19
NEW YEAR NEW CHOICES
I spent longer with my parents than originally planned. I welcomed in the New Year with them, after Brie and James had gone home following our family Christmas.
I had returned to work and was meeting Ivy this weekend for our girls day, the first one of the new year and the first time seeing her after the Christmas Day chaos. She knew something was going on. Just like the last couple of times we had met, I was quieter than usual, but not just in person now. I replied to her messages when they arrived, but when it came to her calls I sent them to voicemail as I didn’t want to talk to anyone right now. I knew I would break. But I didn’t want my situationship with Nate to ruin the real friendship I had with Ivy. So I forced myself to still meet up and prayed that, when I saw her, I was able to make sure she was the centre of attention, despite the topic being Nate.
The moment she saw me she apologised for Christmas, once again, which I shrugged off, before she asked about Boxing Day with my parents. I couldn’t exactly tell her the whole truth, that I’d got pissed after a ‘break up’ from my secret situation with Nate, drowned my emotions, got sarcastic comments from my sister, then cried myself to sleep after a very real and emotional conversation with her brother. The man I had fallen in love with, letting me down in the gentlest way he knew how.
So, instead I settled for “Yeah, it was okay, same as usual.” That was the best I could give her without bursting into tears.
“Brie?” she asked and I chuckled, nodding at the usual conversations that were the reason for any drama at my family events. Ivy knew all about Brie and her belittling by now. I had to return the favour and check in with her after the explosion at Christmas dinner that I had witnessed.
“How are you doing since yours?” I asked her, remembering how upset she had gotten.
“Erm, Mum's pissed at Dad, so they didn’t go on holiday. Nate won't spend time with us anymore. He won’t answer any of our calls, just when he was trying to come back.” Her eyes glazed over. “I'm kind of worried he's gone back to his old ways, getting drunk in a bar and making dumb choices,” she confessed. I think since I had now witnessed the situation first hand, she could finally openly talk about it.
“Dumb choices?” I asked curiously, trying not to pry but I cared about Nate and if he was in harm’s way I needed to know.
“Reliving his teen years, drinking, partying, women.” The last word shoved a knife in my heart and it took every ounce of self-control not to react. “That’s how he used to cope. As you saw, him and my Dad would argue a lot. This was his coping method when Dad made him feel like shit or worse. He would try to numb the pain; with women and alcohol and sometimes… narcotics. He would try and feel better by losing himself. My Dad would then step in and pull him from going too far. It’s kind of twisted.” The conversation between Nate and his Dad was making sense now. “I shouldn’t even tell you this but I have no one else to talk to. Mum doesn’t know about Nate’s narcotic episodes, I’m mad at Dad and Jude is away for work again”
All of this was swirling around my head…narcotic episodes!? What the fuck did that even mean? My heart sank at the thought of him getting intoxicated, paying attention to other women, potentially taking the odd drug fix or two to keep the party going. Did he do it until the point of blackouts, hospital visits, or worse, the brink of death? How far is too far before his Dad eventually stepped in?
Questions flew around my head so fast that I felt sick. Was this why he called me on Boxing Day? For me to save him? My anxiety was bubbling up inside and I wanted to confess everything right here and now if that meant Nate would be safe.
“And what about the fighting?” I asked her and she looked at me, confused as to why I was suddenly more interested. “You told me he got into a lot of fights. Was that something that happened during his episodes?”
Ivy nodded before looking into her coffee. Despite mine and Nate’s distance right now, I cared deeply about him. Thinking about this man that I loved, hurting, putting himself on a path of destruction tore me up inside, but I couldn’t do anything.
Did I really want to make this another problem in the long list of my own issues? No, my focus was Ivy. Nate was a grown ass man and if he wanted to act like a child that was his choice. Right? He knows right from wrong Gigi, he’s a lawyer for fuck sakes. My blood boiled that he could do this, to himself, to Ivy, to me.
“Ivy, I'm here if you need me, okay?” She nodded, reaching for my hand across the coffee table. We were at our usual Starbucks, just a short walk from the tube station. It was busy for a Saturday lunchtime but was the perfect spot. We always used to meet for coffees and chats when life got busy. It was to the point that my caramel latte was regularly recognised by more than one member of staff, that we didn’t even have to ask for it.
“I'm sorry that I embarrassed you too, your dating life is your business” she finally spoke up.
“About that, I want you to set me up.” I smiled, ready to give in. I clearly couldn’t find, let alone keep a man when I had him. And who knows, it could be fun. Ivy knew me better than anyone so I trusted her with this process. Plus, a new year, a new start and plenty of resolutions to break; might as well start with making a good choice. This also gave her something to focus on other than worrying about Nate.
And that’s when a slight feeling of guilt washed over me at the thought of actually moving on. I needed to get over him and this way I could actually open up to my best friend about dating crap.
“I'm done with meaningless things. I want something like you and Jude have.” I swallowed the lump in my throat, knowing deep down I did want what Jude and Ivy had but not with someone else, with Nate. Ivy couldn’t contain her excitement.
“Zak has been asking about you since the engagement party, he wants to get to know you.” It was like she’d wanted this all along. I wondered how much her and Jude had spoken about me to Zak. It kind of hit a nerve that my sister was right after all. I did need help being set up, it clearly wasn’t something I could do for myself.
She called Jude in front of me. “Jude… Text Zak and tell him a date is happening!” She squealed before hanging up. She snatched her car keys off the side and shooed me out of the coffee store. "Dress shopping now! It’s on me!" I put on my biggest fake smile and played along, but inside all I felt was numb.
For the rest of the afternoon, I allowed Ivy to style me, dress, accessories, hair and make-up as if I was one of her barbie dolls. I was Ivy’s project for this date, so I let her have fun. She told me a bit about Zak while she fussed around me. Jude had spoken a lot about his childhood friend and Ivy had hung out with him quite a bit too. She wouldn’t set me up to fail.
Still, the only thing on my mind was Nate, I wished he wasn’t but I couldn’t control it. I wished it was a date with him, that I was getting myself dressed up for him, not some innocent bystander who is sure to be a casualty of this train wreck. He was interested in me but I wasn't interested in him.
Pretty ironic huh?