15. Chapter 15
fifteen
O we me?
Skeptically, Annie leveled her gaze at him.
“I know...” Julian paused. “I don’t want to owe you... er, I’m not spitting this out right. You probably have better things to do than wait on me hand and foot.”
She gave him her most earnest smile, but his indelicate attitude got to her, and it fell from her lips.
A piece of that morning resurfaced in her mind; indeed, she had felt as if coming over was like going to work, rather than coming over to spend time with a friend.
Now she felt guilty for thinking like that.
How could she have been so selfish? He was in a sore spot, though. It would be too callous to leave him be. But, it did scare her that the carefree nature of their little relationship had disappeared. The fun, easy-going joy in her vacation was no more.
She murmured, feeling bewildered, “Explain then.”
He closed his eyes. Several seconds passed, and she waited for him to gather his thoughts. “Your kindness is appreciated. I’m not denying that. But you’ve already done a lot for me.”
She struggled to read his tone. Sure, she wanted her help returned as gratitude just like anybody, but would she come after him, asking him to repay some insurmountable debt?
No. Was he really so scared that she’d expect the world in return for her time and energy?
“I’m cooking you food, not giving you a house loan…
? Julian, don’t you need someone to help you? ”
When he opened his eyes, the look in them was gentle but guarded. “I’m not worried about taking care of myself, by myself. Please don’t ask me again.”
“Oh...” Although she could tell he tried to be delicate with her feelings, it hurt that he refused to take her help. That he thought her kindness came with strings attached. “Ah, I see.” She put on a smile to hide the smarting in her chest.
Julian’s face went flat for a moment before he licked his lips and his expression became relieved but impassive.
Why did his rejection even bother her? They barely knew each other. She was under no obligation to help him, and now he’d freed her to focus on herself. He’d as much made it clear that she wasn’t needed. Simple as that. “I’ll get out of your hair.”
He followed her to the door, and watched her as she put her coat on. She wished to dig them both out of the discomfort of that moment. But all she could think of was to leave. Give him space. She avoided looking at his face, mostly to hide her own.
“Annie,” he finally said, his voice gentle. He sighed. “You don’t have to help me anymore. That’s all I meant.”
She adjusted her collar and pulled her hair free. “Okay. I got it.”
“Annie.”
To her surprise, he reached out and grabbed her hand. She finally looked at him.
“It doesn’t mean you can’t visit when you like.
I do like your company. You’re funny and clearly very sweet.
I don’t want to take advantage of your kindness.
I don’t want to become a responsibility when it feels like you have a lot on your plate.
” Relief crossed his face. “There. That’s what I meant. ”
She blinked at him. Ohhhh…
She felt suddenly silly for taking his refusal too personally.
But he hadn’t answered one of her questions.
At the risk of pissing him off, she asked, “Okay, but how do you expect to take care of yourself with only one hand?” She raised a brow and gestured to the good hand that still held hers.
“I do genuinely feel bad about not helping when you clearly need help. If you don’t want to owe me, can’t anybody else help you? ”
She expected him to at the very least make a joke, and at worst yell at her. But just stared at her like a deer in the headlights.
“No,” he finally admitted. “I don’t have anyone.”
Nobody? He lived out in the middle of nowhere, but he really had nobody? No reliable friends? No family?
Maybe that was why he was hesitant to call all those people who’d doted on him at the restaurant his people. Were they just on-the-surface type friends?
“Sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to make you feel bad for me.” He let her hand go, the look in his eyes disconsolate.
“I’d rather take care of someone like you a hundred times over than repeat even a day of my years taking care of my father,” Annie said, meaning it purely and without shame, as if laying an offering at an altar.
Half a second later, though, her emotions turned into an even bigger mess than they already were.
He didn't need to know that. He just wants to be a big strong man who owes nobody anything. You definitely don’t owe him a word of your past .
Annie’s face turned crimson.
“I gotta go,” she said, spinning and reaching for the door .
Julian had never meant to disappoint Annie, only free her from an obligation.
Or rather, to free yourself...? his mind whispered to him darkly.
He grabbed her hand again.
She had her other hand on the door knob, but turned halfway to him.
“I can’t let you go while you’re angry,” he said.
She sighed through her nose. “I’m not— not angry.”
When she didn’t leave, but kept her hand on the doorknob, he bit the inside of his cheek. All he'd had to do was let her cook for him, and now he'd be lucky to see her ever again. Was it really that big a deal? I have two choices: let her walk out of this cabin, or we can get this sorted out.
Annie shook her head, to both herself and at him. She opened the door.
“I gotta go–”
“Please sit,” he blurted, strengthening the grip on her hand. He squeezed her delicate fingers. Gesturing to the couch, he repeated, “I didn’t mean to upset you. Now sit.”
She looked back at him. Her lovely eyes studied his face for a moment. God knew what she saw in his flesh, bones, and eyes that made her trust him.
“Okay.”
They sat down on opposite ends. He had the impression that she was sizing him up, and he lifted his chin.
“Let me try this again. I’ve taken care of myself for a long time, and gotten myself out of some pretty bad pinches. I won’t die if you’re not around.” When her eyes flicked to his bandaged hand resting on the back of the couch, he added, “The other day notwithstanding. ”
“I don’t know why it matters so much that I cook for you,” Annie replied. She rubbed the back of her neck. “Maybe I just don’t get it because you let me cook for you before, and you seemed to like it.”
“I loved it.”
A small smile returned to her lips, reaching her eyes.
“Loved it?” Her expression then turned somber.
“I guess I’ve been really bothered by some things that my ex said before I left him.
” She shook her head yet again. “Sorry.” Her hands were in her lap, and she began to rub her fingers over her nails and cuticles as she stared down at them.
"Sorry, I didn’t mean to bring him up again. ”
He hesitated. It really was none of his business, but he already had a poor impression of her ex. “Well, whatever he said, I do love your cooking, and he’s missing out.” When she only looked up and gave a slight smile he decided to venture, “What is bothering you?”
Her nose wrinkled and she tucked her hair behind her ear. “He implied I wasn’t a good friend because I work too much.”
“That doesn’t make someone a bad friend.”
“I know...” She went back to playing with her fingers.
“Work’s important.”
“Very,” Annie said.
"I don't know many bad friends who take someone to the doctor and then demand they cook for ‘em."
This time he got a laugh out of her. She rolled her eyes.
“Y’know, the night I left... he was throwing a rager.
Him and all his friends were still partying in the middle of the night.
” She lowered her head and looked to the side.
"I called him out when we broke up, and he wasn’t very happy.
But it’s not like I don’t know the signs… "
“Know the signs of what? ”
“Alcoholism,” Annie said. “Sorry. I hope I’m not dumping too much on you.”
He still wasn’t sure what she meant but he waited for her to continue. "I’m listening."
She nodded, her eyes getting a little glassy. "Thanks. It's just… not something I want to encounter again."
"Again?”
Annie paused and looked stricken, as if she'd said more than she'd wanted to. Let another big secret slip. With a heavy breath and a low voice, she said, "I don't tell many people this... but... My dad is an alcoholic... That’s why I was taking care of him."
Julian stiffened. For a moment, he didn't care about Annie's background, while his mind was paralyzed by his own personal history, his own story.
Even hearing about her experience, so similar to his own, was painful.
Did he have the right to keep his experiences to himself?
Sure. In that regard, he owed nobody anything.
But Annie was perhaps one of the warmest people he’d ever met.
I couldn’t even accept her cooking for me, and here she is, bearing her soul…
Drawing a deep breath, he admitted, "I don't tell many people about this either... but my father was one, too, and he got into a fatal accident with my mom..." He gave her a grim smile. "So, I completely get it. It's a real shame growing up like that."
Annie gave him a half-smile. "Robs you of a childhood, doesn't it?"
He nodded.
"And you can't save ‘em from themselves."
Julian nodded.
"Mom couldn't save my dad. She left when I was a teenager… and sorta just started over without us. Travels for work." Annie's eyes suddenly widened and she stared back at him. "I'm so rry about your parents. I didn’t mean to talk over you. It must have been hard to lose ‘em both like that."
Julian cringed, realizing he'd phrased things oddly. "Actually... he's still alive. Serving time. Mom's the one who paid the price."
"Oh! I'm sorry, that's terrible." She looked at her hands for a moment, her pointer finger massaging a knuckle of the other hand.
"I could see we might have been heading down the same path— me and Chris.
.. that's his name. My ex. I couldn't live with someone like that anymore.
So, I'm done. I’m really sorry about your mom. "
"Thank you... Sorry about Chris."
“Thanks.”
"It's tough. That kind of thing makes life hell.
" In saying this, Julian instantly felt a wave of embarrassment and shame. Anything other than what he’d already let drop was a step too far.
He couldn't make himself utter the words ‘I've been there, too, and had to get help because I had no self-control like my father.’ Surely she’d look at him like some kind of monster and steer clear from him.
Be a death sentence to what casual friendship they did have.
And for someone who’s going home eventually, that’s all she needs to know, he thought justifyingly.
They were quiet for a bit, and as if she sensed that they needed to change the topic, Annie looked around his cabin. "This place is really nice."
He relaxed. "Thanks. I renovated a lot of it over the winter. Needed to keep my hands busy."
"Really?"
He nodded. He couldn’t help but grin.
Annie perked up and smiled back. "You know what you're supposed to do with new friends, right? "
He shook his head, puzzled.
She leaned forward and lightly tapped him on the leg. "You give them the house tour!"
He chuckled. "People really do that?"
"Sometimes." Annie shrugged. "I-I mean... only if you want to."