Chapter 2
dirks
Saturday mornings at the North Shore Farmers Market had started to feel like a pregame ritual.
Luckily for me, one of my best friends, Ledger, came along with his wife, Auburn, and their daughter, Evie.
“Farmers market season’s almost over,” Ledger said as he pushed the stroller. “Then you’ll be gearing up for your last run. We were lucky, you know—most guys don’t get to finish out on the same team. Hell, I thought for sure they’d trade me before I ever got that last game with you.”
“I still can’t believe this’ll be the last one,” I said. “After this, all of us will be out of the league.”
It was surreal. Ledger, Alex, and I had all started with the Chicago Ravens around the same time. Alex had already retired, settled down with his wife and two kids. Ledger was working for a nonprofit, teaching kids how to play hockey. I was the last one standing. The last old bastard still playing.
Auburn’s bouncy, blonde curls flashed past as she tossed another bag of veggies into the stroller basket.
“Did you hear Austin’s coming home?”
Austin was her son, and he’d played in the league for the Ravens for a bit before heading to rehab.
I closed my eyes and wiped the sweat from my temple with the back of my hand.
Every time rehab came up, the conversation was always about Austin. Always about how well he was doing. How proud everyone was, but no one ever mentioned Jeremy.
Hell, I didn’t talk about Jeremy. Not out loud, anyway, but not a single day passed that I didn’t think about him and wonder how he was doing.
All I knew was that he left the league a few months after Austin, went to rehab, too . . . and nothing. I’d tried texting him. He never responded.
I guess that’s what I got for falling in love with a woman who loved him, too.
“Where’d you go just now?” Auburn nudged my arm, pulling me back to the comfort of the market, fresh fruit, chatter, sunshine. A reality I could handle.
“I’m happy for Austin,” I said, clearing my throat. “Glad he’s coming back. You’ll have help when Evie starts kindergarten. I’d be happy to shoot around with him. I’ll have to give him a call.”
There was a beat of silence, and then Auburn and Ledger exchanged one of those looks, the kind married people give each other when they’re having a whole conversation without speaking.
“Cut it out, will you?” I grumbled. “That’s creepy. I feel like you two are telepathically talking or some shit.”
Auburn raised her hands in mock surrender. “No, I swear we’re not doing that. We’re . . . worried about you.”
“Worried?”
“Yeah,” Ledger chimed in. “Aside from Saturday farmers’ markets, you’re in the city alone. You’re either on the ice or at home. Alex said you’ve stopped going to the parties.”
Sex parties. He was just too polite to say it out loud.
I used to go all the time. I loved to fuck. Loved to explore. For me, the two went hand in hand. Which is probably why I fell in love with a woman who loved two men. It made sense to me. Always had.
“It’s still Luna, isn’t it?” Ledger added carefully.
That name dropped like a stone between us.
It was always awkward to talk about her, especially with Auburn. Luna’s best friend, Nova, had once been married to Austin. And Luna . . . well, Luna had loved Austin’s former teammates. Me and Jeremy.
Auburn reached out and gently took my hand. “You can talk about her. I know how you feel about her.”
I nodded, eyes drifting down to the bunch of fresh flowers resting in my farmers market basket, the woven one I brought every Saturday because it made carrying shit around easier.
I hadn’t even realized I’d picked them out. Tulips. Her favorite.
“There isn’t—” My throat tightened. I had to swallow before I could finish. “There isn’t a day I don’t think about her.”
No matter how much time passed. No matter how quiet it all went. She was still everywhere.
I respected her wishes. When she ended it, I let her go. Never texted. Never called. Not once. Even though I wanted to. Even though every part of me still wanted her.
“Why didn’t you ever try to reach out?” Auburn asked softly.
“Because she’s still everywhere. And it hurts too fucking much.”
Luna had gone viral. Everywhere I turned, every time I opened my phone, there she was.
On reels, in sponsored posts, featured in interviews.
She’d recently signed a deal with an athletic wear company.
The same company that provided our team’s jerseys.
I couldn’t even scroll without seeing her face.
Loud hair, loud laugh, loud personality.
She was flourishing in all the ways I wasn’t.
And it wasn’t just her.
“Her boyfriend,” Ledger said without question.
I nodded. Because as much as Luna was everywhere . . . so was he—Will. The Hands’ rugby coach. Always smiling. Always standing beside her. Always fucking there.
They were all over social media. Soft launch turned into a full-blown brand. Matching yoga sets. Sponsored giveaways. Quiet little captions like “home in a person” that made my stomach twist.
“Call her,” Auburn said suddenly.
I blinked. “What?”
“Call her,” she repeated, like it hadn’t already cost me everything to stay away.
Auburn came to a stop, holding the stroller with one hand and reaching out with the other, straight for my basket.
Ledger smirked. “Easy there. That’s his valued wicker basket, sunshine. He polishes it on Thursdays.”
“I do not—”
“He does.” Ledger cut in. “Swears it holds weight better than a reusable bag. Says it’s ergonomic.”
“I think about it sometimes,” Auburn murmured. “What I should’ve said to Nova before she left . . . something better. Something that might’ve made her stay.”
I didn’t speak.
“And to Austin. Before rehab. Before he spiraled. I saw it coming—I knew—but I didn’t say anything.
I thought if I gave him space, he’d come to me when he was ready.
But all I did was leave him alone in it.
” Her voice cracked. “I was so young when I had him. I didn’t know how to be a mom.
I was still trying to figure out how to be a person.
When Nova came around, with her mother’s sickness .
. . God, she needed someone, and I didn’t show up for her either.
Not the way I should’ve. I didn’t ask enough questions.
And by the time I did, it was already too late. ”
She finally looked up at me, her hand still resting on my basket like it was anchoring her, too.
“I live with those regrets every single day. I see you, Dirks. I see you holding it all in—doing what you think is right by staying quiet. I promise you . . . silence isn’t noble. It’s lonely.”
I blinked, my throat tight, heart suddenly pounding against my ribs like it was trying to break free.
“I have so many ‘I wish I could’ve’ moments,” she whispered. “I don’t want you to have them either.” She looked me dead in the eye. “Call her.”
Something in me cracked. It wasn’t a loud or dramatic break, but rather a clean, quiet snap that echoed somewhere deep in my chest. She was right.
I had spent so long trying to be respectful of Luna’s boundaries, but Auburn’s voice cut through all of that.
Suddenly, my silence didn’t feel noble anymore.
It felt like a fucking mistake.
I whispered to them through the buzz and chaos of the farmers’ market. “She asked me not to contact her. After Jer went to shit, she said that without him . . . there wasn’t us.”
I shook my head, then reached out and grabbed Ledger’s shoulder—half for support, half to shake myself out of this conversation.
“No. This is ridiculous. She’s in a relationship. We all fucking know it, it’s plastered everywhere.”
“You’ve spent the last four damn years yearning,” Ledger said sharply.
“Wallowing. Sad. Four goddamn years, man. That’s not some small stretch of time where I can say, ‘you’ll get over it.
’ ” He stepped closer. “At least talk to her. Let her know it’s your last season.
Give her that. If nothing comes of it, fine, but at least you’ll know you tried. ”
I shook my head. I appreciated both of them. I wanted them to be right.
“Thank you. I can’t.” My laugh was hollow. I turned to Ledger. “I have to respect her. That’s the one thing I still have. I have enough respect.”
He didn’t argue.
“I mean, hell, maybe I’ll go to that party this weekend.” I threw it out like a joke, but even I didn’t believe it.
Ledger gave a sigh and nodded, but I knew my best friend. I knew he didn’t buy a word of it.
Auburn grabbed the stroller again, and we started walking toward the market’s exit.
“Did I ever tell you how weird it is that you show up here every weekend?” Ledger asked. “Like, you know every vendor by name. You clock if they move a stall. You make us spend four hours here on Saturday mornings, like it’s our job.”
“Don’t be mean.” Auburn scolded him with a smile. “We love coming, Dirks.”
“No. Stassi loves coming with Dirks,” Ledger said, shooting me a look.
“Dear god,” I groaned. “Y’all are never letting me live that down, are you?”
They burst out laughing.
“Hell no,” Auburn said, beaming.
It had been one of those sex parties. My partner and I went into the same room as Stassi and Alex because she was curious.
Before I left the room to give them space, Stassi watched as my partner went down on me.
Ever since then, I've been saved in her phone as “Mr. Dingles.” A nickname for my dick that, unfortunately, had way too much staying power.
We rounded the path toward the coffee stand I always visited before leaving. The smell hit first, warm, rich, comforting. I was reaching for my wallet when Auburn slowed, her brows pinching as she looked down the tree-lined street.
“Wait,” she said suddenly, “you mentioned Jeremy?”
I didn’t answer. The barista slid the cup across without asking, and I took it with a tight smile. If I kept walking, I could outrun the entire conversation.
“Yeah,” Ledger said, catching up beside me, “what happened to him?”
“Nothing happened. He’s an enigma.”
“Austin heard from him?” Ledger pressed.
Auburn shook her head. “No. I hope he doesn’t, honestly. That’d be hard for his sobriety. They were party buddies, the two of them.”
She didn’t say it with judgment. It was a known thing. Jeremy and Austin burned hard and fast. The kind of friendship that felt invincible until it blew up.
I nodded slowly, wrapping my hands around the warm cup.
Jeremy and I never fucked. Not alone, anyway, but we were both with Luna. Together.
We fucked her together. The three of us had been . . . more than a fling. Though it wasn’t traditional, or tidy, it was real. For me, at least.
I loved Jeremy.
Not like I love Ledger. Not in that uncomplicated, ride-or-die, bullshit-banter kind of way.
I loved Jeremy in a way that was deeper than friendship. More intimate. Quietly intense. He had a darkness I understood.
“I loved him, not because of Luna. Not because we shared her. There was something else . . . I understood him. I cared for him.”
The words hung there, heavier than I expected. Ledger didn’t rush to fill the silence. He just stepped forward and pulled me into a hug.
After a beat, he said quietly, “You’re still here, man, and that means you’ve still got time.”
I nodded against his shoulder, swallowing hard.
When I pulled back, I leaned down to hug Auburn, wrapping one arm around her as she held onto the stroller.
“Please call her,” she whispered. “The internet lies, Dirks. You know that better than anyone.”
I shook my head gently, a half smile tugging at my lips. “Love you, Aubs.”
She squeezed my hand.
“Bye, Evie girl,” I said, crouching down to grab a cherry from the little plastic carton in her lap.
She whined immediately, hands flailing dramatically.
I laughed. “You’ve got like ten in there, don’t be greedy.”
Her face scrunched into the perfect little pout, and I ruffled her hair before heading toward my car, coffee in one hand, tulips tucked safely in my stupid emotional support wicker basket.
Even with the sun beating down and the market fading behind me, Auburn’s voice echoed in my head.
Call her.