35. Lucy
I thoughtthat that was going to be a lot more difficult for me. Not only to have seen my mother for the first time in years but to finally close that door on our relationship for good. Fittingly, I’ve never felt more free and have shed very little tears since seeing her a week ago.
Kai sprinted around the cottage in a pantsuit, looking the polar opposite of their usual bootcut jeans and rolled-up sleeve tee shirts. No one was safe from their consistent bossiness all morning.
“Jet, can you please not track your muddy boots in here?” Kai rolled their eyes. Jet grumbled.
I walked over to Cherry and Mel. “What’s with Kai fixating all of their stress on Jet today?” I whispered between the three of us.
From the moment everyone showed up to help today, the two of them have been neck in neck with one another. I couldn’t tell if it was from the expected stress of the day, if Jet was pushing buttons just for the hell of it, or what… but it was killing the mood. I was supposed to be pumped and hyped up. This was a big-girl type of day, the cottage is up for sale, and I needed everyone to act their age.
“Because Jet probably deserves it,” Cherry pursed her lips.
“It’s nothing. They tried to date last year and it got too complicated, so there’s always been this awkwardness about them. You get used to it. Sometimes it’s funny to see how long Jet will put up with it before he bites back,” Mel explains.
The three of us laughed, then dispersed to our stations and responsibilities delegated by none other than Kai. I stopped in the hallway at Tiffany’s unfinished painting. This painting belonged in the house even if I felt like I didn’t any longer.
I felt a soft graze to my lower back with a hard growl to accompany it. “Hello, my Pretty Girl.”
“I am yours, aren’t I?”
I’m getting ready to say goodbye to a very big part of my life just to enter another different part of life. And I get to do it with a group of amazing people. I thought I’d be sad today, I suppose there is a dose of ache in my heart, but I’m also happy. I’m so fucking happy.
He spun me around and picked me up, my legs molding around his body.
“You can if you want to be?” he said as he slowly released me.
I looked around to make sure no one was around before I threw my arms around his neck to kiss him. It wasn’t that I didn’t want people to know about us, I just wanted it to remain “ours” for a little while longer.
“Alright, everybody!” Kai yelled out from the living room. We huddled around them. “I’ve never been able to get a sale on the same day of an open house, so please… be on your best behavior, and let’s sell Lucy’s cottage!” Kai walked over to the front door and opened it up, welcoming in the few people already waiting outside for the viewing.
Their words stung me more than I would have expected.
Selling the cottage has always been the plan. But now this seemed like yet another plan of mine with lines that are blurring.
“I have fresh cookies!” was sung from the front door. Standing at the threshold was Leanne and Gus with a tray of chocolate chip cookies, the smell filled the house immediately.
As they were finishing up shaking hands and hugging some of the staff from Bird’s Nest, I was already skipping down the hallway to meet them.
“Well, we can’t have an open house without fresh cookies! They look delicious,” I said.
“Yeah they do,” Mel says as she hikes up the front steps behind them. She reaches for one, but they slap her hand away with a laugh. “Ow,” she winced, dramatically shaking her hand.
“We left some for you back at the house, these are for prospective buyers,” Gus let out a playful snarl, then kissed her on the cheek.
Mel squeezed by us with a couple of people trailing behind. Leanne followed after holding the tray of cookies but cut off into the kitchen.
Gus and I stepped off to the side as more people filtered in and out. We found our footing in a corner of the living room where a chaise lounge used to live. My mind burned with the memory of when I had fallen asleep on it on one of our game nights. That is until I woke to a roaring laugh from Gus.
Tiffany, Leanne, and Gus had put reruns of Freaks and Geeks on the TV after a grueling game of Yahtzee and they couldn’t stop comparing their high school years to what was portrayed on the screen. I had dozed off—sometimes being the only kid around wasn’t all it was cracked up to be when I had no clue what they were talking about.
“How are you doing, kiddo?”
I wish I could give him a straight answer.
What if I give the wrong response? I’ll say I’m fine, but what if I’m not? Maybe I’ll tell him I’m a mess, but I’m just trapped inside of my head. He’d know, either way, the truth.
I didn’t know how to feel right now and I wish that someone could tell me. I needed Gus to tell me what to do, Sawyer, Leanne—I needed Tiffany. She always knew exactly what to say.
For the better part of the morning, I gnawed at my fingernails while people strolled through the rooms. They talked about how they liked the flooring or hated the wall colors and couldn’t wait to change it once it was theirs. I had to hear it being talked about as if it was no longer mine.
“Excuse me,” I said with a crack in my voice.
You will always do what you think is best, bud.
Gus’ words from earlier in the summer rang through my ears. Man, what a lifetime ago that was. What if I don’t know what’s best? What if there was no one way to go about this?
Thankfully, everyone had migrated into the kitchen where the desserts stole the show so I could be in the backyard alone. I sat in Tuck’s chair, faced Tiffany’s, and thought about everything I wished I could say to her.
“I’m sorry if this isn’t what you would have wanted,” I started while biting back tears. The ripples of the creek off to the side are grounding. “I’ve always wanted to do right by you. I wish I’d spent more time over the last eight years talking to you. I still have your number in my phone, I should have called to talk to you on the phone. You wouldn’t answer, but I know you’d be there, you’d listen. I should have never stopped sharing my feelings with you just because you decided to dance with the stars. Missing you comes in waves, but I need my grandma all the same. That will never change.”
Then I realized I wasn’t just asking for guidance on what to do today. This was a talk I needed to have with her, as someone who depended on the constant force of security and comfort she always brought to my life. After she passed, the only consistency I knew of was knowing she wouldn’t come back home and finish her painting, make me another cup of coffee, play her favorite vinyl, or knit me a new scarf. After she passed, any guidance I had in life was purely instinctual.
And this summer has taught me just how scrambled everything has gotten. My mind turned to mush and I’ve grown the most uncertain about what I’m getting out of life than I ever have before.
“I hope you turned a blind eye when I was out of contact with Gus and Leanne. I feel terrible about that. I saw you in her eyes and felt you in his hugs. It became too hard. But they’ve been my rock this summer. Then, of course, there’s Sawyer. I’m sure you’ve seen him around the lake on your morning visits. Please tell me you still visit the lake even now. I don’t even have to tell you about Sawyer, though. I know that you know.”
I closed my eyes as the knot inside my stomach untied itself a little looser.
“And those letters. I want you to know that I’m not mad.”
I barely got the last word out before I was clutching my chest. A hummingbird fluttered right in front of me. Inches away from the porch, it hovered at eye level.
I shot up from my seat and rushed to the door. I had to tug at it, it wouldn’t budge. I tell myself I’ll sand it down, that I’ll replace the door in its entirety, but I know that I won’t.
I swung it open and shouted down the hall, “I can’t do this.” Everyone shot their attention my way. They gripped their bottled waters and flyers, startled by my announcement.
These people, these extremely nice people that mean well, were walking the floors that I learned to walk on and in the kitchen where I baked pies with Tiffany and Leanne. They were making plans to make my home their home.
But the truth of the matter is the fourth cottage on the left will always be my home. All I’ve ever needed out of life could be found right here living along Hummingbird Lake.
“The house is no longer on the market, I apologize for any inconvenience this creates. I hope you all have a wonderful rest of your day.”
I found Kai in the crowd, their mouth agape. Their cheeks were flushed. I felt terrible. I am not only making a fool out of myself, but I am connecting their name to this disaster.
I’m sorry, I mouthed in their direction before turning back on my heels. The most cathartic sob broke free from my chest, one I’ve been holding in since I returned in June, and I headed straight into the hillside.