Chapter 10
T ara barely slept through the night, her thoughts turning back to Gordon and the kiss they shared. It had raised more questions than anything else, and she wasn’t sure where they stood now. Did he want to make a new start with her, or was he still consumed with guilt? She left her room and went to visit Keith, who greeted her with a smile. She was glad to see a huge empty bowl of porridge beside him.
“I see that ye appetite is back,” she said. Keith grinned and nodded. “How are ye feeling otherwise?”
“I am still getting tired quite easily. I hae tae rest a lot. I am trying tae pace around the room, but my legs ache. I want tae gae riding, but Da said I’m gaeing tae hae tae wait a wee while for that.”
“Aye,” Tara nodded. “Ye dinnae want tae push yerself tae quickly, as that might make things worse. But ye will get there, just keep daeing what ye are daeing and it will all be fine.”
Keith sighed and looked despondent. “I try, but I hate missing out on things, like the feast last night.”
Tara was beginning to think it was better for him that he had missed out. How would he feel about seeing his father dancing with another woman?
“Oh, there will be other feasts.” She made a cursory examination of Keith, and then a thought occurred to her. “I was speaking tae ye Da last night, and he told me about ye Ma. I am sorry about what happened.”
Keith looked crestfallen and sighed. “I miss her. She grew ill and nobody could tell us why. Da was beside himself. I thought he was gaeing tae shake this castle apart, he was sae angry. And then she died,” he sniffed. “She told me that I was gaeing tae hae tae be strong for Da, that he was nae as powerful as he liked tae think he was. She said I hae a lot of growing up tae dae, and I wanted tae keep my word, but then I became ill as well. I cannae help but think I let Da down.”
“I’m sure ye hae nae,” Tara comforted him.
Things began to fall into place, and she had a better idea of the timing of events. While she wasn’t exactly sure how long Laurel and Keith had been ill, they had occurred one after the other. No wonder Gordon struggled with his emotions so much. He barely had time to grieve his wife before his son became ill.
People needed time to reflect upon emotions like these, but he had not been afforded that luxury. He must have had sleepless nights when Laurel was ill, and then again when Keith fell ill. That alone would take a toll on a man, especially one who carried everything on his shoulders.
“I was nae there when he needed me. He was all alone while I was sleeping. I dinnae like tae think of him like that,” Keith said softly.
“He was nae alone. I was here,” Tara explained with a smile, and this made Keith brighten. “Although I hae tae admit that yer Da can be a hard man. He spent a lot time by himself, when he was nae by yer bedside.”
“He gets like that sometimes, but he will dae anything tae protect the people he loves. I think that’s why he found it so difficult with Ma. There was naeone tae fight with.”
So instead he fought with himself, Tara thought. “Dae ye Da fight with many people?”
Keith shrugged. “Beasts sometimes, bandits. Some people like tae steal things from us. Da dinnae let them. This is our land, and we need tae protect it. When I get strong again I will gae out there with him and fight alongside him. He hae been training me.” Keith lifted his head proudly.
“Oh aye? Are ye good with a sword?”
Keith nodded. “And with a bow.”
“My sister favors the bow.”
“I bet I could outshoot her.”
“I doubt it, but she would like the challenge.”
“What weapon dae ye wield?”
“Ah, I dinnae wield any. I hae never been prone tae violence. I prefer tae heal people. I gather herbs and other ingredients, mix them together, and make medicine.”
“Can ye teach me how tae make medicine?”
“Perhaps, although I dinnae know how long I am tae remain here,” Tara remembered how Gordon had promised one more day. That day had come and gone, and still, she remained here. “I hae a home waiting for me. I hae sisters who miss me.”
“Dae ye hae a husband?” Keith asked.
She was taken aback by the direct question. Given his attitude and the fragments that Gordon had told her of Laurel, Tara could put together a good picture of Keith’s mother. She must have been a formidable woman. Tara would quite like to have met her.
“I dinnae,” Tara replied, and quickly moved the conversation along before Keith could suggest talking about something that she did not wish to discuss.
Last night, with the wine swimming in her mind, the stars aglow, and the taste of his mouth lingering on his lips, the thought of love was something she seriously considered. But now, with the new dawn, it seemed unfeasible. How could she start something here when there was still unfinished business left in her own clan? How could she be with him when she wasn’t even sure he could allow himself to fall in love?
It wasn’t long after this that Keith fell asleep. While she enjoyed talking to the boy, she was glad of the respite because she wasn’t sure how to address certain topics. The kiss she and Gordon shared made her more inclined to want to heal him, but was it possible? Some people held on to their wounds and allowed themselves to be defined by them. She didn’t know if Gordon would be able to move past his pain. Was it sensible to fall for a man like him? Was she capable of stopping herself if she had already started?
As though she conjured him from her deepest dreams, he came to check on his son while Keith was sleeping. The door opened and he was standing there. He paused for a moment, startled by her presence. He looked like the man she saw when she first arrived. Another sleepless night had plagued him. Was it because of her? Was the gift of her kiss so terrible that it had kept him awake?
Tara averted her gaze and kept her attention on Keith.
“How is he?” Gordon asked. He approached the bed, sitting on the opposite side to Tara.
“He seems in good spirits, and he’s eating well. I cannae detect any lingering effects of the fever, sae I think he is out of the woods. All he needs tae dae now is build up his strength. It will all return in time, and things will be as they were.” She winced as she said this because she knew that it was not entirely true. Laurel was not going to be there, of course.
Gordon nodded slowly and inhaled. He stroked Keith’s cheek with the back of his fingers. “In that case, I suppose ye are making plans tae leave. I’m aware the one day I asked of ye is already over,” he stated.
His words were cold. Was he not going to mention the kiss at all? Was he going to pretend like it never happened? Tara studied him, this proud man who cloaked himself in darkness and secrets, who lashed out with his emotions despite claiming that he was in full control of everything. He didn’t seem himself as worthy of love, so when faced with an earnest kiss was he likely to bow down to the emotion or hide from it?
And if he truly believed that Laurel had been cursed to be his wife, then he would not want to subject Tara to that kind of fate either. He would push her away, even when that wasn’t what he truly wanted.
And she realized that she did not want that either.
Her tone was light and airy as she replied. “Actually, I am considering staying a wee bit longer, just tae make sure Keith is fully healed. I would hate tae leave before things can fully be resolved.”
Gordon’s gaze met hers, and she did not believe the subtext went unnoticed. Silence passed between them, and although he did not comment on her words, she believed she saw a trace of a smile pass across his lips. If so, it only lasted a moment.
“Whatever ye think is best,” he said, and then rose from his seat.
He bristled with tension, and she was unsure how to respond. She watched him leave. It was ironic, she thought. Here she was, volunteering to stay when she had been so afraid that he would not make her leave. However, she felt that there was some unfinished business between them, and she could not depart from the clan until it was resolved. The stirrings in her heart were too potent to be ignored.
With Keith asleep, there was not much for Tara to do. She tried looking for Gordon, only to be told that he had gone out riding. Where? They could not say. For how long? That was undecided as well. Gordon was a closed-off man who seemed to want to work things out by himself instead of speaking about the matter directly.
In the meantime, Tara believed that she should write to Caroline and inform her of what was happening. It wasn’t unheard of for healers to spend some time away while visiting patients, but it would at least allay any concerns that Caroline might have had.
She drafted a letter, not going into great detail about how she found herself in the Abernathy Clan, or her personal entanglement with Gordon, but just about how she helped a child in need, and that she was going to remain in the clan for an indeterminate length of time while she waited for the child to recover properly.
It wasn’t exactly a lie, but it wasn’t exactly the truth either. However, she wasn’t prepared to tell Caroline about the situation until she knew more, and she would rather speak about it directly rather than reveal this in a letter.
She had lunch, checked in on Keith again, who was still sleeping, and then heard a commotion outside as Gordon returned. She watched him from her window dismounting from his horse, his powerful legs slamming into the ground. He walked with purpose into the Keep, and she rushed out of the room, finding a guard who took her to Gordon’s study.
He was leafing through various messages that had been left for him when Tara entered. He looked at her for a long time, but he did not move from his seat.
“I hoped ye might send this letter tae me sister. I told her where I am sae that she can stop worrying. I told her that I am a guest of Laird Abernathy, and I am tending to his son, and that I shall return home when I am satisfied that the illness is nae gaeing tae return.”
She placed the letter on the desk. A shadow fell over Gordon’s face.
“I thought ye said he was cured. I thought ye said he was free of danger. Hae ye lied tae me?” he rasped, rising to a standing position. Tara sighed.
“Nae, I am lying tae me sister. Dae I need tae make it plain tae ye? I am staying for ye, nae for Keith. I simply dinnae wish tae reveal that in a letter,” she confessed, huffing as she did so.
Gordon softened at this and ran his hand along his chin.
“Ah, I dinnae quite know what tae say tae that.”
“Aye, ye dinnae seem tae know what tae say about anything that matters.”
Frustration raged inside her and came out in snapping words. Being so close to him again brought back fervent memories of the kiss, but he was acting as though it had never happened at all. Was it all a dream? No, it couldn’t be. She remembered the warmth of his lips and the pressure of his hands upon her. She recalled the feeling of falling into deep bliss, as though she was becoming undone inside and there had never been a happier moment in her life.
But he was acting aloof. He had already walked away from her in silence once, and he hadn’t even explained himself. Now he looked at her as if he had no idea what she was talking about, and this was perhaps more maddening than anything else.
“Ye hae nae even apologized,” she fired at him, unable to keep her feelings locked inside.
“Apologized for what?”
Where to begin? He had made many transgressions upon her, but in the present moment only one mattered. “For what happened. For what ye did.”
He bowed his head and a grave look came upon his face. “I am sorry. I should nae hae kissed ye. I took advantage of ye. I would nae wish tae curse ye with these feelings. I am nae the kind of man any sane woman would wish tae marry.”
Tara stared at him, open-mouthed. “Ye just insulted me twice, Laird Abernathy.” She used his official title, her voice turning to a growl.
His gaze flicked towards her, surprised flashing in his eyes. If he did not understand how he insulted her, she was not about to explain because she was far too intent on confronting him. But perhaps one of the insults cut close to the quick. Perhaps she was insane for wanting to be with a man like him, but was not love a form of insanity?
“Ye dinnae take advantage of me. I knew full well what I was daeing, and I presumed ye did tae. I thought we hae come tae an understanding. Did all the dancing and all the conversation mean naething tae ye? Since ye are nae a woman, I dinnae think ye are qualified tae decide whether ye are the type of man one wants tae marry, whether she’s insane or nae. And perhaps I hae lost my mind by coming here and talking tae ye. I should be long gone, riding home, back tae the welcoming arms of my sisters.” She flung her arm in the vague direction of home.
Then her arm fell back to her side and she stepped towards him, her voice dropping to a low volume. “But I am here. I am still here, with ye. But if ye want me gone, then tell me sae at least I know where I stand. If ye think ye never should hae given me that kiss, then send me away from this clan, and we will never hae tae speak about it again.”
She looked him directly in the eyes. His were swimming with emotion. He looked pained, but not in the way he had been when she first arrived in the clan. He was trembling with emotion and his hand twitched, as though he wanted to reach out to her. Tara felt something deep and profound washing through her. She could sense the pull towards him, yet he seemed reluctant to acknowledge it. Was the pain really so great that he couldn’t bring himself to be happy again? Was he really going to push her aside because of all he had lost in the past?
“Of course I dinnae want ye gone,” he finally said in a hoarse whisper. “That kiss… Och, lass, it was the sweetest thing.”
“Then why did ye walk away?”
“Because I am a fool,” he admitted, his voice hardening and resolve entering his gaze. “I dinnae believe that a man like me deserves a lass like ye, and when ye kissed me I felt… happy.”
Tara almost laughed in disbelief. “And that made ye walk away?”
Gordon hung his head. “Ye dinnae know what it’s like tae live here. We are a hard people, and we are taught tae live hard lives. We make the most of what little we hae, and we are nae used tae being happy. After all that’s happened, I assumed someone like ye could hae anyone she wants. Why would ye want the Laird of a clan that hae little tae offer?”
“I dinnae want a Laird. I want ye.” Tara stepped forward and clasped his hands tightly, this time not wanting to let him go. “Are ye such a fool that ye cannae see that, Gordon? I dinnae care about the politics or the clan. I just care about ye. But if ye dinnae care about me in the same way?—”
He cut her words off immediately. “I dae,” he said, his words dripping with intent. “Ye hae made me feel alive again after I thought I lost everything. Ye saved my son… ye saved me. I hae felt things for ye ever since we met, and they hae only grown stronger the more I hae learned about ye. There are sae many things that draw me to ye, Tara, and if ye truly believe I deserve this second chance, then I want tae take it.”
“Then take it,” she dared him.
He didn’t need to be challenged twice. In a flash of movement, he took her in his arms and pulled her in for a tight kiss. His breath washed over her, and she was pulled onto her tiptoes. Prickling heat ran all over her body, and it was as though she lost herself. This time, Gordon did not run. This time, there was no mistaking the way they felt for each other.
But their kiss was interrupted by a knock on the door. A servant was standing there with a solemn look on his face. Tara turned, reluctantly stepping away from Gordon. Her cheeks were still rosy from the stirred passion, but a sinking feeling appeared in her heart.