30. Chapter 30
thirty
O utside, the chatter of crickets mimicked the rapid tune of Annie’s heartbeat.
Julian pulled her along, the crunch of his boots on the gravel hard and commanding. His grip was tight against her knuckles and palm. Embarrassment burned in her stomach. Nothing had gone even remotely right tonight.
And just as she looked at their clasped hands, he let go. He stopped at his truck and turned around.
“Why are you here?”
Opening her mouth, she expected all the words sloshing inside of her to pour out, but nothing came. Frustrated, she covered her mouth with her fingers.
“Annie.”
In the dim glow of the distant light pole, she could barely make out more than the hard line of his lips and the furrow of his brow.
“Why’d you come tonight?”
Speak! Now wasn’t the time to beat around the bush. If she didn’t come out with what she was feeling, she’d regret it for the rest of her life. She would always think of Julian. Whether they were together or not.
“Julian... I think I want another chance with you… but I… ”
“Well,” he said sharply, “as you are aware, I am a recovered alcoholic. And that seemed to be a huge dealbreaker.”
“Yes. I know.” She swallowed thickly and folded her arms over her chest. She shivered. “But before you told me you’re history, I was going to ask if you wanted to give long-distance a go. I got scared. I’m sorry.”
He blinked and frowned. She wondered if he’d spent these estranged weeks thinking many unhappy things about her.
Tucking her hair behind her ear, she feared that she’d come all this way, only to hurt him more. “I’m sorry,” she whispered again. “I’m an idiot. Are... are you... mad I’m here?”
“No.” He pulled a hand from a pocket and passed it over his hair, which had grown longer since she’d last seen him. “I hear you. I’m still just confused as hell as to why you came back.”
“I can’t get you out of my head. I’ve been trying not to think about you this whole time — not that I don’t want to think about you... I just thought I shouldn’t .”
He shifted on his feet and stuffed his hands in his pockets. He raised a brow. “Really, now?” His face was impassive, but he was looking at her– really looking at her– when before she’d barely had his attention.
Her gaze dropped to the ground. “This night’s been a disaster.
The drive here, the drinks—” She stopped herself.
Stop whining. You don’t need his pity. The longer she waited for his reaction, the more she knew deep in her chest that it was too late.
Her voice broke as she said, “I miss you...” She looked up, wishing she could make out the finer details of his expression in the dark. “I’m sorry.”
God, she wished his face wasn’t in shadow.
“I’m sorry for any hurt I caused,” she went on. She felt dizzy. He was too calm. Would he explode? The suspense was murderous .
“I thought I’d never talk to you again,” he finally spoke, his voice low, sounding so very far away.
A snarl of emotions climbed into Julian’s throat from some wellspring in his heart as he peered into Annie’s bereft, rosy-cheeked face, lit under the glow of the streetlights.
Does she want to be with me? Is she willing to forgive my past?
The way she struggled to assert herself made him squirm. He despised this wishy-washy crap.
His eyebrow lifted, and he nodded cordially, inwardly ready to crawl out of his skin.
Annie took his silence as a sign to continue. “I understand if you’ve found someone else, though. You looked happy with that nurse girl...” She bit her lip.
Did she see us together? Was that why she was walking on eggshells?
“Dee’s just an acquaintance,” he said with a shrug.
Annie swallowed, the corners of her mouth turning up a trace, though the nerves didn’t leave her pretty eyes. “She is?”
“Yes.”
Her gaze then went cloudy. She peered down at the ground. “I keep trying to figure out my future, but I just don’t know. But I know I regret dropping you as a friend.”
His heart sank. “Just a ‘friend,’ Annie?”
She shook her head. “A friend, yes, but... But—I… I wouldn’t have driven here to be,” she stammered, “just your friend...”
“So…” he said. “You drove here to be friends — but not just friends?”
“I… ”
He shifted on his feet. “What do you want, Annie?” Her imprecision grew to an exasperating height, just when an awful pain tore through him at the thought of her leaving.
Of him returning to his home alone once again and not seeing her shy smile and enjoying her cooking.
Of dancing around their affection, always stopping short.
She whispered, “I miss you. So much… I-I won’t insist that you reciprocate,” she said. “I won’t make any demands on your heart. But I do miss you.”
The itch to kiss her, to end her embarrassment, rose within him.
She was right in front of him.
If he could only just hold her…
Unable to bear his hunger any longer, he reached out and pulled her to him. His lips came down on hers.
They fell back against his truck as she kissed him back fiercely, deepening the closeness of their mouths, her fingers drifting up his neck and smoothing his hair. When he reluctantly pulled his mouth away, he looked into her face and read his still unanswered question in her eyes.
Annie straightened her spine.
He swallowed thickly and whispered warily, “Please, just say you want me.”
“I want you,” she replied. “I haven’t been able to wrap my head around anything else... but I want to be with you, Julian. I don’t think I can live without you.”