Chapter 45 Panic Room
Panic Room
Kit/Kat
Squeezing the stuffed bird tightly, I press my lips together as I try not to show the massive amount of emotion rocketing through me.
Since I arrived at Discordia, I’ve gotten more gifts and kindness than I have in…
ever. The guys weren’t all welcoming from the start, nor have they always behaved like I’d prefer.
But over time, the relationships between us have slowly grown to be so fucking important that it scares me, and now, even Jasper is acting like he has a shred of decency.
I don’t quite know how to handle it because a part of me—this small, sparkling pink part that feels like it’s cracking through the other dark colors inside—is flooding me with what I assume are ‘girly’ feelings.
That part is probably responsible for all the steamy, tingly feeling about them, too, and it needs to get a grip.
“KK? Are you okay? You look… angry and happy simultaneously.”
My gaze moves to Xerxes, who has the hint of a smirk on their lips as they study me.
I forget they are extremely talented in deciphering emotions because of their lineage, and hiding things from them is next to impossible.
I nod, swallowing the lump in my throat and then clearing it.
“Yeah. I mean, I will be once I get some of those tasty snacks Salem got. It’s not like you to order things rather than make them. What happened?”
Salem wrinkles his nose and sighs. “Time, KK. We decided to do this with very little time to prepare, and you know that I only bake from scratch. It’s that sliver of pride in me, so I had to order out rather than cheat by using something truly awful like a mix.”
I frown at him, wagging a finger. “Don’t be so judgy. Some people don’t have the time or physical ability to cook like you. Pre-prepared meals or mixes make it possible for those with disabilities to experience the same joy you do in the kitchen.”
The panda gives me an exasperated look as he holds up a pretty tray of sparkling, sugary treats.
“Duh! I know that, and I’m not being salty about everyone having the chance to get their Julia Child on.
I’m just a cooking snob in my kitchen and in how food is prepared here.
However, I should add that this shit comes from one of the most coveted bakeries in this section of Hell…
but they rarely serve the elite, only the normies.
Their shit is so much better than the fancy-pants places most of us annoying rich guys buy from—trust me, you’ll love these cupcakes. ”
I wait for him to bring the plate closer so I don’t have to move.
Jasper and Zav are whispering to one another, but I don’t think they would be happy if I scampered off.
I’m doing my best to shut them out so I’m not eavesdropping, obviously, and I don’t want to shatter this very cozy moment.
Once Salem gets close enough, I take one of the pink, purple, and blue confections that smell like heaven and make my stomach rumble eagerly.
He looks at me with a soft heat in his eyes, and I blush as I duck my head.
These damn boys are going to give everything away before I’m ready to tell the others, I swear to fuck.
“There you go, KK, but… just as a warning? Eat slowly. They’re made of—” His eyes widen when I look at him after a big bite of the large cupcake. “Uh, they’re made with crunkleberries, crunkle syrup, and crunkle icing?”
Oriel blinks. “Well, that’s going to be fascinating.”
“I estimate the effects will set in within about five minutes, especially with that concentration,” Anton says as he tries to hide a smile. “Salem, you’ve just gotten KitKat high.”
“No. No, no, no,” I groan as panic floods me. “The last time someone gave me a lot of drugs… it did not go well.”
My body locks up, and I look around with a wild expression. I feel scared and trapped, even though my brain knows that I’m safe. Instinct is pushing hard to get me to move, to hide, to get the hell out of here until I’m locked away from the men who can hurt me.
But then the arm around me tightens, and I feel the broad chest rumble a little before lips touch my ear to murmur, “You are safe. You are among friends. You will not get hurt here. Breathe, shrimp.”
Jasper’s voice, baritone and soothing, is a surprise, but it has the intended effect.
My muscles relax slightly, and I lean towards the sound as I swallow with my dry mouth.
I can’t respond—not yet. I’m too busy closing my eyes so the spinning of the room doesn’t make me barf the damn tasty as fuck cupcake all over us.
“KK, I didn’t know you’d take such a big bite so fast. I’m sorry.”
The echo of Salem’s voice sounds far away, but I feel the truth in it.
That helps a bit more, and I’m able to unclench my jaw so I don’t ache later on.
I blow out a slow breath as I go through mantras in my head one by one, using my exercises to help me undo my trauma response without sliding into a full attack.
I know my sweet panda didn’t mean to trigger that, and I’ve eaten the berries happily before, so he couldn’t have realized that in this concentration it would feel similar to a bad thing.
It was an error in judgment to let me take the cake after a workout, without giving me the Alice-style instructions first.
“He’s not mad, Salem,” Zav says softly. “This just triggered something, and he’s working it out. It will be okay, right, Kit?”
I think I nod, but I’m uncertain as I push away the memories of swirling rooms and half-remembered words that prefaced the incident that broke my brain.
The snippets that come remind me that it felt very different from the effects of crunkleberries, and I need to hang on to that as I come out of the haze.
The roofies made me feel heavy and sleepy, confused and unable to move my limbs.
These berries feel light and fizzy in my head, and if I weren’t having a panic moment, my body and mouth would move just fine. It’s not the same.
It’s hard to get my stupid brain and primal panic button to agree on that, though.
“Shrimp, you need to open your eyes. Seeing who is here and who is not here will help you manage the reaction.” The prince’s voice is filled with confidence, and it tells me that at some point, he’s done this.
I have no idea what made him have PTSD attacks or be caught in memories that physically hurt, but my gut says he knows what he’s talking about.
So, I open my eyes, and my free hand grips the material of his sweatpants as I ground myself.
The world is hazy and trippy, but I see Salem watching me with a sad expression as he bites his lip.
It makes me want to hug him and say he’s forgiven, but I can’t yet.
Xerxes and Anton are curled together, keeping a sharp eye on me and the surrounding space, so I assume they're making sure my magic will not spike. That’s a guess, but since they’re the experts in that arena, I think it’s a solid one.
Slash is tense in his seat, his body looking prepped to spring forward and snatch me if need be.
I don’t know where he’d take me, but that makes my chest squish a bit.
Oriel’s eyes are narrowed, and he’s murmuring something to himself silently—which might be why the bird I’m clutching is exuding warmth against my stomach.
“Now tell yourself that what you see is real and what your mind is seeing is not,” Jasper says. “Get control of one sense so you can slowly regain mastery of the others. It will help you drown out the flashbacks if you replace them with reality.”
Yeah, the prince definitely knows what fucking happens during one of these attacks, and I’m going to kick his ass for being a dick when I had them before.
“Little demon, you are always safe with us. Even when the prince was being a dick, he did not physically harm you. We are your caliphate; you are ours to protect and care for.”
I want to tell Slash he’s edging dangerously close to wording that will trip someone’s wires, but I’m still a bit shaky and haven’t found my voice yet.
So I look at him, unclenching my hand from Jasper’s pants, and give him a weak thumbs-up.
That makes him chuckle, and I think my lips curve a tiny bit.
“I saw that, KK,” X practically purrs. “You smiled a little, and that means you’re coming back to us. While I’m sure you’d be much happier curled up with Annie and me in positive emotions, you have to admit that Zav and Prince Pricklypants are doing a good job. Your hands didn’t even shake.”
They’re right, and that is pretty amazing.
I had to hold on for a few moments while I righted the ship, but I didn’t shake, and I sure as hell didn’t black out.
This is progress—real, tremendous progress—and it’s because I’m surrounded by all of them.
Maybe there is something to the mysterious things Slash was saying in the pool about purpose and shit?
I don’t know, but I’m slowly slipping back into reality without my usual symptoms taking over my entire body and making me a sack of potatoes.
That’s a powerful indicator that getting closer to these guys is a good thing, right?
The universe doesn’t answer my mental question; it never does. I’m left with looking at the anxious demon shifters and raking my lip through my teeth before I croak, “Thank you.”
It’s not a lot of words, but it makes all the guys in front of me look super relieved, and before I know it, a soft, fluffy set of tails appears in front of my face.
I’m a little confused why Zav has me hiding in his tails instead of himself, but when I turn my head, the Kitsuné is looking at me shyly.
His face is red as he darts forward to press a whisper-soft kiss to my jaw.
“I’m happy to share my hiding spot if it helps you when your emotions are jumbled like mine,” he murmurs, and my jaw drops.
The voice in my ear is rumbly again on the other side of my face as it says, “I can share my Kitsuné if you can keep trying to let me be better. I will fail often, as I frequently do when I stray from my training, but you can tell me when I’m fucking it up.
But the loyalty and allegiance my caliphate shows you, Kit Camponella, is something so intense that I fear I could never sway.
They are both strong and fragile, which you now hold as much responsibility for as I do. ”
I choke as I try to respond to quite possibly the nicest thing Jasper’s ever said to me, and Zav gives me a gentle smile.
It seems as though the redheaded hacker also realizes how important that tiny, barely audible speech surrounded by tails is to me and our group.
Finally, I’m able to whisper, “I don’t break things, Jasper, even if I’m broken.
I think we’re all trying to heal together.
As long as you join us, we will be stronger than before the cracks. ”
An unexpected, yet soft flutter of lips against my ear makes my whole body light up, and the effects of my attack fade like the sun on the horizon at dusk.
I’ve never experienced something that sent the fear and terror packing so quickly, and I turn to look at the prince with wide eyes. “How the fuck did you do that?”
“Easy,” he says with a smirk. “I may be from the Wrath line, shrimp, but my demon eats and breathes fear. That’s my gift that I keep inside in favor of my shadow dragon; it’s only for the most dire of circumstances.”
Since when the fuck am I ‘the most dire of circumstances’ and when was this confusing asshole going to mention this?