All That I Want (The Hesitant Husbands #2)

Chapter 11

That evening after dinner, they were gathered in the parlor when Lainey made an announcement.

“All right, then. You’ve had all day. It’s time to propose names for the new kitten.”

Gavin was torn between wanting to stick a fork in his eye and hearing what ridiculous suggestion would come from Devereaux. Thank God he and Aidan were escaping within the hour for a game of cards at a friend’s nearby home. If Gavin had to sit here and watch these men fawn over Lainey again tonight, he might hurt someone.

He’d always been fairly good at keeping his temper in check, but this house party was testing his control, and it was frightening to discover how easy it would be to lose it. No, he was here to make sure Lainey got what she wanted, and if she was happy, then he would be content.

Several cat names were bandied about, but nothing seemed to catch Lainey’s attention. Devereaux grinned at her.

“Scout. Muffin. Crumbcake! Edward?” Everyone laughed as Devereaux got more and more animated with each name he called out. Gavin rolled his eyes when Lainey giggled.

“Mr. Devereaux, you are just shouting out random names, you aren’t even trying!” she admonished with a smile.

He shrugged. “Truly, it’s a cat. It’s going to ignore you when you call it anyway, so what difference does it make what you name it?”

Everyone laughed again, then lapsed into a thoughtful pause.

“Bingley,” Gavin muttered into the silence. Lainey slowly swung her gaze toward him, pinning him with wide eyes.

“I beg your pardon?”

Blast. He hadn’t thought he’d said it loud enough for anyone to hear. He sighed. “Mr. Bingley. You know, from Pride and Prejudice.”

“Yes, I know who Mr. Bingley is. I am surprised that you do.”

Gavin shrugged. “It’s your favorite.”

Lainey stared at him, drawing her eyebrows together. “So, you read it?”

Oh, hell. There was a moment of uncomfortable silence as all eyes turned to him. He shifted in his chair. “Well. You were so obsessed with it. I just wanted to see what all the swooning was about.” He cleared his throat. “Actually, it was, ah…it was quite good.”

Someone snickered, and Lainey’s mouth fell open slightly. Everyone was staring, the men waiting to pounce on the fact that Gavin has read what was widely viewed as a romantic novel, and the women’s eyes had all gone soft. Gavin thought perhaps he’d tied his tie a little too tight because suddenly air was having trouble getting into his throat.

“So, you wouldn’t name him Darcy, then? He is the romantic hero of the story, after all.”

She was testing him. Gavin scoffed. “That cat is no Darcy. I’ve never seen a less stand-offish creature in my life. He just wants to please you and be loved in return. That cat is a Bingley, through and through.”

Oh, for Pete’s sake, next he was going to be joining the ladies tea and discussing the latest fashion. Where the hell was Aidan? He needed to escape before he lost what remained of his dignity.

“I do believe you are correct, Mr. Mayfield,” Lainey said softly, picking up the little ball of fluff and looking him in the eye. “What do you think? Would you like to be called Bingley?” The kitten let out a tiny meow, and everyone cheered. “Well then, Bingley it is! Thank you, Mr. Mayfield, for your excellent suggestion.” She kissed the kitten and put him down to scamper over to play with the tassel on the draperies.

At last, Aidan arrived to collect Gavin, and he nearly bolted from his chair. “You are very welcome, my lady. I bid you all a good evening.”

He made a hasty exit, but not before he heard Devereaux mutter, “Nancy.” Oh, he would never live this down.

It was very late, and she really should go to bed, but Lainey couldn’t stop reliving the moment Gavin admitted he had read her favorite book simply because she liked it so. It seemed such a romantic gesture, but she knew better than to assign any meaning to it. Well, her mind knew better. Her heart was still tripping foolishly. She told it to stop, she was clearly of no interest to Gavin, and yet…

“Desist, Lainey.” She smacked her palm on her dressing table. “It means nothing, he was just curious. You are letting those romances you read go to your head.” She stood up, intending to go get a book from Aidan’s library, preferably something dull that would send her right to sleep. She didn’t want to dream about kisses or romantic gestures or how it had felt to have Gavin’s arms around her the other night, even accidentally and for just a moment—

“Gah!” She stomped toward the door, pulling on a wrapper as she went, muttering under her breath. She crept down the stairs and made her way to the library, halting just outside the drawing room door when she heard men’s voices. Bother. She couldn’t pass the open door without being seen, and those voices didn’t belong to either Gavin or Aidan, who were both still out for the evening. She was about to turn around, abandoning her plans for reading, when Charles Devereaux’s question caught her attention.

“Do you think she’s too proper, though?”

Lainey froze. Were they discussing her? She knew she should leave, but her legs refused to agree.

“I like a proper lady, Devereaux,” Pritchard responded. “Nothing wrong with that. Lady Elaine is a fine woman.”

That answered that, and thank you, Pritchard. Glass clinked and the sound of a drink being poured reached her ears.

“Yes, of course. But I mean, I need a little adventure. I don’t want a cold or distant wife, one who never likes to let loose and have a little fun. I don’t know her like some of you do. She seems charming enough, but also reserved. The last thing I want is to be bored with my marriage. That’s not enjoyable for either one of us.”

Lainey’s face flushed warm. Devereaux was effortlessly reinforcing her insecurities. Maybe she was boring. Too stiff. Too proper. She’d spent her life being above reproach, and then had to double her efforts when her engagement was broken. Had that made her unattractive to men as a wife? She’d thought that was the kind of person they wanted, so she’d tamped down her adventurous spirit and been the perfect example of propriety. All it had gotten her was rejection. Twice. And it appeared it may be happening again.

“I say, if you don’t think she’s for you, Devereaux, then back off and give the rest of us a chance,” someone grumbled. It sounded like Mr. Fox.

“Right,” Pritchard agreed. “I’ve known Lady Elaine and her family for years. She would make anyone an excellent wife.”

“All right, all right, no need to get testy. I’m just looking for some insight. Marriage is a permanent situation. I want to know what I might be getting into. I’m not the type to have extramarital affairs, so I’d like a woman who enjoys bedsport as much as I do…and I’m not sure she would. I’d bet you twenty pounds she’s never so much as been kissed.”

“Well now you are just being boorish, Devereaux,” the American scolded.

A tiny dagger of pain lanced Lainey’s chest, bringing a sting to her eyes. How mortifying to be discussed in such a way.

Even more so because Devereaux was entirely correct.

Not one man had ever attempted to steal a kiss from her.

If that didn’t prove she was unattractive and dull, she didn’t know what did. Unable to listen to any more, she turned and fled toward her brother’s study instead, all thoughts of reading forgotten.

She had a better plan. She was going to get good and drunk.

Gavin and Aidan nearly stumbled into the front hall when Tibbs opened the door for them. Aidan shot him a lopsided smile as he regained his balance and handed over his hat.

“Well, that was a bloody fun evening,” Aidan said, his speech slightly slurred from just one drink too many.

“It was. Talbot is a good chap. Excellent brandy.” Gavin grinned.

“I’ll second that.” Aidan slapped his friend on the back. “You going up?”

“No, I think I need to see what I can filch from the kitchen. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Goodnight, then.” Aidan trudged up the stairs, whistling a little ditty as he went. Gavin shook his head, smiling. It wasn’t often his friend imbibed too much, but it always amused Gavin when he did. Gavin had had his share as well this evening, but he felt oddly restless. A stolen treat was just what he needed.

On his way to the kitchen, he noticed a flicker of light under the door to Aidan’s study. Curious, he peeked in and found Lainey sprawled in one of the chairs, an empty snifter dangling from her hand.

“Lainey! What are you still doing up?” And wearing only a nightgown and wrapper?

She turned surprised eyes to him. “Oh! Gavin. You st…startled me.”

“Is everything all right?” She sounded…off.

“I s’pose so.” Lainey tipped her head back against the chair. “Would you refill this for me, please? I don’t think I can pour without spilling anymore.”

He peered at her in the dim light. “Have you been drinking?” he asked, eyebrows raised in question. While Lainey enjoyed spirits, she was not one to overindulge. “Lainey, what’s wrong?” He nudged the door to behind him and poured them both a small brandy. He certainly didn’t need to drink any more tonight, but it seemed impolite to let her drink alone.

“Nothing, really. I’m just…I think I’m lost.”

“Tell me.” He sat in the chair across from her, placing an ankle on his knee and loosening his tie. He really shouldn’t be in here alone with her, but she was clearly in distress. And really, no one was around to discover them together. He wasn’t about to leave without finding out if he could help.

She sighed. “Gavin, am I…boring?”

His eyebrows shot up. “Boring? Certainly not! Why would you think that?”

She grimaced. “I overheard Devereaux make a comment about how proper I am and that he thought maybe I wouldn’t be able to keep a marriage bed…exciting,” she said bitterly.

“Devereaux is an ass.” Gavin made a mental note to seek him out tomorrow and kick him in it.

“I don’t know that he’s wrong, Gavin. I mean, I have heard some rather eye-opening things from the women I help, so I’m not completely without knowledge about what to do, but I have no actual experience with anything. What if…what if I am a disappointment?” She stared down at her brandy then took a large swallow.

Gavin set his own glass on the table and moved to squat down before her. “Lainey,” he said, taking her hands. “You could never be a disappointment to anyone.”

“I was to you.”

That brought Gavin up short. “Why on earth would you say that?”

“Why else would you reject me? I must have been lacking somehow.”

She may as well have put an ice pick through his heart at that moment. “You…you think I won’t marry you because there is something wrong with you?”

“Well, what else am I supposed to think? We know we’ll get on well together, so that’s not it. And no man would come near me after my broken engagement that year, but I’ve not had any decent offers since then, either, so it must be me, so what am I—”

“Lainey, stop.” He squeezed her hand. “You’ve had too much to drink and are spewing utter nonsense. I think it’s time to—”

The unexpected brush of her lips against his sent the words in his throat to a quick death. Surprise bolted through him and he rocked back on his heels, his lips tingling from the brief contact.

“What…why did you do that?”

“Do you know that I have never, not once, been kissed? No one has ever even so much as tried.” Lainey plunked her snifter on the table. “I would like to be kissed, Gavin, and I would like you to do it.”

That sobered him instantly and he shot to his feet. “No.”

Lainey followed him. “But I think you are the perfect person to give me my first kiss! We have no expectations of each other, and I hear you are legendary in the seduction department, so that makes you a good choice.” She giggled.

“Legendary?” This was news to Gavin. “How many women do you think I—no,” he said, holding up a hand. “Don’t answer that. This discussion is entirely inappropriate.”

“But interesting.” Lainey hiccupped, swaying a tiny bit on her feet.

“Exactly how much have you had to drink?”

“Enough to ask you to kiss me.” Lainey grinned, and his stomach tightened in response.

“You’re serious, aren’t you?” Gavin shoved a hand through his hair, not quite believing what he was hearing. Perhaps he was a little more in his cups than he thought.

“It’s perfect, you see. You are not attracted to me, therefore a simple kiss should be something I daresay you’ll forget about as soon as you walk out the door, and I will have at least some knowledge of what to do should the occasion arise.”

Gavin stared at Lainey for a long moment, noting the slight flush in her cheeks and the glimmer of mischief in her eyes. She was utterly bewitching. He ached to touch her, if only for a moment.

“What…makes you think I’m not attracted to you?” Walk away now, his mind screamed through the brandy haze. Better yet, run. His tie was choking him, and he was surprised when he reached up to find that he’d already loosened it. He clawed frantically at the top button on his shirt when Lainey turned away and sauntered toward the fire. Air. He needed air.

“Oh, Gavin, let’s be honest. I practically threw myself at you two years ago and you rejected me with some ridiculous excuse. Why else would you turn me down? You were just trying to spare an awkward girl her feelings. I understand now, but at the time I still thought I was desirable.”

Gavin was rooted to the floor. The gut-twisting guilt that descended upon him took his breath away. “My God.” The fire in the grate crackled in his stunned silence. His cowardice had hurt her far more deeply than he had ever realized. “Is that really what you think? That you are undesirable?” He could barely even repeat the words that cut him to the quick. He crept toward her, almost as if he were afraid of frightening her away. “Lainey,” he said softly, turning her to face him, the nerve endings in his palms crying out in relief at the contact. “You…are a treasure, in so many ways. I am sorry that I hurt you badly enough to make you think—” He couldn’t say it again. He squeezed her shoulders. “You must know that the problem lies with me, not you. I do not wish to marry.”

“You don’t wish to marry, or you don’t wish to marry me?”

Gavin sighed, cupping her face. “Lainey…”

If you only knew.

“You are a beautiful, loving, brilliant woman, and you are worthy of so much more than I could ever give you. But do not think for one moment that I am not attracted to you.”

Her eyes widened, her mouth parting slightly in surprise. Her chest rose and fell in short, quick breaths, and Gavin knew if he laid his hand over her heart, it would be thundering just as his was. Her eyes searched his in wonder.

“Gavin…” she whispered.

“We can’t.” But he swiped his thumb over her bottom lip, noting her sharp intake of breath. “You are my best friend’s baby sister,” he pointed out, more for his own benefit than hers. “You, my intoxicated little minx, are off limits to me.”

“Then why are you still holding me?”

Gavin went still, suddenly aware of her soft skin under his hands. “Why, indeed?” he murmured. He gazed down at her, the firelight flickering over her heated face, beckoning him with its seductive dance.

No one will know, the devil in him said. This may be the only chance he would ever have to taste her, to hold her in his arms. This would lead to disaster, but damn if he cared right now. Before he could change his mind, he leaned down and pressed his lips gently to hers in the most chaste kiss he could muster. But even that sent blood roaring through his ears, and his body responded to her in a way that shot panic screaming through his veins. He pulled away abruptly. Kissing her even for a moment had been a mistake. He cleared his throat. “There. You’ve had your first kiss. Goodnight, Lainey.”

He turned for the door, trying not to bolt like a frightened pony, but her quiet words stopped him short.

“That was hardly legendary,” she muttered behind him.

“Pardon?” he asked over his shoulder.

Lainey chuffed a sigh. “That wasn’t the toe-curling kiss I was expecting,” she admitted.

He turned back to her. “Toe-curling? Lainey, who have you been talking to?” Gavin couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “I’m quite sure I’ve never kissed any of your friends.”

“Do you honestly think women only discuss fashion and society? We gossip about men too, you know. There are rumors, and we explore them. And I may have read that particular phrase in a novel,” she added in a low voice, staring at the floor.

Gavin couldn’t hold back a snort. “Lainey, if you are basing your expectations on gothic novels, we men are in serious trouble. I don’t believe I’ve ever had such a kiss.”

“Then what is the problem?” She tossed her hands in the air in exasperation. “It’s just a simple kiss.”

He closed the distance between them. “The problem is,” he warned, “With you, it won’t be a simple kiss.” He searched her eyes, giving her ample time to change her mind, but all he could see was need. Words failed him. Logic failed him. Worst of all, his conscience failed him. “Ah, Christ, Lainey.”

He yanked her against him, sealing his mouth over hers. She squeaked in surprise, but in the space of a heartbeat, she relaxed into his arms, and Gavin’s world fell into place.

Lainey slid her hand up his chest and around his neck to tangle her fingers in the hair at his nape, and Gavin came unglued. A tidal wave of passion swamped him and he tightened his hold. She moaned against his mouth, the noise shooting straight to his groin, and all of a sudden, merely pressing his lips to hers was no longer enough. He teased her mouth open, slipping his tongue inside when she acquiesced. She stiffened at this new sensation, but boldly matched him once she realized what he wanted her to do. She tasted like the rich brandy she’d been drinking, and Gavin couldn’t get enough. Sense completely deserted him as he backed her to the wall, pressing his body against hers, reveling in her softness and heat. He rocked his hips into hers, her sounds of pleasure suffusing every fiber of his being. He dragged his palm over her hip, sliding higher, grazing the side of her breast on his way to caressing her neck. She groaned deep in her throat, and for one wild moment, Gavin thought about lifting her skirts and taking her right there in Aidan’s study.

What in blazes was he doing? He was practically mauling Lainey. Lainey! Aidan’s sister. He broke the kiss with a gasp, leaning his forehead against hers, his breath, like hers, coming in hard gulps. He slowly pulled himself away from her body, hoping she’d been distracted enough not to notice that he was hard as stone. His chest was heaving, his pulse galloping off into the sunset. He hadn’t meant to kiss her quite so thoroughly—really, he hadn’t meant to kiss her at all—but the moment their lips had met, all logical thought had deserted him.

The realization that he had wanted to kiss Lainey for years shook him…all the way down to his curled toes.

He slipped his hand from her neck and stepped back, needing to break this spell between them. A candlestick lay on the floor, knocked from the nearby table during his groping session. What the hell was wrong with him? “For…” He cleared the huskiness out of his throat. “Forgive me, that was…” Divine? Earth-shattering? The most powerful moment of my life? “Utterly inappropriate,” he finished. Brilliant, Gav. “I’m sorry, I should not have lost control like that.”

Lainey just stared up at him with a dazed expression on her face, her swollen lips slightly parted. Yes, he thought. Me, too.

“I hope that was…er…more…er, to your liking. Goodnight, Lainey.” He turned to go, but then thought better of it. Instead, he moved toward her, leaning forward to murmur into her ear. “Don’t ever let me hear you call yourself undesirable again, Elaine Lockwood. I pity those men and their missed opportunities.”

With that, he spun on his heel, trying desperately to not trip over his own feet as he practically fled the study. He made it as far as the stairs before his legs gave out beneath him, and he collapsed on the steps, heart still pounding. He slumped against the banister, trying to make sense of what just happened.

Holy hell.

What a bloody hash of things he’d made. Aidan was going to kill him.

If spending the remainder of the week under the same roof as Lainey without touching her again didn’t kill him first.