Chapter 47
I’d never experienced the air being sucked out of the room as much as I did at that moment. His words cut worse than if he put a dagger in my heart. The slashes deep within my heart were enough to make me lose my stance, almost falling to my knees. I never felt pain like this before. I felt like I was dying.
I somehow stayed upright, trying my best to keep my shoulders square as a sob caught in my chest. Why he was saying any of these words, I would never understand. I didn’t deserve it. I’d done what he’d asked, the reckless girl I am, I followed his words as if they were written by the Goddess herself.
“Be ready in the morning for training. We will have a banquet as the rest of the court shall be arriving. I don’t want a wife who has drunk too much wine again. You are to be on on your best behaviour.”
“And what if I’m not?”
I didn’t mean for the words to slip out of my mouth, and I could see the twitch in his fingers when he realised what I said. There wasn’t a need anymore to try and be kind it seemed. He did not care about my feelings, so why would I respect or care about him?
“Or I will lock you in the tower for the rest of your days.”
He didn’t say anything else then as he turned to walk away, leaving me in the summer house to once again break down and cry alone. This beautiful tranquil garden was slowly becoming the place where my shattered heart continued to further break.
It took another hour before I peeled myself off the floor. A heap of tears and heartache. I was too smart for this, to allow someone to try and break me into small pieces.
Dorian had tried and failed.
So why was I allowing Nic to do it now?
Even without the words and guidance of my parents, I could hear my grandmother’s tough love speech rattling in my brain. Reminding me of whose granddaughter I was. I may have been the daughter of my parents, but I was more like Lyla than my mother.
I needed to find the person I was before I was whisked away to this castle of darkness. I needed to find my light, my will to keep going. If I must live in a loveless marriage, I would find comfort elsewhere.
Even if that meant keeping my mind busy and my hands occupied. I’d do it. To stay alive and sane, I would do anything.
“Idon’t understand why he is being this way towards you. We all saw how he looked at you at the wedding.”
Morgana and Vanessa joined me for lunch the following day. I’d avoided everyone at breakfast and kept my head down while training. Nora was still unimpressed by my two left feet. She kept demanding answers as to why I was never trained or taught any self-defence. Complaining that my head wasn’t there.
There wasn’t any need to learn how to fight or defend one”s self back home. The males were the ones who went off to fight. It did seem pretty backwards, when females should also know how to fight to protect themselves and the children. I agreed with her in that, it wasn’t right. But I was powerless to question the way things were done.
“Have you tried talking to him?” Vanessa asked as she lounged on one of the armchairs.
She was smoking something that smelt oddly fruity before passing the pipe over to Morgana who took a drag or two, before offering it to me.
“I can assure you, I have tried many times to talk to him.”
I wasn’t a smoker, but the stuff that emitted from the fumes seemed to be the only thing that calmed me down. Taking a drag, I had to hold back from coughing my lungs up when the burning sensation hit the back of my throat. Whatever herb this was, I found it smoothing. Dampening my aching head, and reducing some of the pain that started to shoot up my back and arms whenever I’d go into a panic.
“It’s rather annoying how he’s suddenly stopped communicating with you… Perhaps one of us should speak with him.” Vanessa took hold of the pipe, taking in an even bigger breath than before.
“Won’t April be angry with us for lounging here smoking and not doing our princess duties?” Morgana mocked and laughed.
April, although not queen, seemed to be the one who bossed everyone around the most, acting as if she did rule the kingdom. I guess it was due to their parents dying and having to grow up quite quickly.
“Ah, she can get her knickers in a twist for all I care,” Vanessa muttered, lolling her head back on the chair and lifting her legs over the arm.
Morgana settled down in the seat next to me, resting her head on my lap as if nothing happened yesterday. Let bygones be bygones as she put it. The sisters had pushed their way into my study, closely followed by a footman who carried two rather large trays of pastries and cake.
“I don’t know what to do about Nic. It was only last week he couldn’t keep his hands off me. Now he can’t even be in the same room as me.”
“You know, it’s probably to do with the fact he thinks he’s a monster.”
Morgana quickly covered her mouth with her hand as Vanessa shot up straight and stared at her with flames burning in her eyes. Obviously, Morgana once again had said the wrong thing but it of course, piqued my interest.
“How can he think he’s a monster?” I asked, hoping one of them would tell me.
They both looked at each other then, communicating via their minds no doubt. As the ticking of the clock above the fireplace continued, I waited patiently for them to answer.
“He has always blamed himself for our parents” death. It happened,” Vanessa paused, biting her lip, “Ornella, he was with you, when they died.”
I wanted the Goddess to swallow me whole as the words hit my ears. He was with me. He was with me.
“He’d come to say goodbye to you. Our father found out about Nic’s visits. Mother tried to convince Father it was fine and safe. But he forbade him to see you again.”
Vanessa was starting to have a hard time sharing this information with me as the sky behind her turned a greyer colour and light rain began to fall. It was as if her tears were the rain itself. Sensing her upset, Morgana sat up and went to her sister holding her hand tightly.
“He doesn’t blame you before you start thinking that, even if he says he does. We know the truth.”
Morgana stepped in and looked at me with sorrow and kindness in her eyes.
“He didn’t see you for a while after that, and then he managed to slip away one afternoon while Father was entertaining guests. We all guessed it was so he could come and say goodbye to you. None of us said a word. When Father asked where he was—we all, including mother—said he was out riding and meeting Percy.”
It hit me then, that memory of when we almost had our first kiss. How I’d been waiting for his return and when he didn’t show up, I took it as a sign. I later found him wandering in the woods looking for me.
“Only you and him know what happened, but when he returned it was morning. Unbeknown to us, whilst we slept, one of our father’s guests had snuck into our parent’s room and murdered them.”
The walls around me began to close in as I listened to their story. Did Nicholas really not blame me for his parents death? He must have in some small way, if he’d come to say goodbye to me. It meant he wasn’t home to protect his family.
“Nicholas thinks if he was home that night, he’d have been able to sense something. Been able to protect Mother and Father. But, even the guards didn’t hear anything. It was done very secretively. We all found out what happened when Nicholas went into their rooms to tell them he was sorry, and that he’d let you go.”
So, it was my fault.
It explained so much as to why Nic was always so hot and cold with me. He hated that he left to say goodbye to me. He should have stayed home, but I’d always begged him to be with me, to spend time with me. He must have felt obligated to return one last time.
Morgana let go of Vanessa’s hand once the weather seemed to calm down, the blue skies returning. She took another puff of her pipe then handed it back to Morgana.
“Ella, when we found the murderer, Nicholas flew into a rage unlike anything we’d ever seen before. We knew he had gifts, but the things he was able to do… He is more careful now and won’t allow anything like that to happen again. However, I think with you, he finds it difficult to control his emotions, so maybe, pushing you away is the best he can do, to protect you.”
Vanessa took the seat next to me as she continued to explain, taking a hold of my sweaty and shaking hands. I stared outwards, trying to comprehend everything.
“He thinks he’s a monster because of the things he’s done. I know he will fight you on this, but as his wife, you must take the bad with the good. Prove to him you are not leaving.”
“He wishes me dead. I heard him say so himself.”
She puffed out a sigh and rolled her eyes at me as I turned to face her. Tears threatened to fall once more. I didn”t know how I had any left at this point.
“Trust me, if he wanted you dead, you’d be already buried in a box. We know our brother. He is fighting himself over his feelings for you. Trying to do what’s right for this kingdom. But what’s right is learning to love you freely. Being the king, we all know he can do both.”
I was starting to miss the buzz of the herbs as I listened closely to her words. I still couldn’t understand why the sudden push back from him. Why was I suddenly the villain in his story? All I wanted to do was be close to him, create a solid relationship.
“We will leave you with these thoughts. But honestly, I think talking to him without anger or shouting will work. We will tell him the same. Maybe this evening you can both enjoy each other’s company alone. We will eat elsewhere.”
Eyeing the clock again, I saw I’d have at least a few more hours until dinner and the dreaded silence that would come across the dining table. Vanessa and Morgana took their leave shortly after. With the quiet buzz around my head, I changed into my riding clothes and decided a ride on Eira would help clear my thoughts. I needed to mentally prepare for what I wanted to say to Nicholas.
Although the air was warm with the spring breeze, there was still a slight chilled wind that swept around me as I walked down the path towards the stable. Bringing my cape up around my neck, I was grateful to find the stables empty aside from the stable hand and his apprentice who was mucking out a stall.
“Ah, your highness, lovely to see you so soon.” The stable hand smiled warmly as he led a brown mare into her stall. “What can I help you with today?”
“I’d like to take Eira out for a bit if that’s alright.”
“No need to ask, highness, if you give me a few minutes I will have her ready for you.”
He disappeared down the line of stalls and headed towards where the royal family”s horses were kept. Hearing the young apprentice curse under his breath as he stood in horse muck, I tried not to laugh. We’d all been there, and it wasn’t the most pleasant of jobs.
“Oh, I—eh—sorry mam, I mean, majesty, I didn’t see ya there.”
No older than fourteen maybe, the apprentice opened the stall door and almost doubled over when he saw me standing there. His poor uniform was covered in muck and mud all the way up to his thighs. Dirt coated his face, and he looked like he needed a warm bath and a good night”s sleep.
“That’s alright, John. I”d be annoyed if I had to do that job, too.”
His face lit up at the sound of his name. I made it a personal quest to know every member of staff”s name within the castle. It did help though that Isla would talk about John during our morning chats over a cup of warm tea on the balcony. Something I was making sure we did every day, even if April found it odd.
“Better still, majesty, I must watch my words.”
He bowed before taking his tools over to the shed then picked up another set and went into the next stall. I guess this was his job today, cleaning out the mess while the horses grazed in the fields.
Shortly after, the stable hand returned with Eira all dressed up ready to go for our ride. Brushing my hand down her muzzle, she nuzzled her nose into my hand and a smile peeked on my lips. It had taken a few rides for us to get used to one another, so it made me happy now that we’d become friends.
“If anyone asks for me, please tell them I will return before dinner.”
The stable hand bowed as he interlocked his fingers to help lift my foot up and onto the saddle I went, finding a comfortable position before kicking my heels into Eira. We set off in a slow trot. Soon we were clear of the garden gates and into the open fields surrounding the castle. The only place I seemed to be allowed to go without an escort. I kicked my heels, and we began to run.
The wind whisked through my hair, untying the braid I’d done. We raced up onto one of the hillsides then downwards towards the cliff”s edge that overlooked the wondrous shoreline of Galled.
Feeling free and instantly relaxed, I let go of Eira’s reins as she continued to plod through the grass. Her heavy puffs came out as she picked up speed. She was magnificent, the fastest mare I’d ever ridden. I had Nicholas to thank as she was the perfect gift.
Lifting my hands up in the air, it felt as if I were flying, it was an amazing sensation. Eira slowed her speed down as we turned down a beaten old, stoned path and towards the shore. I needed to feel the sand between my feet and Eira seemed to have a love for splashing in the waves.
The sun gave off a beautiful orange glow as it danced against the horizon. The waves splashed beautifully against the rocks and sand. The smell of salt and fresh air filled my lungs, calming me instantly.
Since I couldn’t escape to the woods, this was where I’d now run to when I needed some space. I’d always been drawn to water from a young age, perhaps I was a siren in another life.
Once we settled into a slow pace, Eira splashed her hooves in the receding tide. I felt a wave of tranquillity roll over me, easing my nerves and quieting my mind.
Coming across Nicholas was the last thing I thought I’d do today but there he was, sitting on a rock as he faced outwards towards the sea. His black mare grazed nearby, the one I’d seen with him before. I didn’t know if I should leave or go and speak with him. He seemed to be enjoying his peace as much as I craved it.
That pull was still there when I looked at him. The invisible line tugged at me, begging me to go and sit with him, wrap myself around him and claim him as I’d done before. Shaking my head of such thoughts, I steered Eira away and headed the opposite direction. If he wanted to speak to me he could find me later.
Right now, this was my space. My time.
“You know, I can see you.”
Rolling my eyes at the sound of his condescending voice, I carried on turning Eira away but slowed her pace as much as she would allow. She kicked up the sand with her front hoof in anger. Eira wanted to splash and run. To her, I was being unfair.
“I do not wish to disturb you, I will go.”
I replied back hoping that would give me leave and for a while my mind was quiet. Until I heard the sound of running hooves behind me and Nicholas appeared beside me on his own horse.
“Avoiding me again, are we, wife?”
My heart pinched at his tone and use of the word wife. He’d not called me wife since our wedding night. I’d become used to him naming me Annwyl, so when he did not use it, it hurt.
“Not avoiding. You seemed to be in thought, and I did not wish to disturb you.”
“Hmmm, my sisters told me we are to dine alone tonight.”
“That is for you to decide. If you wish them to dine with us, they will do as the king commands.”
Goose pimples ran up my exposed arms as nerves set in. He put me on edge, and I hated it. I hated how this very being brought me nothing but heartache and pain. We”ve only just begun, and I despised how there wasn’t even a simple friendship between us. I tried to remind myself of Vanessa’s and Morgana’s words. Tried to keep them fresh in my memory, to remind myself there was some good in him.
Even if he had locked it away.
“We shall dine together, there is much we need to discuss. We can discuss some of it now? Or are you in a rush to head back?”
He eyed me closely, watching my every movement. My heartbeat loudly in my chest, the ringing in my ears growing louder as I tried not to panic or feel any dread. I hated how these feelings would wash over me, like the very ocean itself. I had no control over it or understood why it happened. It only seemed to happen when I began to panic.
I didn’t answer, only set Eira into a faster pace before we began sprinting down the other side of the beach. I needed to put distance between us as I begged the ringing to stop, for my heart to slow but it refused.
The beach seemed everlasting, longer than I imagined it would be. Nicholas kept his pace behind me and without warning rain started to pour, heavier than earlier. Vanessa, perhaps? Or maybe this was just the way of things.
“ORNELLA! STOP!” Nicholas shouted over the sound of the beating waves and downpour.
I had reached a part of the beach decorated in rock pools. It was only then did I slow down and as Eira reared back with the sudden pull of the reins, I leapt off and ran forward.
Tears streamed down my face, or was it the rain? I wasn’t sure anymore as I heaved over, my breath uneven and for a second or two I thought I’d bring up breakfast. Thankful when I didn’t, the ringing in my ears faded to the back of my mind.
My clothes were soaked all the way through and all I wanted to do was curl up into a ball. My tranquil world dissolved by a simple question from him.
“Ornella?”
He stood behind me and I stopped shaking. Anger begged me to release it, release the cavernous wrath that wanted to cause someone pain. Anyone in pain.
Hearing the sand shift behind me, I lifted myself up and straightened myself out. Without thinking, I turned towards him, racing to him and I felt my palm hit the side of his face then my fists hit his shoulders.
Again.
Again and Again.
He didn’t fight back once or take hold of my wrists to stop me from hitting him. My rage continued to pour out of me as I hit him again. Another smack this time on the other side of his face. When I raised my hand again, he gripped my wrist.
“Are you done?” he growled.
“No!”
“I think you will find you are.”
Throwing my hand down, he stepped back and started to turn away from me only to return and take my face in his hands kissing me. Shoving him off, I wiped my lips on the back of my hand and his eyes never left mine.
“You don’t get to touch me ever again!” I shouted, although my voice was broken and filled with regret.
He took the step forward to fill the space between us and snaked his arm around my waist, pulling me into him.
“I will touch you whenever I want, wife,” his voice was husky, filled with desire and longing.
Pushing aside some of my wet hair from my neck, he stared down at it then back up at my lips.
“No, you will not,” I hissed, trying to ignore my body’s reaction to him.
He wouldn’t dare do what I thought he’d do. Not the Nicholas I knew. Who always asked for my consent, for me to say yes and allow him, welcome him. Even when right now my body called for him, frantically needed him, I couldn’t find the words to allow him in.
He’d only hurt me again.
“You think I”m a monster, Annwyl? Is that why?”
“You are not a monster. But you are most certainly not the man I met in the woods or even the one I married.”
He licked his lips and swallowed a lump in his throat as his eyes darkened. A growl rumbled through his chest as he brought his free hand to hold the back of my neck. I didn’t move, still pressed up against him as the rain continued to beat down on us. Both our horses no doubt were annoyed and inpatient.
“You forget, I can hear your thoughts. You only see the creature that dwells inside me. The one telling me to do unspeakable things to you.”
“Do them then, if you dare to.”
His grip loosened around my waist at my words, I’d hit a nerve. Good. I hoped I did. This back-and-forth pattern we seemed to have fallen in annoyed and hurt me deeply. I wanted passion filled with love and heat within my marriage. Not a passion that was filled with hatred and loathing.
“You promised me you’d make me reach points that I never knew existed, and so far.” I popped myself up onto my toes so I could really look him in the eyes. “I’ve only reached the end of my patience with you.”