Chapter 34
Chapter Thirty-Four
OAKLEIGH
Another day, another twenty-four hours not knowing what the hell I’m doing.
My mind is … distracted. I should be starting book two, figuring out the plot and developing new character arcs, but no. Instead, I’m snuggled on the couch with Ollie, staring blankly at the TV, which stopped playing the show I was watching ages ago.
Today is the first day in a while that I’ve had to properly take into account my feelings.
It’s been so hectic the past month, that I feel as if I haven’t even sat down for a second.
I’m already getting emails about a book tour.
Janelle keeps assuring me that things will calm down but deep down, I don’t really want them to.
I don’t want to think about how I haven’t spoken to my best friend in a month, or to the man I love.
I miss them both and each day that passes, I feel them slip further and further out of reach.
I told myself I couldn’t be with Finn because he’d either end up being a bad apple himself, or I’d end up turning him into one.
I had already gone months sticking to a promise I’d made that I wouldn’t step into anything new knowing my track record.
And yet, Finn is so far from any man on the record.
None of them were as thoughtful as him, as kind as him, as humble as him. The man is a goddamn millionaire now (and something is telling me he already was before Sam bought the company) and yet you wouldn’t hear him brag about it once.
When I think of the promise I made myself, I associate it with why I broke things off with Finn, but every time I say it to myself, it sounds wrong. It sounds like I’m making excuses. The real reason is on the tip of my tongue, and yet…
My doorbell rings and I groan. If it’s Bash again, I swear to God. He’s been visiting almost every day, and while I really appreciate the love and support, it’s a little overkill. I’m sad, but I’m still going. I don’t need a babysitter.
“Fucking Sebastian,” I mumble to myself as I shuffle over to the door with a blanket wrapped around me and covering my head.
I get the shock of my life when I open the door and Wren stands on the other side.
She looks at me and her eyes instantly glisten with tears.
“I miss my best friend,” is all she says, and it’s all she needs to say, because God, I missed mine, too.
I open up the blanket to bring her into a hug and I squeeze tightly. I inhale and take in the familiar scent of vanilla that wafts around her all the time. I snuggle into her shoulder deeper.
“I’ve missed you so much,” I tell her.
We pull apart and the tears have already started to fall down both of our faces. I usher her inside, shutting the door behind her. We flop onto the couch, Ollie happily settling himself between us.
“Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m still mad.”
“Understood,” I say earnestly.
“I just missed you too much to stay mad enough to stay away.” She looks down, embarrassed. “That and Gus really chewed me out for leaving it so long.”
“You needed time.”
She shakes her head, brown curls flying.
“I was just looking at everything wrong. Yes, I had every right to be mad at you both for lying. I was more mad at the fact that I gave you both the chance to tell me the truth, but you didn’t.
But the more I thought about it, the more I realized the position that Finn was in.
I realized that I played a part in it because he did flat-out tell us that you two weren’t dating and we just refused to believe him. ”
“You were excited.”
She nods. “So excited. Too excited, I guess. Not at the two of you being together—well, maybe a little—but more at the thought of you two being happy. That’s all I ever wanted for you both. You’re the most important people in my life.”
“And you’re one of the most important people in ours.”
She nods thoughtfully, taking it in. She shifts herself until she’s facing me and grabs my hand. “Okay, be honest with me here. Do you seriously like him?”
My smile is sad, reminiscent. “A bit more than like,” I admit.
“But?”
“But I can’t be with him.”
Wren frowns. “Why not?”
I lean back until my head hits the back of the couch. “At first, it was because we didn’t want anything to affect you if things didn’t work out. Then we realized that we had to break off the fake relationship at some point, so we kind of were going to do that anyway.”
“And now?”
“Well, look at my track record, Wren. It’s not exactly a healthy list. You remember Brandon, that guy who worked in the pharmacy?”
Wren crinkles her nose. “So glad you turned him in for stealing those meds.”
“Tony the magician?”
“In your defense, no one really expects a magician to also be a drug dealer.”
“Michael, the bartender.”
Her nose scrunches more. “Okay, yeah, I can’t back you on that one.”
I lift my hands and throw them back down onto my lap, exasperated.
Ollie looks up at me as if wondering why I’m interrupting his peace with loud noises.
“You see? My track record is shit. Which means that either they are the problem, or I am. Either way, it’s best not to find out which one with Finn, because it’ll hurt too bad. ”
“Oakleigh,” Wren admonishes. “The only thing that’s been the problem with the guys you’ve dated is that they were idiots. Everyone dates an idiot now and then. I was engaged to one, remember?”
“Yeah, but come on, eight idiots?”
“Two, eight, thirty-five, doesn’t matter! It doesn’t mean that all men are idiots. I almost let my relationship with Aaron get in the way of Gus and I, and look at what I would have missed out on. Look, I know that Finn is an idiot sometimes, but—”
“He’s not,” I say gently. Wren stays silent as I ruminate, as I find the words to describe Finn in my head that would do him justice.
“Finn isn’t an idiot. He’s stubborn, sure; annoying, God yes, and no doubt competitive.
But his heart is … unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.
He’s loyal to a fault, protective of those he cares about, and annoyingly positive.
The world gave him a pretty shitty card and yet he’s always seen that the rest of the deck is solid.
He knows he’s loved, he just never knew he was lovable.
He finds ways to make me smile all the time, even if it’s in the form of an argument.
He pays attention to the things that I like and don’t like and always surprises me with them.
He’s made mistakes when it comes to me— hell, we both have, but none of those mistakes were made with malicious intent. ”
Wren smiles at me, proud and supporting. I’m most likely rambling, but nothing I’m saying is a lie.
“He keeps cherry lip glosses for me for whenever I run out. He makes sure I get to and from work safely, because he knows I’m always exhausted.
He brings me cherry pie, just because. He took me to a goddamn cherry festival, just because, and he’s been so supportive of me wanting to be a writer.
He’s everything I could have ever wanted in a man, and that scares the shit out of me, which is exactly why I ended things, because if I’m this in love with him now and it only grows down the line, what will happen when he gets bored of me like the others did? What will happen when he—”
The last word chokes me, gets stuck in my throat with its sour meaning and bitter implication.
Wren leans closer. “When he what?” she asks softly.
I look up at her with wide, tear-filled eyes. “When he leaves.”
Holy shit.
Holy. Shit.
I don’t want you to wait.
That’s exactly why I’ll do it.
He knew. He knew exactly why I was distancing myself from him. He could see it on me so clearly, like a beacon in the darkness and he told me exactly what he thought of it.
That’s exactly why I’ll do it.
“When he leaves?” Wren asks in disbelief, but her voice sounds like it’s a million miles away. “Lee, the man has been in love with you since we were fifteen, and you think he’s going to get bored and leave?”
I’ve been so stupid. Wren is right, why the hell was I letting my insecurities fuel such a useless thought when the evidence against it was so clear in front of me?
Without even wasting a second, I’m up and racing toward the front door.
“Wait, Oakleigh!”
I turn to face my best friend. “I have to go.”
Her laugh is light and filled with amusement. “I know you do, but you gotta get changed first. You look like shit.”
* * *
Wren offers to drive since she knows exactly where her brother is. The entire journey over to Eaglewood, I’m a chaotic bundle of nerves, leg bouncing, teeth chattering, fingers tapping. I’m anxious, excited, and confused all at once.
I become even more confused when we end up driving past Goldleaf Farm, further down the road until we reach another dirt road that leads to a wide patch of land that looks like it could hold at least five football fields.
There’s a large concrete foundation at the beginning of the land, and in front of it, the rest of our group of friends lounges on the grass, drinking beers and conversing lightly.
I barely wait for Wren to put the car in park before I’m out of it, ignoring her protests completely.
It’s Sam who spots me first, a knowing smile tugging at his lips.
“New bet!” he yells, causing everyone except the one man I’m here to see to turn and spot me marching over. Finn remains in the one sun chair that sits directly in front of the foundation. He’s slumped in it so that he rests his head against the back, his eyes closed.
“Oh, I am so in,” Bash smiles, blowing me a kiss.
Raze, the newest addition, lifts his head from where he’s lying on his back. He smiles and looks over at Finn.
“Hey, boss. You might want to get in on this one.”
“What makes you think that?” Finn asks, and my steps falter at the sound of his deep, mellow voice. God, I’ve missed it.
He looks over at Raze who flicks his head toward me.
Finn looks back and sees me standing behind him. His eyes widen like crazy and he’s not graceful at all when he gets up.
“Cherry,” he breathes. “You’re … you’re here.”
“Can we talk?” I ask.
He looks around at our friends before nodding and motioning over to a tree that’s off to the side.
I hesitate. “You going to let me walk to the tree this time?”
His lips twitch. “I’m more than happy to carry you over if that’s what you want.”
I follow him over to the base of the tree, a gorgeous willow that provides some much-needed shade from the unrelenting sun.
His eyes are darting everywhere, as if he’s doing a safety check on me to make sure I’m physically intact. From my head to my feet, he inspects, and I let him. I let him prove that the thought probably racing through his head is wrong, whatever it’s telling him.
After a while he asks, “How are you?”
I nod awkwardly, all of my adrenaline from earlier slowly dissipating.
“What did you want to talk about?” he asks.
I take a deep breath, giving myself an extra few seconds to find the right words.
“I’m afraid that you’ll leave,” I say. Instantly, he frowns and open his mouth, but I hold out a hand to stop him.
“No, just let me get this out.” His mouth closes and externally, I see nothing but patience.
His eyes tell a different story, though.
“That’s the real reason; why I ended things, I mean.
I did it because I’m scared that you’ll get bored and you’ll leave me.
Usually, I wouldn’t care that much. I know I’d get over it.
But I was so scared, Finn, because I knew that this time I wouldn’t survive.
I knew that I would crumble into nothing, because this time my feelings were more than just a small infatuation.
This time, I’m so in love that it hurts sometimes and it brings waves of fear that make me want to run and hide.
“I know that it isn’t logical. I know that, because you’ve felt the same way since we were teenagers and you never once wavered …
I think. Even if you did, you were there.
You’ve always been there, and that month we had made me see that you were so much more than what I thought.
You’re just … you. I didn’t think I could keep the interest of someone like you. ”
His eyes darken at that last part and his frown becomes intimidating, as if I’ve disrespected him in the worst way.
“Oakleigh—” He stops himself and turns away from me, tilting his head back to look at the drooping branches above us and run a hand over his face.
When he turns back, his eyes are bright and wild.
“Oakleigh, do you not see that if lying was the only way to get me to where we are now, then I would do it a hundred times over? If living in agony for years, pretending that I am not obsessed with your every word, your every sound, your every goddamn breath is what I had to do in every lifetime to get me to now, then so be it. When are you going to understand that I don’t care how we got here, not when I now get to tell you that you make me see how bright the sun is and that you make me feel like savoring every breath.
My OCD is an obstacle I will gladly face, because my reward for fighting every day is that I get to look at you and love you, take care of you and worship you. ”
I’m left speechless, completely unsure of what I can say next that can encapsulate what his words make me feel.
He steps forward, cupping my face in his hands firmly but with so much care.
“I always imagined the way in which I would tell you that I love you.” My heart stops, but my mind clings to every word as Finn continues.
“For fifteen years, I’ve planned it out, time and time again, and I don’t think any scenario was wrong, and yet here I am trying to tell you and the words seem to be so far from good enough.
Strong enough. But now I’m at a point where I no longer want to simply tell you that I love you; not when I’ve spent fifteen years trying not to show you. ”
I smile up at him, tears blurring my vision. “Then show me, and I’ll do everything I can to show you.”
“Deal.” His smile matches mine as he leans down, and I feel it against my lips as he kisses me, firmly, possessively.
There’s cheering behind us, and I have no choice but to pull away from Finn and laugh, before my lips find his once more and I make sure not to hide a single thing.
Not my love and not my fear, because Finn will love both regardless.
When he pulls away, his forehead stays pressed against mine.
“Oh, and before I forget,” I say before giving him another brief kiss. “You’re completely out of the zone.”
His laugh rumbles against my chest and my lips. “Cherry, you’ve never been in the zone. Not for a single second.”