Chapter 17
“Y ou look peaked, madam.”
Indeed, her reflection in the mirror was quite pale and Hannah pinched her cheeks, trying to bring some colour to them.
Strange that she could only achieve the palest pink when a few hours before she was so flushed, she had thought she would remain red-faced forever.
Simon’s confession on his dressing room floor had shocked her into complete dumbness.
While Caroline had already broached the idea of Simon being in love with her, it had never entered her mind that Simon could feel so deeply about her. His love for her was profound. She could not imagine anyone feeling that way about her.
Even with John, his love confession had been an innocently sweet moment. She had been six and ten and walking with him in the garden when he had taken her hand between both his own and with no preamble said he loved her. Those three little words elated her, so much so that their first kiss followed. Its simplicity was perfect for the young, na?ve girl she had been then.
Simon’s confession was the confession of a grown man. Naked, still flushed from their lovemaking, speaking of the genuine pain that came with such deep emotions. They were complex and intense and so much more complicated than innocent adolescent love.
So complicated that she had not known what to say in the moment. Even now, all these hours later, she still did not know what to say.
A grave failure on her part because her silence had driven Simon from the room. Even worse, she let him go because she knew she could not say the words he wanted to hear, and yet, she also could not claim she would never say them.
Which made no sense. None of her thoughts made sense anymore. She felt so many contradictory feelings at once, leaving her mind and heart a messy disaster.
She had retreated to her bedchamber to try to sort it, but all these hours later, it was still a mess.
She did know that her feelings for Simon had changed beyond what they had been before they had married.
Before their marriage, he had been her friend, a pseudo-family member, someone she cared about, but not an object of her focus, as he was never around.
And that was because he had been avoiding her as he was in love with her and she was mourning John.
John, who she had thought was her only love. Her soulmate, the two of them destined to be together. Then he died, and she had convinced herself that she was destined to spend her life mourning him as the end to their tragic love story.
But she was no longer the mourning fiancée . In truth, it had been some time since she had been that. Slowly, without her realizing it, her grief for John had lessened. She had already begun returning to the world these last two years. Her marriage to Simon had only been the final push she needed, a way to finally grant herself permission to begin living again.
And now here she was, Simon in love with her. And her in love with Simon?
At least that was what Caroline had said. And Lady Mount.
Am I in love with Simon?
She knew she had profound feelings for Simon. They were much like what she felt for John.
Affection. Companionship. Desire.
It was similar, but different.
But do I love Simon?
She did not know.
And with a glance at the clock on the mantle, she could not ruminate on it any longer. Lady Mount was expecting her.
At least she would solve one mystery in her life. She was determined to learn what had happened between Penelope and the Officer. Even if she had to refuse to let Penelope leave until she told the entire story, Hannah was willing to do it if it meant she would finally have the answers she wanted.
She gave one last disapproving look at her pale cheeks before dismissing her maid and leaving her bedchamber.
A cloud of apprehension hung over her as she descended the stairs, the hushed atmosphere intensifying her fear that Simon would not be waiting for her in the hall. Archer had said he had not left his bedchamber since he had returned to the house, so she knew he was still here. But after what had happened, she would not blame him for not holding to his promise to escort her to Lady Mount’s.
If he was not waiting there, all would still be well. This morning she had expected to attend the dinner alone. Her plans had not truly changed if he did not come.
And yet it was a relief to find Simon standing in the hall, dressed for dinner, his coat and hat waiting to be donned. He stepped forward to offer her his hand as she took the last few steps.
“Good evening,” he said with a small dip of his chin.
“Good evening. I did not know if I should expect you to escort me.”
He offered her a smile that did not quite meet his eyes. “What kind of husband would I be if I did not escort my wife to dinner?”
“But after—”
“I will always honour my promises to you. I am still your husband and your friend,” he said. “Nothing has changed.”
Except everything had changed for her, but what was she to say?
I do not know if I can love you because I do not know what love is anymore.
He would not understand because even she did not understand.
So, as she had before, she said nothing, accepting his offered arm, and they left for Lady Mount’s.
***
Simon had only been inside Lady Mount’s drawing room once. It was not long after he had moved into the house, when he returned the call Lady Mount had made to him to welcome him to the square. The opulent room had been full of dogs then, but tonight they were conspicuously absent.
He might have liked to have the dogs here tonight. He could scoop one up and put his attention on it to ease his discomfort in his wife’s presence. The short walk together from their own door to Lady Mount’s had been uncomfortable enough.
He was doing his best to act as if nothing had happened, but it was a trial. He did not want to punish Hannah for rejecting him. He could not help how he felt, and she could not help how she felt. There was no blame to be had in the situation.
They were still husband and wife, and a husband escorted his wife to social events.
Damn Camden and Theo! Why did I ever let them convince me that running away was no longer an option?
“Mr. Langley, you are quite the troublemaker,” Lady Mount said as she swept over to them. “I had been led to believe you were not in Town. Your arrival made me scramble to rearrange the table settings. And invite an additional lady to even the numbers. Thankfully, Mrs. Jacobs was able to accept my invitation, so dear Sir George will not be without a companion at the table.”
“My apologies for causing you distress,” he said. “It was a surprise to everyone that I returned today. Had I known you were to host a dinner, Lady Mount, I would have never left in the first place.”
“You are a flatterer,” Lady Mount said with a bat of her eyelashes that showed she appreciated it. “I do hope you flatter your wife just as much. She deserves it, for I have never met a kinder soul. She has been a faithful companion to me during your absence.”
“I must thank you for being her faithful companion as well,” he said, side-stepping the flatterer remark. “I know Mrs. Langley cherishes your friendship.”
“As do I,” Lady Mount said, reaching out to squeeze Hannah’s hand affectionately. “Now, dear, did you bring the letters?”
Hannah nodded and lifted her reticule, the bag appearing much heftier than it normally did with its usual contents of a linen hankie and a fan.
“Excellent. Now, when our special guests arrive, I do not think it would be advantageous to approach Mrs. Selkirk then,” Lady Mount told Hannah.
“I agree,” Hannah replied. “We’ll find an opportunity to speak to her after dinner, when it is only the ladies in the drawing room. If the letters might cause issue with Mr. Selkirk, she will have a chance to conceal them from her husband if need be.”
Lady Mount nodded. “I shall do my best to distract the other ladies so you may have a private word with her.”
Simon had to chuckle at the two of them. Hannah had found a fine companion in Lady Mount, and they were much better at plotting than Hannah and Caroline had been.
“In wonderful, although unrelated, news,” Lady Mount said. “My dear Phoebe shall be having pups. I insist that you take one once they are weaned. It will be the perfect practise for when you have children. Which I do hope will come soon enough.”
Bright red circles bloomed on Hannah’s pale cheeks as Lady Mount winked at her.
“All in due course, Lady Mount,” Simon said, although he was uncertain it was true. They had never discussed children, but he assumed Hannah wanted them. Perhaps they should have discussed it before. Although they might be too late now.
After all, he had not been careful. There was every possibility that Hannah was already carrying his child at this very moment.
He glanced at her and she offered him a pained smile, which he supposed he should get used to going forward. A pitying smile was all he would see for the rest of his life.
The arrival of Rothsay and Cat, along with the Bellas and Mrs. Jacobs, spared him from that pitying smile as they greeted the new arrivals.
“I am surprised to see you here this evening,” Rothsay said when they had stepped away from the ladies. “I was told you went to Lockwood.”
“I did, but I’ve returned.”
“That goes without saying,” Rothsay retorted sharply. “Do you intend to share the reason for your visit?”
Simon fell back on the same excuse he had used with Camden. “I wished to check on the progress of the mill.”
The arrival of Mr. Daly and his friend Mr. McCafferty halted their conversation as the young gentlemen were introduced around the room. It was apparent that they were already acquainted with the Bellas as the gamine girls batted their eyelashes at them. Simon hoped the girls would not break the gentlemen’s hearts.
“Camden has detailed the progress in his letters to us,” Rothsay said, and then lowered his voice with an eye towards the other guests. “You can tell me why you really went there. Did you hear about a problem? Has something happened to Camden?”
He did not want Rothsay to worry over their friend, and he certainly did not want him to think Camden had done something wrong.
“I had a need to get away for a time,” Simon said. “Lockwood seemed the best choice.”
“I see, and getting away had something to do with your wife, yes?” Simon did not even have to nod before Rothsay was shaking his head in disappointment. “And I thought Cat and I were a mess when we married. The two of you put us to shame. Tell the lady how you feel, Langley, and put both of you out of your misery.”
“I told her.”
“And what did she say?”
“She said she did not know what to say.”
That silenced Rothsay for a moment.
“Not what one wishes to hear after a love confession,” he finally said.
Simon looked to Hannah, speaking animatedly with Cat and the Bellas. No one would ever know that hours before she had to fend off the love confession of a childhood-friend-turned-husband.
“Indeed. It says it all, without saying anything.”
“Perhaps you surprised her and she requires time to consider. Women might be the fairer sex, but they can be much more practical in matters of love. I remember my mother would always tell my sister it was a lady’s privilege to take her time before answering a proposal.”
He appreciated his friend’s attempts to buoy him, but the reality was Simon had always known Hannah would never love him.
Caroline and her parents were the next to arrive, the Viscount Carrick offering Simon a warm greeting as he joined him and Rothsay, thankfully putting an end to private conversations.
The butler then presented the Earl of Courtright and his handsome young grandson, the latter appearing as unwilling to enter the room as a condemned man walking towards the gallows.
Simon did not blame the grandson for his reluctance. The young man knew his invitation was intended to even out the numbers at a septuagenarian’s table. He likely expected to spend tonight beside a lady whose age was closer to death than his own age.
When the young man’s eyes blew wide as he took in the pretty young ladies in the room, Simon had to bite back a chuckle. The young man straightened his shoulders, and his dejected frown turned into a charming smile as he was introduced.
The butler soon reappeared to announce the arrival of tonight’s most anticipated guests, Mr. and Mrs. Selkirk. Mrs. Selkirk was grey-haired, with wrinkles and a softness that came with age but she exuded a certain radiance that made her a striking woman even in her fifth decade. She must have been stunning in her younger days.
Mr. Selkirk was tall and lanky, his grey hair thinning on his pate and temples, a pair of spectacles perched on his nose adding an intellectual air to his appearance.
“Mrs. Selkirk, how wonderful of you to attend my little gathering,” Lady Mount said. “It has been many years since we dined together, but you look just as lovely as I remember.”
“Thank you, Lady Mount. And might I say the same to you,” Mrs. Selkirk replied. “Allow me to introduce my husband, Mr. Edward Selkirk. I do not believe you have made his acquaintance.”
“A pleasure, sir. Now, you must allow me to introduce you to my guests.”
Lady Mount moved them around the room, introducing Lord and Lady Rothsay, Lord and Lady Carrick, and the other guests by rank before coming to Simon and Hannah.
“Mr. and Mrs. Langley own the house just to the left of mine,” Lady Mount said. “I believe that is where you and I first met, Mrs. Selkirk.”
“Oh, how lovely for you both. It is a beautiful house,” Mrs. Selkirk said. “Mr. Selkirk, do you remember the house? I recall you stayed there for a time.”
“Indeed I did,” Mr. Selkirk replied. “My uncle rented it once upon a time. It was a lovely house. I remember the drawing room and the exquisite frieze of Jason and the Argonauts,” Mr. Selkirk said. “Is it still there?”
“It is,” Hannah replied. “We would be happy to show it to you if you would like to see it again.”
“What a kind offer,” Mrs. Selkirk said. “It would be nice to see it once again.”
“Please do call on us any time,” Hannah said, as welcoming as could be.
Sir George Barrett was the last guest to arrive, taking his time to cross the drawing room due to his arthritic knees. Well, at least Simon knew he would be a better escort for Hannah than Sir George.
Lady Mount smiled at everyone in the room. “Let us go through to dinner.”
Mr. Selkirk offered his arm to Mrs. Selkirk with a loving smile, the man’s devotion evident. With a faithful admirer, a loving first husband and now an adoring second husband, it was clear Mrs. Selkirk was a woman who inspired the love of many.
Much like his own wife. It was a pity Simon could not inspire the same.
He offered Hannah his arm to escort her to the dining room, feeling every part the fool now.
Hannah gave him that pitying smile once again, and he hated himself for ever having hope that anything would change.