Chapter 50 Anxiety
Anxiety
Jasper
The worst part of today is the ridiculous amount of free time I have.
After the Arms class, I had as many unscheduled blocks as my second, but I promised to allow Slash to work with the shrimp alone.
That concession didn’t bother me before, but after last night, I find myself insanely curious about what they’re doing and if the kid is progressing.
It made me itch to stay in my office and write up reports on progress for students, then go to lunch with Salem and Oriel before my Dark Magic lecture.
To be fair, they were grumpy as fuck, and I’d bet a shiny gold soul it was because Kit wasn’t there.
My caliphate has completely and irrevocably shifted our focus to the kid, and while I understand it, the part of me raised by the king is having trouble with that.
The Games will begin after the holidays—there’s no doubt in my mind.
The Major’s arrival and the uptick in Lucian showing up to be a dickwaffle during class tell me they both know shit we do not.
I haven’t heard a peep from my father since he granted our surface pass and I sent him a glossed-over report with as much omission as I could get away with.
Trouble is brewing in multiple areas of concern, yet my step is lighter and my dragon is calmer than it has been in…
a very long time. I don’t want to consider what that means, so I have thrown myself into every task and class with fervor so I have to focus there instead of on my emotions.
The acceptance of his offer to help surprised even me, but Zavvie was also quite pleased with it.
He made certain to tell me how proud he was on the way back to our room this morning during our early session and again after Arms class.
My Kitsuné is smart enough to do it privately, but he definitely wanted to express how much he liked my acquiescence.
Which means he, too, is hoping to get closer to the shrimp, and he wants to do it together, as Kit suggested.
I’ve tried to picture how that would work with our dynamic, and it’s both exciting and confusing.
The kid is so damaged that I don’t have the faintest clue what would work and what wouldn’t—it will require a very thorough conversation and clear boundaries.
I’ve never entered a scene without that, of course, because of my trauma, but…
I don’t want to be the cause of a setback for someone so fragile.
It’s a war raging within me—the fear of being my father paired with the brainwashing of his edicts for my entire lifespan.
Being with Zavvie hasn’t required such precise control, and I don’t know if I’m capable of it if emotions run high.
“Fucking Tarron,” I mutter to myself as the class ends and I stand.
My seat is close to the back, purposely in the shadows so any practical applications of the subject are far from other grad students.
My control of magic is excellent, but when I am embroiled in this kind of inner conflict, mistakes are possible.
I need to escape if the need to shift arises.
Luckily, that also keeps the others from hearing me curse my father and gives me a quick exit to stomp out of.
“Jasper, wait!”
Zav’s voice catches me, and I stop, waiting for him and Salem to catch up. Pushing his glasses up, my lover gives me a scrutinizing look that I know means he’s onto me. “Don’t you two have classes to get to? I’m the only one with free periods next.”
“Yes, but you were simmering the whole damn class, man.” The panda arches a brow at me as we fall into step. “You can’t go barging into the room and be shitty with KK because you’ve got your tail in a knot.”
That wasn’t my plan, but whatever.
“I will not go back to the room and be a dick, okay? Just because I have things on my mind doesn’t mean that I will revert to old habits.”
Zavvie frowns at me, still suspicious. “It’s your pattern, Jas, and you know it as well as we do. Don’t ruin the chance to overcome shit now.”
Throwing up my hands in surrender, I huff. “Fine, fine. Yes, I’m having… issues. It still does not mean I was going to be shitty.”
“That’s more than we usually get, so good on you.”
I roll my eyes at Salem as we get into the elevator. “Thanks. Very confident praise there, Stryker.”
“You can’t be mad that we are basing our concerns on centuries of repeated patterns, Jasper.” Zavvie looks up at me, his tails swishing as he gives me a small smile. “No one is accusing you of bad intent as much as bad habits that were drilled into you by your asshole dad.”
“That's why we put up with it.” Salem reaches into his bag and hands me the bar with my ribbon color. “Here, have a snack and, like, chill. It always helps.”
He’s always got us covered that way, and I don’t think I tell him enough how useful that is.
“Thanks, Salem,” I mumble as I unwrap the snack. “You’re good at keeping us fed.”
“Holy fuck, an acknowledgment! There we go, Prince Pricklypants!”
I sneer at him and then take a bite of the treat, chewing before I respond. “I’ll still kick your ass.”
“Of course you will,” Zav murmurs as his cheeks heat. “And some of us will enjoy it.”
Damn his fucking afternoon classes—now I’m horny and I’m on my own.
Walking across the campus to the dorm is more nerve-wracking than I expected.
I don’t get why I’m so nervous, but I suppose it’s because Zav and Salem were so worried I’d be an ass.
They weren’t being assholes; I know—but my own internal conflict is making it hard not to be on edge.
My eyes sweep over the crowds moving through the quad, watching for threats as usual, but also checking for unusual behavior.
Having someone from my father’s court here is amping my distrust, which isn’t helping the spiky anxiety over exposing myself to possible betrayal last night.
I guess they weren’t wrong to speak up, but that doesn’t make me feel any better.
Sighing in irritation, my tail flicks as I stalk towards Canto IV.
Perhaps I should find something specific to do so I don’t fuck this up.
I can’t ask Kit to go work on physical training on the field; he’s been working on shifting for hours and will be exhausted.
We can’t go to the Triclinium; I ate earlier, and Slash likely made him eat the moment they got back to the dorm to refill his energy.
I growl as I head up the steps, and it causes the crowds to part around me like magic.
“Move,” I snarl as I enter the building.
Demons scatter, and I stomp over to the elevator, glaring until the other people waiting move away so I’m alone when the doors close.
By the time I get to our floor, I’ve gone through every idea, and I’m fresh out.
I have no idea what I’m going to do to make certain that I don’t screw up the truce without meaning to.
Pausing at the door to the shrimp’s room, I run my hand through my hair. I pace back and forth for a moment, ignoring the keypad as I mutter to myself more. I’m never this insane, and there’s no actual explanation for why agreeing to let the guy inch closer to me is making me a goddamn psycho.
The door opens and I whirl around, my eyes wide as Kit peeps out. I scowl at him, growling low. “You aren’t supposed to open the door for anyone who doesn’t have a code!”
His brows raise as he tilts his head in confusion. “But you have a code, Jasper.”
“I didn’t use it, did I?”
Rolling his eyes, he leans against the doorframe. “I used the damn peephole. We heard the elevator ding when you got up to the floor.”
That’s a pretty good excuse, but lots of demons can convincingly appear to be someone else.
“Do you know how many demons—much less those with hybrid magic or shifting powers—could pull off a convincing facsimile of one of us? Hint: it’s a lot.”
The shrimp sucks in an annoyed breath as he stares at me. “But they would have set off the sensors that X and Annie put in, and you didn’t.”
“There are those who could disarm them. It’s impossible to know what anyone is hiding here.
Think about the things that we’re hiding from everyone.
” I frown, stepping closer as I look down at him.
“Shrimp, we’re all worried about keeping you safe—at least until you can reliably defend yourself.
You can’t blame us for that; human bodies are so fucking fragile. ”
He ducks his head, muttering, “I know that, and it’s really…nice. I’m trying not to put myself in danger, but also hate being the weak link. I did a good job at practice, but I’m nowhere near where I need to be. It’s demoralizing, even when Slash tells me I’m doing well.”
I press my lips together, suppressing the urge to laugh.
My best friend never compliments people during training, no matter how fucking well they perform.
I don’t think the kid has a clue how incredibly weird hearing that is.
The dude always acts like his drill sergeant father, almost down to the insults he throws out when you fail.
“What? I know it’s stupid, but I can’t help feeling like a failure.”
Coughing as I rub the back of my neck, I gather myself before I respond. “It’s not stupid, and if Slash said you’re doing well, I guarantee you are. He doesn’t hand out praise often.”
“Really? He definitely does a good job of motivating me without scaring me,” Kit says as he finally meets my eyes again.
“Actually, he’s probably the best teacher I’ve ever had.
I haven’t told him that; he’d be uncomfortable, I think.
But it’s true because he’s patient and works hard to keep me from sinking into negative shit. ”
I need to see this, but I don’t think the shrimp would like it if I had Zavvie plant cameras in the gym—damn this conscientious behavior thing.
“Well, tell him.” Kit looks skeptical, but I shake my head.
“No, you should. I’d bet no one ever has.
It’s just not how things are done in royal circles, and none of us has ever been great at expressing emotions because of our childhoods.
I’m not the only one who struggles with it, just the slowest to adjust.”
His smile is broad as he looks at me, and I don’t know why.
His little rat comes scampering over, crawling up his leg to his shoulder to look at me, and I’m surprised when it settles without yelling at me in rodent.
“Dottie approves, so maybe, um… Maybe we should go do one of our practices?
I think I've recovered enough from my shifting to do a little work.”
“Are you sure?” I look at him with a narrowed gaze. “Zavida will be furious if I push you too far and you relapse or something. The others won’t be happy either.”
The shrimp chuckles, pushing his hair out of his eyes. “They will, but as long as you listen to me when I tell you something is too much, we’ll be okay. And of course, Dottie will totally tell on you if you don’t. She really likes Salem and Oriel, so they’ll know.”
I suck in a breath, then let it out slowly as the wheels turn in my head.
My training was not kind or gentle, and I have no idea if I can keep old habits from cropping up, especially if we’re alone.
It would be terrible, and I’d ruin everything—the rest of the guys would lose their shit.
“I don’t… I don’t know if that’s a good idea.
We need to start, but alone? It might not be the best—”
Kit snorts, stepping into my space to put his hand on my bicep.
“Jasper, I realize this will not be easy for you. I’m in your classes.
But I think you need to know you can do this, and I need to feel like I’m getting closer to protecting myself.
Putting it off until both of us don’t feel nervous about it won’t fix anything. ”
Good thing he’s so damn confident; now I need to live up to that and not fuck this up entirely.