Chapter 17 #2
“What’s your favorite Christmas memory?” Georgia asked.
“Why?”
“I could ask you your favorite color or number or childhood pet?”
“Okay, Mr. Know-It-All. Go.”
He cracked his neck from side to side. “Not orange, but tangerine. Eight because it looks like the infinity sign. And Miss Peepers, a Himalayan whose namesake comes from her enormous blue eyes.”
Something flickered in her chest like a fragile flame, which sparked when Jake helped that single mom, began to grow. “You remember all of that?”
“I remember all of you,” he said quietly. “But I want to get to know all of the new you.”
Geogia stopped to think about what that would entail—for her mind and her heart. Right then, standing alone in the tight aisles of Christmas wonder, swapping stories sounded more intimate than sex.
“Getting to know each other only works if we’re both brave enough to let our guards and past pain go,” Jake said.
“What if I don’t want to let go of the pain?”
“It’s the only way to move forward. Wherever that leads.”
He was right and she was scared.
“Where do you want it to lead?” she asked quietly.
“Why don’t we start with friends and see where it goes from there.”
“I can do that,” she said with zero confidence that she could handle letting go.
Because without the pain, all that was left were empty memories and a war-torn soul.
At least with the pain, she always had a companion.
Healthy or not, it had become her coping mechanism.
And if she lost that, she wasn’t sure who she was.
She bit the inside of her cheek to stop her lips from quivering as she asked, “What do you want to know?”
“Do you ever think you’ll forgive your mom?”
She choked on emotion. “I guess we’re diving right in.”
“You were never surface, and I believe that hasn’t changed. Am I wrong?”
“No.” She chuckled. “I can’t suffer through meaningless bullshit. I think it comes from having to get to the heart of the matter as fast as possible so I could make the best decision for Connor. Sometimes seconds mattered.”
“I get that. I mean, in no way am I comparing racing to Connor’s health, but I know the pressure that comes with making a split decision.”
“What you do is life and death too. One hesitation and you could meet a fiery end.”
“If you want to skip the question, we can. I don’t mind getting a little uncomfortable, because that’s the only way we’re going to make this work.”
He was two and oh for being right. The more she got to know about him the more she started liking him—again.
“I don’t know if I can. I wasn’t there so I don’t know if it was the best call for Connor.
But she didn’t even call me. She just made a unilateral decision for a person she didn’t take care of when he was alive.
I took care of him. It should have been mine and Connor’s choice.
Not a fly-by mom who couldn’t stay on her psychiatric medication long enough to make a difference. ”
“Why did she refuse meds?”
“She said they made her feel different. Not like herself. And I was like, ‘Isn’t that the point of medicine? To make you feel different?’” Georgia felt herself getting angry. “I think it was because it affected her sex drive and her boyfriend at the time didn’t like that.”
“I can’t forgive her, either,” Jake said, surprising her.
“What do you mean? You barely knew her.”
“I hated that she put the weight of your brother’s life on your young shoulders. I hate that instead of being his sister you were his caretaker.” Georgia opened her mouth to wave it off, but he wasn’t done talking. “I know you wouldn’t change it, but you were robbed of your childhood.”
“So were you.”
“Mine was a choice. I chose to move to the training facility. I wasn’t forced there like some of the other kids.”
“But your steadfastness and dedication to your coach and team also played a big part in why you pushed through. A big part of the reason you’re here is because of your drive.
But another part is because you didn’t want to let anyone down.
So you sacrificed things that made you happy for things that made them happy. ”
“Like you?”
“Like us,” she whispered.
“And for that I will never forgive myself. So trust me, any anger you have toward me is nothing compared to what I feel for myself.”
“We’re here today, exactly where we are meant to be, because of decisions we made ten years ago. Turns we made when faced with a four-way stop. Things happen for a reason.”
“Does that include us?”
She looked down at her hands, folding and unfolding them as if the answer was hiding in her fingers.
She met his eyes. “I think it does. I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be—right here, right now—with you. But…” She took a breath, her voice softening, “I’m standing at another intersection. There are so many turns ahead, and I’m not sure which one to take.”
He stepped closer, his gaze steady and warm. “Maybe we don’t have to know all the turns yet. Maybe we just take the next one together.”
Jake’s breath stuck in his chest waiting for her answer. Instead of answering him, she reached into her coat pocket and pulled out an envelope.
“I’ve been carrying this with me ever since I saw you at the wedding, waiting for the perfect time to give it to you, and I think that’s now.”
She held out the envelope. It was Nova Racing blue, had worry-worn edges, and a sealed back flap covered with a piece of tape to ensure that only the intended recipient read it.
He took the note from her and felt his lungs give out.
On the front, beneath a rudimentary Nova race car sketch was his name. In Connor’s writing.
“What is this?”
“I don’t know. He just made me promise that, if anything happened, I’d give this to you. I should have mailed it to you years ago, but I felt like it was the kind of missive that deserved to be hand delivered.”
Unable to speak, Jake just nodded.
He slid his finger under the flap and, ever so carefully, ran it along the opening until he reached the end. Even then he took another breath before he opened it.
Jake,
You’re my hero.
Maybe you can be my sister’s, too.