Chapter 17 Shadows
Shadows
Kit/Kat
The look on his face is familiar—Salem had a similar one in the tent, and it makes my stomach flutter with excitement.
I know the chances of finding two gentle, understanding guys amongst the demons I’m surrounded by weren’t great.
However, in contrast to my usual bad luck, I’ve somehow attracted both beautiful guys and they’re not put off by my inexperience or my issues.
Maybe I’ve been saving the good luck my whole life until now? That would make this easier to believe.
As our soft breaths fill the silent room, I try to stay calm when he doesn’t respond right away.
Admitting I like what we’re doing is tantamount to admitting I like him out loud, and my anxiety is sparkling in my veins like electric glitter.
It should get easier after you’ve done it once, right?
Once you’ve had the courage to tell someone you like them, even if it’s not direct, doing so isn’t as hard each time afterward. Right?
“KK, you look worried. Don’t be,” Oriel says in a raspy voice. “I’m quiet because… knowing you’re enjoying this and that you want to share secrets with me…”
I blink up at him, my eyes confused. “That’s bad?”
“No.” The dark-haired demon chuckles huskily, and I watch his pupils dilate.
“No, it’s not bad. But it is… hard to control the parts of me who enjoy that very much—who enjoy you very much.
And I don’t want to scare you or push you too far.
You’re doing so well; it would be a crime to set that back. ”
Biting my lower lip, I smile a little, then murmur, “You do crimes all the time, though.”
That makes his grin widen, and he looks even more handsome when it reaches his eyes. “Good point. But that one? I never want to do that, Kit. I promise I will never intentionally hurt you.”
I frown for a moment, then look at him seriously. “You’re very smart to realize that you can’t really promise never to hurt me…you could accidentally and that would make what you said a lie. That would hurt even more, I believe.”
“Plus, I’m a guy,” Oriel chuckles. “We’re wired to fuck up, especially demon males. So yeah, I qualified my promise, but it’s because I want you to trust me. I want to be close with you like this and more, eventually? So we have to start with honesty, and I get—”
My eyes widen and before he can finish, I push up on my tiptoes to kiss him one more time.
I know what he was going to say, and that means my charade has to end.
He was going to say that he’s baring himself to mind my boundaries—or something like it—and much like Salem, I’ve run out of road with my disguise.
If I don’t come clean now, everything will be tainted, and that’s not who I am.
So I enjoy the gentle, yet hungry kiss until it breaks, and pull back so I can gather myself.
“Oriel, I have to… There’s something you need to know.”
His eyes are a little glassy, making my chest puff with pride, though I’m not sure why. “I can’t imagine what would be important enough to stop that.”
Famous last words if I’ve ever heard them.
Making sure that I’m not touching him, I rake my lip with my teeth one more time, then meet his gaze. “Oriel, I’m not a guy.”
He blinks for a moment, then bursts out laughing.
My eyes dart back and forth as he snorts and doubles over, clutching his stomach as his hilarity continues.
I don’t know if this is a good or bad thing; he’s just about crying in laughter in front of me.
Or is he losing his shit? Fuck, I don’t know.
I mean, Salem was so relieved that no one emasculated me that I suppose it took the edge off of the reveal.
But Oriel and I are just here, alone, and he shared something deeply personal with me.
“Um…”
Oriel finally takes a huge breath, then blows it out as he stands straight again.
I think he’s trying to calm his amusement so he can talk, but it’s making me itch all over.
Wiping tears from his eyes, the crow demon blows a loud raspberry, then his shoulders slump as his body relaxes. “Okay, okay. I’m fine. I’m fine.”
Good for him, but I am not, and he’d better say something before I puke.
“I’m not laughing at you, by the way.” The way his eyes sparkle is encouraging, but I’m loath to believe body language versus words. “I mean that.”
“Okay…”
He shakes his head, then says, “I’m laughing at us—every damn one of my brothers and I for being so fucking blind.
Like… when you said that… everything came together.
All the little things I wrote off or ignored because you’re human and you have so much trauma.
I discarded the weird shit without a second thought because fuck if I know how humans behave in close quarters, right? But I did notice shit; I wasn’t crazy.”
I shrug a little, still unsure where he’s going with this. “No, you’re not crazy for that reason, at least.”
“But you know what, you devious little shadow?”
Shaking my head, I wait for him to go on because I don’t have a damn clue where he’s going with this diatribe.
“I’m proud of you,” he says as he moves within centimeters of me again. “It had to be scary, coming here with all that on your back and such a big secret, too. But you stood up to the Prince of Hell and his friends without batting a lash, and even took not being human in stride.”
I swallow hard as I look up at him. “People are capable of wonderful and horrible things when they feel like they don’t have a choice.”
His grin is boyish, almost delighted as he nods. “That, my little shadow, is spot on. You’re definitely as wise as Zav, and certainly as sneaky as me. I think you might have all the good stuff my brothers and I embody wrapped up in… what I assume is some sort of restrictive under things?”
My face turns bright red, and I look away. I don’t have those back in my grasp just yet—X is working on it. But I am bound up mummy-style under my clothes and it’s very not sexy unless your name is Amun-Ra or something. “Sort of.”
Oriel blinks, then snaps his fingers. “They keep destroying your fit! You’ve run out of boobie slings, haven’t you?”
No, no… never that phrase, I’m going to die on the spot..
“I… uh…” All I can do is sputter. Oriel is very into how I pulled off hiding, but he hasn’t said a word about whether that changes anything.
Since we just had a moment, his acceptance or denial is more important than my lack of binders right now.
But I can’t go farther out on that limb until he gives me a clue what he’s thinking.
His brows furrow, and he holds up a finger. “Just a minute. I think…”
The crow demon takes off into his lair, muttering to himself as I stand, rooted in place by my fear that this is all for show.
Maybe he’s using the puzzle master persona and compliments on my ingenious plan to cover the rejection I’m going to get.
All this praise for being strong might be to soften the blow when he tells me I’ve crossed a line I can’t come back from.
Fidgeting with my ring, I stare at the floor and spin it, willing my brain not to follow that thread to its inevitable conclusion.
Unfortunately, my luck has run out for the day, because pictures of his kind but firm face flash through my mind.
I see Oriel apologizing and putting me back in my place as a friend, while being distant until…
I have to stop. I have to stop now. If I don’t stop, I’m going to—
My breath hitches as the constriction in my chest spreads, making it hard to fill my lungs.
Fingers sparkle with numbness and the sensation crawls up my arms as I dig my nails into my palm to break the flow.
It doesn’t work, and I wrap my arms around my torso as I beg the universe to let me just get through this so I can nurse my wounds in private.
I won’t survive being rejected and having to be carried back to my room because of an attack.
The humiliation would be more than I can handle when I’ve been this vulnerable.
“Hey! Hey!” Prying my lids open, I see O standing in front of me again, dangling what looks like a sports bra about my size from his fingers.
“What the hell happened? I just wanted to help you and I knew I had one of these—or maybe a few. Don’t ask, because I hate when the jobs send me to Brimstone, but I always find a way to amuse… ”
A long shuddering breath escapes my lips, and he blinks, the babble paused as he peers down at my face. I swallow again, trying to get my dry throat to allow me to respond to the unusually talkative demon. “Um… I’m… sorry. You… I…”
This time, his eyes widen as it hits him. “Shit! Shit. See? I told you! Guys are dumb, KK, and I just did exactly what we talked about. I hurt you because I said nothing before I took off! Motherfucker, I’m so stupid!”
His monologue is somehow completely external right now, and that’s not normal for Oriel.
So I risk myself one more time to reach out with a shaky hand and place it on his mouth.
He blinks as I cover the words spewing from his mouth like a fire hydrant unleashed, but there’s finally quiet again.
I take another moment to find my voice and when I do, I whisper, “You’re not stupid.
But I did lie, so you have every right to be angry with me.
I will accept whatever consequences come with that. ”
A dark brow arches at me, and I remove my hand, dipping my chin as he stares. After a second, another warm chuckle slides over me as he grabs the hand I pulled away. “Don’t you dare pull away from me, shadow. I want you to focus on breathing, then look me in the eye so I can tell you the truth.”
The truth? That sounds ominous.
But I look up at him as instructed, my eyes fearful as he holds my hand between us. “I’m ready.”
“KK, you look like you’re waiting for a firing squad,” Oriel says softly. “Don’t be afraid.”
“Easy for you to say,” I mumble. “You’re not the one who did something shitty and had to admit it.”
“Ah, ah. What did I say?” The demon winks at me as he places his other hand on the one between us, holding on tightly.
“Now that you’re able to focus, I need you to understand that I didn’t walk away because I’m angry with you.
I walked away because I wanted to find that damn bra for you.
I wanted to help you… because what I don’t want is for you to be discovered. ”
I don’t react; I can’t until he’s done.
“If you were discovered, they might send you back, and honestly? I don’t want to spend four years or even four more days in this damn place if they do that.
I like you, Kit, or whatever your name is…
Is it Kit? That’s not the point. The point is…
I didn’t care if you were a guy before and I don’t care if you’re a girl now. You know?”
“Um…”
Oriel leans in, putting his nose against mine as he says, “I don’t even care if you turn into a smelly orc, little shadow, because you aren’t getting rid of me unless someone fucking kills me, okay? That I’m gonna promise without a clause because I’d stake one of my hoards on it.”
Holy shit. I don’t even know what the fuck to say to that, much less what it should make me feel.