Chapter 18
H annah had anticipated that tonight would be a grand night of drama and mystery that would reach an epic climax when she presented the letters to Mrs. Selkirk. The sight of the letters would overwhelm the older lady, throwing her mind back decades to when she was forced to choose between two gallant gentlemen who vied for her affections.
Hannah would offer her a handkerchief to dab at her eyes and Mrs. Selkirk would finally reveal the identity of the Officer and why she had rejected him. And then, with the answer finally revealed, the anxiety that plagued Hannah would be gone. With the mystery that had been an ever-present shadow in her life for weeks now solved, she could return to a serene existence once again.
She would no longer feel the turmoil that now swirled in her belly, making all of tonight’s food taste like sawdust. Tonight was not only be about solving the mystery of the letters, it would give Hannah the knowledge she needed to have her peaceful life back again.
That seems to be quite the intense pressure to put on the identity of the writer of old love letters, do you not think?
She brushed away the nettlesome thought. She needed to focus on the task at hand. She had played out in her mind all the ways tonight would go and rehearsed all the ways she could approach Mrs. Selkirk. Yet now that she was here, they were all gone.
The fact was that Mrs. Selkirk’s presence and the letters had been cast in the shadow of Simon’s confession.
For years, he had loved her but had hidden away his feelings. The more she thought about it, the more angry she became.
Why had he never told her?
Yes, she had been engaged to John and would take every opportunity to go on at length about how she could not wait to marry him.
And yes, a confession of love from any man would have been considered wholly improper as she was affianced. She could understand how that would be a deterrent to a confession, but what about after John was gone?
Yes, she had dressed in full mourning for years on end, hiding herself behind a veil until Caroline had threatened to never speak to her again if she was forced to do it to a veil another moment more.
And yes, there had been the years of half mourning, which coincided with the beginning of Simon’s absence from her life. She supposed it made sense why he had said nothing then, but what about when they married?
A lady about to be married deserved all the facts. After all, how could one expect to plan one’s future without knowing every option?
In fact, Simon should have told her before she was engaged to John! If he had, she might have…
Yes, what might you have done if he had told you back then?
The truth was that if Simon had told her before the engagement, after John died, or when they married, she would have thanked him and then told him as kindly as possible that she did not return his feelings and could only love John.
And that was why he never told you, silly girl.
Her anger deflated along with the long sigh she let out. Now she was merely sad.
This was not at all how she had expected tonight to go. She had been a poor dining partner for Mr. Selkirk, who Lady Mount had kindly seated her next to. She had tried her best to listen to him when he spoke of his home in Cornwall, but her mind remained on Simon and his confession, rather than discovering information about Mrs. Selkirk through her husband. She needed to put aside her preoccupation with her own love life and focus on another’s. The night would be an entire waste if she did not focus on the task at hand.
At least now they had left the gentlemen in the dining room with their port, making it easier for her to forget about Simon. She would seize her opportunity to speak with Mrs. Selkirk in the drawing room and reveal the letters. Ideally, before someone else said something to the woman and give away the game.
Hannah had to praise the Bellas for their discretion at the table, avoiding any hints of the plan regarding Mrs. Selkirk. Hannah had feared the girls would inadvertently spoil the surprise at some point.
Thankfully, Mr. Daly and Mr. McCafferty were quite entertaining dinner partners and kept the girls occupied. She hoped that although the young gentlemen were away with their port, the girls would stay composed.
Thankfully, the other ladies knew the plan and left the seat beside Mrs. Selkirk on the sofa open. Her loaded reticule bounced against her hip when Hannah took the seat, as if the letters were eager to be free now that Mrs. Selkirk was within reach.
“I hope that Mr. Selkirk was not too stoic during dinner, Mrs. Langley. He can be quite shy if left to his own devices,” Mrs. Selkirk said.
Although Hannah could not recall much of the conversation with Mr. Selkirk, it was not the man’s fault.
“He was an excellent dinner companion,” Hannah replied, searching for something she could remember from the conversation. “He spoke of the improvements you were making to your home in Cornwall. The installation of gas lighting, I believe. How modern.”
“Modern, but also dangerous. That is why we are in Town. I refuse to have my house burn down around me. Mr. Selkirk assures me it is perfectly safe, but we shall see.”
“Yes, I do not know how comfortable I would feel with it in the house,” Hannah said, giving herself the perfect opportunity to direct the conversation to the letters. “It is interesting to know you lived in my house once upon a time. I would love to know what it was like when you lived there.”
“Oh, I am afraid I never lived there, Mrs. Langley,” Mrs. Selkirk said. “My first husband’s father rented the house and I visited while we were courting, such as for the dinner where I was introduced to Lady Mount. But after we married, Mr. Mortimer and I went straight to the family estate in Cornwall where we stayed until he died.”
“I am sorry for your loss,” Hannah replied, the manners drilled into her head coming to the forefront while her imagination went off on its own lark.
Was Mrs. Selkirk lying about never having lived there? Doubtful, as there was no reason to do so. If she had never lived in the house, how had the letters ended up in the wall?
She need not have lived in the house to have hidden the letters there. What if she had put them there during the brief period between her wedding and departing for Cornwall? She may have wanted them to never risk her marriage to Mr. Mortimer but could not bring herself to destroy the Officer’s beautiful world and so she hid them away in a rented house, never to be found.
Hannah leaned in and lowered her voice to just above a whisper. “I only believed you once lived in the house because…well, I believe I found something of yours that you left in the house.”
Mrs. Selkirk frowned. “I could not think of anything I might have left there. What makes you believe it is mine?”
Hannah reached into her reticule and pulled out the stack of letters she had wrapped once again in the pink ribbon. She searched for a spark of recognition in Mrs. Selkirk’s eyes, but there was still only bewilderment.
“I believe you are the P to whom these letters are addressed,” Hannah said.
She handed them to Mrs. Selkirk, who accepted them with a curious expression but still no flash of recognition.
“They were hidden behind the wainscotting in the library,” Hannah said, hoping to spark a memory. “Forgive me for reading them, but I wanted to know who to return them to.”
“I cannot offer you any forgiveness, Mrs. Langley, as I am afraid I have never seen these letters before,” Mrs. Selkirk said. “I am also quite certain I concealed nothing in the walls of that house.”
Could she have been entirely mistaken about the intended recipient of the letters? She was certain about the year the letters were written. Could Miss Isabella be correct, and someone wrote the letters elsewhere, then hid them years later? Had this all been a waste of time?
Perhaps she was fated to never solve this mystery.
Mrs. Selkirk handed the letters back to Hannah, but before she could accept them, Mrs. Selkirk frowned and took them back, pulling a letter from the stack. She examined the P scrawled on the outside. “The handwriting…I recognize it.”
Her forehead wrinkled as she unfolded the letter, eyes flitting back and forth as she read the letter. Her hand came to rest over her mouth and as Mrs. Selkirk reached the end, tears filled her eyes.
Hannah did not blame her. It was the final letter the Officer had written, declaring his eternal love for her in the face of her imminent betrothal. The sheer devotion in those letters carried through the years.
Mrs. Selkirk was quick to read the next letter and Hannah noticed the surrounding conversation had died down as Mrs. Selkirk read. The other ladies were watching them with piqued interest.
Caroline tilted her head to the side with a questioning look, and Hannah nodded eagerly.
Mrs. Selkirk may not have concealed the letters, but the eagerness with which she read them said she was undoubtedly their intended recipient.
The silence only reigned for a moment longer as the drawing room door opened and the men flooded in to join them.
Hannah looked to Mrs. Selkirk, who was still reading, tears now streaming down her cheeks. Should she try to usher the woman from the room so she could compose herself before her husband saw her?
It would be difficult to explain to him that she was crying over love letters written to her nearly three decades ago.
But before Hannah could say anything, Mrs. Selkirk was beckoning her husband to her side.
“Edward, is there something you would like to tell me?” She held out the letters to him. He frowned, adjusting his spectacles before he began to read. He had only read a few lines before a smile spread over his face.
“My, my, my. I had forgotten all about these letters,” he said and then turned to Hannah. “I assume you found them in your house, Mrs. Langley?”
She nodded. “Hidden behind a wainscotting. In the—”
“Library,” Mr. Selkirk finished with a chuckle. “I remember it took me forever to pry it from the wall. Although that was likely because I had indulged in too much rum after Mrs. Selkirk’s engagement was announced. I cannot believe it took this long for them to be found when I consider how soused I was when I hid them.”
“You are her Faithful Officer?” Hannah asked in disbelief.
Mr. Selkirk’s grin widened. “That is right! I had signed them ‘Your Faithful Officer.’ I was quite the romantic back then.”
“You are still quite the romantic,” Mrs. Selkirk replied. “Although I am disappointed you did not remember to tell me you had written these letters.”
Mr. Selkirk winced. “I am loath to think of the soppy words I likely wrote. I was much too young to be writing love letters.”
“They are beautiful,” Hannah declared without thinking and then blushed at admitting she had read the man’s private correspondence. “I apologize for reading them, but I wanted to return them to their owner.”
“Oh, no need to apologize,” Mr. Selkirk said. “I am certain it caused quite the intrigue to find love letters boarded up behind a wall. Then to read I was in love with my cousin’s intended. How could you stop from reading them all?”
“Cousin? You called Henry your brother.”
“Cousin by blood, but as Henry’s parents raised me in their home, Henry and I considered one another brothers. It was why I could never bring myself to confess my feelings to Penelope. And why I concealed the letters behind a wall. Henry was so happy to propose to her, and I could not ruin that. And I knew I made the right choice when I saw how happy Penelope was after she accepted his proposal.”
Mr. Selkirk’s smile was bittersweet as he looked at his wife, and Hannah found her throat tightening with emotion. All these years later and joined to her in the eyes of God and man, the Officer still bore the pain of Penelope’s engagement to another.
“I could not spoil the happiest day for the two people I cared for with my selfish need to be heard. It was obvious to everyone that the two of them were in love. Only a villain would try to ruin that. So, I drowned my sorrows for a night, hid away the letters and then congratulated them at their wedding.”
“I had no idea,” Mrs. Selkirk said. “You never told me.”
“It was not the happiest time of my life. I kept my distance from both of you after that. It was painful to see you with him, but I never begrudged you your happiness.”
Mrs. Selkirk stared up at her husband with a loving smile, patting his hand affectionately. Hannah was certain that if they were not in public, Mrs. Selkirk would kiss him most ardently. Hannah had half a mind to kiss him herself, so touched by his sacrifice.
Yet there were still answers she wanted and she could not let it go without asking, even if she had no right to do so.
“If Mr. Selkirk never told you how he felt, how are you married now?”
Mrs. Selkirk’s eyes turned sad, although her mouth still held a tender smile. “I had nearly two decades of happiness with Henry before he died. It was the darkest time of my life when I lost him. I thought I would spend the rest of my life as a widow. Yet the sharpest edges of my grief eventually faded and one day I was ready to engage with the world once more.”
“I will admit that I took it as my opportunity,” Mr. Selkirk said proudly. “I may have been too scared to ask when we were young, but in the intervening years, I had learned to be brave. I told her that I had loved her since I met her and I wanted the chance to court her and show her that I could make her happy.”
Mrs. Selkirk smiled at her husband. “It did not take me long to fall in love with him. It was a very short courtship before we married.”
The older couple squeezed one another’s hand and Hannah wished that they could be alone in the moment, if only to truly articulate their affection. The two were devoted to one another despite their history and the complications that had clearly plagued them.
“How lucky you found one another after such a long time,” Hannah ventured cautiously, “But do you not think about what would have happened if you had been honest from the beginning? Your life might have been very different.”
“Perhaps,” Mr. Selkirk said, “But I believe that I came to her when the time was right for us to have a chance together. At any other time, it would not have worked between us.”
Mrs. Selkirk nodded along with her husband. “I love Mr. Selkirk very much. As much as I loved Mr. Mortimer. If I had been forced to choose between the two? No matter who I chose, I would have lost out on the other. Fate intervened so that all of us could find love in the end.”
Hannah wondered at that. Could Fate do such a thing? Could many different souls complement one another and Fate’s responsibility was to guide them together at the appropriate times? Was there a chance for more than one love in life?
After all, Mrs. Selkirk had that. First Henry and now Edward, her Officer who had patiently waited all these years for her.
The others in the room had been glancing at the three of them throughout, although they had maintained decorum as Hannah spoke with the Selkirks, but it appeared that patience had finally worn out as Lady Mount finally called out to the entire room.
“Well, is the mystery solved?”
Hannah gave the Selkirks a pained smile. “I apologize. I orchestrated this evening’s events so that I could meet you. Most everyone here this evening is aware of the letters. Although I promise I did not let them read any of them. I only gave out the information necessary to discover who you were.”
Mrs. Selkirk looked to the gathered room and shook a disbelieving head. “They cannot all be interested in our past.”
“They are,” Hannah told her. “May I tell them who you are?”
The couple exchanged a look before Mr. Selkirk nodded at Hannah to go ahead.
Hannah turned to the room, being given the moment she had longed for since she first read the letters. “Mrs. Selkirk is Miss P…and Mr. Selkirk is the Faithful Officer.”
“He is the Officer?”
“My word!”
“Who would have thought?”
The questions and exclamations continued for a moment before Mrs. Selkirk laughed at the excitement of the gathered guests. Mr. Selkirk was quite red in the cheeks, fidgeting with the spectacles perched on the bridge of his nose. They had not expected such fanfare from the guests in the know as the Bellas crowded around them to pepper the couple with questions.
Hannah found her gaze drawn to Simon, who was on the opposite side of the room, standing next to Lord Rothsay, but watching her.
A sadness lingered in his eyes, yet he managed a congratulatory smile and nod at her success when he met her gaze.
I came to her when the time was right.
Mr. Selkirk’s words echoed through her head and she wondered at how crucial timing could be. There were so many factors that went into each choice in life, and the right time was such a large part of it. So much larger than she ever realized. The choice one might make at one point in life could be very much different if made at another point.
It was not that Penelope could never return Edward’s love because she could only love Henry.
It was that she could not love Edward then .
Now was very much different because they were different.
Just as Hannah was very much different from who she once was.
She had wanted to figure out who she truly was, and now she finally knew.
***
When Hannah and Simon returned to their house, Simon practically vibrated from the silent tension between them. Even Bailey could sense the distress as he greeted them, foregoing his usual question on if they enjoyed their evening. It was for the best that the butler did not ask, as Simon did not know how to answer.
Hannah had been lost in thought since well before they had departed Lady Mount’s. The solution to her mystery was found, confirming the identities of Miss P and the Officer, and the letters were now safely in their possession. Despite the evening being a complete success, Hannah had been reluctant to celebrate it with him. She had been reluctant to celebrate with any of them.
Even when Lady Mount ordered the pouring of wine to toast the returned letters, Hannah only took a small sip, quietly observing as the others celebrated and filled in the unaware guests on the evening’s mystery.
Mr. and Mrs. Selkirk had been quite patient about the whole affair. Simon did not know if he would have been so magnanimous in their place. Mr. Selkirk, in particular, had been very kind about everyone discussing his unrequited love.
Simon could not help but sympathize with the man. After all, his life had been so much like Simon’s own.
Although, while Mrs. Selkirk had eventually fallen in love with Mr. Selkirk, Simon was left to forever mourn what could have been.
No, not what could have been, as Hannah had made it clear it never could be. She had no interest in him. Even now, returned home after such an exciting evening, she seemed reluctant to be alone in his presence.
She let the footman take her mantle and then she drifted off to the staircase without a look back at him, leaving Simon to silently follow her.
They were once again together but alone, moving up the staircase in pace, yet miles apart.
When they reached the landing on the second floor, they came to the centre of the gallery, where they would head in opposite directions to their rooms.
Simon offered her a wan smile.
“I hope you enjoyed your evening and find some contentment in finally solving the mystery of your letters,” Simon said with a neat bow to her. He wanted to say more, but what else was there to say?
He had bared his soul to her, telling her the true depth of his love for her, and she had rejected him. If he said anything else, it would merely be prostrating himself like some sort of fool, and Simon had never been a fool.
“Goodnight, Hannah.”
He turned on his heel, walking to his rooms, but then she called out to him.
“I know I owe you more than silence.”
He pulled up short and turned back around to find her standing there, hands fisted in the skirts of her dress.
“In your dressing room, I did not know what to say because there were so many thoughts rushing through my mind. I was worried that if I spoke, I might say the wrong thing.”
He took a step towards her. “I would have preferred even the wrong words in place of nothing.”
“I do not believe you would,” she replied. “You are angry with me. I do not blame you. How could you not be when I gave no answer to your confession?”
“Your lack of an answer was answer enough.”
“No, it was not. The silence was unfair to you because silence is not an answer.” Her fists unclenched, her palms flattening over her skirt as she stared at him across the gallery. “But I did not have an answer in that moment.”
He regarded her, taking in the rose-coloured satin dress she had worn, with its delicate lace trim and silk bows along the hem and cuffs. It was a simple frock and yet she wore it well; the bodice nipped in perfectly on her narrow waist, its neckline flattering to her slender shoulders. Her golden hair was expertly arranged in ringlets that framed her face, sprigs of primrose decorating them.
She was beautiful, and he etched the vision she made in his memory, knowing that once he asked the question on his lips, there would be no going back.
“Do you have an answer now, Hannah?”
She took a step towards him, her forehead wrinkling in concern. “I had always believed, with unwavering conviction, that love could only occur once in a lifetime. I thought there were only soulmates, two people destined for only one another. The fantasies I constructed were entertaining, but they prevented me from seeing reality. The world contains many different loves. I love my family, but I love each of them in their own way. With my friends, it is the same. Yet for some reason, I thought romantic love was different.”
She shook her head, taking another step towards him, a wry smile curling her mouth. “I loved John, but he is dead and I am not. My heart is still beating, still capable of taking someone within it and loving him.”
His heart pounded against his chest, the ember of hope he had thought had been ground out flared back to life. It was truly the most vibrant of beings, still alive after all the abuse it had endured over the years.
He advanced, closing what little distance there was between them, gazing down at her. “I need you to say it, Hannah. Explicitly. Emphatically. I cannot exist in this limbo of possibility anymore. Tell me and tell me true so that I can either celebrate or be put out of my misery.”
“It is you, Simon. You are the one I take into my still-beating heart. I love you, Simon.”
Hannah had finally uttered his heart’s desire. He had always expected to react with glee or celebration—even unmanly tears—if Hannah had ever uttered those three words to him.
He had never thought it would be doubt that filled him when he finally heard them.
Was this another tragic cosmic prank on him?
Hannah finally tells him she loves him, but it only comes when he now has the knowledge that she did not truly know her own heart. Now it was up to him to be an honourable man who did not take advantage of her ignorance.
“Hannah, you told me you changed yourself to become the woman John wanted because you were taught that a wife does what her husband wants. Do you not see you are doing the same thing again? I am your husband and so you are telling me what you think I want to hear. It is not real. I realize now that if you could truly love me, you would have fallen in love with me long ago.”
“No, I wouldn’t have fallen in love with you long ago,” she said. “I was in love with John then.”
Simon looked away, pained to hear her rejection come so bluntly, but Hannah laid a hand on his forearm and he turned back to her.
“But John died, and that changed everything. It changed me . In mourning John for all those years, I changed again. And marrying you, well, I changed once more. Not for you or me or anyone else. I changed because the world forced me to. So, no, the Hannah I had been before John died could not have fallen in love with you, Simon. But the Hannah I am now? She most definitely has.”
He shook his head. He could not accept what she was telling him. His battered hope, weak after repeated blows, could not endure any more.
She cupped his face, forcing him to meet her eyes. “When did you fall in love with me?” He tried to turn away, but her hands tightened, refusing to let him look away. “Tell me.”
There were so many moments he could look back on to say that was when he had fallen in love with her. The first time he met her and she had comforted him. The times he would listen to her play music. When he would make her laugh so hard, she would snort. When he had discovered she would marry John and jealousy made him want to call him out.
All had been important moments and yet, as he considered the question, a particular memory came to him.
“The anniversary of my father’s death the year before I went to Oxford,” he said. “You came to tell me how proud you knew my parents would be of me. You knew exactly what I needed to hear in that moment. That was when I fell in love with you.”
Hannah smiled fondly. “I remember that. I was worried that no one would tell you how well you had done. Not because they did not think you had. I know Sarah and Papa were proud of you. But I could not trust them to know how much it would mean for an orphan to be told someone was proud of them. They could never understand what it meant to be an orphan the way I did.”
“You were never an orphan as your father is alive,” he pointed out, with a small smile pulling at the corners of his mouth.
“Very well. Half of me understood what it meant,” she conceded with a grin, but then her expression turned serious as she looked at him. “I know when I fell in love with you. It was when you gifted me the harp. You gave me something I did not know I desperately needed. Not only a part of my mother, but a part of me. Not the me I have built to show the rest of the world, but the true me. I know it was not as long ago as when you fell, but that is how I know this is real. I remember well what it felt like before I fell in love with you. That is why I know without a shred of doubt that I love you and I am so very happy that I get to spend the rest of my life with you.”
With tears shimmering in her sapphire eyes, she looked up at him, her heart laid bare. She truly loved him.
Hannah Talbot loved Simon Langley.
Finally.
That spark of hope flared into an inferno that blazed through him, lighting up every part of him, leaving him speechless and only able to act on instinct.
And instinct demanded he haul Hannah into his arms and kiss her. She melted into him and he had to break their kiss to throw his head back, delighted laughter bubbling up from him as tears slipped from the corners of his eyes.
As always, she made no comment on his tears, only wiping them away with her fingers as she kissed him again. He lifted Hannah in his arms and spun her around as she let out a happy squeal.
“Say it again,” he demanded as he bounced her in his arms.
“I love you!” she declared loudly.
He laughed and brought her feet back to the floor so he could kiss her again. “Do not think that will be the last time I ask you to say it.”
“And do not think I will not ask you to say it back,” she replied.
“I love you, Hannah Langley. I have always loved you and I will always love you,” he said. “The day you compromised me was the best day of my life.”
“I would be more than happy to compromise you again any time, Mr. Langley.”