Chapter 5
dirks
My body was sore, and staying up late wasn’t doing me any favors. For a piece of her, even if it was just her voice through the phone, I’d wreck my sleep schedule every time.
It had turned into a ritual, this unspoken thing between us. For the last couple of weeks, those late-night calls were all we had.
I flopped onto the bed, muscles aching, but reached for my phone out of instinct.
I called her because I always did. Every day for the past eight weeks. She picked up on the first ring.
“I know it’s late over there, but practice went long—”
“Dirks,” she said quietly, her voice uneven.
Something in her voice was off. Off enough that I sat up straighter. We only ever called each other. Never video. That had always been an unspoken rule.
“I’m switching to video,” I said quickly, already fumbling for the button. “Something’s wrong. I need to see you.”
I hit the button. It took her a second, but when the screen lit up, there she was.
My Luna.
She was lying in bed, tangled in white sheets, her platinum blonde hair loose around her. Behind her, the early morning light spilled through the windows. London was only waking up while it was late here.
“Did I wake you?”
She shook her head, but her eyes—fuck. Her eyes were rimmed red, like she’d been crying for hours.
“Hi, Lune,” I whispered.
My chest ached. Four fucking years, and I was staring at the woman who broke my heart . . . and still held every goddamn shard across a fucking ocean.
“I miss American pizza,” she blurted out.
The corner of my mouth twitched with a half smile. “Yeah?” I asked.
She nodded, and a single tear slid down her cheek.
God, I hated seeing her like that. But I loved it. too. Because this was her. Not the Luna everyone else knew—the one who smiled on camera, always composed, always fine. This was my Luna.
“I miss chicken nuggets. I miss Rhonda at the yoga studio by our old apartment. I miss . . . I miss greasy, terrible food that’s bad for you.” Her voice dropped an octave. “I miss—”
“I miss you too, Luna girl,” I whispered.
She nodded again, but this time she couldn’t hide it. The tears kept falling, and all I wanted was to reach through the screen and hold her.
“I was going to fall in love,” she said softly, eyes unfocused like she was talking more to the ceiling than to me. “Like Nova did. With Ollie. That kind of soft, steady, healthy love.”
I stayed quiet, letting her fill the silence.
“I wanted that, and Will . . . he’s sweet. He’s thoughtful. He brings me soup when I’m sick, lets me hog the covers, but it’s just—” Her voice broke a little. “It’s empty, Dirks. I feel empty.”
Fuck.
I hated hearing that. Hated that someone as vibrant as Luna could feel so hollow. But underneath that, I’d be lying if I said part of me didn’t feel . . . relieved? No. Not relieved. Just . . . .validated.
Because no one ever compared. I knew that wasn’t fair because she was in pain, but hearing her admit it—to me—felt like some twisted proof that what we had was real. That it hadn’t just lived in my head all these years.
“I know this sounds stupid—like so fucking stupid,” she said, chuckling. “But the sex? It’s so bad. Like . . . I lie and say I came. Every time. Just to make him feel good.”
I blinked. “Lune . . . ”
“He’s . . . vanilla. He always wants to talk about it after, like it’s a performance review. I nod and say it was good, and then I wait until he leaves and I—” Her cheeks flushed.
God. That ache in my chest twisted deeper. I remembered every sound she made, every way she came alive under Jeremy and me. There was no comparing that . . . not ever.
“Hey,” I said gently. “That’s not stupid. Don’t minimize it. Sex matters, Luna. It’s not everything, but it’s important. You deserve to feel good. To be touched like someone’s grateful to have you.”
She nodded quickly, tears still hanging in her lashes. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be saying this to you. It’s not fair. I don’t have anyone else I can say this shit to.”
My heart cracked. I hated that she felt alone, but selfishly, I loved that she still came to me. That I was still her safe space.
“You always have me, Luna girl.”
She went quiet again, her lips parting like she wanted to say something but couldn’t find the words. She looked tired and yet so beautiful. Still mine, even if she wasn’t.
“Luna,” I said softly, leaning toward the screen, needing her to feel it. “Come to Chicago.”
She blinked. “What?”
“My last season. Come.”
I swallowed hard, knowing I shouldn’t say anything else.
“Not forever. Just . . . a season.”
She stared at me, and I watched the conflict play out on her face. Guilt. Want. Sadness.
“I can’t date you,” she said, almost like it physically hurt her to admit it. “I can’t do that again.”
“Then don’t. Keep dating . . . Will.” His name hit the back of my throat like splinters. “Keep being with him if that’s what you want,” I said, even though my chest was screaming. “But come anyway.”
“Why?”
Because I miss you.
Because I love you.
Because I can’t play my last damn game without knowing if this thing between us still exists when we’re in the same room.
Because I need you, even if I can’t have you.
“Because it’s my last season,” I said instead. “And you promised, Luna girl. You told me once you’d be there for my last skate.”
She covered her mouth with her hand while her shoulders trembled.
“I remember,” she said finally.
I waited, hope bleeding slowly and recklessly in my chest.
“Just think about it,” I said. “Please.”
She nodded, so small I might’ve missed it if I hadn’t been watching her like my life depended on it.
“I’ll think about it,” she whispered. “I have to talk to Nova.”
“Yeah . . . you should.”
“She deserves to know. I can’t lie to her anymore, not even by omission.
I can’t sneak around with phone calls. Not after everything she’s done for me.
Not after everything I’ve kept from her.
” Her eyes flickered to the ground. “But, Dirks, there’s so much here I love.
My life, my job, my space. I’ve built something here.
And I love Nova and Ollie, and . . . I don’t know. I just— I can’t leave.”
I didn’t ask what she meant, but I had a feeling it wasn’t just about me.
And I couldn’t tell her that Austin was back in town either, not yet.
That wasn’t my story to tell. Plus, I doubted Nova would come back to Chicago anyway.
Not with the life Luna had described. Not with the fiancé and the perfect home and the peace they’d both finally found.
That was something we’d all have to face . . . later.
Luna looked straight at me, right through the screen, and said the words I hadn’t dared to imagine.
“I can’t be with Will anymore. I tried. I really did. But . . . my heart’s somewhere else.”
It was like time slowed. My throat closed, and my heart did that fucked up skip it always did when she was near, except she wasn’t. She was thousands of miles away, and I still felt it.
“I-I needed to say that,” she whispered, her fingers tightening around the edge of the blanket. “I’m gonna talk to Nova and . . . I’ll call you after.”
Just like that, she was gone. The screen dimmed, the silence loud.
I leaned back against the mattress, the ceiling above me blurred slightly, static white in a room that was too cold.
She said she couldn’t be with Will anymore.
My brain kept replaying it on a loop, like maybe if I turned it over enough times, I’d find something new buried in her tone—some hesitation, some regret. There wasn’t any.
She wasn’t saying she wanted me. Not yet, but she’d admitted she didn’t want him. That her heart was somewhere else.
Damn it if that didn’t punch a hole in me. Because I hated how good that felt.
I should’ve felt bad for how torn up she sounded, for how lost she looked. I did. Christ, I did. But I also felt this twisted, low-burning kind of hope that scared the hell out of me.
Because no one compared. Not in four years.
Not one woman had made me feel what Luna made me feel with a single, breathy laugh or tired sigh. No one had ruined me like her and somehow still held the power to heal me.
That was a dangerous kind of love. The kind that didn’t go away, no matter how hard you tried.
I dragged a hand over my face and exhaled slowly. She didn’t promise anything, but something had shifted between us. Something dormant was finally stirring.
I was going to do everything in my goddamn power to make sure Luna Pierson came home.