Chapter Sixteen
Everything had gone to shit, and I’d hurt my ankle. I couldn’t tolerate standing on it long enough to unbury my car to drive into town with my left foot. Luckily, ice was abundant, so I kept limping out to the porch to pick off an icicle from the roof overhang, only to wrap in a towel, making my own version of a bushcraft ice pack. And I got ahead of the swelling thanks to an emergency stash of Advil.
I hated that I’d hurt myself. That was the one thing I’d promised wouldn’t happen. Now here I was, hurt, lonely, and heartbroken.
He’d lied to me.
Just like Lance and Jared.
I winced at the thought.
I still had a couple days until Yule. I was expected to be back by Christmas Eve to celebrate with my aunt and uncle. Doing the quick mental math, I realized that left me several days until someone was going to come looking for me.
The truth was, I was running out of supplies and my ankle throbbed like a motherfucker. Even if I hadn’t been hurt and hungry, I was crawling up the walls being so isolated.
I was grateful I had journaled often while on this trip because it was serving as a touchstone for my sanity. At no point had I thought I was going to come across an actual god, let alone fall in love with him and threaten to stop his very existence.
Looking back, I wasn’t exactly sure why I’d tried to hack into his tree. It had been reckless. The truth was, I’d just wanted his attention again. I hadn’t known if it would hurt or free him, but I’d figured he’d show up before I could do much damage. I’d just needed to do something . All things considered, I thought I had earned a freak-out moment.
But once he’d been in front of me, all I could think was how powerful yet kind he was. It had been enthralling. Then he’d put the idea of a baby back into my head and it had unraveled. I’d gotten my hopes up for a second that maybe I was pregnant, but the dream had been instantly squashed.
I held my belly, daydreaming of how handsome he’d be as a father. His tattooed bicep flexing as he cradled our baby.
Our baby.
A new ache formed inside me. I couldn’t imagine having anyone else’s baby. But how? I’d learned enough mythology to know that mortal women didn’t usually fair well when it came to mating with gods. Dianus’s words echoed in my brain. You fucked a god. It came at a cost. There is always a cost.
Had I already paid it?
I felt like I had. I was isolated and injured in a cabin right before the holidays, questioning my sanity and future with a forgotten deity. That wasn’t anything to sniff at.
As I considered Dianus and everything he meant to me, my mind ran tracks around the same conclusions. It wasn’t just the sex that drew me to him. He was funny and thoughtful. He never made me feel silly for asking questions, and he calmed me down. I never felt rushed around him. At times, with both Lance and Jared, I could see the light leave their eyes when I’d talked. Like they’d been sick of my shit and wanted me to get on with what I’d been saying.
I snorted at the recollection. Like they had anything earth-shattering to contribute.
Dianus, he truly listened to me and responded only after taking a moment to collect his thoughts. It made sharing and connecting that much easier.
I loved how he adored me. Did that make me vain? I didn’t know, but no man had made me feel so cherished. After a lifetime of wondering if I was enough, that meant something to me. More than anything, I didn’t want to stop loving him. I was already in too deep, but I couldn’t trust myself or him at the moment.
I needed time.
It wouldn’t heal all my wounds, but I was hoping it would give me answers.
Two days went by as I stared at the fire, the ceiling, and the Yule tree. When I wasn’t doing that, I journaled a lot and finished crocheting the blanket I’d been working on when I’d first gotten here. Reading wasn’t fun because it didn’t help me escape my thoughts.
I couldn’t bring myself to look outside. I feared seeing the sprawling points of Dianus’s antlers or the dart of him running into the forest. So instead, I closed all the shutters, drew all the curtains, and made a hole for myself.
I only noticed the mass of snow when I obtained a new icicle for my ankle, which, by the way, was already doing better. I’d be able to dig out no problem. I just had to keep resting.
My real problem was I was freezing. Not having a big, hairy, deliciously warm man in my bed really sucked. I stubbornly refused to wrap myself in the lush fur blanket Dianus had brought, but by day three, I had no other choice. I was extending my firewood out of fear of not being able to go into town. I knew to starve the fire during the day, while I was up and moving, so I could use the wood to bank it at night for when temperatures dropped and I’d be inactive.
After a day of that, I found myself lethargic with pain and cold. My teeth chattered while I curled up on the couch after doing dishes, fighting to stay awake. I kicked myself in the ass for not thinking to bring a smooth river rock with me to put by the fire to heat my bed like they used to do in the olden days. Even if I could totter outside, digging under all the snow blindly for a rock wasn’t a gamble I could make. Who knew where a big enough rock was? And I had zero idea of the location of a river.
“I need something big and nonflammable,” I said to myself.
Running with the idea, I put a cast iron skillet near the fire, then wrapped it in a dishtowel and gently placed it on top of my feet while I sat on the couch. It worked! I smiled, pleased with myself as I rubbed my hands together.
“I’ll be toasty in no time.” My statement was undercut by a shiver.
An hour or so later, a loud thud jolted me out of a nap. I opened the front door a crack, only to spot a slab of meat nestled on a pile of snow on my doorstep. Turkey. I had cooked with it before. Next to it was a basket filled with potatoes, nuts, and berries. Next to the feast was a bundle of wood. He was supplying me. Why?
Figuring I had already consumed his food and fucked his brains out so I couldn’t do much worse, I cooked the meat and used the wood. The first log on the fire made it spit and blaze with a delicious scent. It was high quality maple, dense and hard. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, I breathed out in gratitude as the scent filled my lungs and I basked in the warmth of it.
My god, well, he delivers.
The next day, I waited for the thump. He left another slab of meat, this time deer, and even more wood. I stepped out onto the porch and yelled, “What is this for?”
The forest was still. My car was dusted off and a wide path had been cleared to the road out.
I felt like an asshole, so I put the crocheted blanket I’d made on the doorstep. “Thank you. I made this for you!” I shouted.
I scanned the still forest and shut the door. Within an hour, the blanket was gone.