Chapter 23
CHAPTER 23
SAVANNAH HOLLINGSWORTH
I change into my pajamas, which consist of a faded Simpson’s t-shirt I’ve had since I was eighteen and a pair of boxer shorts. They’re the most comfortable things I own. I climb into bed, only to climb back out and search for my bottle of ibuprofen in my suitcase. I didn’t mean to ugly cry after Kiki’s proposal. It was beautiful and lovely, and it made me so devastatingly sad. All that crying gave me a headache.
Noah tried to comfort me, but he doesn’t understand that his warm hugs and gentle caresses just torture me even more. I’m sure he has no idea why I’m jealous of Kiki. After I told him I was jealous, he didn’t say much.
I slip back into bed and turn off the light. The gentle rocking of the boat feels good to me, but I don’t fall asleep. Instead, I lie awake and listen to the sounds of Noah snoring in the room next to mine.
He’s not snoring obnoxiously. It’s soft and deep and makes me want to be near him. To snuggle up to him and feel safe in his arms.
I hug my pillow and allow myself to wonder what life would be like with Noah by my side. He’s such a kind soul. Compassionate. But how would he handle my condition? My father’s words come back to me.
I never signed up for this, Lily.
He shouted these words at my mother after my diagnosis. He was so angry . The cancer did not bring us together as a family. It just widened the gap between us. It shattered our lives.
Would Noah be angry, like my father, after years of financial ruin and pain? Could I stand to watch what happened to my parents happen to us? I know the answer. I would rather live alone the rest of my life than have Noah end up hating me.
I close my eyes, determined to get some sleep. I need to stop thinking about the future. It’s so bleak. Whatever happens will happen. I sigh and roll over. I command my body to sleep, but a low cry comes from next door and reverberates through the wall. I sit up in bed. Was that Noah?
Another cry sounds, louder this time, and I jump out of bed, my heart pounding. Something’s wrong. I’ve never heard Noah make that sound before. It sounds like he’s in pain.
“No!” he calls out.
I leave my cabin and rush to his door. My hands shake as I try the door handle. It’s unlocked, and I let myself in. Noah thrashes around in his bed, a groaning sound in the back of his throat. I rush to him before I realize he’s shirtless. Dear heavens, he’s shirtless. I stare down at his muscles. He’s wearing grey sweatpants, his legs tangled in the sheets. He lets out a cry, and I quickly sit next to him.
“Noah.” I shake his shoulder. His skin is hot, and zings of electricity shoot through my fingers. “You’re having a nightmare.”
He jolts upright, his chest rising and falling with rapid breaths, his abs tight. Sweat dots his brow, and his gaze darts around his cabin until it lands on me. He takes in gulps of air, then drags a hand over his hair. “Savannah?”
“You were having a nightmare.”
“Oh.” Noah cringes and scrubs his hands over his face. “Did I wake you? I’m sorry.”
“No. I was awake.” I stare at him as he catches his breath. I knew Noah was ripped, but holy cannoli, he’s got muscles on top of muscles. It’s distracting me. And why in the heck hasn’t he told me he has a tattoo on his chest? They’re roman numerals, and I wonder what they mean.
I force myself to look at his face. “Are you okay? You sounded terrified.”
He lowers his head. “Yeah, I’m okay. Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.”
I put my hand on his bare arm, my attraction to him crackling beneath the surface. “What were you dreaming about?”
“A car crash,” he says, his voice so low I barely hear him.
“A car crash?” I don’t understand at first, but when Noah shudders, I get it. “Your parent’s car crash?”
Noah nods and exhales. “Yeah.”
“Oh, Noah.” I don’t know why I didn’t see it before now. He told me he blamed himself when they died. He was just a teenager. I had no idea why he would. But the truth stabs through me. It crushes me—smothers me, and my heart breaks. “Were you in the car when it happened?”
He wipes his face again. “Yeah.”
I pull him close, wrapping my arms around him. He clings to me, nuzzling his face into my neck. He trembles. I hold him close as the boat gently rocks us back and forth. We stay like that for a long time, until his trembling stops.
“I’m sorry, Noah. I didn’t know.”
He pulls back. “That’s my fault. It’s difficult to talk about.”
“Do you have nightmares often?”
“I used to get them all the time. They don’t come as frequently as they used to.” The moonlight from the porthole shines on his skin, giving him an ethereal glow.
“Do you want to talk about it?” I ask gently.
Noah closes his eyes for a moment, and his hands tighten into fists. “The dream always starts with a memory. I’m begging my parents to take me to the mainland so I can get the newest book in the Ravenwood Files series. The author’s doing a book signing on the mainland, just forty-five minutes from Willow Shade.”
I place my hand on one of his fists. He relaxes it and takes my hand in his. “After I beg enough, my parents decide to pull me out of school. The dream then jumps to the accident. We’re driving to the bookstore, on the highway. It’s one o’clock in the afternoon, but it doesn’t matter. The other driver is drunk and crosses over into our lane.
“Then everything slows down and I see the crash happen in slow motion. Metal twists and bends. The books I brought to get signed go flying. Glass breaks and flies everywhere. I hear my mother’s screams.” He pinches the bridge of his nose. “Her screams haunt me.”
I pull his hand up to my lips and softly kiss his knuckles. I have no words to say. I see the pain etched in his expression, but I can’t make it go away. All I know is that he’s hurting, and I don’t know what to say or do to make it better. “Go on,” I finally say softly. “It’s okay. I’m here.”
“The dream doesn’t have an ending. I’m trapped in that horrible car crash until I can make myself wake up.” He takes in a shaky breath. “Sometimes it seems like an eternity until I can get away from it.”
He meets my gaze. “But even after I wake up, I can’t get away from the guilt. If I hadn’t insisted?—”
“No,” I interrupt, putting a finger on his lips, the contact making my heart do crazy things in my chest. “It wasn’t your fault. You were just a kid. Don’t take this guilt on.”
I pull my finger away and stare at him. I had no idea Noah used to be a reader. I’ve never seen him with a book, so I wonder if it’s too painful now. If he gave it up.
He rakes a hand over his hair, which doesn’t help. He still has bedhead. “I know this logically. I’ve told the same thing to myself millions of times. But it’s really hard to not feel like it was my fault.”
I reach out and tenderly touch the roman numerals on his chest. “Is this the date they died?”
He nods, dropping his gaze. “Yeah.”
“I can’t imagine how the whole thing must haunt you. But this does not define you.” I lift his chin so he will look at me. “You are a kind, brave, and fiercely loyal person. Your parents would be so proud of the man you’ve become.” I correct my sentence. “They are proud. I know it.”
His eyes shine glossy, and he blinks back tears. “Thank you for saying that.”
“I mean every word.”
He exhales. “Thanks for coming over. I needed someone to get me out of that car,” he says, his voice breaking.
“Are you okay? Will you be able to sleep?”
He rubs the back of his neck. “I don’t usually get back to sleep after one of my nightmares, but I’ll be okay. You can go back to bed.”
I stare at him, bathed in moonlight, sweat still on his forehead. I don’t want to go back to my cabin. I want to stay at least a little while with him. I have no right to. I shouldn’t want it. But I can’t help it. He’s been such a rock for me. My everything. I can’t leave him alone to think about the past, trembling and frightened.
My heart speeds up. “I can stay for a little while. Just until you feel better.”
Noah clenches his jaw, and his gaze travels over me. “You don’t have to stay.”
“It’s not a big deal. I want to be here with you… for a little while.”
Noah’s gaze darkens. “Savannah…”
I touch his hand. “You survived something unimaginable. And I know the nightmares must make you feel like you’re still trapped in that moment, but you’re not. You’ve made it past that. And you’re not alone. I don’t want you to feel alone.” I settle in beside him, pulling a pillow under my head, curling up, facing him. “I’ll stay just until you fall back asleep. As a friend,” I tack on, just so he doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Noah climbs under the covers and gets comfortable next to me. His gaze travels over my face. “Thanks, Savannah.”
“Of course.”