Chapter 7
THE WEDDING WOLVES
Tim
IMPORTANT WEDDING QUESTION.
Tim
Gage. What’s your manscaping routine?
Gage
No.
Tim
That’s not an answer. This is about Amelia’s wedding night experience. Grooming is love. Do you use The Lawn Mower? Because apparently 62% of men groom, and I refuse to let you be in the bottom percentile on your wedding day.
Colin
Jesus, Tim. Maybe let him keep one thing private.
Tim
Absolutely not. Privacy is for people not marrying our sister. This is a group effort. Also, The Lawn Mower comes in tuxedo black. It’s giving masculine precision engineering. I feel like Gage would respect that.
Marin
Wait. The Lawn Mower? Is this a gardening metaphor or an actual product?
Tim
It’s for the groin region, Marin. Waterproof. Cordless. Ceramic blades for reduced nicks. Honestly, this is sacred masculine hygiene technology.
Marin
*Googles it.*
Marin
OH MY GODDESS. Yes. Grooming is an act of devotion. Amelia deserves intentional smoothness. It’s giving Venus offering. I approve.
Colin
Of all the things to worry about for this wedding, his balls aren’t one of them.
Tim
You’d think so, but I’ve seen too much. Men get lazy. Women suffer. I’m protecting her from pubic betrayal.
Marin
I’m sorry, pubic betrayal??? Tim. I’m adding that phrase to my hex vocabulary.
Tim
Do it. Also, Gage, do you shape it? Fade it? Is it like your beard situation down there? Controlled feral?
Gage
No.
Tim
That’s not a direct answer and I am unsatisfied. Do you manscape by moon phase or by whatever feral alpha aesthetic you’re manifesting that week? Because this is your wedding night. You can’t show up looking like 1976 down there.
Colin
Tim. Boundaries. You don’t need to know everything to love him.
Tim
I do when it comes to Amelia’s well-being. This is selfless sibling love disguised as invasive curiosity. Also, I’m ordering him a Lawn Mower as a wedding gift. Engraved: “For her comfort. For our peace.”
Marin
I support this. Get him the ball toner too. Manscaping is holistic. Pleasure deserves preparation.
Colin
This is Gage. You really think he doesn’t already have this handled?
Gage
If that arrives at my house, it will be destroyed.
Tim
That’s fine. Fire is cleansing. Just make sure the ashes don’t end up on your balls.
Amelia
Oh my god. Leave his balls alone. They’re perfect.
Tim
AND THAT, LADIES, IS WHY WE ALL NEED AN AMELIA IN OUR LIVES.
Marin
It’s giving devotion. No notes.
Colin
I’m muting this chat. Permanently.
Gage
Do it. I encourage it.