Chapter 11
Gwen paced her bedroom floor until she couldn’t stand it anymore. She poked her head out the door and looked down the darkened hall. All was quiet and still.
She shut the door again and leaned her head against the hardwood. It was almost midnight, and he still hadn’t come. She’d even wandered the halls, thinking he might find her, but when Barith had found her instead, she’d chirped some excuse she couldn’t even remember and went shuffling back to her room. And here she’d stayed.
He wasn’t going to come. Her heart fell.
Even after their tense conversation this evening, after learning all that stuff about her parents, she’d still hoped he’d come. Maybe he thought she’d rather be alone? Normally she would after receiving such heavy information, but not tonight. Gwen wanted to see him. Insecurity crept up and perched on her shoulder. Maybe he doesn’t want to see you? It’s not like she’d given him a chance to respond before she’d run off after Barith this morning, and they hadn’t been alone since for him to try and let her down gently.
No. Gwen shook it off with a groan. She wasn’t imagining things. This tension. This feeling had been building between them for weeks. What happened in the hot spring had felt like something much more intimate than what they’d shared at Abigail’s. He hadn’t pushed her away or balked or rebuffed her. Actually, she’d been the one embarrassed to be caught with him when Barith had shown up suddenly. Her insides knotted.
Everything just felt so heavy now. Like there was this ticking time bomb strapped to her back, waiting to go off at any moment. She’d convinced herself that wanting Sirus was a horrible idea, that there was no way he could ever want her, but now she started to wonder if it really was so unreachable. She cared about him. More than she’d probably cared about anyone in her whole life. He made her feel safe. He made her feel strong, beautiful, sexy, and capable. Gwen knew he didn’t entirely understand why she didn’t fear him. Honestly, she didn’t totally understand either. She only knew she didn’t.
Butterflies filled her belly, and she took in a deep breath to steady her nerves. The clock struck midnight, and she was hit with a surge of adrenaline and frustration. Maybe he wasn’t going to come, but she wasn’t going to just stand here pacing her room, stewing over it. She needed air.
Gwen stalked across the room, threw the door open, and nearly smacked face first into Sirus. With a start, she stumbled back, clutching her chest. “Crap on a cracker!” she hissed as her heart thumped in her throat.
“Apologies,” he offered, still hovering in the dark hallway.
Her heart slowly began to settle, and it dawned on her that he was here. “I didn’t think you were going to come,” she admitted, still a little shook. She looked up into his shadowed face but struggled to make out his expression.
“It took me a moment to find you,” he replied, his tone gravelly and a touch dark. “You laid quite the path.”
Gwen’s entire body lit with electricity, and she let out a stuttered breath. “You followed me?”
He stepped into the room then, closing the door softly behind him. “I did,” he replied, meeting her eyes. “Through the east wing. A part of the west. The den. The library. A trace of lilies in each place.”
He’d followed her all across the castle. Like a game of cat and mouse. She’d just managed to stay a bit ahead of him. Anticipation filled her. The room was dark, lit only by the soft firelight in the hearth and what rays of moonlight managed to seep past the snowy clouds. The darkness felt consuming as he loomed closer.
She suddenly became extremely aware of where they were. In her room. Only a few feet from her bed. Sirus didn’t budge. He just watched her in the darkness, standing just inside the door, the firelight dancing across his dark features and frosted eyes. It made her feel heady with power. He was waiting, she could tell. Waiting for her cues.
“I was afraid of the dark when I was little,” she told him. “I used to sleep with a lamp or a flashlight. I think it’s partly why I liked the city. It was never dark. Not really. Not completely.”
“You are not still afraid?” the question came at last. The question she had been waiting for.
Gwen turned, walked over to the windows, and closed the curtains, enveloping them in near darkness. The dwindling embers cast nothing but ominous shadows. “No,” she told him. “Not when I know you’re in it with me.”
She could see no more than an outline of his body—then she could see nothing. The darkness grew thick, the shadows consuming. Not even the dim firelight pressed beyond the hearth. Gwen took in a breath as she was surrounded by darkness. She tamped down her anxiousness, knowing this was Sirus’s doing. That he was drawing in the darkness.
Gwen couldn’t hear him, but she closed her eyes and breathed in deep. The scent of pine and spice was so close. He was close. She stepped forward and splayed her hands out before her. They landed on his chest, and he took in a breath. She heard the soft sound he made. Excitement and satisfaction coursed through her at having drawn such a reaction. Her hands slid up his body. She did not need to see him. Gwen could feel the thin fabric of his shirt and the hard muscle beneath.
“Gwendolyn.” It was pleading and gruff. Still, he didn’t touch her.
“Sirus,” she whispered back before she pressed a soft kiss to the base of his neck. His body was tense beneath her touch, and she didn’t know why. He swallowed, and she felt the movement beneath her lips. Heard it in her ear. Gwen breathed him in deep. The rich, spiced scent of him. Her entire body heated, and she felt dizzy with his nearness. She kissed his neck again.
He was so tense. She could feel his muscles straining under her touch. As if he was restraining himself. Her core throbbed with a raw desire she’d never felt before. She wanted him. All of him. She scraped her teeth over his neck as he’d done to her.
The sound it elicited was so feral and dark. She felt the vibration under her tongue as she trailed back over the path. His hands found her then. He held her hips gently, pushing her back to put distance between them but not pushing her away.
She could barely make him out in the growing darkness; only a haze of an outline remained in the firelight. Gwen couldn’t see his face, but she could feel his hesitation. Her hands rested on his chest. His on her hips. Only the soft sounds of their breathing filling the void.
“Can I tell you my darkest desire?” he posed, the words chilled but hot all at once.
Her insides pooled with liquid heat. “Yes,” she managed to whisper.
Gently, he lifted his hands and placed them over her own, prying them away from his chest. His beard tickled her palm before his lips caressed the sensitive flesh there. First one hand. Then the other. It was so intimate and gentle, it stole what little breath she had. “I desire your pleasure,” he declared. He pressed her palms against his chest again, locking them there. “I want to hear it screamed into the darkness.”
Her knees shook at the wicked promise in his dark confession. At the graveled honesty in it. “Yes,” she agreed breathlessly. She wanted it too.
His lips found hers, and the inferno was instant. He didn’t have to tease her with his tongue, as her mouth was already waiting for him. Their tongues collided and devoured, as if neither of them could get enough. In a whirl, he’d lifted her up, pressing her back against the wall. Gwen whimpered, and when he went to pull away, she held him to her. His hands moved over her. Kneading and caressing and fondling until she was lost. He pulled his mouth away from hers only long enough to allow her to yank off her sweater and throw it into the darkness.
Sirus forged a path of hot kisses down her neck, her chest. When he got close, she moaned in anticipation. He didn’t delay or tease. The flimsy strap of her bralette fell away, and the moment it did, his mouth was on her breast.
She groaned into the darkness, arching herself into him, digging her fingers into his hair. It only took moments before the need inside her made her feel like she might burst. Gwen fumbled her hands down his front, searching. She panted his name when she found the tip of him and pressed her palm over his length. He groaned against her nipple. When she did it again, he leaned his head against her chest. It was so raw, she could barely stand it. The moment she tried to rub lower, he snatched her wrist. Before Gwen knew it, she was spun around with both of her hands against the wall in front of her, both of his on top to hold them steady. It was rough and quick and startling. She loved it.
He growled in her ear, and she let out a harsh breath as she leaned her head back against his shoulder, her breaths falling fast. “I want to touch you,” she told him.
Sirus nibbled at her ear, holding her hands tightly to the wall when she tried to shift. “That is a problem,” he declared, the words low and liquid in her ear. “As I desire to touch you.” A promise. A threat. Her core ached. “Do you want me to stop?” he asked, kissing that spot below her ear.
Gwen’s body burned to be touched. “No,” she breathed. If he stopped now, she might scream.
A low sound of satisfaction rumbled in his chest and vibrated through her back. He pressed his hands harder against hers on the wall. “These do not move, do you understand?” Promise. Threat.
She nodded. “Yes.”
His hands slid from hers, but his body stayed pressed against her back. He did not touch her at first; his arms simply dropped slowly. Gwen felt the heat of his breath on her neck as they stood in the total darkness. The firelight was now entirely gone. Her skin shivered. Any other woman would be terrified, but she nearly vibrated with excitement. The dark promise the shadows held when he was in them.
Fingers moved like feathers over the outside of her thigh. “Silk,” Sirus commented as he raked his fingers up one side and then the other over her skirt, dragging the soft fabric over her skin. Another gift from Levian.
The soft touch made her moan. More. She wanted more. Gwen pushed herself back against him, but he slid away from her. If she moved further, her hands would fall, and she knew he wouldn’t like it. Gwen bit her lip, wondering what punishment he might bestow.
“Do not drop them if you want what comes next,” he warned her.
Gwen’s fingers tensed against the cool wallpaper.
“Good,” he breathed against her neck. He kissed her softly before he scraped his teeth over the spot. Gwen groaned. His palm caressed her nipple, and she struggled to keep her knees steady. His other strong arm wrapped around her waist and down her thigh, holding her up. The pressure of him against her sent her gasping. She moaned his name when he pinched her nipple between his fingers then palmed her full breast.
She could have sworn he laughed against her neck. Gwen arched her back to press herself harder into his hand. He licked her neck again—then she felt teeth. The pain was shocking and electrifying. It wasn’t like the nibbles before; this was meant to hurt. She gasped and groaned all at once. She couldn’t believe it. Her skin still ached and pulsed with pain and pleasure. He rewarded her further by kissing the spot and grabbing her breast firmly in his hand. She moaned, not caring one bit how she might sound.
The arm that was wrapped around her middle tightened, and his fingers dug into her thigh. “The sounds you make,” he growled low against her skin. His other fingers trailed up her thigh below the hem of her skirt.
Gwen whimpered and tossed her head back until it pressed against his shoulder. Raw need coiled in her belly. She almost begged him to move faster. To touch her where she needed him most. Those fingers moved slow and steady over her skin. Sirus teased at her breasts with his other hand. Pinching her nipple, palming her, stroking her softly. Soon she was panting and nearly wild with want. She whimpered as if in pain when he got so close she could feel the heat of his hand outside the thin fabric that separated them.
He kissed her neck softly, then her shoulder. Her breaths grew more and more ragged until she couldn’t take it anymore. His name slipped from her lips in a voice she barely recognized. His teeth scraped her shoulder in response, and she groaned, her knees dropping so that his fingers just barely touched her sex. She hissed and almost dropped one of her hands, but his palm shot up to press it against the wall, letting her breasts lie free and bare to the cool, dark air.
She gasped at the suddenness of the movement as his hot breath spread against the tender skin at her shoulder. His body was tense at her back. Rigid and firm. She could feel his hard length pressed along the top of her ass. Gwen bit her lip. She wanted to tell him what she wanted. Wanted to give voice to the fantasies and the need that had been bubbling up inside her for weeks. She didn’t want gentle. Not now.
“Touch me.” The words were clear and sharp in the silence. A command. A plea.
Sirus replied with a growl, pressing her hand further to the wall. Then he touched her. His fingers slid over the silken fabric of her damp panties. The groan she emitted was lush and dark. There was a small rush of chilled air as he slipped the fabric aside, and then one long finger pressed against her hot, wet sex. Gwen panted in anticipation, her hands still pressed to the wall. Sirus stroked her again, his breath hot at the side of her head just above her ear. She bit her lip. Waiting. One finger pressed only a little into her, and Gwen nearly screamed but managed to stifle her cry. When he pulled his fingers away from her, she whimpered in confusion, her head dizzy and fogged. His one arm was still taut, holding her hand firm to the wall. When she heard him suck, her body went rigid and her eyes wide.
“Salty, sweet,” he growled in her ear.
A strained, stifled sound fell out of her. He’d sucked on his own fingers. The ones that had just stroked over her, been inside her. He’d wanted to know how she tasted. Her body flushed with raw heat. It was the sexiest thing she’d ever experienced, and the most nerve-racking all at once.
Gwen felt the shift of his body. “I want to taste more of you,” he rumbled.
She nodded. “Yes.” Yes. Yes. Yes.
His rough hand slid down the base of her belly, beneath her skirt, and the line of her panties. His fingers were on her in an instant. She gasped then moaned as he stroked over her sex. She was so slick and wet, she could hear it. His other hand fell from hers and began to move over her, fondling her breasts, her belly, her thighs. Every part of her he could reach. Her hands stayed pressed against the wall like he’d asked. Those fingers stroked over her until she was writhing against them. He kissed her neck and nipped and scraped.
Gwen became lost. She’d never felt so worshipped. So wanted. She threw her head back, and he took her mouth in a searing kiss, stifling her groan as he slid one finger, then another, inside of her. His tongue slid into her mouth at the same time. The dual sensations brought her so close to the edge, she knew if he merely pressed his palm against her, she’d break apart. He didn’t. He almost seemed to be avoiding that very thing.
He held her in a kiss until she had to breathe. Her head fell forward as he worked inside her. Stroking in and out of her. Sirus made no sound but ragged breathing at her back. When she could take no more, Gwen dropped one of her hands to cover his and press him harder against her. He growled and immediately let her go.
Her head spun, and Gwen only realized what was going on when she felt her leg arch up and her back press against the wall. Sirus had knelt before she realized it. Hot need shot through her. He placed a kiss on the inside of her thigh. Her leg was over his shoulder.
“I told you I wanted to taste more of you,” he said through the darkness. Her body felt so cold from the night air, and yet it was burning all at once.
Gwen couldn’t speak. She only nodded her head and dug her fingers into his dense, curly hair. She felt a small tug and heard a tear when he pulled the strips of fabric that were her panties away, baring her entirely to him in the darkness.
He stroked her with his fingers, and she moaned with abandon, arching herself against the wall. She was already so close, and he knew it. Sirus bit her thigh, and she gasped. The gasp was stifled by a deep, wicked groan when his mouth fell on her.
Gwen leaned her head back against the wall and felt lost in the moment. Frozen in time. Frozen in pleasure. She moaned and whimpered and felt that tension inside her coiling to a precipice. She’d never liked this with any other man. It had always made her feel self-conscious and awkward, but with Sirus it was different. He devoured her like he would feast on her sex for eternity if he could. It made her that much wetter, drove her that much closer to the edge, knowing how much he wanted her.
She wanted more of him. She wanted every part of him. But she was so close and couldn’t think straight. She felt drunk off of his tongue. His fingers began to work inside her again, and Gwen stifled a cry, digging her fingers into his scalp. She felt him growl against her sex.
With Sirus, she didn’t feel self-conscious. She felt bold and brave and sexy and beautiful. He wanted to make her come, and her whole body swelled with flutters of energy knowing it.
Gwen came close to the edge and knew she was going to come apart. In the spring, she’d felt this close to him as he held her. It had been intimate and startling. Here, now, it was hot and desperate, but she still felt it. That he cherished her. The way he touched her and drew her out. How he got pleasure from her pleasure. She wanted to give them both pleasure.
Stars crested her vision as she tumbled over the edge. Gwen didn’t try to hold in her cries; they came loud and raw as she clung to him in the periphery of her mind. Sirus languished over her, drawing out every last sound and whimper and convulsion.
When calm came back over her, when the darkness settled and her pulse stopped pounding in her ears, all she could focus on were her harsh breaths in the darkness as he held her hips firmly so she wouldn’t topple over. Her body felt like it was floating, her legs like jelly. Gwen lightly ran her hands through the pitch black until they landed on his chest.
She wished she could see his face in that moment. Her hands meant to work their way up, but instead they slid down the front of him. Down his muscled sternum and abs to that V, showing her which path to follow, as if she didn’t already know. His hands snatched her wrists and held them firm.
Gwen blinked in her haze. “I want to touch you,” she breathed. No more games. No more orders.
He held her wrists firm and leaned in. She felt the heat of his body, but it didn’t press into hers. A kiss brushed her forehead, and he let out a deep breath that fell hot on her skin.
“It is late. You should sleep.”
She closed her eyes and smiled, breathing him in deep. Sleep was the farthest thing from her mind right now. Her skin felt electric. He made her feel electric. Gwen recognized his hesitancy. She easily pulled her hands from his grip, placing them on his chest once more. Even in the utter darkness she could find his lips. She brushed them with a featherlight kiss.
Gwen didn’t want this night to end. She didn’t know if they’d even get another one, but she wouldn’t think about that now. “Stay with me,” she whispered. Right now, all she wanted was for him to wrap her in his darkness until she forgot there was anything else.
Sirus struggled to hold his grip of control. She had brought him to his knees, and he would happily stay there forever if he could. Drawing out her pleasure. He inhaled her soft scent of lilies like it were a drug. He could still taste the sweetness of her climax on his tongue.
Gwendolyn didn’t know what she tempted to unleash. He’d told himself he would enjoy what little time together they could before she was gone forever. That he would give her whatever she desired.
He’d been such a fool.
As he stood there, a war raged within him. On one side he desired to give her everything; on the other he feared what that would mean. There was a line he would not cross. Not even with his lovers. With Gwendolyn, he was not sure he could control his baser self, and Sirus knew if he hurt her he would never get over it.
With every ounce of control he had, he stepped back, away from her. “Sleep,” he repeated, drawing as much ice into his voice as he could. “You have training in the morning.”
She shifted in the darkness, her expression turning puzzled, then sad. It was agonizing.
“Why?” The word was sharp and full of emotion. Her eyes shifted in the darkness, unable to find him.
He took in a breath and held it, unsure as to how to explain.
Gwendolyn didn’t wait for his response. She let out a huff of deprecating laughter. “Is this some kind of kink?” she bit out harshly. “Fuck with the mortal girl and then drop her like a sack of potatoes?”
A surge of fear rippled through him. “No,” he declared flatly.
She snorted. “Then what?” she hissed, throwing her hands up then running them through her hair.
No words came to him. How could he explain himself? What could he say? That he was afraid? That he wanted her more than he wanted air in his fucking lungs? That he would give her everything?
She sniffled, and it nearly broke him. “I don’t know what you want from me, Sirus,” she confessed with clear confusion. “I don’t even know what this is. I just—” Gwendolyn shifted in the darkness until she reached the edge of the bed. She sat down, wrapping her arms around herself. “You know I care about you,” she admitted. “And I know you fucking care about me too, even if you won’t admit it.”
It was like an arrow through his heart. Aimed true and precise. Yes, he cared about her. The words were on the tip of his tongue, but they wouldn’t come. Silence was all that filled the dark expanse between them.
Gwendolyn shifted, looked away from where she assumed he was. Her face was pained. “Just go,” she mumbled.
In his long life, Sirus had felt knives and swords slice through most of him. But those two words pierced more acutely than any blade he’d ever felt. They drove directly into his heart.
“I do not trust myself, Gwendolyn.” The words came out hollow.
She blinked away tears, her face turning back toward him. Frustration and pain still lingered in her eyes. Sirus ran his hands over his face and down his beard, willing himself to speak. Wanting her to understand.
“I have lived lifetimes. I have done things you cannot fathom. There is a reason I am alone.” Her nose crinkled in that way he found so adorable, and Sirus forced himself to look away. “I am alone because no one has ever dared get close to me.” He took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Not until you.”
Sirus heard her breath hitch, and he looked back up to find her sitting on the very edge of the bed. She stood and delicately padded closer to where she thought he would be in the dark. He did not go to her. “We cannot continue this,” he told her, knowing it was for the best. Feeling the warmth she’d filled him with turn to ice.
“The hell we can’t,” she snapped, so frustrated she ran into the back of a chair. Her eyes darted around, trying to find him. He knew they wouldn’t. He’d pulled the shadows in close. All that filled the space was utter darkness.
“I am vampire,” he told her. “I am not?—”
“Shut up!” she seethed. “Shut up, you giant, stupid vampire man!”
Sirus didn’t know what to do. No one had ever spoken to him so. Ever.
With a grumble of frustration, Gwendolyn held her hand out before her, and within it a ball of swirling blue light appeared. Usually, not even magick could reveal him when he pulled the shadows around him, but in the light of her magick he could not stay hidden.
Her eyes landed on him immediately, and her frustration shifted into something pained. Sirus felt exposed in a way that made every part of him want nothing more than to slip back into the darkness, but there was no running from this. From her.
Slowly, Gwendolyn edged closer to him, delicately balancing that swirling ball of light in her palm. When she was only an arm’s reach away, she stopped and let out a stuttered breath. “I don’t know what this is, Sirus,” she told him softly. “It freaks me the hell out too, but—” She shook her head. “But that’s only because I don’t know what will happen. What I do know is, these last few weeks with you have been—fucking great.”
Tentatively, she reached out and touched his arm. His skin sizzled beneath her touch. She slid it down until she held his hand in hers. She turned his palm up and brought it to her lips, pressing a delicate kiss on the callused center.
“Gwendolyn.” He spoke her name because he could speak nothing else.
She smiled warmly up at him, and with a flick of her wrist dropped the light and cast them once more in shadows. “Do you want to stay?” she asked him again.
He closed his eyes, relishing the feel of her fingers as they trailed up his forearm. He could not lie to her. Not now. “Yes,” he rasped.
She ran her fingers back down until they wrapped around his hand, and she pulled him back toward her. “Then come,” she told him. “Come lay with me.”
Whatever fear he had before seemed to evaporate as he followed her toward the bed. His heart thrummed in his chest. He thought he’d felt anticipation before, but nothing compared to this. Nothing compared to her.
She was power. She was beautiful. She was fearless.
His Goddess.
The light to his shadow.