should be safe.”
Archie turns to me, a wide grin on his face.
“Good job,” I say, hugging him. “You really know a lot about snakes.”
“Yeah.” He rests against me, laying his head on my chest. “Snakes are my favorite.”
“Oh.” I look around at the family. “Maybe your parents will let you have one as a pet someday.”
Mom and Dad chuckle while Jules quietly shakes her head at me. I giggle.
Archie gasps. “Really? A pet snake?”
I shrug. “I don’t know. You’ll have to ask them.” I lean down to whisper by his ear. “But maybe when you’re older. Pets are a lot of work. Especially for four-year-olds.”
“I bet I could do it.” He lifts his chin and stares up at me.
“I bet you could.” My arms around him tighten a little as his tiny hands rest on my bare arms.
“Do you like snakes?” he asks.
“Um, not really,” I say. “They kind of scare me because they’re fast and ssssneaky.” I tickle his side, and he giggles.
I catch sight of Juliet watching us, the hint of a smile on her face. But when she sees me looking at her, she turns her face away, staring straight at the orange flames as they jump in the pit.
The plummet from my auntie-high to the my-sister-hates-me low is a free fall that has my stomach in knots. I turn my eyes to the fire, too.
The sun set long ago, and crickets sing in the woods around us. Trees overhead cast shadows along the ground, and I look up at the bright white moon. It’s almost full. Fireflies blink in the woods behind the flames, like little stars here on Earth.
“Tomorrow, Nat and I are going horseback riding,” Luke announces. “Anyone want to come?” He lifts his beer can toward Dad. “Kent? Shirley? Up for a trail ride?”
Mom laughs as she captures a toasted marshmallow between two chocolate graham crackers. “No, no, we’re too old for that sort of thing.”
“No, you’re not, Mom,” I say. She hands the s’more to Levi, who takes it with wide eyes. “I looked into it. You don’t even have to know how to ride. The horses just follow the trail leader at the front of the line, and you don’t have to do anything. They sort of … meander more than anything else.”
She shakes her head and sits in her lawn chair on the other side of the fire from me. “That sounds pretty easy I suppose, but I have to be careful since I had my surgery.”
Mom had surgery?
“What surgery?” I ask. I swing my gaze to Dad and then back to Mom for answers.
She waves away my concern. “It was nothing big, and it was so long ago. I fractured my ankle once, and it needed surgery. But it’s fine now.”
The guilt hits me again like a tidal wave.
I missed so much, and there are new things I’m finding out every day.
Hardships my family had to face without me, while I was obliviously living my own life in Florida.
I feel sick as my mind conjures an image of me tanning on the beach while my mom was in a hospital having surgery.
I clench my fists and shake my head. “Mom, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
She scans my face for a few seconds but waves her hand again.
“It’s fine. It was three years ago, and I’m totally healed now.
I just try to be careful with that foot.
It feels a little weaker than the other one, but I have exercises I do to keep it mobile.
But getting on a horse? No, no.” She laughs.
“That’s an activity for you young people. You two have fun tomorrow.”
I want to tell her I’m sorry for missing so much of her life—so much of everyone’s lives. But words don’t feel like enough. All I can do is be here now. And one day when I’m not crippled by my anxiety, maybe I’ll tell them how much I struggled being away from them too.
Would Mom think I deserve the nightmares? Would she say I wouldn’t be so anxious if I had stayed in Maple Lake with them?
Mom doesn’t say more on the matter of her foot. Dad hands a s’more to Archie, who takes it greedily in his hands and stuffs it into his mouth, filling his cheeks with a giant bite. When I turn to Luke, he has a reassuring smile for me.
“So”—Dad sits down, finished with s’more duty—“how’s the photography been coming along? I understand Jules has sent a lot of business your way between her friends.”
My eyes bounce to Juliet, but her eyes remain on Levi. “It’s going really well,” I say. “I had a couple shoots this past week, and there are some more planned for the next few weeks.”
“Are you taking family photos? Graduation pictures? What’s the most common?” Dad asks.
Archie hops off my lap and walks toward his dad with sticky fingers.
I watch him go. “Mostly family photos since I’ve been here.”
“Back in Florida, are your sessions usually of families?” Dad adjusts his glasses on the bridge of his nose.
“I do family photos in Fort Lauderdale too, but I mostly do one-on-one shoots with individuals. It’s more niche.” Jules is watching me now, but she’s been quiet. “I’m a social media photographer,” I add.
“What’s that exactly?” asks Cam, maneuvering Archie onto his lap.
“People who have a large social media following, like those who make money through their content, usually want high-quality photos for their posts,” I explain.
“I get hired for all kinds of stuff. First, we discuss what kind of content they share on their account and what they want the photos to look like. Then we plan out a session that showcases their niche.”
Juliet’s voice carries through the crackling of the flames. “What kind of content creators do you photograph?”
I’m surprised that she’s engaging with me, and a smile tugs at my lips.
“All kinds. I’ve photographed models, a skateboarder on a half-pipe, artists in their workshops, lesser-known pop stars during a concert.
And I do the typical engagement photos, too, because everyone wants to share those on social media, even if they don’t have a large following. ”
Jules gives a tight-lipped smile. “Sounds busy.”
“It is, but I enjoy it. I love it, actually.”
“And she’s great at it,” Luke announces, always my cheerleader. “She’s one of the most sought-after photographers in the Miami area.”
Everyone’s eyes swing to me.
“Really?” Dad grins widely at me, his glasses reflecting the light of the fire. “That’s wonderful. We’re so proud of you, sweetheart.”
Mom nods. “So, so proud. It seems you’ve been doing well for yourself. We should have never worried.”
Jules stands abruptly. “It’s getting late. The kids need to get to bed.” She smiles at Luke as she passes. “Thanks for having us all over. Mom and Dad, you ready to go too?”
They all drove here together in Juliet’s SUV. Dad stands, stretching his arms as he does, and Mom yawns.
“We’re ready when you are,” says Dad.
I look around at my family as they disperse, cleaning up the beer cans and folding the lawn chairs.
Jules and Mom grab what remains of the s’mores items, and the men carry the chairs up to the back porch.
The cabin has a wraparound deck, which has been an absolute dream for drinking coffee outside in the mornings, but right now all I can think about is how empty I feel that they’re leaving.
When everything’s put away, we all walk around the deck to the front of the house. A flood light on the side of the cabin turns on, illuminating our path.
“Alright, boys, into the car.” Juliet stands by the car, guiding Levi and Archie up into their seats. “Get yourselves buckled in.”
I stand by her as everyone else says their goodbyes. “You’re welcome to come riding with me and Luke tomorrow … if you want,” I say, hoping she’ll say yes. I hate the tension that lingers between us.
“Sorry, I can’t. Levi has a soccer game, and then Archie has a swim lesson.” She pauses, watching the boys buckle the belts on their car seat and booster. “But, maybe you want to go hiking with me next week? There’s a spot I love but haven’t been to in a while, and it has a great view.”
“Really?” I try not to let the surprise show, but inside I’m elated. “Uh, yeah. I’ll come.”
“Bring your camera.”
I fight a smile. If I’m too overbearing, she might change her mind.
Play it cool. Be nonchalant.
“Sounds good,” I say. “Just text me when and where.”