12. CJ
CJ
After Eli falls asleep on my shoulder, I can’t bring myself to wake him. I know he needs the sleep; The shadows beneath his eyes make that obvious.
A tight ache settles beneath my ribs. Seeing him finally at rest feels like holding something fragile in my hands.
Every night since he arrived, I hear him wake. Hear the screams. The panic tearing through the walls. More than once, I’ve stood outside his bedroom door with my hand on the handle, wanting to go in, pull him against me, and hold him until whatever haunts him stops breathing.
My fingers would shake every time. The urge to cross the threshold battling with the fear of pushing him too far.
I never do.
Instead, I sit on the cold floor outside his room until pain bites into my back, refusing to move. Being close is the only thing that feels right. I hear him sob. Hear him beg it to stop, and there’s not a damn thing I can do. Every plea feels like a punch I can’t block.
So I stay anyway. Night after night.
The only thing I can give him is my presence, even if he never knows it’s there. I tell myself I’m a barrier between him and whatever follows him into sleep. It’s a lie, but it’s one I cling to. It keeps me from breaking. If I can’t stop the nightmares, I can at least stand in front of them.
I mute the television and watch the flickering light spill across the room while Eli sleeps against me. His scent drifts up with every breath: Soap, wood, spice, and something deeper underneath that’s just him.
God help me, this is becoming dangerous.
I shift slightly onto my side, and Eli follows without waking. The movement steals the air right out of my lungs. His trust is unconscious, instinctive, and it hits me like a physical blow.
I go still. He inches closer anyway, his nose brushing my chest before he settles in completely, his face tucked against my neck like it’s where he’s always belonged.
Heat spreads across my chest. I tighten my hold before I can stop myself. He fits against me too easily, like the shape was already there waiting. On the bike. In my space. In the quiet parts of my life I don’t usually let anyone near.
It feels less like he arrived, and more like he was always meant to be here.
Today has been good. Really good. Eli opened up to me a little, not enough to explain everything, but enough to show me trust is starting to form beneath the cracks. He let pieces slip. Small truths he didn’t mean to give away.
Eli doesn’t know it, but Deck and I are keeping watch for Adrian. Eli needs space and time to heal without worrying about the monster that is hunting him. So we watch, and we wait.
I close my eyes and breathe him in while colors from the TV wash over the room. And then it hits, hard, sudden, clean.
My heart isn’t just involved anymore. It’s gone.
The realization lands brutal and absolute.
I don’t fight it. I couldn’t even if I tried.
Somewhere between his quiet smiles, his nervous laugh, the way he looks away like he’s apologizing for existing, and now this, his leg draped over mine, his arm around my waist, his breath warm against my neck, this beautiful, broken man worked his way under my skin and never left.
I close my eyes again and let myself drift with that truth sitting quietly in my chest.
* * *
I wake with Eli sprawled on top of me, wrapped around me like a koala. His soft breath brushes against my skin, making my cock harden between us. I go still, every muscle tight. The reaction is instant, uncontrollable.
Fuck.
Carefully, I try to shift just enough to give us both a little space, and fail. Eli tightens his grip instinctively, like even in sleep he refuses to let go. A small, unwilling smile tugs at my mouth. Of course he does.
Then, he stills.
I feel it immediately, the subtle shift from sleep to awareness.
He’s awake. I glance down as he looks up at me.
“Morning,” he mumbles, his voice rough with sleep but soft around the edges.
Realization lands a second later, slow, then all at once. Exactly where he’s ended up, how close he is, and how hard I am beneath him.
His breath stutters. Mine does too. The air between us thickens.
His hold doesn’t loosen straight away. It lingers between instinct and awareness. I keep my voice low and even. “Morning.”
His eyes are close enough that I can see the gold flecks hidden in them, and for a moment, neither of us moves. Then he lowers his head back onto my chest like he has no intention of getting up. Honestly, neither do I, so we stay like that. I don’t dare move, afraid the moment will break.
Then I feel him tensing slightly.
“Stop thinking,” I say quietly. “I can practically hear it from here.”
A soft snort of laughter escapes him. “Sorry.”
He pushes himself upright, looking down at me. His hair is a mess in every direction, his eyes soft with something that holds me still longer than it should. The sight pulls a warmth through me I’m not ready to name.
I smile and take his hand before I think better of it. “How about coffee, shower, breakfast, and then work?” I pause. “Or we stay home for the day.”
“Work,” he says immediately, already starting to climb off me.
I nod, but I catch his hand, keeping him there a second longer. He pauses mid-movement, still half-straddled over my lap.
“Thank you, Eli.”
His expression shifts, softer now, cautious. “For what?”
“For opening up yesterday. For trusting me.” The words come easily because I mean every single one. “The trust you gave me means a lot. I won’t break it. You have my word.”
A small smile tugs at his mouth. “That’s awfully serious for first thing in the morning, CJ.”
I shrug slightly. “Doesn’t make it any less true.”
His smile lingers. “Thank you.” Then his gaze drops to our joined hands. “My head keeps telling me not to trust you.”
The words land sharp. My stomach tightens, waiting for the part that matters. He just watches me, so I ask, “But…”
His lips break into a soft, sleep-filled smile, and he blinks slowly. “…My heart thinks I can.”
My breath stops completely. The room feels too small, too quiet, too full of him.
Then his hand slips from mine, and he’s gone. I stay there a moment longer, staring at the space he left behind.
Yeah, Baby Boy. You can trust me. The thought settles heavy and certain in my chest.
* * *
I walk Eli to his desk just outside my office. As my EA, he sits close enough to hear me call him, though I rarely do. I can usually find him because Finn is already sitting beside him; The man has basically claimed the spare chair as his permanent residence.
“Morning, Eli,” Finn says, flopping down into the seat.
“Morning, Finn.”
Finn immediately leans sideways and peers into my office. “Morning, Dad!”
“Fuck off, Finn.”
I hear Deck burst out laughing from his office. I glance at Eli, and he looks just as horrified as I am. I try to hide my smile, but fail miserably.
When mid-morning arrives, I step out of my office and lean against Eli’s desk. “Quick coffee run?”
He looks up immediately. “Oh my god, yes please.”
We stand and head for the door. Behind us, Deck and Finn call out in unison:
“Flat white!” “Long black!”
I don’t even bother turning around. They have perfectly functioning legs; they can get their own fucking coffee. Eli, however, has other ideas.
“I’ll bring back muffins as well!”
“Love you!” Finn shouts, his laughter following us out the door.
Eli smiles more now. Laughs more, too. The shadows beneath his eyes are still there, but they’ve softened.
He’s sleeping through the night more often.
The fear is still present; I catch it in the way he freezes sometimes, in the moments when something drags him back into memories he’d rather forget, but it doesn’t own every second of his life anymore.
Finn pulls laughter out of him like it’s effortless. If I’m being honest, it pisses me off a little. No, more than that.
Jealousy burns low and sharp. I hate how easily it shows up. I want to be the one to make him laugh. Me. Not Finn. Not Deck. Me. The realization should concern me, but I accept it. As we walk, I watch his whole face light up at something on his phone.
My chest warms as I settle back at my desk, coffee hot in my hand, a muffin on a plate, as I let my thoughts wander. That smile is my favorite thing in the world, no fear, no ghosts, no distance. Just the moments when he forgets to be afraid.
I realize as I watch him that I’ve started measuring the success of my day by how often he looks happy.
I find myself hoping for another smile, and another, like a compulsion I’m not bothering to fight anymore.
I want more of Eli. I’m not just falling for him; I’m starting to need his happiness almost as much as my own.
The truth scares me. Needing someone has never been safe.
Wanting Eli wasn’t the problem. That stopped being the problem weeks ago. Holding him last night had felt like heaven, and letting him go this morning had nearly killed me. The problem was timing. Eli was still learning how to breathe without fear, still figuring out who he was outside survival.
I know where the line is. I also know how thin it’s becoming.
Wanting him wasn’t wrong. Taking something before he was ready would be. The hard part was knowing whether he was ready, and I wasn’t sure I trusted myself with how easy it felt.
But that didn’t stop me from noticing things.
Eli biting his lower lip when he concentrates. The way he catches his snakebite piercings between his teeth when he’s thinking. The way he licks his lips when he reads…
Heat spreads through me, hard and fast.
“FUCK.”
The word slips out before I can stop it. I push back from my desk, turning away quickly to adjust myself. My body has apparently decided today is the day it stops cooperating, and right on cue, the door opens and Eli walks in.
“You okay, CJ?”
“Yeah. I’m fine,” I croak. “Just… hit my knee.”
My pulse races as I pray he didn’t notice anything. The look he gives me tells me he doesn’t believe a single word.
“What do you need, Eli?”
His head tilts slightly. “I just noticed something.”
“What’s that?”
“You’ve been staring at your computer for the last five minutes.”
“I have not.” I turn back to him, my dick barely behaving, tucked into my waistband.
“You have,” he says, stepping further into the office. “I wanted to make sure you were okay. Do you need help with something, CJ?”
I almost lose my fucking mind right there. Yeah, Eli. I need help.
He slowly runs his eyes down my body, and my breath stutters. He brings his gaze back up to mine, his eyes sparkling with something playful and sharp.
“Sure?”
“Yeah.” My voice comes out far less convincing than I’d like.
Eli turns toward the door, then pauses, looking back over his shoulder. “CJ?”
“Yeah?”
A sly smile stretches across his lips. “You know, I can help with… whatever it is, right?”
He turns and walks out, closing the door behind him.
My mind blanks. My pulse pounds against my ribs.
Eli just flirted with me.
Holy shit.