Chapter 11
Elizabeth went straight to her room without acknowledging her mother or answering the many questions peppered at her by her sisters. For a moment, all she could hear was her footsteps on the stairs and the blood pounding in her ears. She held back a sob, tears blurring her eyes.
Once in her room, she slammed the door and locked it, pacing for a few moments. She bit her lower lip, running the conversation over and over in her mind. Mr Darcy had no right to accuse her family of orchestrating the events that had brought them together.
Or did he?
She halted, taking several deep breaths and going to the window seat. She looked out, spotting Mr Darcy walking across the fields on his return to Netherfield. He even walked angrily, or so it seemed to her.
Guilt overwhelmed her. Had she been unfair? After all, he had stumbled upon her and Mr Wickham outside the gate, and he had kissed her hand, although she had not invited the gesture. But what was Mr Darcy to think coming upon such a scene? It was true that she and her family had the most to gain from the marriage. She would never have hoped to make such a match. And upon unbiased consideration, she had to admit that her mother – if not her father – could have gone to such lengths as setting her and Mr Darcy up in the library. To secure a man with ten thousand pounds a year, Mrs Bennet would be capable of doing anything, and not considering the consequences until it was too late.
It made her stomach turn just thinking about the possibility that her mother had planned the whole ordeal. She sat down with a huff, turning her back against the wall to hold her weight. She could no longer see Mr Darcy, hidden by the tree branches now that he was so far away. Elizabeth bent and took off her boots, then pulled her feet up under her on the window seat. She wanted to curl up and disappear for the rest of her days. If her mother had orchestrated the whole thing, she would never be able to face Mr Darcy again.
Her mind lurched as she continued to replay their fight through her mind. Even through it all, Mr Darcy had never threatened to break off their betrothal. What did it mean? Surely, if it could be proved that her parents had anything to do with that fateful night, he would not want to continue with the engagement. But he had not threatened her. He had fought nobly and had not used fear to cow her. How many other men would have resorted to such means?
Elizabeth sat back, chewing on her fingernail in her nervousness. She could not help but respect and admire such restraint. For better and for worse, Elizabeth could not help thinking that Mr Darcy was unlike any man she had ever met.
There was still the dilemma of her mother’s possible involvement in the plot. If she had anything to do with it, she could not very well hold Mr Darcy to the engagement. Honour would demand that she release him from his promise, no matter the consequences. Her heart sank. It would be the right thing to do, and yet, she knew the ruin that would await her and her family. She would likely never marry, and her sisters would be fortunate indeed to find husbands, tied to a desolate sister such as she. Could she do it to them? They all had such high hopes, especially Jane with Mr Bingley.
She stood, still chewing on the nail. She turned to look out the window toward Netherfield. No, she could not ruin her sisters, not without trying to make things right. She would have to humble herself and go to Mr Darcy. Elizabeth was unsure if her mother had done anything to aid in the plot, but she would have to find out.
∞∞∞
The next days passed in agony. Elizabeth knew what she should do if she were to make things right between her and Mr Darcy. But for the life of her, she could not muster her courage. It was a blessing that the rains returned, and she could not get to Netherfield. Her mother had tried to pester her into taking the coach, nagging that “One should not leave one ’ s fiancé alone for too long. He will forget his honour and break off the engagement if you are not attentive to him, Lizzy dear.”
Her mother ’ s advice did little to allay her anxiety. She wanted Mr Darcy to break the engagement, and yet she did not. Elizabeth felt as if she were caught in an impossible dilemma.
When the skies cleared on the afternoon of the second day, she took the opportunity to take some fresh air and try to clear her head. She made it out the back door and was nearly across the yard when she heard her name being called. “ Wait! Lizzy!”
Jane stood on the back stoop, tying a bonnet over her hair. Elizabeth smiled and waited for her to gingerly make her way over the boards that the servants had set out to aid in traversing the mud pit that was the yard. Jane was breathless by the time she made it to Elizabeth on the other side. They stood under the brick archway that led into the yard from the dirt lane beyond. “ Where are you going?”
“ Out for a walk. Why, where are you going?” Elizabeth asked. She started walking, knowing that she ought to call for the carriage and go to Netherfield. But no matter how deeply Elizabeth felt she had to go and see Mr Darcy, she simply was not ready.
“ I am going wherever you are going,” Jane said. She linked arms with Elizabeth and said nothing more as they started down the lonely country lane. Elizabeth let out a sigh, looking up at the sky. Bare tree branches obscured her view of the wispy white clouds, the sun pouring through in patches over her face.
“ You are not yourself, Lizzy. What has been troubling you the last few days?” Jane asked gently.
Elizabeth had been very quiet about the fight. Indeed, her mother had asked her to explain several times after she had finally come out of their room the day they had fought, but she would reveal nothing. It hurt too much to say aloud what Mr Darcy really thought of her parents. Elizabeth hated to think that Mr Darcy had been right, but he was. Her mother was wholly obsessed with marrying off all her daughters, making sure they found protection and provision for their future lives. Elizabeth could not disagree with the goal. Only the fact that the means her mother used were not always sensible, or strictly within the bounds of propriety.
“ I have made a mess of things with Mr Darcy, I ’ m afraid,” Elizabeth finally responded. She sighed. It felt odd to say anything aloud — both a relief and a transgression. Practically, at least, there was nothing to fear. She knew that anything she said to Jane would be kept in the strictest confidence.
“ Whatever do you mean?” Jane asked. “ Surely not! You must be mistaken–”
“ I am not mistaken,” Elizabeth interrupted. “ We fought the day he came to call. He saw me with Mr Wickham, and although I did nothing to encourage him, Mr Darcy took it as an affront.”
Jane was thoughtful for a moment. “ I am sure there is a way to mend things. He is an understanding man. And I am sure he was only jealous at seeing you with another man.”
“ But I wasn ’ t with another man!” Elizabeth burst out. She immediately felt sorry for it. It was the same thing she had done with Mr Darcy — speak purely from emotion, without considering the listener. Why did her temper seem to escape her grip where Mr Darcy was concerned? “ Forgive my defensiveness, but I am not someone who would flirt with a man — or allow a man to flirt with me — when I am engaged to another man. It is simply disgusting to me.”
“ I know it is. And I was not accusing you,” Jane said. “ I only meant to point out where Mr Darcy ’ s upset might be coming from.”
“ He was more than upset. He was furious,” Elizabeth went on. And for good reason. “ If I tell you the whole of what happened, I must have your word that you will not say anything to another soul.”
“ You know I hate gossip, Lizzy,” Jane said simply.
“ I know. It is just too awful to have to repeat.” It was even worse that she had come to the same conclusions as Mr Darcy. “ He believes that Mama might have had something to do with the compromise that occurred on the night of the ball.”
Elizabeth let it sink in and could see that Jane was wrestling with her own shock and anger — or some other emotion akin to anger. Elizabeth had never seen her sister angry. She sometimes wondered if Jane was capable of the emotion. “ You cannot be serious,” Jane said at last. “ Surely, you heard him incorrectly. He is a man of honour. To think that Mama would wilfully put you and him into such a position. And for what?”
“ To gain an advantageous marriage for me,” Elizabeth replied dully, “and the chance of meeting rich husbands for all my sisters.” She shook her head. “ I must confess, it has been weighing on my mind as a possibility for the last couple of days. It is horrible to think such things about our mother, but I cannot force a man into marriage when I have even the slightest doubt.”
Jane halted on the lane, looking as shocked as Elizabeth had ever seen her. “ Please, Lizzy. You do not actually think that Mama would have anything to do with such a vile plan? I cannot bear to think it.”
“ Neither could I, when Mr Darcy first presented it.” Elizabeth turned and continued walking. Jane soon caught up with her, but gone was the familial closeness. She kept a few inches distance between them instead of linking arms again. “ It pains me to think about it, too. But I cannot rule it out, either. Mama has been desperate to get us all married off from the time you were thirteen. People sometimes stoop to lunacy when they are desperate.”
Jane thought for another long moment. She sighed, shaking her head as if it might dislodge the disturbing notion from her mind. “ I suppose that is true. But what is to be done?”
Elizabeth was at a loss as far as that was concerned. “ I have been trying to figure that out for the last two days. I cannot ignore Mr Darcy ’ s concern, but I have been so angry and confused about the whole ordeal. I really think I must go and see him about it. Do not you?”
She almost hoped her sister would disagree, but Jane gave a small nod. “ I agree. Whether or not Mama was involved, you cannot have this between you and your future husband.”
“ If we marry, I do not want this between us either. It is not a love match, to be sure. But I also recognise that to keep hold of such anger and uncertainty would be to set us both up for misery later on.” Elizabeth was the one who linked arms with her sister this time. She felt she needed the tie to reality as her mind swirled with future worries.
“ You have no tender feelings for Mr Darcy, then?” Jane asked. “ I had thought I had started to see at least a little softening toward him since that night at the ball. His actions were very gallant.”
Elizabeth hated to admit it, but she was unsure if she was ready to unleash the whole of what she had been wrestling with. “ I confess, he was gallant. It touched me deeply that he would give up all hope of future happiness with someone else to come to my aid. But I cannot say anything more than that of what I feel.”
“ Well, there is time, of course,” Jane replied.
The two sisters walked in silence for a moment before Elizabeth seized on an easier topic — for herself, at least, if not for Jane. A little mischievously, she asked, “Has Mr Bingley given any hint about his feelings might be toward you?”
Jane ’ s cheeks instantly turned pink. “ Not in so many words, no. I do not want to seem too eager, Lizzy.”
“ No one would ever accuse you of being too eager, sister. You are the soul of discretion.” Elizabeth glanced back, judging how far they had come. Though she would have liked to go farther, Jane was not much of a walker. She would be exhausted by the end if they did not turn back. “Shall we begin on the way home?”
“Yes, I should like that,” Jane said gratefully. A cloud shadow passed over them, making the sisters shiver despite their thick pelisses. Without the sun to warm them, the air was chill.
“ I think Mr Bingley likes you very much,” Elizabeth went on. “ However, it worries me that he might not see how much you like him in return. He is young and spirited, but I think even men need to know that the woman they are interested in is interested in them in return.”
“ How can you be sure, Lizzy? You know I have never been good at reading the emotions and thoughts of others. You are the perceptive one. Do you really think he likes me?” Jane asked.
Elizabeth could not help but laugh. “ Jane, if he were any more in love with you, he would be in danger of making himself have an apoplectic spell.”
“ Oh. goodness, I do not want him to die for love of me,” Jane said, half frightened and half laughing. Even so, Elizabeth could see that her sister was not convinced. How could she not see her own beauty? She was so quick to point out the good qualities of others, never seeing any wrong in anyone else. Yet when it came to her own virtues, she was blind.
Elizabeth halted on the side of the lane and took both of Jane ’ s hands. “ I wish you could see what I do, dear Jane. What we all see. You are kind and compassionate. You are the most beautiful woman in the county, and I am not only parroting the words of our mother.” They both laughed, and Jane looked away. “ You are everything a man could ever want — beautiful of soul and heart and being. Trust that, dear one. Mr Bingley would be a fool if he did not see it. And an even greater one if he does not propose within a fortnight.”
“ A fortnight!” Jane exclaimed, holding a hand over her heart. “ I would not want to rush him.”
“ Why ever not?” Elizabeth asked. “ You are not forcing his hand.”
“ Well, neither did you,” Jane argued.
Elizabeth shrugged. “ Well, I am convinced someone did. And until I know the truth, I would rather not get too set that the wedding will have to go forward.”
“ Are you still so opposed to it?” Jane asked. “ I would think you would be happy at the thought of leaving Meryton. You have always been such an adventurous soul.”
“ Not at the expense of ruining a man ’ s life.”
“ But you would not ruin his life. Just as you say I never see my worth, neither do you see yours. You are beautiful, Lizzy, in heart and mind and being, as well. And you have the courage to speak your mind, while I am as frightened as a mouse.” She gave a small smile. “ I know a younger sister is supposed to look up to their older sister. But more often than not, I see myself looking up to you.”
Jane grew quiet, and Elizabeth ’ s eyes pricked with tears. It was one of the more revealing speeches Jane had ever made. “ Do you really mean it?” she asked.
“ Yes, I do,” Jane said steadily. “ And I am proud of how you have borne all of this. I am not sure if I would have been able to show my face ever again, if such a thing had happened to me.”
No one would want to attack Jane. She was too good. Whereas someone had thought that Elizabeth could endure all the sideways glances, the ruined reputation, and the marriage to a man she detested. Well, to a man she had detested, until recently. She could not say she was entirely happy with him at the moment, given their fight. But she felt the loathing slipping into something she told herself was cool, distant respect.
“ Do not worry about me. I know everything will be well, no matter what happens. Even if I am forced to marry Mr Darcy, I will have the pleasure and comfort of your company at Pemberley, surely. He would not deny me that. Unless, of course, you are settling into Netherfield yourself.” Elizabeth smiled innocently and was pleased to see her sister’s blush deepen once more.
She stopped as they came to the gate at Longbourn and took her sister’s hands again, pressing them in earnest. “ I do so wish for you to be happy, Jane. Of all the people in the world, you deserve it most.”
Jane hugged her. “ As do you, Lizzy. I mean that with all my heart.” She leaned back and touched Elizabeth ’ s cheek. “ You will know what the right step to take is with regard to making amends with Mr Darcy. You have always been one who did what was right.”
“ But what if I do the right thing and I still make a mess of everything?” Elizabeth hung her head. “ The worst that can happen is not that I will never be able to marry, but that you and the rest of the girls will be left destitute. I cannot do that to you all.”
“ Do not worry about things you cannot change, Lizzy,” Jane said. “ We will be all right. For now, you have to trust what your heart is telling you.” She let her hand fall to her side and walked through the gate, leaving Elizabeth alone.
She looked down the lane toward Netherfield. She knew what she must do. It was only that she did not want to let go of her pride and do it.