Chapter 12
Several days passed, but Darcy ’ s mood had not improved. He could not seem to get the fight with Elizabeth out of his head. It was his fault, he knew. After much time to think and ponder over the events that had led up to the squabble, he could not help but conclude that he had overreacted to Wickham ’ s kiss, leading to the subsequent heated argument. Had he been wrong to say such things to Elizabeth about her parents? Though the suspicion had been tormenting him, perhaps it was only nonsense. Surely Mrs Bennet would not do such a thing only to trap a worthy husband for her daughter.
Doubt plagued him. Worthy? He hardly felt worthy now. The whole fight had started because of him, and yet, he could not bring himself to go to her after what he had done. What she must think of him!
Darcy paced back and forth in the billiards room, wishing that something could be done. He had put them both in a most horrific position. They were tied together by desperation, and she must hate him for it.
What must their marriage be like because of his actions? He would never dream of ending the engagement. Though he was annoyed by Elizabeth’s blindness to her parents’ faults, he would remain steadfast to his promise to protect her. He would not leave her ruined and destitute. But there was still the question of bringing her into his life and home. Perhaps he could leave her alone as much as possible. He had the means to set her up comfortably in a townhouse if she wished, while he could retreat to Pemberley.
His heart ached at the very thought. The thought of being married to Elizabeth, yet not being able to touch her or even be near her, was utterly unbearable. It was proof that her hold on him was growing ever stronger. No, he had to make things right between them, if only to get back to the fragile, tepid cordiality they had shared until their argument. Even that slight chill was better than outright hatred.
A knock sounded on the door, drawing him out of his reverie. “ Enter!” he called. A footman promptly did so.
“ Forgive the intrusion, sir, but Miss Elizabeth Bennet is here to see you. Are you at home to visitors?” he asked.
Darcy straightened, smoothing down his jacket. He had donned his simplest outfit that day, wanting to be comfortable, as he was not in the mood to have visitors. “ I am always home to Miss Elizabeth,” he said. “ Show her into the library. And send up my valet.” Darcy hurried out of the room and up the stairs to his guest room. He had never been one to put on airs, but he found he wanted to look his best for his fiancée.
His valet soon arrived and helped him to change into a black suit of clothes with a freshly starched cravat. As he stood in front of the full-length mirror, he suddenly wondered if he was being ridiculous. If Elizabeth had set her mind to hate him, then his appearance would do nothing to change that. Logic seemed to have entirely abandoned him. Was this what happened when one fell in love?
Pushing the thought aside, Darcy thanked his valet for helping him get ready so quickly. He started out of the room, but on his way to the library, he met with Bingley. His friend looked him up and down, then raised his brows in approval. “ What is this? Are you going out, my friend? I thought you had said you meant to spend the day inside.”
“ I am not going out, but to meet my guest in the library,” Darcy replied, clearing his throat. His cravat half-choked him with its tight hold. “ Miss Elizabeth Bennet has come to call.”
This information caused Mr Bingley ’ s brows to rise even further, this time in excitement. “ Well, I will come with you. I am sure she ’ s brought Miss Jane Bennet with her. What a lovely surprise.”
They began walking down the hall toward the library. Darcy could not help wishing that his friend had not seen him. He did not want to be rude. After all, it was Bingley ’ s house and Darcy was only a guest. But he had a feeling that this conversation would not prove to be a pleasant one. “ Perhaps it would be best if I met her alone, for a little while, at least.”
“ Ah, yes, well, Miss Bennet and I can take a little stroll out in the garden outside the library. You and Miss Elizabeth can watch over us to make sure that nothing untoward takes place.” Bingley gave a contented sigh. “ At least for my ends, it is fortunate indeed that you are engaged to her sister.”
Darcy nodded. For however long that might be. Had Elizabeth come to ask him for a release from their engagement? He could not imagine her doing so when it would mean the ruin of her and her sisters. Yet who was he to say? He had been wrong about so many things when it came to the Bennet family.
When they entered the library, Elizabeth was scanning a book on the shelf nearest a window. She had turned herself so the light fell on her back and illuminated the pages. Darcy felt his heart twist at the lovely picture she presented. It was all too easy to imagine her by the great windows of the library at Pemberley, equally absorbed in his collection.
“ Good afternoon, Miss Elizabeth,” he said as he came through the arched doorway. Though he had deliberately spoken to avoid startling her, Elizabeth seemed startled all the same, nearly whipping around at the sound of his voice. And was there not something a little forced in her smile?
Mr Bingley came forward and greeted her, looking around the aisles for Miss Bennet. “ How good of you to come, Miss Elizabeth Bennet. Darcy has been moping about ever since he came home without being able to see you the other day.”
Elizabeth shot him a curious glance, but Darcy only shook his head. “ Indeed? I did not know I had such a hold on his emotions.”
Bingley gave a good-natured chuckle. “ You have the strongest of holds on him, I assure you. I would have lured him into my carriage and taken him to Longbourn to see you if you hadn ’ t come today,” Bingley teased. “Elsewise, I don’t think I could have borne another day of moping.”
For an instant, Darcy half regretted keeping the reason he had stayed away from his friend. Little as he would have enjoyed explaining the quarrel to Bingley, this was becoming unbearable. He cast a guilty look in Elizabeth ’ s direction. She returned it with more equanimity, even friendliness, than he could have hoped. Was it possible she appreciated his discretion? Elizabeth ought to have known that matters between them would stay just that — between the two of them.
“ I see. Well, we were unavoidably detained with some unexpected visitors the other day,” Elizabeth said. She eyed Darcy warily, then turned her attention to Mr Bingley, who was still looking for the elusive Miss Bennet. “ I am afraid I came alone this afternoon. I hope you do not mind.”
Despite an obvious effort, Bingley could not entirely conceal his disappointment. “ Ah, I see. Well, of course, you are always welcome, Miss Elizabeth.” He glanced at Darcy, who gave a slight nod toward the door. “ Well then, I shall leave the two of you to discuss your nuptials in peace. I only wanted to say hello. Please convey my greetings to your family.”
“ I will be sure to do so, Mr Bingley. Thank you.”
Bingley walked out of the room without half the smiles he had upon entering it. Elizabeth gave a knowing smile. “ Poor Mr Bingley. I know I am a disappointment.”
“ I cannot conceal that he would have relished it, had your sister accompanied you,” Darcy replied. “ Surely there can no longer be any doubt of his interest. Bingley was never one for concealing his true feelings — not beyond that which is required of any courteous person in society, I mean. People in London view it as very common to hide their thoughts behind a mask. But I find it very refreshing about my friend.”
“ It is commendable, to be sure,” she replied. “ And I know he thinks well of Jane. I can only hope that…” She halted, looking down at her hands. Elizabeth startled a little, as though she had only then realised that she still held the book in one hand. She fumbled and nearly dropped it. Darcy found himself smiling. It was rather unlike her to be so uncertain. Did he hope too much in seeing it as a sign that she, too, cared about the relations between them?
At last, Elizabeth found the book’s place on the shelf, returned it, and turned her full attention to him. She came away from the bookshelves to stand in the sitting area with him, wringing her hands. “ Thank you for seeing me today.” She gave a self-deprecating laugh. “ If I am being entirely honest, I was unsure if you would allow me into the house.”
“ I would never keep you out. Indeed, I am glad you have come,” Darcy replied. It was his turn to feel embarrassed now. And he could not help but wonder what had brought her. “ I had considered writing to you, but thought to leave you in peace for a little while.”
She simply nodded. “ I am sorry it has taken me this long to come. I had many thoughts and feelings to sort through.” Elizabeth refused to look at him. Indeed, she looked in every direction but in his eyes. What could it mean?
His heart all but stopped. Had she come to ask for a release from their engagement? It ought to be a relief to imagine it, but it was not. His heart would suffer under such a reversal, as much for his own sake as out of concern for her.
But his feelings were no reason to be less than courteous. Darcy told himself that he must recover his self-command. If it was only an outward appearance, while his heart remained utterly shaken, that would be enough. “ Shall we go to the drawing room? I can order some tea.”
Elizabeth thought for a moment, no doubt relieved for the respite, so she might gather her thoughts. He could do with a respite as well, before they began any serious discussion. “ Yes, thank you,” she replied.
Darcy offered her his arm, which she took stiffly, out of duty, no doubt. At least he would have a few moments to calm his nerves and clear his mind for what lay ahead. If she broke the engagement, he hardly knew what he would do. All courtesy would demand that he agree.
Yet if he did so, it would mean letting the woman he loved destroy herself.