Chapter 39
IT TRENDS WITH US
Heath
Rachelle sends us home with four takeout containers that I don’t open until I have Cricket situated on my porch, overlooking the vineyard with chamomile tea in hand and a light blanket wrapped around her legs.
“Feeling better?” I ask her as I join her with our food spread out on plates.
Cheesecake. Brownie pie. Tres leches cake.
And onion rings.
I’m a fucking sucker for onion rings.
“I feel stupid,” she says quietly.
I put my deck chair as close to hers as I can get it and take her hand. “None of what happened was your fault. Not the first video. Not today either.”
“It was my fault. I wasn’t—I didn’t—I’m the only person who made me make all of the decisions that led to me flashing the entire world. That’s my fault.”
“Cricket—”
“No, it is. I’m responsible for that. I did that to myself. And it’ll be with me for the rest of my life. Here. Outside here. Wherever.”
I want to slay dragons for her.
That’s who I am.
It’s who I’ve always been.
It’s who I was with Ava too, but with Ava—with Ava, I felt the obligation more than I felt the joy, and I felt like I wasn’t enough all too often.
Likely my own fault.
Not entirely—caring for her while she was sick—that was hard, but I did it without resentment because it’s what you do for the people you love.
And I did love her.
We just weren’t right for each other.
Acknowledging that isn’t diminishing her memory. It’s honoring that truth and life are complicated.
And I still have my life to live.
I get to choose what I make of it.
What I choose is embracing every day with Cricket.
With her and Lav.
Keep finding that balance between meeting my obligations and responsibilities and letting myself be free to not worry that something else will imminently go wrong.
Trust that we’ll find solutions to problems.
Not let them weigh me down.
Not feel like I have to handle them on my own.
“Onion ring?” I ask.
She smiles a little. “I don’t think an onion ring is an immediate fix.”
“Have you tried onion rings as immediate fixes?”
“Once, after a bad breakup in college. I ate them with ranch that had gone bad, and I puked for two days.”
And now I want to fight ranch dressing.
Ranch dressing and randos in bars and her parents and her chickens if they cluck at her wrong.
Breathe and embrace that good will come of this, I tell myself as I unclench my fist.
“Heath?”
“Hmm?”
“No one—no one has ever stood up for me like that before. Thank you.”
I lean across the armrests to press a kiss to her temple.
“I don’t like to be that guy, but I will when I need to be.
And I needed to be. You deserve to live your life free of harassment.
We all do. What you did—it might’ve been your fault, but it wasn’t on purpose.
You deserve support and forgiveness. Not to be what—what they want you to be. ”
She leans her head on my shoulder. “I need to do it again.”
“Do—what now?”
“Leave the winery more. Go into town. Be brave.”
“Cricket.”
“No, I do. There’s so much that goes on here, but there’s life in town too. Life in the rest of the state. The country. The world. I want to make a home here, but I still want to go other places too. I want—I want it all.”
“Then we’ll find it all for you.”
She sniffles softly. “Thank you for letting me not be my best right now. I know I will be again, but right now, I just—I’m not.”
I squeeze her hand and kiss her head again. “I love you. At your best and at your lowest and everything in between.”
She sniffles harder. “You take my breath away,” she whispers. “I don’t know how we happened, but I—I’d relive the worst moments of my life a million times over if it’s what it took to bring me here to you.”
“You—” My breath catches. “You’d do that for me?”
“For everything you’ve done for me? For the man you are and the man you keep striving to be? To have you in my life? Oh, Heath. Oh, yes.”
My throat clogs, and my eyes get misty.
She means it.
She loves me that much.
Whole heart. Whole mind. Whole soul.
She’s choosing me.
Sharing the best of herself with me.
And her best—her best is bravery and passion and beauty.
Sunshine after a storm.
I know my parents love me. I know my sister loves me. I know Lav loves me.
But they didn’t choose me.
Even Ava—she didn’t choose me.
She took me because she believed we needed to get married since she was pregnant. It’s how she was raised. It’s what was expected.
“Fuck me, I don’t deserve you,” I whisper.
She laughs softly. “That’s what I think every time I see you too.”
I believe her.
For every bit that she’s my sunshine, my joy, my home—I’m hers too.
Just as I am.
And for the first time in ages, I feel something else too.
Peace.
Lightness.
Optimism.
I love this woman, and I will move heaven and earth to keep her safe and happy.
And that—that’s not a chore.
It’s not an obligation.
It’s not a responsibility.
Cricket?
She’s an honor and a privilege to have in my life.
Every single minute of it.