25
MAKING IT UP TO YOU
I tried to keep myself as busy as possible, to try to avoid the turmoil in my life. I’d had multiple meetings with the company lawyers in the last few days about the new case that had been brought forward, and I was now under an internal investigation over the claims Mr Cato had made. Angelina sat in on all of those, it was nice to know she supported and believed me and so did the company. These were the cards we had been dealt and we needed to follow procedure.
I had made every excuse not to see Ivy as I didn’t know how to explain the whole situation. Plus, I didn’t know if Nate mentioned work to her. Since they made up they had promised to meet each other every week for coffee or dinner.
A few weeks ago, at the end of February, Nate returned home from meeting up with Ivy to make amends and move forward after the drama at Christmas. He’d thanked me for the encouragement to reach out to her. He said it was nice that they had spoken about what had happened. Nate had been a bit of a mess over Christmas because of Mark but he didn’t want his relationship with his Dad to get in the way of spending time with his Mum and sister.
Ivy had called me the following day after she had met Nate, after he left for work, to talk it all out. She expressed that Nate was okay, the drinking had started but that was all. He just wanted to numb the pain from his dad’s words but he was safe and she could stop worrying. She told me he wanted to meet up regularly and her excitement made my heart melt. Nate had promised that nothing would pull them apart and that he would try harder to be in her life.
During our call that day, She expressed her concern about the wedding, that them being in the same room was inevitable, and that she needed to come up with a plan so the two men she loved could put their differences aside and celebrate her day with her, with no tension. I reassured her that we would solve it, that we still had months to go and who knows maybe the space between Nate and Mark will do them some good. But her spirits were raised.
I just wish I could have told her Nate was safe before this, it would have saved her the worry but I guess it all worked out in the end. They both seemed in a better place.
I missed Ivy more than anything and I wanted to see her, to cry, to spill everything and admit to the one person I relied on most that I was mentally struggling with the Cato situation more than I wanted to admit. I trusted Ivy with my life but I also had to protect myself and my job right now. Not being able to discuss the events of the sexual harassment with anyone made everything more difficult. Now that it had come to light after it had taken me a couple of years to come to terms with, I was struggling. I confided in Angelina, as she was the only one who knew but it wasn’t the same, I couldn’t tell her how I was really feeling it, it was the surface level of how I was doing. I wished at that moment that I had come clean to Ivy years ago when it happened, or spoken to my Mum at the time. But now the case was resting on this onepiece of surprise evidence. I couldn’t tell a soul and that messed with me mentally.
After I left the office today, Nate had tried to call and text me when I hadn’t returned to his place that evening, after he’d given me the Cato file. He had called round my place to check on me and got worried when there was no answer. I sent him a text saying I was going to stay with my parents for a few days and thankfully, he gave me some space, telling me to reach out to him when I was ready. Over a week had passed and I hadn’t yet. I was scared that if I did, the anger would surface again and I’d say something I would regret. Or I would fuck everything and confess the one thing I couldn’t tell him no matter how much I wanted to. But the excuses were wearing thin and I could sense that Nate knew this.
It was Friday evening and I had gone straight home from work. Ivy had surprised me with a phone call, as I had cancelled our monthly get together but a call would suffice. I welcomed the distraction as we had a laugh. Discussing her wedding plans, asked how I was doing and all I could tell her was I was fine, things were good, completely far from the truth. I was fine when I was busy working or having phone calls with Ivy, but when I was alone the feelings consumed me, I cried, and sometimes the thoughts surfaced so much that the food in my stomach forced its way out. I wanted this to be over. There was a small knock on my door which startled me, I wasn’t expecting anyone. In a way I was thankful as I was done talking to Ivy and now, I had an excuse to end the call. I was greeted by a huge bouquet of red roses covering my suitor.
“I know you said you needed space but I needed to make sure you were still alive” he playfully teased as he removed the flowers from his face so I could see his concerned expression. I folded my arms across my chest, keeping myself shielded, something I did when I was mad and needed to protect myself. He held out the flowers and I sighed, reaching out to take them. They were beautiful and looked expensive. That was Nate; expensive apology gifts. Something I would never get used to and, in a way, I didn’t want to. No amount of money would make up for the shitty situations we seemed to fall into. He can’t buy me. I walked to the kitchen to find a vase leaving the door open as an invitation for him to come in. I couldn’t put this off any longer, not if he would start showing up at my door daily.
“Oh, I’m alive… you don’t need to worry about that.” I shot him daggers, as I placed the arrangement in a large bowl vase as he stepped inside, closing the door behind him.
“You're avoiding me,” he stated, a tinge of guilt pulled at my heart.
“Something like that,” I whispered, as I fiddled with the flowers, not wanting to meet his eyes.
“You still taking that client?” I asked, not sure what else to say. I needed to know what decision he was going to make. He didn’t answer until I met his eyes and he ran his hands over his face, frustrated that this was going to be the topic of the evening.
“You really need the answer?” he asked, and I nodded. “Yes, I am. But I don’t want to, as I know it’s going to hurt you.”
“Aww I’m sure your fancy new title and pay rise will keep you company.” My sarcasm bled, the hurt in my voice coming through which made Nate sigh. He seemed conflicted and maybe it was childish to be mad at him for just doing his job but I couldn’t help it. I needed to protect my own career and my future. Not only would this cause this job to be lost but any hopes and dreams I had of starting my own business would be non-existent. If I was blacklisted, I wouldn’t be able to get any company off the ground.
I was on edge a lot since the personal attack. I was mad at the world, mad at the trial and mad that I couldn’t push back down the events that his clients forced on me, the continuous dirty feeling imprinted on my skin, in my mind.
I was afraid, not just for me, but that Nate was going to find out, at the trial, the true nature of my involvement with Mr Cato. I convinced myself I was trying to protect him from it but, in reality, I was trying to protect myself. I didn’t want him to look at me with pity, with disgust, when he finds out I’ve been victimised. But his stubborn self didn’t allow me to protect him from the truth, my truth.
Nate ignored my comment. He paced my living room before stalking over to me to take my hands in his in an attempt to make me listen.
“Gi, I need you to listen to me. It’s better that I am on this case. I can convince him to target the company and not you. I need you to trust me,” he tried to reason. I chuckled to myself remembering the time he told me never to trust him.
“I'm not discussing this with you.” I abruptly put an end to the conversation, pulling away and folding my arms back across my chest. I knew I shouldn’t be discussing this; I had promised Angelina. And then I remembered her telling me Nate was risking his job already by being in a relationship with me.
“Angelina said you can’t discuss this with me, everything has to go through her. She knows about us Nate. I had to tell her everything.”
“Shit, why did you do that?” Anger in his voice as he growled the question at me. He stepped away, turning his back to me and cursing at the ceiling. I could confirm this was officially our first fight as a couple. And I was worried how ugly this was going to get. We promised work wouldn’t get in the middle of us but it had. It had taken centre stage.
“Why?! Because she walked in on us. We were unprofessional, intimate. You’re risking your job because of us, aren’t you?”
My tone softened as I replayed Angelina’s words in my head, that I was a conflict of interest to Nate, to the case. I stepped forward placing a hand on his arm in comfort. His anger softened as he spun around to look at me with affection.
“Yes, Gi. I could lose my job. Hence why this promotion is something I need. I will be working on more high-profile cases, and have more of a say over the rules and regulations of the firm. I’ll have full control of the company.” He pleaded as he stroked my cheek and played with the strand of hair in his fingers. It seemed to calm my nerves when he did that, it seemed like it also grounded him.
“Angelina will keep our secret, Nate. We just have to be careful. That means at work we can’t be alone and we can’t discuss work at home.We need to be more mindful of our interactions outside these walls. It's better for one of us to still have a job after this.”
“Thank you,” he whispered, as he planted a delicate kiss on my forehead before he put his head against it. “Now can I please just be your boyfriend and not your enemy?” he asked, as he placed his hand on my waist, tracing small circles with his thumb. I nodded gently. I didn’t want to be mad at him. He was risking everything too. I just needed to trust him. “Because I fucking miss you Gi!”
“I missed you too Nate. I don’t want to fight about this anymore.” I sighed, feeling really exhausted with the whole situation.
“Same, now go pack yourself a small bag and grab your coat. I’m taking you away for a couple days,” he instructed, and I obeyed without asking any questions.
I needed this, I needed to let him take the reins and maybe a weekend away was exactly what I needed. I didn’t know where he was taking me but all I knew was I needed to get out of the city and relax and unwind. And I think Nate knew that too even if I didn’t tell him.