Chapter 46
What was I doing? I didn’t even know where my own mind took me when the shadows grabbed control. I watched her walk away from me. Again. Desperation and wrath took over as my desire for her grew. I could feel my body become covered in the coldness of my shadows. Before I even had a chance to tell them to stop, before she reached the door to the summer house, I stood in front of her.
“Please, move,” she begged me, her cheeks red and glistening from tears.
“No.”
“Nicholas, please. I can’t keep doing this with you.”
I couldn’t keep doing it either. This fighting back and forth. The king in me told me to stay away, blaming her for the misfortune my family had been dealt with. Even when she wasn’t even born for half of it.
The Fae inside me, who only wished to be near her and only ever her, begged to be released. To be able to beg at her feet for forgiveness as I’d done once before. I wanted to drop to my knees before her and never leave.
But, no, I was a king as she already told me kings did not beg. Kings took what they wanted, and she was what I wanted, even if it meant burning the entire world to ashes. I would do it for her, she’d only need to ask.
My fists tightened at my sides as she thrust me aside. A fiery spark ran up my side from when her hands touched me and then she was forcefully pushing open the summer house doors.
“Ornella!”
Turning around, I stormed towards her, and she was stopped dead as I reached her. My shadows rumbling in my chest. She didn’t turn to face me, just stood still as a statue. Her heart was beating loudly in her chest, her breath rising fast and shallow. I didn’t want to lose control, not again. I could barely look at her for the shame of hurting her was too great. But that other part of me, that darkness within me demanded blood. It needed it to survive.
“What, Nic?! What in Goddess’ name do you want from me? I can’t keep doing this with you.”
Ornella turned to me, she was crying once again, because of me. Her hands were shaking violently, her whole body seemed to be wrecked by her sobs. I stared at her from across the path. Even if she was angry, she was the most beautiful sight I’d ever seen. Taking a step forward, she took a step back and I felt a laugh rumble in my chest.
“Now who”s the one pulling away from who.”
She sobbed again and my heart tightened in my chest. I was causing her this pain. This was my fault. All of it was my fault. I pushed her away over the words of my court, my lords, who were asking if now that I was married and announced my love for my wife, was I now too soft to keep our lands protected?
I was allowing the voices of men who surely did not matter to come between me and my wife. If my mother could see me now, she”d grow with rage at the thought of me treating another person this way. Especially someone I cared for and had made vows to. Someone she knew I’d cared about since when I was just a child. She would be ashamed of me. She had taught me better.
“Please, leave me in peace, Nicholas. It’s what you wanted right from the start. You never wanted this marriage or me. I am just a pitiful, foolish princess and now I have brought war to your door. I should have just accepted my fate.”
It pained me as her words came out heartbroken and filled with sorrow. She’d rather be married to the one who hurt her more than anyone in this world, than be married to me.
Oh, the fool I had been. I could see it now as she broke in front of me. How poorly of a husband I’d become, an idiot and a fool.
“Ornella. I—I have no excuses. I cannot be the man you hoped for me to be. I cannot be both a king and Nicholas.”
She placed a fist on her chest, as if it were holding her together and I tried to step forward again, but she moved back. She didn’t want me near her. I couldn’t say I blamed her.
“You—but you promised. How you break your word so easily” She mumbled through trembling lips as tears continued to flow down her cheeks.
She didn’t seem to care about wiping them away. How could someone cry so beautifully even when they were breaking? Everything about her was beautiful. Perfection.
“I lied.”
I didn’t. I meant every word. But my kingdom needed me more than the woman who stood in front of me. There was a war coming and I needed to protect my people. If it meant sacrificing my heart—my soul—then that’s what would happen.
A good man got a happy ending.
I was not a good man.
I’d ruined lives since the moment I was able to. I didn’t deserve her love, kindness, or forgiveness. I didn’t deserve her.
“It was always part of the plan. My game. I have never wanted you. Why would I truly desire a foolish, stupid girl?”
Her breath rattled in her chest as she tried to cover a sob. I kept my face stone cold. I needed her to hate me. I needed her to live her life without me. This was how it was supposed to be. How it needed to be. Long ago, we played as children and friendship grew and I was falling, I had hopes of how things could have been. But then my parents were murdered, and things changed.
I would only bring her pain and heartache. Cutting her off now would be for the best. Pushing away the very thing I wanted more in this life—more than my next breath—to keep her safe. I would be the bad guy. Willingly. I would do it.
If it meant she despised me, then so be it.