A Laird and a Healer (Rebel Highland Brides #2)

Chapter 9

T hey sounded like thunder, and for a moment, she thought she could feel the floor shaking beneath her feet.

“Tara, wait,” came his words.

This time they were not an order, but rather a plea. Devoid of authority, they dripped with desperation, and it was this that caused Tara to slow her pace. If he had said anything else or sounded more demanding, then she would have simply kept on walking. Instead, she turned. She looked at him.

The anger had softened. His eyes were filled with regret rather than rage. His hand was reaching out to her, fingers trembling, not a fist in sight. His mouth hung open and his movements had been so hasty that a few locks of hair had come loose. They brushed against his cheek and neck, somehow making him look more vulnerable.

Tara steeled her heart and crossed her arms over her chest, digging her hands beneath her arms. She glared at him, wanting to make herself as cold as ice. He stopped short of her. There was no close dancing any longer. There was no feeling his heart thrumming through him, or drinking in the scent of him.

“Stay,” he breathed.

Again, it was a request, and it felt for the whole world that his entire existence depended upon her granting it. Her resolve broke at the sound of his voice. Her lips parted.

“If I am tae stay, then ye need tae be honest with me, Gordon. What is all this? Why did ye hae me dressed like that, dance, and then try tae scare me away?” she asked.

Gordon’s head dropped. He turned, looking around at all of his guests. Some of them stared expectantly, most were afraid of falling victim to his ire, and so they pretended to be preoccupied by something else entirely. The musicians were tuning their instruments, and some other guests were inspecting the food, although none dared eat anything. Gordon grimaced and then lifted his gaze to look directly into her eyes.

“Nae here. If we are tae speak, then it must be in private.”

Tara acquiesced to his terms. She inclined his head and fell into step with him. He led her down the hallway and when they were about halfway down, she became aware of the sense of relief that permeated the hall. Music was struck up again and people fell back into the mood of the party. No doubt the feast would be rife with conversation about what had just happened, but it would all happen beyond Tara’s reach.

They walked in silence. Gordon shuffled more than walked. His shoulders were bent and his head bowed. He led her to a side door and opened it. The night was cold. She shivered. He took off his cloak and wrapped it around her shoulders without asking. Warmth enveloped her, as did his scent. She tried not to find it so pleasing, but it was impossible. She pulled the garment tight around herself, and for a moment, it felt as though his arms were holding her.

The gardens of the castle were wild. Shrubs and flowers grew at their own whims, tangling along the ground. The air was alive with their scent. In the distance, the dark forest loomed, and beyond that, the jagged peaks of mountains reached into the air, as though they wanted to prick the sky itself. Stars were visible through misty clouds, and the moon was a mere sliver of light. The castle loomed behind them, most of the windows dark, but fire winked in a few.

Their footsteps were soft, crunching on bracken and brittle twigs. Gordon led her around the perimeter of the castle, the wall always on her left, making her feel trapped between the building and him. She had not yet uncrossed her arms. When she looked at the wilderness, she wondered what might happen if she tried to run. Would Gordon still chase after her, or would he allow her some semblance of freedom? Would the night be kinder to her than he had been, or would the world swallow her up?

Eventually, they reached an old stone bench, which might well have been present since the castle was first built. Moss ran around the legs of the bench, making it difficult to see where the bench ended and the ground began. Gordon sighed as he took a seat. He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his thighs and putting his head in his hands, as though he succumbed to an invisible weight.

Tara waited for him to speak. She wasn’t about to press him. He was going to have to do this of his own accord if he wanted her to understand what was happening. She was not going to spend her life chasing after secrets.

Then, he took a deep breath, and finally, he spoke. “I apologize for my outburst. I should nae hae reacted like that. It’s just that some things… some things strike deep.”

“Things tae dae with yer wife,” she pointed out, testing him by mentioning that word again.

He winced, but otherwise he did not react. Thankfully, he did not snap at her this time, for she was only giving him one chance to explain.

“Where is she? Why hae she nae seen Keith? Why hae I seen nae trace of her?”

“Her name was Laurel. She’s gone.”

The words had a dull weight to them. Tara leaned back, and suddenly, everything became clear. She chastised herself for thinking that Gordon had trapped his wife in the dungeon. She could almost hear Nessa teasing her for overcomplicating matters. Sometimes the simplest solution was the truth. He ran his hand along his chin and collected himself.

“It hae nae been easy, but it’s important that ye know the entire story. Laurel and I… we were married, but ours was nae grand love story. We were good friends. She was my equal in sae many ways, just as much a part of this land as I. She could hunt as well as me, skin an animal more quickly than I could, and she could drink me under the table as well,” he chuckled warmly as he said this. “But love? Well, it dinnae come easily.”

“Then why did ye get married?”

“Because I needed a wife, and out here we dinnae make a habit of sending out for brides. She was a fine woman and I knew she would give me a healthy child. What’s more is I could stand her company, and we decided it was best tae hae a companion rather than tae marry someone I could nae stand. I grew very fond of her in time, but it was nae the kind of love ye hear about, nae the kind that ye describe between yer sister and her husband.”

Tara frowned, a little confused by the nature of this story, but she allowed him to continue.

“Anyway, she became ill. I tried tae save her. I tried everything I could. I gathered every healer in the clan and promised them untold riches if they could save her, but none of them succeeded. I grew angrier and angrier with them because they were all useless, and every day she was fading away from me.”

“It sounds like she meant a great deal tae ye. Ye are getting very upset.”

He gave her a wry smile and wiped his hand along his face. “I’m upset because I could never give her what she deserved. She died because she was my wife. She looked across at her husband, and she dinnae see a man who loved her more than life itself. She saw a friend.”

“I doubt it was because she was yer wife that she died,” Tara remarked, although Gordon did not respond to this comment, as though he had not spoken at all.

“I felt guilty that she was nae gaeing tae grow old. She was supposed tae enjoy the freedom of being a Laird’s wife, but instead she grew sick, and she became weaker and weaker. When ye asked what hae happened, I could nae tell ye because I dinnae know anything. None of the healers gave me any information at all. All I knew is that she was sick, and then she died. And taewards the end, she became aware that she was gaeing tae die.

She made me promise two things, that I would take care of our boy, and that I would find someone tae love properly and truly. And I… I dinnae know if it’s fair that I get tae live while she died. Where’s the justice in it? Why should I get the chance tae be happy when she hae suffered more than everyone?”

His words cracked under the weight of his emotion, and his shoulders shuddered. Heavy breaths rolled out of him, but he sucked them back and put all of his energy into keeping controlled.

Tara kept her voice even. She had seen this kind of thing before from people who lost those close to them. There was always a kind of guilt that pervaded their minds, a sense that they should have been the ones to suffer.

“It’s nae yer fault, Gordon. We are nae in control of these afflictions. We dinnae know who they are gaeing tae affect. It is nae like an arrow we can deflect, nor can we push someone out of the way of a falling boulder. We simply hae tae accept that this is the way things are.”

“It dinnae seem fair.”

“I hae seen good men and bad men suffer the same fate. I hae seen children fall ill. The one truth of which I am certain is that life is nae fair, but as ye said, she hae suffered enough. It dinnae mean that ye need tae suffer as well. In all the patients I hae treated, none of them hae ever wished ill on those they leave behind. They always want them tae enjoy life, tae appreciate the things that my patients could nae. I’m sure she meant every word she spoke tae ye and ye should nae refuse her wishes. That would be most disrespectful of all.”

“I just want tae dae right by her, and then Keith fell ill, and I thought I was gaeing tae lose him as well. I saw it all happening again before my eyes and I could nae let it. I could nae. I’m sorry for taking ye like that, but I needed tae find someone tae help. I was nae about tae let him die. She made me promise tae look after him, and I let this happen,” he choked up more fiercely at this, and she saw crystal tears pour from his eyes. Tara could not help but be moved by this display of raw emotion.

“But ye dinnae let anything happen. Keith is safe. Ye protected him. I’m nae gaeing tae say that ye went about it the right way, but I certainly understand why ye did what ye did. Soon enough, he will be running around just as he was before, and all of this will be a distant memory.”

“But he dinnae hae his Ma. Maybe if I hae done something differently, I could hae helped her. If ye were here, ye could hae saved her.”

“Perhaps, but that is nae necessarily the case. Sometimes the same illness can affect people differently. It could be that it was more severe with her. Ye cannae blame yerself for what happened. The world can be cruel, and part of the tragedy of my work is that I know I am never truly gaeing tae win. There are always gaeing tae be people that I cannae save, illnesses that I cannae cure. I am gaeing tae hae tae sit by a lot of people as they take their last breath.”

“How can ye?” he breathed.

“Because I think about the people I can save,” she explained in a determined tone. “I think about the people I hae helped reunite with their families. I think about the people who hae walked away after being bedridden. I think about the way they hae a new lease on life and embrace it fully, seeking to make up for lost time. I will always hold those I lose in my heart, and sometimes at night it becomes tae much, and I weep for them. But if I stopped, then more would die, more would suffer. I hae tae keep those people in mind, people like Keith. Seeing him open his eyes again is why I dae this.”

Gordon nodded along with her words. “Ye are strong, Tara. Stronger than ye give yerself credit for, I’d wager.”

“I just like helping people.”

He smirked. “Ye would be surprised tae learn what a rare quality that is.”

“It’s nae all that rare. Ye wanted tae help this woman ye claimed nae tae hae loved.”

“She was a good friend,” he nodded. “I miss her. She understood this clan. She understood me. And she gave me Keith. I will be eternally grateful tae her for that. I did try loving her, ye know. I tried with all my heart, but it’s the kind of thing that cannae be forced.”

“It either happens or it dinnae,” Tara replied.

Gordon lifted his head and their eyes met again. He blinked away his tears.

“Ye hae tae forgive yerself for what happened tae Laurel. Ye cannae gae on exploding with anger like this and snapping at people every time yer wife is mentioned.”

“I’m nae sure I can keep tae the promises I made. I’m nae sure I deserve it,” he muttered, allowing his head to hang down.

Tara’s hand moved of its own accord. She placed it on his forearm, her fingers resting gently upon him. This touch brought his head tilting towards her.

“Keith wants ye tae be happy. Laurel wanted ye tae be happy. It seems that the only person around here who dinnae want ye tae be happy is ye,” she said, laughing lightly. “How can ye be happy without love in yer life?”

“I wish that were true, but I am nae a fitting match for anyone after I failed her. She fell ill, my son fell ill, what if I am cursed?”

“Ye dinnae strike me as a man who believes in such things.”

“There are strange things out in the world,” he argued in a wary tone. For a moment, he shifted his gaze out to the horizon, before returning it to Tara. “And I’m nae sure that I can hae what I truly want.”

“I thought that Laird Abernathy could take whatever he wants because this is his land and everything in it belongs tae him.”

“I’m learning that this may be the wrong attitude. Tara, I need tae be honest with ye. I thought I could resist these emotions, until I laid eyes on ye. I know I am nae the kind of man ye hae dreamed about, and I might nae deserve anything like this, but I feel things for ye, things that I cannae understand and?—”

As Tara listened to him, she lost herself in his eyes. She saw that everything he had done was cloaked in difficult emotions, and this endeared him to her. He was not a fearsome monster, just a man who had suffered tragedy and was wracked with guilt. He deserved to be happy as much as anyone else, and his life should not have been marred with tragedy.

And at this moment, she had both her sisters’ voices echoing in her mind. Usually, they gave her different kinds of advice, but this time they were united in their opinion.

Kiss him! they screamed, and so Tara did just that.

For one special moment, she summoned all the courage her young heart could muster, and she shrugged off the girl she had once been, instead embracing the woman who wore the colors and jewels of the Abernathy Clan, and all the power that came with it.

His words fell silent as she stole his breath from him. His lips were firm and warm, expressive in their reaction. His breath washed over her. She had spent many nights thinking about what her first kiss would be like, but experiencing it was wholly different than thinking about it.

She wasn’t prepared for the heat, or the tingling sensations that ran amok through her entire body. She suddenly felt lighter than air, and when she opened her eyes, she would not have been surprised to see the stars all around her.

The chill of the night was burned away as his fingers ran up her spine. She combed her fingers through his hair and lost herself in the deep kiss, part of her hoping that it would last forever. She could heal him with her affection, and she was beginning to suspect that she might have been in need of a similar type of healing herself.

When the kiss ended, she was smiling, but Gordon had a strange look on his face. He inhaled deeply and took both her hands, kissing them.

“Ye look truly lovely taenight, Tara. I hae never seen anyone sae beautiful. Ye even put the stars tae shame.”

Then he rose, and his hands slipped away. He bowed deeply and left her feeling confused. His words were sweet, and the kiss was undeniable, but why did he leave? Did he regret kissing her? Was he unable to let go of the belief that he did not deserve love?

Tara pushed herself up from the bench and peered into the darkness to find him, but he was already lost to the shadows. She looked up at the stars and wore a wan smile, before she returned to her room. Tonight she did not write in her journal. She wanted to keep her thoughts all to herself.