5. Chapter 5
five
O h no…
When she’d stopped in Libby on the drive to Northgold, Annie had stuffed her phone in her purse. It wasn’t until she walked into the cabin that she realized Chris had blown it up with texts, missed calls, and voicemails. Dread jarred her from the fog of her exhaustion. Her jaw tightened.
A stream of more texts followed:
Please text me so I know ur alive babe! (sent at 10:45 am)
U didnt pick up. Need to talk. ( sent at 11:32 am)
Another hour had elapsed before he'd attempted to get her attention again. His next messages made it clear he’d completely lost his chill.
Why the fk havent you been home?? where are u Annie? Call me!!! (sent at 12:15 pm)
I called Molly to make sure you weren’t fking dead youre out of town??!! You couldn't bother to tell me? Where are you?? Call me!!! I’m worried (sent at 12:39 pm)
Took you long enough , she thought, rolling her eyes. She rubbed her forehead. Guilt tightened her chest and, wiping away angry tears, she sat down heavily on the old 90s patterned couch in the family room. The springs twanged.
I really should have told him I was leaving…
Chris did have a special place in her heart… somewhere… They’d met at a college party that Molly had forced her to go to. “You need to get out of your comfort zone,” Molly insisted.
Chris had accidentally spilled red punch all over Annie’s dress, and he'd wanted to make it up to her by taking her out on a date. Not one to get many offers, and thinkin’ he was handsome, she’d happily accepted.
Although his jokes were usually obscure, leaning towards dad-joke humor, she could say she’d never heard him tell the same one more than twice.
Finding time together had been difficult, even early on, but she’d always looked forward to his sweet little voicemails, and dinner dates when they’d sat side-by-side– with him eating his favorites, and her adventurously making her way through the menu, never eating the same thing twice.
In the spirit of getting to see each other more, they’d moved in together after graduation.
Annie wiped her eyes. Her heart ached for the times when they’d stayed in together, one-on-one. He’d always said that he genuinely wanted to spend time together, wherever he went, rather than disappearing solo with his friends. At least at first. She’d been the one to opt out and be alone.
What have I done? This seemed like such a relief. Did I do the wrong thing? Her thoughts whirled. Oh, God, am I a horrible person...? It was easier to leave when he hadn’t cared she was gone. I need someone to talk to.
Even though Annie was trembling, it was a relief when Molly answered her phone.
“Hey! How’d the drive go?”
Good to hear her voice... Annie sighed. “Good. I already grabbed some extra firewood on the way up for you. Some guy in town was selling it.” The first thing she’d noticed when she’d pulled up had been the very low stack of logs running along the length of the bright red cabin.
As Molly thanked her, Annie gathered her breath.
“Did... Chris call you?” She pinched between her eyes.
“Yes... He wasn’t very happy. ”
Annie felt dizzy. She touched the bumpy fabric of the couch under her, trying to ground herself. “Okay...”
“He was about to call the sheriff. You mad at me?”
“No...” Tears welled up in her eyes again. Perhaps Chris did care. “Molly, I think I screwed up.”
“Let him throw a fit! He’s crying now, but where was this display when you left his stupid party? Too little too late.”
She bit her lip. “I feel bad I didn’t wait until morning to tell him I was upset. He probably thought I was just coming to visit you to get some work done. Molly, I–”
“He’s a shit-ass wannabe frat boy. I’m so proud of you for leaving.”
“But my stuff’s still there...”
“When you come home, we’ll go get it. Do you not feel safe with it all there with him or something?”
“It should be okay... I’m more worried about him.” She told Molly about the messages. “I don’t wanna talk to him right now, but I know he’s going crazy.”
“It sounds like you’re pretty upset, too. Sleep on it. Think about what you want to say.”
Leaving things unsettled until morning didn’t sit well, but Annie knew she’d crumble if she talked to Chris now. “I can do that.”
“If you must, send him a text that you’ll be sure to talk soon.”
She nodded. “Thanks... and thanks for not telling him where I am... And you didn’t, right?” They’d taken a couples’ trip to the cabin the previous summer.
“Oh, God, no!”
Annie closed her eyes with relief.
They said their goodbyes. Brow furrowed, Annie drafted a brief text to Chris. Her feelings were a mess. She rewrote it several times before she sent:
Hi, thanks for your concern. I’m okay. I’m getting off my phone now. I’ll talk to you tomorrow when I can think better. I’m sorry. ( sent at 1:29 pm)
Her notification went off what felt like a second later.
where r u? i thought u had serious work to do, and u leave town? What gives? Babe, what’s wrong? (sent at 1:29 pm)
A growl escaped her throat. She hadn’t listened to his voicemails, but she assumed it was more of the same thing. The terror that was gushing forth on the screen of her phone pulled at her heartstrings, but she reminded herself again of one thing: he hadn’t looked for her until now.
The self-aware, present man she’d known had been replaced by a self-centered party boy. She’d asked him to keep the parties to a few a month, but since Christmas, he’d forgotten she’d ever made such a request. The parties were growing more drunken, sloppy, and expensive.
She composed a long, detailed text, but the rage welling up inside her prevented her from gathering her thoughts coherently enough to make her case.
She deleted it. Instead, she texted:
I’m taking time to think. The party the other night was too much. I hope you can get some sleep tonight. Talk tomorrow? (sent at 1:45 pm)
She doubted it was what he'd wanted from her, but she wasn't in the mood to argue.
Chris had every right to be angry at her for leaving without notice after all.
He left her on read for about fifteen minutes before she gave up and turned her phone off for the night.
Hopefully a night's rest would help him to calm down.
Tears ran down her face.
Logically, she was as furious as Mom had been when she’d finally left Dad.
The woman had handed over two decades of her life to someone who hadn't absolutely treasured her. But the abandonment only reminded Annie of the anger she herself had marinated in, when her mom had disappeared into the night, leaving behind a lonely, anxious teenage daughter like she was a piece of furniture. Mom could have gotten us both out while I was still a baby. But that was a whole can of worms on its own, and now wasn’t the time to unpack it.
She shoved down the memories and let out a heavy sigh.
Finding the exit and walking through it was unavoidable. I might hate myself right now, but I can’t be with someone like Christopher, like the man he’s become. I can’t go back.
And I definitely should have known better sooner.