Chapter 40
CHAPTER
FORTY
KENNEDY
I’m not an impatient guy. I’m chill and relaxed and go with the flow—relationships excluded—but not knowing where Ziggy is or what’s happened to him is eating me alive.
“They should be back,” I say, pacing past Wilde and Hudson. The storm is over, leaving everything wet under the slivers of sun that peek out and disappear again. “They should be back by now, right?”
Wilde doesn’t answer, muscle in his jaw tightening as Hudson sets his hand on his back. It’s weird to see him lending anyone comfort, let alone Wilde, and I’d sort of like him to send some of that comfort my way instead.
I’m his brother.
And it’s my boyfriend who up and disappeared.
“Ziggy’s okay,” Wilde finally grunts.
“You don’t know that.”
“I said he’s okay, so he’s okay.”
My hands tighten at my sides. “It doesn’t work like that! You don’t get to say something is fine, and then it happens. Sometimes the world is fucked-up.”
Wilde snaps. “You think I don’t know that?” He gets in my face, the forced calm long gone. “I know what pain is. And if I say Ziggy is fine, then he’s fine, right up until the second we learn otherwise.”
It’s then that it hits me Wilde isn’t saying Ziggy’s fine for my benefit. It’s for his.
Hudson gets between us, hands on Wilde’s chest, like he’s holding him back, but Wilde is already deflating. It’s so hard for me to acknowledge that Wilde actually cares about other people.
“Look at me,” Hudson murmurs. “Ziggy’s smart. He can handle himself. We both know he’s fine, and if something happened, we’d know already. Okay?”
Slowly, Wilde nods. “Okay.”
Then Hudson thumps his shoulder. “And yell at my brother like that again and we’ll have real issues, got it?”
Wilde’s stormy gaze moves slowly from Hudson to me. “Sorry.”
“Uh, thank you?”
They huddle together, and if it weren’t for my complete freak-out over Ziggy, that short interaction would actually give me hope for things with Hudson. But I can’t hope for anything until I know Ziggy’s okay.
“Five more minutes,” I say, pacing again. “If he’s not back in five minutes, I’m going looking.” Not that I think I’ll be able to do anything, but there’s no way in hell I can keep waiting around. It feels like my damn chest is being torn out.
“If anything’s happened to him—”
“Nothing’s happened.”
I send a glare Wilde’s way. “I’ll join Lynx in making a project for Booker.”
“Wow, dark, bro,” Hudson mutters, head on Wilde’s shoulder.
It might be dark and not like me, but I think I mean it.
I don’t care if they think I’m being dramatic; even the possibility of Ziggy being hurt is making it hard to breathe.
I talk about love and losing it all the time, but all my other relationships ending felt like failure.
Like something to be embarrassed about. Something to beat myself up over.
Losing Ziggy feels like … nothing. Like being emptied of all the things that make me who I am and being left with a vacant existence.
I don’t want to try again.
Because there is no again.
I said I wanted to fall in love for the last time.
And it feels a whole lot like falling in love for the first as well.
There’s sound from the forest, and I look up to find Lynx manhandling a man into the opening with Ziggy right behind them.
Relief crashes into me.
The others barely register as I tear past them to get to Ziggy, and as soon as he’s within reach, I haul him into a hug. It’s like every cell in my body lets out a relieved breath, and I sink into the feel of him in my arms.
“Are you okay?” I ask, pulling back to check he’s in one piece. “What happened?”
Ziggy’s gaze strays over my shoulder to where the others are, and then he holds up the two enormous knives he’s holding.
I look at them and back to the man in front of Ziggy. He’s got waterlogged blond curls, big blue eyes, and I can’t work out if he’s wearing a huge T-shirt or a tiny dress. “That guy is who we were searching for?”
Ziggy nods. “Said his name is Sasha.”
I watch as Wilde leads them up the short wooden steps and into the Cutty. “Did you want to go with them?”
“No.”
Good. After the stress of the last hour or so, all I want is to crash, knowing that Ziggy is okay and everything is exactly the way it should be. “Did something happen, or did you just … leave?”
He’s chewing on his tongue, and I can tell he’s in that space where he really, really doesn’t want to answer. I just hope he wins the fight because after all that stress, I want to be able to understand.
“I thought … I knew … where he was,” he says, and his voice is a relief.
“It’s okay,” I tell him. “Take whatever time you need to.”
“I don’t want …” He pulls tight to himself. “You to be … mad at me.”
Mad? At him?
It’s then that I realize my body language. My expression. The way I’m holding his upper arms. How close I’m standing.
I release him so he has some space. “I’m not mad. I was worried because I kept picturing the worst, but …” And this part is hard for me to say. “I trust you. Whatever choice you made, I know you did it for the right reasons.”
Ziggy reaches out and takes my hand, fingers slotting between mine. “Thank you.”
The words I love you are on my tongue, but I hold them back. I always say them too early. I always drop them without meaning. This time, knowing exactly how much they really do mean, it’s difficult to get them out. I don’t want to scare Ziggy off.
I want him to get there in his own time.
“I knew where he was,” Ziggy tries again. “Well, I had a hunch. And I was right. He took shelter in my home, and we trapped him in there. I knew he’d be scared, so I wanted to get to him as soon as possible.”
“He was there the whole time?”
Ziggy nods, smile tilting upward. “You were right when you said you were hearing things.”
“Fuck me. He has definitely seen us naked.”
His chuckle is soft. “I really thought Lynx was going to kill him.”
“What happened?”
“He chased him down, tackled him, had the knife … I yelled at him to stop, and when he didn’t … I was going to take Lynx on.”
“You were?” It’s not that I don’t think Ziggy is capable, but he’s not a fighter. He’s like me.
“I couldn’t let him get hurt.”
“Did Lynx touch you?” I might not be confrontational, but if he so much as scratched Ziggy—
“It didn’t get to that. Bob stopped him instead.”
“Wait. The bobcat? The one that’s weirdly possessive of Lynx?”
“Yep.”
“Why?”
Ziggy shrugs his narrow shoulders. “Anyone’s guess. It was weird.”
I’ll say. The cat is the first to attack if it thinks Lynx is in danger, but then it stopped him from hurting a stranger?
With a sigh, I remind myself that I don’t care. Lynx, Sasha, the cat, Wilde … none of them matter to me.
Not like Ziggy does.
And he’s safe.
“You did the right thing,” I assure him. “But next time, maybe you could give me the heads-up? So I don’t feel like I’m about to puke and end up threatening everyone within earshot?”
His big eyes soften, and he squeezes my hand. “I’m sorry.”
“I know. We’re still learning at this thing, after all.”
“I don’t think I’ll ever get used to having a boyfriend.”
“It’s okay.” For the first time ever, it really is. “We’ve got time.”
And we do. A lot of it. It’s a whole new experience to not be in a rush to make him fall for me and to take the back seat in a relationship for once. Ziggy has the wheel. He’s the one who’ll get us to where we need to be.
And I trust him to do it.
“You threatened people?” he asks.
Not my finest moment. “I would have followed through on it too. For you.” Ziggy is everything that’s amazing in this world, and I want him to know it.
“A few months ago, I never would have been able to stand up for myself. My default is to run from conflict.” I cup his face, holding it exactly like my hands were made to do.
“But if you can find your voice when it’s needed, then so can I. You inspire me, Ziggy.”
His eyes shine with all the words building inside him.
But he doesn’t have to say one.
Because I know what Lynx means about Ziggy not needing words to communicate, and everything about him is proud of me.
The same way I’m proud of him.