Chapter 30
Chapter Thirty
FINN
The moment I walk into the kitchen, I know I’m fucked.
My mom and dad sit at Wren’s kitchen island; Gus is standing opposite them, his eyes solely trained on his fiancé who is staring at the floor with her arms crossed. The atmosphere in the room is awkward enough to choke me, even from the mere twenty seconds that I’ve been in here.
Gus’s eyes meet mine and immediately look away.
“You know what, I just remembered I left something upstairs so I’m just gonna—”
Wren’s hard voice stops me leaving. “Don’t even try it.”
Shit.
I turn back slowly, giving myself more time to form a plan. In the end, however, I just decide to rip the Band-Aid off.
“Okay, then let’s address the elephant in the room,” I say, my eyes firmly locked onto my sister.
She looks at me, fury behind her eyes. “Sure. Why don’t we start with you telling us why you lied to us?”
Goddamnit, Cherry.
Here I was thinking this would be a break-up talk.
My eyes flit to my mom, who is watching me with motherly concern, and my neck heats with embarrassment.
I don’t think the possibility of my mother finding out the truth ever even occurred to me.
I think I was so determined to make it all work that I didn’t take the time to consider the consequences if it didn’t.
And it’s not that it hasn’t worked. This is a hiccup.
I’m confident that Oakleigh will realize that she was pushing me away for a reason other than the one she gave me.
I’m confident that after she does, I will have my chance to love her without restraint.
I know I will, because I saw the way she looked at me when we were lying in bed.
There was nothing dick-matized about it, she was simply falling, and that scared her.
I roll my lips together to buy myself time. I lean against the door frame and try my best to seem as if the looks of those I love isn’t killing me inside.
“I lied because I thought I was making everyone happy,” I say.
It’s time I tell the truth. Stop trying to constantly please people and just say it as it is.
I’m not perfect, I’m incredibly flawed, and it’s time I stopped trying to make sure that I fit into everyone else’s mold, allowing mine to become rusted and distorted from lack of use.
“I lied because I have this innate need to please people for fear that they’ll get rid of me if I don’t. ”
Wren’s face softens just a fraction.
With a huff, I move further into the room until I’m able to rest my forearms on the top of the island right opposite my parents.
I glance up at them and sigh. “I genuinely am sorry that I lied to you. I hope you won’t be upset with Oakleigh, because I kind of put her in this position where she couldn’t say no. ”
“But why, Finley?” my mother asks, her eyes so sad.
I shrug. “Because I’m broken.”
Wren opens her mouth to speak but I cut her off. “Before you say anything, no I’m not using that as an excuse. I’m stating facts. I am broken, but not unlovable. I think part of my problem is that I thought one went hand in hand with the other.”
No one speaks up, so I continue. “I developed OCD because my birth parents had just died in a car accident and then you, my aunt and uncle, came along and took in not just myself, but the little sister I knew it was my responsibility to look out for, just so we could avoid the foster system. I thought I needed to be perfect for you two—not a single rule broken, not a step out of place—because I knew that what you had done for us was a massive sacrifice and an even bigger responsibility. That’s how I’ve been feeling since I was five years old, and it’s absolutely no fault of your own, you guys have given us unconditional love. I put this pressure on myself.”
“So, you said you were dating Oakleigh because you wanted to be perfect?” Gus asks, his eyebrows furrowed as he tries to make sense of my words.
“In part. I said I was dating Oakleigh partly because I didn’t want you to worry, Ma.
This whole thing started out as one big, messy faux pas.
I never meant to mention the kiss Oakleigh and I shared last year, and when you asked if we were dating, I was so shocked that I did mention it that I couldn’t find the words.
Then, I tried to tell you guys that it wasn’t true, and you didn’t believe me.
That night I tossed and turned because I couldn’t find a way out of it.
And then it occurred to me that I had an opportunity; a chance to give you some relief.
I wanted you to stop thinking that I had given up on love, because I never have.
I had merely given up on being in love with anyone else. ”
“Bullshit,” Wren spits out.
“I’m not lying, Wren!” I understand her anger, really I do, but it’s starting to grate against my nerves, because if she’s this angry with me, then she’s also this angry with Oakleigh and that I’m not accepting. I soften my tone the next time I speak. “Please, don’t be mad with Cherry.”
“I am mad with Cherry.” Wren spits out my nickname for her best friend like a bad taste in her mouth.
“Well, I’m saying, don’t be. She didn’t do anything wrong, I dragged her into this.”
“I don’t care if you carried her over your shoulder and tied her hands behind her back to tie her to you, she should have told me.”
“Did you ever stop to think that maybe she never said anything because she was scared you’d react like this? The first time we told you, you weren’t particularly happy.”
“And it looks like I was right to feel that way.”
“Finn, Wren, please!” My mom’s disciplinary voice comes out to play, the one that I haven’t ever heard directed at me.
Funnily enough, it’s not causing the wave of anxiety that I expected it would.
Now that I think about it, none of this is really causing any of the negative emotions I anticipated.
The occasional intrusive thought has broken through the barrier I’ve tried to erect, but none are leading to compulsions.
It’s almost as if I can ignore them, or at least decipher the reality from the anxiety.
My mom takes a deep breath and leans on the countertop. “Finn, I understand why you did what you did, but you still lied to me. To us.”
“I understand that, and I truly am sorry that I did, Ma. But I also know that I don’t have a single regret.”
My parents and sister look surprised, and honestly, so am I. Not by what I’ve said, but the ease with which I’m saying it.
“You don’t?” my dad asks, the slightest hint of a smile tugging at his lips.
“Not really. I wish that I didn’t feel as if I had to lie. I wish my mind was normal enough—or, at least, intact enough—that I could have just told you the truth and hell, told Oakleigh the truth. The truth that I’ve been desperately in love with her since the moment I met her.”
Dad smiles, Mom’s mouth hangs open, and surprisingly, even Wren’s head whips up. Gus, as usual, remains stoic.
“Really?” Mom asks breathlessly.
I nod. “Always.”
“Then, why?” Gus asks, cool as a cucumber. “Why all of the arguments and the fighting?”
I turn to him, a knowing smile on my face. “There was a time I could have asked you the same question.”
He shrugs and makes a face. “I guess that’s a fair point.”
“Are you kidding me right now?” Wren asks her fiancé. “Gus…”
“Sweetheart…” He grabs her by the waist and pulls her close and for the first time since I left her house, I’m tempted to tell Oakleigh that three days is enough time; that three days of being broken up is more than sufficient.
Gus smiles down at my sister and tilts her head up.
“I think this is one of those times where I’m able to look at the bigger picture.
You and I both know that sometimes falling in love isn’t exactly conventional.
We fell in love through arguing. You dropped bacon grease on my foot… ”
“You did that yourself.”
“We’ll debate that one another time.” Wren sends Gus a look and he continues.
“It got to a point where we didn’t know how else to communicate, but I remember there being a moment where I wanted to tell you how beautiful you are, but I just couldn’t, because sometimes when you communicate with one person in a certain way, it’s hard to know if that’s changing for them the same way it is for you. ”
“But I—” Wren tries to wriggle out of Gus’s arms, but he holds firm.
“I’m not saying to find the humor in it right now. I’m simply saying that maybe a little more empathy would be good. Finn and Oakleigh’s story will go the way it goes just as ours did.”
Wren’s frown deepens. “But our way didn’t affect anyone else.”
“It didn’t?” Gus and I say at the same time.
My sister rolls her eyes. She turns to me, but Gus’s arms remain around her.
“For someone in love with the woman who dumped him, you don’t seem very broken up about it.”
A small smile sits on my lips. “Because I know why she did it. I’m just waiting for her to realize why.”
“She told you why,” my sister argues.
“She told me what she thought would push me furthest away. But Cherry is such a shit liar that I could see right through it. She’s scared of her feelings, and I get that.
We both spoke about why it couldn’t be real, and her reasons were just, but I think over time she began to see that I would never treat her the way those other guys did. Never.”
Wren watches me as if I’ve lost my mind, and to be honest, yes, I could be completely delusional, but I’m not giving up on Oakleigh. Wren shakes her head and pulls away from Gus before leaving to go to her room.
I hang my head as she takes any noise with her, leaving the rest of us in a heavy silence.
“I’m going to go check on her,” Gus says, not waiting for a reply before heading out after my sister.
I let my head rest on the countertop opposite my parents. The cold stone is a shock to the system at first, but I’m quickly melting into it as it begins to calm my feverish forehead.
“Finley,” Dad says, and I reluctantly lift my head. My parents look worried, their eyes glossing over me, checking every part to make sure I’m intact. “I’m not too sure what to say, son.”
His words sit uncomfortably on my chest.
“I understand if you’re mad at me,” I tell them, while also refusing to meet their eyes. “I understand if I’m a disappointment.”
“A disappointment?” My mom has sounded lost and confused so far, but now, she speaks with conviction, her words sitting on a strong foundation.
“Finley, I’m not too sure where we went wrong, but the fact that you have gone almost your whole life thinking that you need to be of value to us in order for us to love you breaks my heart.
The fact that this notion spurred you on to lie to us and pretend you’re giving us exactly what we wanted in the hopes it will take the weight off of our shoulders, is simply ludicrous…
Because of that, it is us who should be apologizing to you. ”
“What?” I lean back, the weight of what she’s saying pushing against me. “Ma, you have nothing to apologize for.”
“Yes, we do,” she argues. She stands and moves around the island to me.
Her hands find my shoulders and slide down my arms in a soothing manner until she’s squeezing my hands.
“There was so much more we could have done to show you that who you are will always be more than enough for us. It’s just as you said, your OCD developed from the trauma of losing your parents and feeling you needed to do everything to protect your sister and keep all of us happy, and that never should have been your burden to bear, baby.
Never. We should have shown you that whatever you have done in your life has been because you have been nothing but amazing, and that includes every mistake, every flaw, every moment where you have felt less than.
We love you regardless. You have nothing to prove to us, Finley.
We have always loved you unconditionally, even when you were just our nephew. ”
The sting of unshed tears dissipates as they fall one by one down my face. I haven’t even noticed my dad has moved to stand beside Mom, both of them looking at me with pride clear as day on their faces.
“Your mother has always been able to say things more eloquently than I could.” He smiles down at Mom and then back up to me, his expression becoming more serious.
“I could never see you as a disappointment, my boy. The only thing that I feel is pride when I look at you—pride that you’re finally starting to do things because they make you happy.
I have always wished that you would be a little selfish sometimes.
When you were dating—well, pretending to date, I suppose—Oakleigh, we both saw that you were finally starting to do just that.
You were going after what you wanted, whether that be the land you bought, finally going back to architecture, or, as we’re now finding out, going after the woman you love. ”
I wipe away any tears left on my face.
“You do love her, don’t you? You’re telling the truth this time?” my mom asks, hope filling her brown eyes.
I squeeze her hands and kiss her cheek. “God’s honest truth, Ma. I’ve loved that stubborn woman since the moment I laid eyes on her.”
Her eyes narrow playfully. “But you always said—”
“I know, I know!” I laugh. “But I just knew it wouldn’t be reciprocated.”
“But I always thought you disliked her,” Dad says. “Especially with why she dislikes you in the first place.”
“Yeah, that…” I rub at the back of my neck. “That wasn’t my finest moment. I just … panicked. After that it just seemed easier to let her hate me because I didn’t see myself as enough for her.”
“What are you talking about, Finn?” my mom asks.
I frown at her. “What are you talking about?”
“She never told you?”
“We had agreed it was because of how I spoke to her the first time we met.”
My parents look at one another and I wonder if finally, I’ll know the oh-so-secretive reason why my woman has steeled her heart against me.