33
Were you ever going to tell me?”
“No.”
“Is this the part where you say not because you didn’t trust me, but because you didn’t trust yourself?”
“Would that make a difference?”
Theo’s gaze remained focused out the front window, where their trio of unexpected guests had taken off in a hurry. From way too loud to way too quiet in sixty seconds or less. Theo had his back to her, hands on his hips, while Raquel stood several feet away.
From the first moment she’d met this man, he’d felt like a magnet to her.
In a very literal way, they hadn’t been able to keep their hands off each other.
She’d always assumed eventually that would fade, and the relationship with it, like the passing of a storm.
But this moment right now, when she stood beside her husband with an enormous gulf suddenly yawning between them…
The dog whined softly. She dug her fingers into the scruff of his neck, whether to comfort him or herself she didn’t know.
Theo finally turned around. His expression was impossible to read.
“You’re a murderer.”
“Yes.”
“Your own mother.”
She shrugged, forced herself not to look away.
“Did you go to prison?”
“Given the circumstances, my lawyer was able to negotiate a deal. I went to a specialized state facility. Prison-like, I would argue, but not prison prison. I spent two years ‘doing the work’—group sessions, one-on-ones, journaling, painting, music-ing. It’s impressive the number of therapies specialists believe have value. ”
“And you? Did you find it valuable?”
“Well, I haven’t killed anyone since. What, too soon for jokes?”
Theo gave her a disappointed look. She found herself flushing.
“You said yourself you knew I was keeping secrets.” She threw up her hands. “Now you know the truth. Isn’t that a good thing?”
“Why wouldn’t you tell me? Especially…these days.”
She knew what he meant. How could she not?
Sex might start to form a bond, then love forge an even deeper connection.
But mourning the loss of a child, that kind of shared grief…
Forget trauma-bond. They had drowned together, fallen all the way to the ocean floor, then, bit by excruciating bit, worked their way to shore, propping each other up exhaustedly along the way.
“I’m not like other people,” she confessed.
He waited.
“I don’t have a moral code, that proverbial this is the line I’d never cross.
I don’t even understand the sentiment. When it comes down to a matter of survival, your own, the people you love, who the hell cares about ethics?
You do what needs to be done. I’ve never regretted killing my mother; I only wish I’d done it sooner. ”
“Your mother truly did everything Betty said, to you and your siblings.”
“And more.” Raquel’s lips twisted. “My lawyer didn’t secure my deal based just on the horror show that was our childhood, though. The number of people who knew and didn’t act, including the sheriff’s department, tipped things in my favor. Not that it helped Lilly and Charlie Boy.”
“That’s the land you own.”
“Yes.”
“Do you ever visit?”
“No.”
“Because…you’re not like other people?” He regarded her curiously. “And yet you secured and now safeguard their final resting place. Maybe you’re more sentimental than you think.”
“You’re very sweet in your optimism.”
“You’re very predictable in your defensiveness.”
God, she wished he’d reach out a hand, close the distance, something, anything. She trembled slightly, hated herself for the weakness, but couldn’t seem to stop.
“Tell me,” Theo demanded. “Give me just one reason to believe we’re real, that your secrets are all about your past and not our present.”
Raquel opened her mouth to argue that she’d never actually lied to him, that she hadn’t just changed her name all those years ago—she’d committed to the whole-new-you program and built the life they shared now.
But what actually came out was a choked sob, and a single terrible truth even she couldn’t bear to confront: “It’s all my fault. She said at the very end, ‘Now you’re just like me.’ And I am. I’ve killed my babies, too.”
Theo broke; he’d never been able to stand seeing her in pain. But it didn’t matter, because she was already lost as he pulled her into his arms and cradled her head against his chest.
“Oh, honey.”
“You should leave me. I understand. I come from evil, I am evil. Your parents were right to warn you off.”
“Don’t. Just don’t.”
“You fear my lies. I fear your pity. What kind of relationship is that?”
“Shhh…”
“You can’t tell me the sex is that good.”
“I don’t have to, because you already know it is.”
She cried harder. She was gutted, hollowed out. She’d truly believed she’d moved on, and she truly hadn’t. Turns out, can’t outrun DNA. Goddammit.
“I would kill her,” she gasped now. “I would kill her all over again. But I also just want it to be over. Why the hell can’t that bitch die already!”
Theo stroked her hair.
“Lilly should’ve made it. I thought at least I’d rescued her, but no. Mama was like that. Sunk in her claws and held on tight. God, why didn’t I do the deed sooner? I promised Lilly and Charlie Boy so many times. I promised!”
Theo held her tighter.
“And I’m a fucking wreck! I hate this. I like being cold and logical. It’s so much more efficient. If this is how the rest of the world lives, no wonder people are such a mess.”
A low chuckle.
The heat of him, the solid wall of his chest, the tight band of his arms. God, it felt so good.
If they stood like this long enough, she’d win.
They both knew it. Theo could never say no to a damsel in distress.
So he’d stay in this marriage, not because it was the right choice for him, but because it wasn’t in his nature to hurt others.
Opposites attract, right? Someone in the cosmos had to be having one helluva fucking laugh right now.
As for her, the person who always did what needed to be done, regardless of the price…
She pulled away. Wiped furiously at her eyes, her snotty nose. Attempted a steadying breath.
“I’m sorry. I just…I’m sorry.”
Theo let her go, taking a step back himself.
“It’s not your fault.” Gently, he tilted up her chin.
“You can’t keep blaming yourself for everything.
Your mother, your siblings, our recent heartbreak.
You have always been one of the strongest, toughest women I know.
But you still don’t control the universe.
Your mother should’ve protected you. Failing that, the police should’ve.
Or the schools, doctors, any one of the various adults around.
I’m sorry that didn’t happen. I hate that you had to go through all that.
But also, quite selfishly, I’m grateful for any road that brought you to me. ”
“Now you’re being ridiculous.”
“We’re going to figure this out.”
She shook her head.
Theo continued, tone firm. “Let’s start by focusing on the here and now. The information posted on the community forum is correct, obviously. Meaning more and more people are going to know your story.”
“Oh my God, your parents.”
“That’s a me problem. Though kudos to them for already mentioning hiring a lawyer. You were a juvenile and you served your time. That’s in our favor.”
“Bunny Borden,” she muttered.
“That’s gonna take longer to die down,” he agreed. “Oops, poor choice of words. Wait, is it too soon for me to joke?”
She managed a watery smile. “Never.”
“Who would know,” Theo asked more seriously. “Who would’ve been able to make the connection between the woman you are now and the girl you used to be?”
“I’m not sure. In theory, the only person left from those days is me.”
“Then maybe it’s not about the past, but the present.”
“What do you mean…” Her voice trailed off as understanding dawned. “This house, what’s going on with this property, this town.”
“Gotta admit, things have been hopping the past few days. If someone wanted to create a distraction, chumming the waters with salacious tales from your past is a good way to do it.”
Raquel frowned, scrubbed at her face. She could see what he was getting at, because there was no doubt being outed on the community board was creating a giant distraction. To keep them from learning more about the Dixons? Or working to identify the remains of the poor young woman in the well. Or…
Stories of treasure. A coded account of something far worse. Raquel stared up at her husband:
“It’s possible I didn’t quite tell Mason everything about the journal. I’m working on a few theories of my own. But I need a little more information.”
“Another source?”
“No. The cave. The place Mandy and I discovered yesterday. I want to see it.”