All That I Want (The Hesitant Husbands #2)

Chapter 15

Gavin hadn’t slept well. The week was fast drawing to a close and Lainey would be choosing a husband soon. Her decision weighed heavily on his mind. True to her word, she’d gone out riding with Devereaux this morning, and returned looking flushed and happy. It was time to see where Devereaux stood.

It was a fine day for shooting, though Gavin didn’t really have any stomach for it.

The September air filled his lungs with the promise of autumn as the horses trod along. The grasses were beginning to brown, waving in the breeze in an elegant dance, first left, then right, then back again. The leaves on the trees had their first touches of color, as though a painter had dropped his palette on the ground and splashed them. By next month, they would be awash with buttery yellow, fiery orange, and rich reds. It was Gavin’s favorite time of year. The heat of summer left, replaced by crisp evenings and the pungent smell of earth preparing for winter. Sitting by the fire with a brandy and a book was one of his favorite pastimes.

Thoughts of sitting by that fire with Lainey curled next to him drifted across his mind. He smiled to himself as he pictured her barefoot, with her hair loose and spilling over his hands as he held her. He could almost feel the sense of completeness fill his soul as he bent to kiss her temple—

“Eh, Mayfield?”

Gavin snapped to attention. “Er—sorry, what was that?”

“I was saying what a fine woman Lady Elaine is turning out to be. She surprised me yesterday. I’d thought she was rather tightly wound, but yesterday was a delight!” Devereaux grinned.

“So I’d heard,” Gavin muttered.

“What now?”

“Tell me about yourself, Devereaux,” Gavin replied, steering the conversation away from Lainey. “What sort of things occupy your time?”

“Well, my new estate, for one. Don’t know a thing about how to run it, but I’m going to learn. I expect that will take up most of my time for the immediate future.”

“You do know Lainey wants to stay in London to open her help center?”

“Yes, yes. May have to make a concession there, but I think she’d be willing.”

Not bloody likely, Gavin thought.

“I’ll just have to keep her so satisfied she’ll never want to leave my bed, ho!” Devereaux chuckled while a sliver of distaste slid down Gavin’s spine. Perhaps it was just Devereaux’s youth, but Gavin couldn’t remember ever being so crude when talking about a woman. And Devereaux hadn’t been paying attention at all if he thought Lainey would spend the foreseeable future in northern England while he figured out how to run an estate.

Gavin’s horse let him know he’d unconsciously tightened the reins. He loosened his grip and slid his gaze to Devereaux. “You are going to have to learn to like cats, too.”

“How do you know I don’t like cats?”

“I saw the way you reacted to them the other day. And you were the only one who didn’t ooh and ahh over him when he arrived.”

They reached the clearing where the shoot was taking place. Devereaux’s eyes narrowed as they stopped. “How do you know I’m not pretending just to throw Lady Elaine off track as to who bought her the kitten?”

Gavin leveled a stare at him. “Just a feeling.”

Devereaux paused, then shrugged. “Eh. The cat will be happy in the barn catching mice. How much bother could he be?”

“Highly unlikely he’s going to be living in the barn,” Kingston offered, reining his horse in next to them. “In case you haven’t noticed, Lainey has hardly put the thing down since it arrived. If you marry Lady Elaine, that cat is going to rule your household.”

Devereaux dismounted and tipped his hat jauntily. “We shall see. Happy shooting, gentlemen.” He strode off to join the others.

“Young pup,” Kingston scoffed, dismounting.

“Couldn’t agree more. How old is he, anyway?” Gavin tied his horse’s reins to a branch.

“Just turned twenty-three. I hope for my sake Lady Elaine prefers older men.”

Gavin chuckled, pausing to watch the men gather in the field. Kingston eyed him askance.

“You’re not anxious to shoot?”

Gavin shook his head. “I’m only along for the ride out, I leave the shooting to those who enjoy it. Never found it sporting to shoot a defenseless animal for fun.”

In truth, Gavin had never fired a gun because he was terrified he was going to like it. The one time it had mattered, he couldn’t bring himself to do it. His fugitive brother had been on the other end of the barrel, and had dared Gavin to take his life.

“Go on, Gavin. Do it.”

The gun wavered in Gavin’s hand, his sweaty palm nearly causing him to lose his grip, his chest heaving as his heart threatened to burst through it. Garrett sneered at him.

“You won’t do it. You won’t do it because you’re afraid. You are terrified that firing that gun and taking my life is going to make you just like me.” Garrett scoffed and turned away. “We share the same blood, brother,” he taunted as he walked away. “No matter how hard you try to control it, the evil is in you. The difference between you and me is I’m not afraid to embrace it.”

He whirled around, pulling a pistol from a hidden pocket in his coat. Gavin dove to the side, but not before the bullet tore through his arm. He hit the ground with a painful thud and watched helplessly as Garrett disappeared into the woods on a stolen horse.

He’d had the opportunity to stop Garrett, to put an end to the violence and senseless murders. But his twin’s words had struck terror in his heart. The evil is in you. If Gavin had pulled that trigger, the door would be open, so to speak. He had spent his entire life learning how to control his temper, but once that first step was made, who knew what would follow? Would it feel satisfying? Would he want to do it again? Would he follow in the footsteps of all the violent men in his family if he let go just this once? The fear had paralyzed him, and Garrett had gotten away. Gavin’s failure to pull the trigger when he’d had the chance had led to more people suffering at the hands of his brother, and ultimately, had nearly cost Aidan his life. The guilt was suffocating. What kind of man can’t protect the people he loves?

“I’m a peaceful man myself,” Kingston agreed, oblivious to Gavin’s inner turmoil. “At least we’ll be eating what they bag today. Perhaps you’ll join me for a spell in those chairs over there? I’d like to get to know the man outside the business.”

Gavin chuckled. “And perhaps fish for some information about Lady Elaine?”

Kingston responded with a grin. “Something like that.”

Gavin slapped Kingston on the back as they moved toward the chairs. “I like you, Kingston.”

“I’ll consider that a point in my favor.”

They sat in the shade of a giant oak, safely out of range of any stray bullets, and watched as the beaters went to work flushing out the birds. Ordinarily, a shoot lasted three days, but since that wasn’t the purpose of this house party, Aidan had arranged for the single day of entertainment for his male guests. A man needed to escape the torture of endless teas and marriage-minded females, after all.

Kingston settled back in his chair. “You and Ashby have been working together a long time. Seems as though you’ve found an ideal partnership.”

“We’ve been very lucky. We bonded the moment we met and that hasn’t changed in all these years. We work well together and trust each other implicitly. It’s been us against the world for as long as I can remember.”

“Well, and Lady Elaine, of course.”

Gavin chuckled. “Yes, and Lady Elaine. As I told you at the tavern, we tried to shake her loose but she just wouldn’t be left out.”

They both laughed, then jumped as a shot rang out. A bird came tumbling out of the sky and landed unceremoniously in the field. Shooting was paused while the bird was retrieved. Kingston reached over, plucked a long strand of grass, and studied it while he rolled it between his fingers. “I imagine it must be hard to have the balance upset by Ashby’s taking a wife.”

Gavin thought before answering. Kingston had somehow voiced exactly what Gavin had been feeling, but couldn’t confess out loud. “I love Lady Ashby dearly, but it has been an adjustment, if I’m being truthful.”

Kingston nodded. “Change always comes with growing pains.” He continued to twirl the strand of grass. “Do you suppose,” he began, not looking at Gavin, “that that may be the reason for Lady Elaine’s change of heart where a husband is concerned? Ashby has always talked of her settling for nothing less than true love.”

Gavin slowly turned his head toward Kingston, suddenly at a loss for words. He’d been so wrapped up in his own feelings that he hadn’t really thought how Aidan’s marriage would affect her. Hadn’t Gavin just said she’d always refused to be left out? But now she was being forced out…unintentionally, of course, but the addition of a bride in the house had to be distressing, regardless of how much she loved Elizabeth. Lainey was no longer mistress of the house, and Aidan rightly focused on his new wife, so she must be feeling left behind. And being left behind had never sat well with Lainey.

“Do you know, Kingston, you are a very astute man? I’m ashamed to admit I didn’t think about how all the upheaval must be affecting her.” Gavin huffed out a breath. “She tried to tell us, in not so many words, and I took them at face value. She said she was tired of waiting for love, she wanted a family now, and she needed to have purpose in her life.”

“Because her purpose is now married,” Kingston agreed. “Her brother has spent all these years thinking he’s been taking care of her, when I suspect it has been the other way around, he just never knew it.”

Gavin pinched the bridge of his nose. “It all makes sense now. I couldn’t understand why she was suddenly so willing to forego what she’s been waiting for all of her life, but now that Aidan is settled, she is probably feeling in the way and needs a new project, so to speak. She’s always been busy with one thing or another, it just makes sense that she would fill the void with something else.”

“And don’t we all want to feel needed, whether we can admit that to ourselves or not?”

Gavin nodded. “I suppose you are right.”

Kingston was silent for a moment, watching the shooters prepare for another startled bird. “I have not spoken to Ashby yet, but I know you and Lady Elaine are quite close, so I am going to be blunt.” Kingston turned, leveling an intent gaze at Gavin. Gavin suddenly felt as though Kingston had just seen right through him. “I wanted to talk to you first, to get your honest opinion. Sometimes our friends know us better than our family,” he said ruefully. “I want a mother for my daughter, and would like more children. Being without a mother has been hard on Rose, and I think she is desperately lonely and would appreciate a sibling or two. I’ve always thought Lady Elaine a remarkable woman, even though we’ve only known each other in passing. I see how she treats others, and I think she will be an excellent mother. I know she has big aspirations with her help center, which I admire, and I will support that so long as it doesn’t interfere with raising our children. I know I am a good deal older than Lady Elaine, but I do think we would get on well together.”

Kingston paused, a faraway look coming into his eyes. He averted his gaze, looking out over the field. “But I loved my wife deeply. Even now, I am not quite ready to let her go. I believe Lady Elaine understands that, and there will be room for the both of them in my heart, but I may never love her as I loved my wife. I want to know if you think Lady Elaine is being honest when she claims she no longer wants a love match, because I do not want to be the one who takes that chance away from her if she is not sincere in her choice.”

Gavin’s gut tightened while yet another shot rang out. For a brief moment, he wished the shot had missed the bird and hit him instead. Kingston was going to offer for Lainey, she would accept, and then she would be lost to Gavin forever.

This was, after all, the entire point of this house party. So why did it feel like he’d been run through with a broadsword? But God help him, he wasn’t about to sabotage her chances by lying, no matter how he felt about it. He nodded slowly.

“I do believe she is sincere, yes. Her decision does feel rushed, I will admit, and I wish she would reconsider, but she will not. Once she gets an idea in her head, she follows through with it. This help center means everything to her, and she will do what it takes to bring it to fruition.”

Kingston tied his piece of grass in a knot. “Do you think she and I would be a good match, despite my advanced age?” He grinned.

“You are not quite a doddering old man, Kingston. I think you’ve a few good years in you yet.” He sobered, the weight in his chest trying to suffocate him. He forced the words out anyway. “Yes, I think you and Lady Elaine would do well together. You have a good heart, will treat her well, and most importantly, I think you understand her in a way the others don’t. Ashby should have no qualms about giving you his blessing.”

“And what about you?” Kingston asked casually, casting the knotted grass aside. “Do you also give your blessing?”

Gavin wanted to say no. “I have no say in the matter.”

“Ah, but I think you do.” His shrewd gaze landed on Gavin once again.

“What are you getting at, Kingston?”

He shrugged in answer. Gavin wanted to tell Kingston to bugger off, that Lainey was his and no one else’s, but he couldn’t. He had to get this desire for her under control before things got out of hand. And from the sound of this conversation, she’d be affianced soon. For her own happiness and safety, he had to let her go.

“For whatever it’s worth, Kingston, you have my blessing.”

BOOM! Another crack rent the air. Gavin needed to get out of here before he yanked a rifle out of someone’s hand and laid waste to all of Lainey’s suitors.

“I do believe I am going to go for a ride,” Gavin announced. “I enjoyed our talk. I’ll see you back at the house.” He practically ran to his horse, suddenly angry. Jealousy did not look well on him.

BOOM!

He took off at a gallop.