Elle’s Epilogue
ELLE’S EPILOGUE
Baton Rouge found its way into my heart by offering Sutter more opportunities.
We regularly visited the museum and university.
One day, we sat in a lecture discussing wave-particle duality.
Sutter started smiling ten minutes into the class, while I felt like the professor was speaking a different language.
As we headed home to meet Zodiac for lunch, I asked Sutter, “Did you understand that?”
“Not even a little bit,” he replied from the back seat.
“So why were you smiling?”
“I sometimes worry I’ll run out of things to learn,” Sutter explained while grinning to himself. “But I didn’t have any idea what he was saying today. I’m excited that there’s so much left to learn in the world.”
I had long worried Sutter would find himself intellectually stifled by living in Little Memphis. Once he outgrew our life, I’d lose my boy to the bigger world. In Baton Rouge, I hoped Sutter could flourish while remaining close to home.
By Thanksgiving, the main house at the “Mouth of Madness Compound” was finished enough to have my family down for dinner.
I showed off my shiny engagement ring while feeding the Reed family in our massive dining room.
The next day, Zodiac and I had a less formal dinner for the Black Rainbow members.
Christmas was spent in Little Memphis with the plan to remain in my hometown until my due date in the first week of January. For weeks, Zodiac kept his cool while living in my parents’ basement.
Two days before New Year’s Eve, my water broke as I shook my ass to “All I Want for Christmas Is You.” I wasn’t worried since my water broke with Sutter while gyrating to a Joan Jett song.
My labor started well with minimal pain.
Four hours later at the hospital, I was in agony and nearly bit through the adult pacifier Zodiac had bought me for Christmas.
At one point, I begged Zodiac to cut off his balls, so we’d never go through this again.
Thirty minutes later, I was jonesing on my epidural.
“I’ll do it,” Zodiac said during a quiet period before the pushing phase. “I’m strong enough to be a badass without balls.”
“I think you actually keep your balls,” I explained. “The doctor just snips the little tubes that allow you to jizz babies into me.”
“Either way, I’ll do it,” he insisted, barely able to hide his horror at my earlier crying.
“I don’t want to be one of those people chasing a specific sex, you know? A girl would be nice, but I feel like Trent is it for me.”
“Then, I’ll snip my balls.”
“Or we could roll the dice with me taking a different birth control,” I offered, worried that Zodiac would feel neutered if he actually was, in fact, neutered.
“I don’t know,” he muttered. “Are you going to freak out again during delivery?”
“Absolutely. Pushing was hard with Sutter, and Trent is a bigger baby,” I said, and Zodiac exhaled like he was dying inside.
“But it’s not a permanent pain. Think of it this way: imagine someone was messing with me.
You’d want to kick his ass, right? And the guy might hurt you in the process.
But in the end, the pain would be worth it.
Well, that’s what pushing is like. It’ll be a struggle, but in the end, I get to hold our son. ”
Zodiac gave me a little smirk. “I like how you dumbed that down for me.”
“I’m just repeating what my mom and dad told me when I was struggling during my first labor,” I murmured and smiled at Shay and Ford chilling in the room.
Zodiac nodded, but I felt him emotionally breaking down. He had zero experience with such powerlessness. All he could do was stay by my side.
After twenty minutes of pushing, Trent Michael Reed Bondi was born. He screamed holy hell until he got cleaned and bundled up.
Zodiac didn’t relax until he saw Trent in my arms. His entire demeanor changed from tightly coiled fear to relieved smugness.
“I think he looks like me,” Zodiac insisted and lifted his small baby picture next to Trent’s face.
“I totally see it,” I told him, even if Trent looked like every single baby I’d ever seen.
Twenty minutes after I gave birth, Sutter arrived with Clint and Ivy. My mom showered me with affection while my dad introduced Sutter to Trent.
“It’s not easy being an older brother,” Ford told his grandson. “This little guy will piss you off a lot. But he also might be the best friend you ever have. You just have to learn to take the good with the bad.”
Clint looked at me and smiled. We’d had our own ups and downs over the years. He could be arrogant. I was often obnoxious. We stuck close, though, and trusted each other.
Seeing Sutter hold Trent left me in tears. For nine months, I’d been waiting for something bad to happen. To see my boys together removed a huge weight from my heart.
When Zodiac sent pictures and baby info to his guys back in Baton Rouge, he didn’t mention our son’s middle name. Michael had been my idea. I wanted to honor the little boy who survived against a world determined to break him.
Despite how proud Zodiac behaved toward his boy, he didn’t hold him. I noticed how he handed the baby from one person to another, but he never cradled Trent himself.
Shay noticed, too, and frowned at me. I hugged her and whispered, “Zodiac tends to have a delayed reaction to anything that makes him feel weak. It’s just how he processes things.”
My mom gave me a warm smile full of pride. “You know how your man operates.”
Though tired, I stayed awake to enjoy my happy family all together. Eventually, Ford and Shay decided to take Sutter home. Clint and Ivy left soon afterward. Zodiac, Trent, and I were suddenly alone.
I brushed my lips across the baby’s forehead and hoped Trent would live a happy life. Zodiac frowned when I teared up.
“We should send a birth notice to Caren,” I whispered.
“What the fuck for?”
“That way, she’ll know you’re happy, while she’s still an infected toe wearing a bad wig.”
Zodiac chuckled and nodded. “That would piss her off.”
Seeing him relax, I finally asked, “Do you want to hold your son?”
Zodiac looked at the baby and nodded. Once I handed Trent to him, I was finally able to rest. I watched the two of them with half-open eyes. Zodiac wore the most content smile on his face. His armor was completely down, leaving his heart on display.
Living away from my family wasn’t easy, but Zodiac was worth the bad days.
He took to parenting a baby with the same ease as he did when bonding with Sutter.
Zodiac was a smart, hardworking guy who didn’t shy away from problems. If something needed doing, he got it handled.
I could see how he had taken a club away from men with more experience.
When Zodiac set his mind to something, nothing stood in his way.
As Trent got a little older, I marveled at how much he looked like Zodiac’s baby picture.
My younger son inherited his dad’s blond hair, icy blue eyes, and facial features.
Zodiac swore Trent looked like me when the boy smiled, but I couldn’t see it.
We agreed that Trent looked just like Sutter when he laughed.
Sutter took his big brother role very seriously. He was intensely protective of Trent. More than once, my eight-year-old would shush large bikers when they got too loud during his brother’s naptime.
Every night, Sutter read a baby book to Trent. Then, I would read a grown-up book to Sutter before putting him to bed. Finally, Zodiac would read a pamphlet to me as we got naked. Our life fell into a wonderful routine.
A year to the day after meeting, Zodiac and I got married. The wedding was relaxed with our family and friends at the Sorority House. I wore a simple white knee-length dress, my club vest, and sparkly flats. Zodiac was decked out in a black button-up shirt, black jeans, and his club vest.
We had two receptions. During the one in Little Memphis, my club mates—Vanessa, Graham, Dalisay, and Jas—played acoustic versions of Zodiac’s favorite songs from the band Death.
Our second reception was at the Mouth of Madness Compound. Several of my fellow foxes rode down to celebrate, since I was hoping Zodiac was right about York’s interest in one of them. To my delight, magic struck! I soon had a local fox to keep me company.
After the wedding, Zodiac adopted Sutter. It was important to my husband to make our family feel real in the way his never did. That’s also why he wanted our home to be perfect.
We updated every inch of the property. Though I was often overwhelmed by the constant renovations, Zodiac never got rattled.
That year, I fell even deeper in love with the sexy bastard. He effortlessly juggled club issues and family obligations without losing his cool.
When Zodiac was home, he was completely present with us. He played with his boys and always made me feel like the sexiest fox in the world.
Despite Zodiac’s inability to get flustered, I made sure he knew he wasn’t alone. We had his back, even if he didn’t need anyone to lighten the load. Zodiac used to say that no one loved him more than he loved himself. I made it my mission to ensure he knew that was no longer true.
Sutter and Trent were crazy about their dad. They stopped whatever they were doing once he arrived home. He took the boys for walks around our large property. Once the observatory was completed, he spent hours in there with Sutter and Trent.
With Zodiac often at home with us, the Black Rainbow members were always rolling up to the property to check in with him. I got to know the guys well, often having them stay for dinner. Feeding men was a good way to win their hearts.
Alabama and the other two old ladies weren’t so sure about me in the beginning. I didn’t feel comfortable being overly honest with them about Zodiac. He was the club president, and I was protective of his image.
The old ladies grew edgier once Goldie moved to Baton Rouge. The first few club parties were organized by Lula, Goldie, and me. There was a building “us vs them” vibe brewing between the original old ladies and the Crimson Guard foxes.
Shay played peacemaker by inviting Alabama and the old ladies over for lunch. Rather than talk about men, we kept the conversation focused on easier topics like kids and pets.
Over the years, more women married into our Black Rainbow family. Growing up with my wild friends made me a natural leader of the wives. Many of them helped me at the local branch of the Sabine Women’s Center that I opened when Trent was four.
By then, Zodiac and I felt our family was complete. Years had passed without an oops baby.
When Trent got old enough for sports, Zodiac and I became coaches for several local teams. That was how we met Ashleigh.
The feisty little brunette attached herself to me during soccer practices.
She and Trent became fast friends, often talking over each other in their silly way.
Ashleigh’s mom was young and single. Wanting to help out Erica, Zodiac and I offered to keep Ashleigh overnight when she needed to work extra shifts.
Ashleigh’s hazel eyes shined the entire time she was at our house. Soon, we kept her through entire weekends and turned a guest room into her space. Zodiac even asked Ojai to paint cat murals on her walls.
Early on, we realized Erica was really out partying rather than working. Zodiac and I let her lie because we liked having Ashleigh at our house. That summer, Erica claimed she needed to stay at her aunt’s home in another state for several months. Would we be okay keeping Ashleigh for that long?
The girl fit into our family so perfectly. She was crazy about Trent and Sutter, often exploring with them on the property. She loved cuddling with me like I had done with Shay. Her behavior with Zodiac was just like mine with Ford.
One warm day that summer, Trent, Sutter, and Ashleigh were helping Zodiac work on his motorcycle.
At one point, she ran inside and said, “Dad needs a cold drink.” The way she said those words erased my common sense.
For months, I had been telling myself I couldn’t keep her, just like I had once tried to convince myself that Zodiac and I couldn’t work.
“I love her,” I admitted to Zodiac that night. “I want to keep her.”
His blue eyes sharpened, and he nodded. “I do, too. She feels like our kid.”
“What do we do?”
Zodiac replied like a man who had already worked out the problem long ago.
“The worst part of being a foster kid is the uncertainty. I never knew if I would stay anywhere long enough to unpack my things or make friends. If we do this thing with Ashleigh, we make it official and have Erica sever her rights. I don’t want the bitch to come back years from now and try to steal our girl. ”
Erica didn’t take much convincing to give up her rights. She had a new boyfriend with a job in Alaska. That was apparently where she had gone during the summer.
“I don’t think Ashleigh would like it there,” Erica said as if she were doing her daughter a favor.
I worried Ashleigh would be hurt by Erica’s rejection. Instead, she had already accepted her mother’s shortcomings. Ashleigh was like Zodiac in how she dealt with the bullshit thrown at her and made the best out of every situation.
We threw a party at the compound when Ashleigh officially became our daughter and a member of the Reed Bondi family.
As we set off fireworks, seven-year-old Trent and Ashleigh ran around high-fiving everyone.
Fifteen-year-old Sutter carried our lazy senior dog, Hobbs, while our Golden Retriever mix, Styles, followed behind.
Clint’s boys—Hank and Gus—stared in awe at the fireworks while Lil Paxton rode Exile’s shoulders and wore his daddy’s cowboy hat.
I stood with Zodiac and admired everyone together. The journey to this moment had been filled with doubts. I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to live so far from my family. I also worried a wild man like Zodiac would get bored with marriage and fatherhood. We were both in uncharted territory.
Yet, loving my husband felt easy, like he was put on this earth to be mine. I really did hit the jackpot by owning the heart of a man like Zodiac Bondi.