16. North
Chapter 16
North
I told Ranen it was easy taking care of him. It was easy being with him. It was one of the truest things I’d ever said, chased on the heels of a lie. I want to stay with him every second of every day, live just beneath his skin so I can make sure he’s safe… and I want to find the person who hurt him and rip their jaw off and slit their throat with the bone shards.
Being with Ranen is easy—staying by his side instead of hunting is hard.
At least it’s easy to distract myself. I’m not sure if it’s just that he’s never been taken care of before, or if Ranen can somehow sense how much I want him, but he seems eager to please, to let me spoil him, touch him… to let me make him feel good any chance I can. He lets me slip into the shower with him in the morning and jerk him until he’s a puddle of loose muscles in my arms.
When we lie in bed at night, he usually turns to me in his sleep, and his lithe little body ruts against my thigh, betraying exactly how much he wants, even when he doesn’t say anything.
The way I want him is dangerous. I want to fuck him until he can’t think of anything but exactly how I feel, exactly how his ass is made to take my cock.
I’m probably being overly cautious with how long I’m making him wait, but I want to make sure I don’t hurt him—the only problem with Ranen is that he’s too eager to please. I think if he had a chance, he’d break himself on me without a second thought, and he’d probably do it with a smile.
Which is why I’m taking him out to dinner days after his show, when I’m fairly certain I could probably have had him on his knees for me in the apartment without so much as saying a word.
“You really don’t have to do this,” he says for what has to be the tenth time. But the smile on his face tells me even though he might be protesting, he’s still enjoying exactly what’s happening. It’s not like I’m rich—not by any means. Working with Dad lets me pay for my house, my bills… and every so often allows me to splurge on things like taking someone out on a…
A date?
What are we, exactly? It’s a question I haven’t really asked, because the word boyfriend doesn’t sound like it measures up in the least to the way I feel about him. But I still haven’t figured out exactly how to tell Ranen I want to cut myself open just for him. I want him to stay sheltered between my ribs and teach my heart the rhythm of his so it can learn how to beat…
I have an odd feeling that might be a little too intense, even if he has given me every part of himself whenever I’ve asked.
And even when I haven’t.
“I don’t have to do anything.” I smile at him, and it brings a sweet little splotch of color to his cheeks. “I want to.”
And it’s as simple as that. At the end of the day, I want to spend my time with him. I want to be with him, to get to know him. It’s satisfying parts of me that have never felt full before, little places I’d filled up with killing and stalking, hurting and hunting. I still want those things, but when I’m with Ranen…
Well, when I’m with him, it seems like they can wait for a while, as long as I know he’s safe.
Dangerous. All of it’s dangerous. It might not have broken me, but I know losing my mother killed a part of Dad that never came back. The fact that he’s showing interest in someone else for the first time that I can remember is… well, it’s saying something.
But it took nearly my entire life.
Emotions are deadly.
In a way, Ranen is more dangerous to me than I could ever be to him.
And that little ball of danger slides beneath my arm when we take a booth to eat. Even though there’s a seat on the opposite side, he curls up against me, and I don’t care if anyone in the restaurant sees. I could give less than two fucks about what they all think, because having him plastered to my side is exactly what I want.
We order, and I wonder if there is ever a right time to tell someone who you really are— what you are. Maybe doing it in public would make it less frightening? It would show him I’m willing to let him shout, willing to let him run for help if he wants. If I did it while we were alone, would he think I was doing it so I could force him into silence if it scared him?
Of course, if he tried to run from me here, I’d just chase him down and take him home anyway. The whole reverse-kidnapping situation is too good for me to give up.
“Ranen…” I start carefully, and he lets out a little questioning hmm , turning his head to look at me. “I think I should—”
Before I can get the words out, the waiter shows up with our drinks, and whatever part of me was working up the courage to tell him deflates as soon as his eyes light up at the appetizers that follow.
Maybe telling your boyfriend-isn’t-the-right-word-but-obsession-sounds-too-creepy that you’re a serial killer is more a discussion for dessert.
Our conversation during dinner is tame—well, as tame as it can be when he’s innocently trying to hint that maybe we could do another show together without saying the actual words. It’s adorable, the way his cheeks flush and the red lingers on his pale skin, and it makes me think about how gorgeous he is when he’s all marked up by me.
It makes me want to leave more permanent marks on him, just so I can know they’ll always be there, even if I’m not in the same room as him.
I want…
I want too much from him.
I want everything from him.
And somehow, I manage to keep up a regular conversation, even while my body is warring between apprehension caused by the confession caught at the back of my throat and being so fucking horny from the way he fits against me, the way he smells, the way he keeps leaning into me, brushing his fingers against mine.
It really is hard, trying to discern how to feel anything other than bloodlust when it comes to someone who doesn’t know about me.
I pay for the food without bringing the topic back around to my little confession, and we’re outside, walking through the parking lot towards my car before I finally decide to try again.
“Listen, there’s something you should know.” I finally get the words out, and I’m surprised at the way my pulse kicks up, the way some part of me tenses at the fear that he’s going to reject me. I’m not sure he’ll enjoy cuddling as much if he’s doing it after I’ve thrown him over my shoulder and forced him back into his apartment.
“Is everything okay, North?” He’s walking beside me, and his face is so open and sweet… and I can see it in his eyes, how he feels about me. The way he wants this just as much as I do, even though he doesn’t know everything he’s getting involved in.
That’s why I have to tell him.
Right? Is that what a person with a conscience would do?
“I just…” I frown, my eyes turning to the stars and the moon and the perfectly picturesque sky that doesn’t give me even the slightest hint if this is a good setting for a bloody confession. We’re alone now, but he’s holding my hand. He’s comfortable with me.
He trusts me.
“What?”
“There are things about me that—” The interruption comes from my phone this time, and I recognize Wylder’s ringtone. I bite my tongue to stop my words hard enough that I taste the slightest hint of copper, and Ranen arches a brow.
“Wylder?” He reads the name upside down.
“My brother.”
“The one who moved away?”
“That’s the one.”
“You should probably take it, then.” I don’t know if he’s already forgotten I was going to tell him something, or if he can sense that the words about to come out of my mouth will change everything between us. I haven’t known him long enough to feel like it could shift my entire world—it doesn’t change the fact that it does feel that way. I understand why he’s drawn to me; trauma is a powerful thing.
I guess being a psychopath with an obsession is on the same level.
I sigh and lift my phone to my ear.
“What’s up?”
“Is that any way to talk to your big brother?” Wylder’s voice is that annoyingly low growl it turned into in his teens. It had only gotten deeper with age.
“I’m on a date .” I say the word carefully, and I don’t miss the way Ranen’s lips lift into a sweet smile. I’m getting him off on the regular and I took his virginity… but the word date makes him blush like a schoolboy.
Fuck, I can’t ruin this.
“A date.” Wylder says it carefully, and I can hear the judgment in his voice. “You know, people like us don’t really date. Normal people knowing about what we are, what we do… it’s not safe for them.” He says it with such surety in his voice that I want to hang up. Just because he decided killers were better off never forming attachments doesn’t mean I have to follow in his footsteps. He already made his stance clear on that when he moved away.
“Things are different now.” I answer as casually as I can, because the last thing I want is for Ranen to hear what Wylder is saying.
“I realized that when I went through the bills of these assholes you sent me to kill and saw they were all subscribed to the same website. It was the only thing they had in common, North.” Wylder pauses, and then chuckles. “Did you fall in love with a camboy?”
“Fuck off,” I mutter, and my phone gives a little ding.
“I took pictures for you. Encrypted message, and you know it’ll delete after you look. You said to make it painful… I thought you’d like to see the results.”
The urge to pull my phone from my face and look right now is so strong that I almost do it… but I have a feeling introducing Ranen to my lifestyle by way of Wylder’s handiwork might be a bad idea.
I’m brutal, but he has a professional precision that sometimes makes what I do look… sloppy. And quick.
There’s a reason I sent him after the assholes.
I sigh, but I can’t stop myself from speaking. “Thank you. It would have driven me nuts knowing they were out there while I couldn’t get to them.”
Wylder pauses again, and the silence reminds me he didn’t leave because he was an absolute asshole, or because he didn’t care about us. He just has his own issues, and his own goals . Those live on a far more professional side than his serial-killer brother, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care.
And it doesn’t mean that he isn’t smart enough to put two and two together.
“Are you in trouble, little brother?”
Fuck, I hate it when he calls me that. Especially since I know damn well he’s speaking in both age and size. I might be big, but Wylder is a fucking giant.
“I’m…” I pause. Yes. Kind of. I’m confused because there are emotions swirling around in my chest that I don’t even know the shape of, let alone what to do with them. I’m furious, because I can’t let myself to leave Ranen alone for more than a few hours with a friend he trusts, because that means someone could hurt him while I’m gone.
I’m lost when it comes to confessing feelings I’ve never even thought about allowing to form on my tongue, let alone take up residence in my heart.
“I’m fine. Just a little frustrated that the real asshole is still on the loose.” Ranen tenses beside me, his sweet smile shifting to the slightest frown.
This isn’t a conversation I want to have anymore. I cut Wylder off before he can speak again. “Listen, I have to go. I’ll check out the pictures and call you back later, all right?”
I’ll probably call him back.
If I’m not busy with Ranen.
I hang up before my brother can try to root around in my personal business any more and shove my phone back into my pocket.
“What was that all about?”
“Nothing.”
When Ranen fixes me with a flat look that tells me he knows I’m a damn liar, I shrug softly and take his hand in mine again, hauling his body against me until the sweet shape of him molds to my side.
“Nothing, huh?”
“Just… what I wanted to talk to you about. My family is… a bit odd.” I don’t look down at him when I say it. “I just wanted to make sure you knew what you were getting yourself into.”
That’s about as close as I can get to an actual confession right now. Whatever was driving me to tell him earlier is gone.
It’s not safe for them.
Wylder’s words echo in my head.
It’s not safe for him to know… and as Ranen curls up against my side, I know there’s more to it than that. I can’t tell him until I’m sure he won’t leave once he finds out, and I definitely can’t tell him until I’m sure he’s safe.
It’s a strange feeling, wanting to keep him close and knowing the instant I make it safe for him to wander away from me is the instant I might lose him for good.