Chapter 16
Gavin tossed the covers off with a groan. The full moon lit his bedchamber up enough for him to see his pocket watch. Half past one. He heaved a sigh and went to the open window. It was an unusually warm night, and the faint breeze that stirred the curtains did little to cool him.
Gavin felt his time with Lainey slipping through his grasp like so many grains of sand. The ball was in three days, and he expected she’d announce an engagement…and that would be it. He’d be left alone with the choices he’d made.
It was for the best, really. Every time he allowed himself to dream of a life with Lainey, Garrett’s sniggering voice echoed in his head, dredging up horrifying memories of his childhood, things he’d never told anyone. He absolutely would not—could not—take the chance that he might create a son like Garrett.
And therein was the crux of the problem. Even if he could overcome his fears of what darkness lay inside him, which thus far had been impossible, he could not take away Lainey’s dream of motherhood. It was a position she was meant to have, and by God, Gavin was going to make sure she had it, even if it meant he would be miserable.
Damn it all, he shouldn’t have kissed her. He’d been doing just fine ignoring his feelings until that night. Now he was being forced to deal with them. Why couldn’t he have just gone upstairs with Aidan and called it a night? But no, he’d gone and not only kissed her, but held her soft curves pressed against him as he wrapped his arms about her. That had ignited an inferno of desire for her that he had kept so carefully banked for years, and now he could think of nothing but having her in his arms again. It was killing him to pretend he didn’t want her.
Because he’d come to the realization that he very much did want her. Terror snaked through him as both his arm and shoulder began to throb, a stark reminder of what a violent act could do to a person long after the act had been committed. He’d kept those demons at bay for so long, but here, at this blasted house party, they were coming out in droves to haunt him. A sheen of sweat pricked his skin at the thought of losing control of his temper, which he’d nearly done countless times this week. He was fit to be no one’s husband, let alone a father.
He sat a hip on the window ledge, sighing his frustration. If only he were a better man, a stronger one, he could—
He sat up straight as a ghostly figure passed below his window in the garden. He’d rarely seen her with her hair down, but he’d recognize Lainey anywhere. His body knew hers even from this distance. What was she doing walking in the garden so late? And alone? He watched her meander along, lost in thought, the white of her wrapper a beacon in the moonlight. She seemed as restless as he.
Gavin rose to pull on his trousers and shirt, stuffing his feet into leather slippers as he went, telling himself he was only going so he could protect her. A woman shouldn’t be out alone at night. One never knew what dangers awaited.
He found her in the summer house, draped across an upholstered bench and gazing up at the stars that shone through the domed glass ceiling, a beam of moonlight washing her in a soft glow. His pace slowed as he took in the scene. Lainey seemed oblivious to his presence as she tilted her face to the sky, studying the pinpoints of light overhead, her legs stretched out before her, crossed at the ankles. He hadn’t been out here in quite some time, and marveled at the proliferation of roses that now climbed the graceful columns, though they were mostly past their bloom. Welcoming cushions adorned various seats and oversized benches like the one upon which Lainey reclined. Gavin could imagine sleeping out here on a warm summer’s night, listening to the crickets play their evening songs, a soft breeze drifting through the columns. The thought of having Lainey in his arms while he did so brought him back to the present as he climbed the three stone steps.
Lainey bolted upright at the sound of her name.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to frighten you,” Gavin said, holding up a staying hand.
“Gavin! What are you doing out here?”
“Funny, I came out here to ask you that exact thing. It’s nearly two in the morning. You shouldn’t be out here alone.”
“I’m perfectly safe in my own garden, Gavin.” She leaned back on her hands and resumed her perusal of the sky. “I couldn’t sleep.”
Gavin desperately tried not to notice how her position offered her breasts up to him like a delectable feast. Images of baring them and taking one in his mouth flooded his imagination. He tore his gaze upward and fought to concentrate. “Me neither.” He indicated the bench. “May I?”
She wordlessly shifted her legs over to make room for him, and he sat so his right hip touched her left one. “What’s on your mind?” he asked, trying not to think about what happened the last time he’d encouraged her to confide in him, or how easy it would be to crawl over her, covering her body with his while he—
“What isn’t on my mind might be a better question,” she replied, blissfully unaware of that fact that Gavin was removing every stitch of her clothing in his head. “This week has not gone quite as I’d planned.”
It hadn’t gone the way Gavin had planned, either. Quite the opposite, in fact. “Are you changing your mind? You do not need to accept any offers, you know. Aidan would probably be ecstatic.”
Lainey chuffed a laugh. “Probably so. But I still intend to go through with my plan, if anyone decides they want me. I just hadn’t expected…I’m just…conflicted.”
“Lainey, why on earth do you keep claiming that no man would want you? I don’t like hearing you talk about yourself that way. You are a very desirable woman.”
“Am I?” Lainey sat up, folding her legs beneath her so that they were sitting incredibly intimately, thighs pressed against each other. Gavin made no effort to move away. “I’m so desirable that I had to beg you to kiss me?”
“You didn’t have to beg.”
“Would you have kissed me otherwise?”
“You know I would not.”
“Well then, there we are.”
“Lainey, I would not have kissed you because you are my best friend’s sister, not because you are not desirable.”
“You’re just saying that.”
Gavin stared hard at her. “Do you not feel my desire when I kiss you? Did I not voluntarily kiss you by the pond? Do you honestly have no idea how much I want you?” The moment the words were out, he wished them back. Lainey looked stricken. “I’m sorry, that was inappropriate.”
“Actually, Gavin, this is a most refreshing conversation.” She shrugged. “Two rejections and no offers later does something to a girl’s self-esteem. But this week…things have been different.”
Gavin ignored the stab of guilt in his gut. “How so?”
“I feel…” Lainey waggled her fingers around in a helpless gesture. “Everyone is focused on me. I’ve never had so much attention. It’s almost as if I’m on constant display, and I’m desperately trying to measure up.”
“Lainey, you have nothing to prove. You don’t have to be anything other than yourself.”
“I’m only starting to see who that really is.”
An odd pang rippled through his chest. This marvelous woman hid such insecurities in her heart. He leaned toward her, placing one hand on the bench beside her hip, and the other covered the hand in her lap, giving it a reassuring squeeze. “Lainey, if it took this house party for you to learn to let your true self show, then I am thrilled that you suggested it. I’ve always known what an extraordinary woman you are.”
She stared at him, but said nothing. The air seemed to grow thick between them, buzzing with a current he could feel in his fingers. His heart sped up. “You are intelligent and kind. You have drive and ambition, and you are fiercely loyal. You are elegant, gracious, and refined…and yet you harbor a passion beneath the surface that you never let anyone see. But I see it, and it’s beautiful. You are beautiful.”
Lainey’s eyes shone bright with unshed tears. “You are the only one who sees that.”
“That’s because you choose to portray a paragon of society rather than let your passionate side show. But you’ve never been able to hide from me.” He rubbed his thumb over the back of her hand. His head was screaming at him to get up and go back to the house, but an invisible force kept him glued to the bench.
“And you don’t think those things make me unattractive?”
Gavin blinked. “Unattractive? God, no! But to some men, those things may make you intimidating.”
“Intimidating? Me?” Lainey scoffed.
“I have news for you, dearest. Men don’t like rejection, either. In fact, some are true cowards. It is hard to lay your heart at a woman’s feet, and sometimes a man will offer for the woman he thinks will have the least reasons to object to his suit. You are smart, attractive, and strong. Those qualities are very intimidating to many.”
Lainey frowned as she digested this information. Her brows knit together. “Do you find me intimidating?”
Gavin paused, his pulse a deafening roar in his ears. He stared at her for a long, fraught moment before he gave up the fight. “No,” he said quietly, “No, you do not intimidate me.” He reached up to trace a finger along her jaw. “You…set me on fire.”
Lainey’s heart stopped. Gavin’s finger stroked her skin, leaving a trail of goosebumps in its wake. His heavy-lidded gaze dropped to her mouth, then back up again. He wanted to kiss her, of that she was sure. She’d never wanted anything more. Her breath stuttered in her chest as he placed his finger under her chin, drawing her imperceptibly closer. She closed her eyes.
“Lainey,” he whispered in warning.
“Shh. Just kiss me.”
He did not disappoint her. He touched his lips to hers softly, a butterfly kiss, gentle and loving, speaking words he would never say. Gavin moved to cup her jaw with his palm, and she sighed into the pleasure of it. His other hand came up from the bench to rest on her hip, the warmth of it seeping through her night clothes. It was oddly both comforting and thrilling, but Lainey wanted more. She rose up on her knees, wrapping her arms around his neck and pressing her body against his.
Gavin welcomed the shift in control. He moaned, urging her lips apart, his hands moving possessively to the small of her back, clutching her to him. The kiss rapidly went from tender to demanding as he claimed her mouth, tightening his arms about her waist. Everything around her melted away, and the only thing that existed for her was Gavin. Lust roared to life inside her, burning from the inside out, threatening to reduce her to ashes. Heaven help her, but the man could kiss!
Just as she was pondering how he would react if she crawled into his lap, Gavin pulled away from her reluctantly. “We should…” He gasped for air. “We should really—”
“Kiss some more?” Lainey said breathlessly.
Gavin chuckled. “Stop. We should stop.”
“No. No, we should definitely not stop.”
“Lainey—”
“Argh!” Lainey rolled off the bench, needing to put some distance between them. She knew she was being rash. She knew she shouldn’t ask this night of him. She knew it would be best if she just went back to her room. But God help her, as she looked at Gavin sitting on that bench, washed in moonlight, his shirt gaping open at the neck, leaving his bare chest on display like a dessert that had been partially unwrapped from its fine paper, all she could think of was how she yearned to feel his skin against hers. To know what it’s like to be worshipped and connected in the most intimate way, with someone she loved.
She gave him a hard stare, coming to a decision. She was done with being proper. She was done with doing what was expected of her. And she was absolutely done with putting aside her own wants and needs. Tonight, she would take what she wanted.
Gavin, blast him, read her mind. “Absolutely not.”
She sauntered toward him, loosening the belt on her wrapper. She nearly laughed out loud at the combination of excitement and terror on his face, as though he couldn’t decide if he should bolt or attack her.
“Lainey, this is not—”
She put her fingers on his lips to shush him. “Gavin, listen to me. I…have wanted you ever since I was old enough to understand what desire is. I did not plan to have you follow me out here, nor did I have any hope that I would ever find myself in this situation. Yet here we are, with an opportunity I don’t want to waste staring us in the face. You do not wish to marry; I will place no expectations on you in that regard, but Gavin, I am so tired of being perfect. I’m tired of what everyone thinks I should be or say or do. Tonight, I choose what I want. And you are what I want.”
“Lainey, we cannot possibly—”
“Oh, but we can. We are alone. No one knows we are here. It is just you and me and the moonlight.” She reached out and laid a hand on his cheek. He closed his eyes briefly, covering her hand with his.
“It’s not that I don’t want you. I do. I’ve been nearly out of my head with desire every moment I’ve been near you this week. But you are about to marry another man. I should think he would expect you to be a—”
“If you are referring to the archaic notion of that little piece of tissue you men value so highly being intact, then let me enlighten you. I’m an avid horsewoman, Gavin. That tore a long time ago. It happens. It doesn’t mean I’ve been with anyone. And I highly doubt that Kingston cares if I am a virginal bride or not. In fact, he might appreciate my not being completely ignorant on my wedding night.”
“So, he’s offered for you, then?” Gavin’s face tightened.
“No. But I have reason to believe he will.”
“Then it would be dishonorable to—”
“No more words, Gavin. I am done with words.” She pulled her hand from his and shrugged out of her wrapper. She was inordinately pleased when she saw the flare of desire in his eyes as he boldly perused her body. The silk and lace negligee did not hide much. “This moment will never come again. I want to continue where we left off at the pond. I want to feel your hands caressing my skin, touching me where no one else has…” She hiked up her negligee and kneeled on the bench, straddling him. Oh, she was too wicked! Gavin tensed beneath her as she leaned forward to whisper in his ear, “Most of all, I want to feel you inside me and hear you cry out your pleasure.”
“Christ, Lainey.”
She moved her hands down and slipped them beneath his shirt, trailing her palms across the planes of his lower back. He jumped at her touch, but she forged on, pressing a kiss to the hollow of his throat. His pulse pounded beneath her lips. Satisfaction threaded through her, knowing that he was as aroused as she was. His skin was so soft and warm, shockingly so. She nuzzled his neck, drugging herself on the heady scent of him…woodsy, like cedar, with a hint of cinnamon perhaps? Delicious. She glided her lips to his collarbone and gave him a little nip. He drew in a sharp breath, but she instinctively knew it was born of lust and not pain. She’d never been so bold in her entire life, and it was thrilling beyond belief.
“Lainey,” he said into her hair. “In about ten seconds, I am going to lose control and thoroughly ravish you.” His voice was thick and heavy with need. She licked his earlobe, grazing it with her teeth, and thought she heard him whimper. “You now have about three seconds left to change your mind.”
Lainey grinned, sitting back. “Time’s up.”
Gavin was on her in an instant, yanking her to him and searing her mouth with a kiss. His tongue plundered her mouth, and she responded eagerly, letting years of pent-up passion flow through her like molten glass, igniting every nerve ending in her body. Gavin’s arms tightened about her and he groaned low in his throat, a possessive, guttural noise that told her he, too, had been keeping himself in check for far too long. Lainey grabbed fistfuls of his shirt, tugging it up toward his head. He allowed it, pulling back from her…then suddenly he was bare chested before her, and Lainey’s mouth fell open. He was a wonder of sculpted muscle that she never would have suspected was hidden under his fine clothes. She skimmed her hands up his front, exploring the highs and lows, marveling at how a person could be soft and hard the same time. His chest heaved as though he’d just run up the stairs as Lainey curiously tickled her fingers over his nipple.
“Are these sensitive like mine?”
“Probably not as much, but I don’t honestly know.” He slid a finger beneath the strap of her gown. “I want to see you, Lainey. I think I may expire if I don’t.” She nodded, and he tugged the bow at the front and slipped the gown from her shoulders. The silk slipped down to pool about her hips, and Gavin’s expression changed from mere desire to raw hunger. Perhaps he didn’t want to marry her, but it was clear to Lainey that he desperately wanted her body, which pleased her immensely.
Gavin reached out to trace the edge of one breast, circling the globe and cradling it in the palm of his hand. “So beautiful,” he murmured, leaning forward to take it in his mouth. Lainey gasped at the sensation. He cupped her other breast and squeezed gently, stroking her hardening nipple with his thumb. Lainey drove her hands into his hair, finally knowing what those golden locks felt like sliding through her fingers, letting her head fall back with a sigh. She’d had no idea her breasts could be this tied into lovemaking.
His free hand skimmed along her thigh. She could feel his arousal pushing against her most private place, and she faltered for just a moment, worried about how this was all going to work, and if Gavin would enjoy it. Or if she would. She’d waited a long time for this. What if this whole making love business was a disappointment?
“Stand up, Lainey. This needs to come off,” he commanded, tugging at her negligee. “I want to see all of you.” Her heart thundered at the thought of being completely nude before him, but she hesitated only a moment before she complied. She stood, clutching the negligee against her. Taking a deep breath, she let go, and the gown whooshed to her feet with a whisper.
Gavin let out an incoherent noise and squeezed his eyes shut.
“God have mercy."