Chapter 4
SIENNA
Kurt went to sleep almost right after the incident out on the patio.
He set at least three alarms to wake him up before dinner and made me swear at least five times that I will wake him up if he sleeps through them.
He also slapped me again when I asked too many questions about why this dinner tonight is so important and what I should wear.
He told me to dress classy, telling me that the only thing I’m good for is being arm candy and that I better not disappoint him.
Bruised arm candy at the rate he’d been punching me this morning, but he clearly doesn’t care about that.
Or he likes to see the evidence of his punches and slaps on my face.
I never know which it is. Nor do I care.
But I couldn’t sit still after all that.
A weird nervousness gripped me and wouldn’t let go.
Usually I’m good just sitting somewhere quietly, not thinking too hard.
Back when I was still a whole person, I could never sit still, always had to be doing something, living hard.
But apathy is the name of the game for me these days. And I couldn’t find that peace today.
I felt watched everywhere I went, even in the windowless bathroom downstairs.
I felt like someone was breathing down my neck even though the house is perfectly empty.
I felt like I needed to be outside, around people like I haven’t wanted to be in many, many years.
I felt like the world was an exciting place and I need to be a part of it.
That’s something I haven’t felt in years and years either.
Maybe I have finally lost my mind like Kurt keeps telling me. It’s about time.
But I didn’t spend too much time analyzing any of it. I just got in my Porsche and drove into town. Windows rolled down to let in the wind and the scent of the ocean, music blasting to perpetuate this feeling of being alive that I haven’t felt in so long.
The small coastal town I live in is mostly empty this early in the morning. The moms are getting their kids ready for school, the dads are already commuting to work, and all the stay-at-home housewives have their houses to put in order.
All my friends and acquaintances here have small children nowadays, some are already on number three or four.
Everyone keeps asking me when I’ll have my first child, to which I just shrug sadly.
That usually keeps them from asking any follow-up questions and they all think I simply can’t have children.
Truth is, I have no idea if I can or not. I just know I don’t want them, ever. No one but me deserves to be stuck in my life, least of all an innocent little girl.
I was that innocent little girl once. And I will never bring another into this world.
I park by the ocean, the gusting wind booming in my ears as I walk up the wooden stairs to the observation deck that’s lined with coffee shops, restaurants and quaint little stores selling mostly artisan, handmade stuff that’s wildly overpriced.
But his money is something Kurt doesn’t keep from me and I love spending too much of it.
I still feel watched. But not in an eerie way, not at all. It’s more like I’m seen. In a way I haven’t been seen in a very, very long time. If ever.
Yes, I’ve been seen this way before… a long time ago. By the only man who ever loved me. And try as I do to forget what I lost, what I let slip through my fingers, the happiness that might have been that I destroyed, I never can. It’s right at the forefront of my mind right now for some reason.
Maybe this isn’t where I should be spending this morning. It’s too peaceful, too pretty with the frothing waves, the ocean gleaming in the rising sun and the seagulls circling overhead. It’s too picturesque, making me want nice things, a good life. The kind of life I’ll never have, nor deserve to.
I should just go back home, sit in the quiet house, and wait for five o’clock to roll around, which is when I have to wake up Kurt.
I’m a prisoner of that life anyway. No use pretending it can ever be any better.
It just hurts too much when I try to. Wherever all that life energy that drove me out here came from, it should just go again.
Bring back apathy, that’s the only way I know how to survive.
I turn to rush back the way I came, the wind blowing in my face…
and almost run smack into a huge man dressed in full biker get up, complete with the leather pants that go over the jeans.
He’s like something out of an action movie and does not belong in this upscale and uptight little town at all.
Most of what little skin of his I can see is covered with tattoos, even around the eyes.
There’s tears and a spider web there. And a knife. And blood.
But I’d know those eyes anywhere. I’d know them anytime.
As clear blue as a glacier-fed lake, as clean and pure as ice.
“Zane,” I breathe. “You’ve come for me.”
He looks nothing like the teenager I loved. Yet I know it’s him. And I know it’s been his eyes and his energy I’ve felt all morning. Urging me to come out and be with him.
I must be insane. But if this is part of my insanity, then I don’t want to be any other way.
He looks shocked for a second, his eyes losing some of their icy sharpness. But then they turn cold and uninviting again. Murderous even.
“You know me?”
“Yes, of course. I’d know you anywhere,” I tell him.
And now we’re just standing there, looking into each other’s eyes. I want to wrap my arms around him and hold him tight. I want to kiss him. I want him to kiss me. And I want him to hold me tight.
It’s not a conscious wish. It’s a physical need.
But he takes a step back when I reach for him.
“You’re right,” I say and hold my hands tightly in front of me to keep myself from reaching for him again. “The last thing you want is for me to touch you.”
He says nothing. Just glares at me. In anger. In rage. In confusion?
Maybe I’m completely wrong here. Maybe it’s not Zane. Maybe I’m just hallucinating it is. Maybe he’s just some guy who’s trying to figure out just how crazy I actually am.
But no.
It’s not just his eyes I’d recognize anywhere.
It’s that electric life energy inside him, the kind that always made my skin tingle and my mind think only happy thoughts back when we were boyfriend and girlfriend, each other’s first loves.
He was definitely my only love.
And the only person who ever loved me.
“You must hate me very much,” I whisper.
He makes a sound that sounds like a growl. “Yes.”
“But here you are… “
“Here I am… to ruin your charmed and perfect little life.”
“Like I ruined yours,” I say and nod. “Please do. Take me away from here.”
He looks confused again. But I’m just smiling at him. A smile I feel coming deep from my heart.
“I will,” he says, wraps his arm around my shoulders and starts leading me to the stairs that lead to the parking lot.
There’s no love in the way he’s holding me, no tenderness, no care. Yet pressed so close to him, smelling that scent that’s all him and I’d completely forgotten until right now, I feel very much like a princess that’s finally been kissed by her prince charming.
I don’t think he’s here because he loves me.
I don’t think he’s here because he wants to show me love.
But I’d go anywhere with him regardless. Anywhere he wants to take me. Like I should’ve done all those years ago when I made all the wrong decisions and choices. When I let him go instead of holding onto him for dear life.